ARTICLES

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"The World's First, Best, Most Accurate, And Only Daily Newspaper" - H is The Daily Worldwide Enquiring Times-Journal Examiner.

If the news is not good enough, we will make it better. If the news is not good at all, we will make it up.

MISSION STATEMENT

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EDITORS

Editor-in-Chief: Guy McSandersFellowsonchildbraham

Guy McSandersFellowsonchildbraham was raised on a banana plantation in Betws-y-Coed, Wales. At the age of 13 he joined the French Foreign Legion as a field correspondent for the The French Foreign Legion Weekly Shopper and wrote over 350 columns during his 5 year tour-of-duty despite not knowing a single word of French. After going AWOL in the Legion, Guy joined the staff of the Singapore Semi-Daily as a brothel columnist - a post he held until joining the staff at The Daily Worldwide Enquiring Times-Journal Examiner as editor-in-chief. Guy is fluent in Welsh, Gaelic and Flemmish.

Terrestrial Editor: Angélíná Mólíná Chíqúítá Álónzó Rúdólphó Cúérvó DósÉqúís Márqúéz

Angélíná Mólíná Chíqúítá Álónzó Rúdólphó Cúérvó DósÉqúís Márqúéz was born into the Swedish mobster family, the Svenska Sjukdom. Her mother, an Icelandic Gypsy who was catering a potluck dinner thrown by the godfather of the Svenska Sjukdom family, met her father, an Arabian-Finnish-Cherokee who was emceeing the event, in 1958. The godfather, Mattias "The Frozen One" Balthazar, noticed the attraction between the two and immediately had them beaten into the family. Angélíná Mólíná Chíqúítá Álónzó Rúdólphó Cúérvó DósÉqúís Márqúéz was born 4 months later and has been editing periodicals ever since.

Extraterrestrial Editor: Biff

Biff was first abducted by aliens when his mother, then 5 months pregnant with him, was taken aboard a Zarkadian mothership for scientific research purposes. Since then, he has been abducted 642 times but has managed to never be late for work or miss an editorial deadline.

COLUMNISTS

Dick Thourghood

After being rejected by National Geographic, Time, U.S. News and World Report, The Los Angeles Times, The New York Post, the Poughkeepsie Journal, and The National Enquirer, Dick decided to join the staff of The Daily Worldwide Enquiring Times-Journal Examiner as a beat reporter.

Sandhya Kunavarasaji

Sandya studied astrophysics at Horvard, Yele and Cumbridge before finally receiving a Ph.E. in Astrology from the Ricky Salens College of Astrocosmological Studies and Cosmetology. Sandhya does horoscopes for The Daily Worldwide Enquiring Times-Journal Examiner.

William Two Bears Haroldson

Billy lives as a hermit in central Montana. He carves his big city metro reports onto blocks of balsa wood and sends them to The Daily Worldwide Enquiring Times-Journal Examiner by courier pigeon.

Jimmy the Pirate

With three weeks of community college under his belt, Jimmy the Pirate is the most legitimately educated staffmember of The Daily Worldwide Enquiring Times-Journal Examiner, a fact of which he is very proud. Jimmy the Pirate does reporter-type things.

Billy Bob Bubba Hotep

Billy is a Mississippi Egyptian who has been married 14 times, has 27 children, drinks heavily at social occassions, drinks heavily in his pickup truck which doubles as his transportation and residence, and drinks heavily in the offices of The Daily Worldwide Enquiring Times-Journal Examiner where he does the advice column.

Monique Leveque

Monique studied fashion under Tom Ford, Donna Karan, Ralph Lauren, and Donatella Versace as a gofer. Her favorite television show is Friends and she once saw Eddie Murphy at a gas station. Monique reports on fashion and celebrity news for The Daily Worldwide Enquiring Times-Journal Examiner.

Xi Xiang

Xiang began life as a poor peasant girl from the wilds of China's Gobi Desert. She came to America as a mail-order bride and cannot read or write. Xiang does The Daily Worldwide Enquiring Times-Journal Examiner crosswords and jumbles.

Tim Smith

Tim has been fascinated by aliens ever since the social worker at his orphanage told him his mother, father, 3 brothers and 5 sisters were abducted when he was 2. The aliens did not take him and he hasn't seen his family since. Tim has never seen an alien or u.f.o. but would really really like to. He does the paranormal column for The Daily Worldwide Enquiring Times-Journal Examiner

Hans Grüber Christensen Anders

Hans Grüber Christensen Anders is not German.

FREQUENCY

The Daily Worldwide Enquiring Times-Journal Examiner is published daily once, twice, or sometimes even three times every week or so.

CIRCULATION

With a potential circulation of over 6 billion terrestrial humanoids, 1.2 billion subterranean Martians, 185 million Jovians, 455,000 intra-solar-system extraterrestrials, and 78 trillion extra-solar-system extraterrestrials in this universe alone, The Daily Worldwide Enquiring Times-Journal Examiner could, potentially, reach a lot of living creatures.

PRICE

The Daily Worldwide Enquiring Times-Journal Examiner costs $10.95USD to be paid right now, every single time you come to the site, refresh a page, think about it, tell someone else about it, or breathe. So pay us now. Now! Do it!

SUBMISSIONS

Have a great story idea? Taken an interesting photograph? Shot some amazing video? If you would like to send us your submissions and receive absolutely no monetary reward or recognition, get in touch.

CONTACT

What - you didn't see the email address above? Pay attention! We don't really like hearing from people - even if you think you know us or want to send us praise we really don't want to hear from you. Go away.

THANKS

Special thanks go to Pat for not designing the logo and bakiwop for providing the hosting at his website which he doesn't actually use or pay money for in the first place.