HU CHU PROVINCE, CHINA - An ancient scroll has been discovered in a cave in eastern Hu Chu province, China. The translated text, titled "Good Love, Good Sex, Good Job, Good God", is thought to have been written by Brother Tai Wan-on who is widely believed to be the world's first self-help guru.
Brother Tai Wan-on, leader of the "Hey! Higher Power! We're Over Here! Remember Us? Hey!" religious sect, was persecuted, and eventually killed, by the government for distributing copies of "Good Love, Good Sex, Good Job, Good God", which promoted the concept of the 18 "'Uns".
The 6 Bad 'Uns: 1. Being poor. 2. No, really. 3. It sucks. 4. You don't believe me? 5. Go ahead, try it. 6. See? I told you so.
The 6 Good 'Uns: 1. Money. 2. Power. 3. Sex. 4. Come on! 5. You only get one shot at life! 6. Live it up!
The 6 Other 'Uns: 1 Most of life just happens. 2. Whether you want it to or not. 3. So don't worry about it so much. 4. Even the parts about money, power and sex. 5. Which is, admittedly, most of it. 6. Relax!
As nobody is really interested in the rediscovered scroll, a freshman intern from UCLA working on the dig in Hu Chu province will put it up for auction on eBay.