LONDON - A new study presented to G-8 leaders shows global warming causing massive glacier and ice melt, food shortages, fresh water reserves to diminish across the globe, increase in frequency and size of storms and droughts, permafrost to disappear, and ocean levels to rise and wipe out many Asia-Pacific and Third-world nations.
In separate joint statements the G-8 leaders pledged to finally take the threat of global warming seriously.
American President George Bush stated, "We cannot afford to lose the cheap labor that the Asia-Pacific and Third-world nations provide for our jeans, tennis shoes and electronic goods. Can you imagine how much Nikes would cost if they actually had to pay for labor? The Group of Eight has committed to make a dedicated effort to eventually curtail some carbon dioxide emissions across the board within the next 20 decades or so. Possibly."
British Prime Minister Tony Blair added, "For years we have depended on people from the Third-world to illegally enter our country and wash our clothes and windows, watch over our children and grandchildren, sweep our streets, and if they were hot, bear our illegitimate bastard children. When they wanted raises and worker's rights we have kicked them out of the country and welcomed the next wave of immigrants with open arms. It is time we gave back to the people who have given us so much."
French President Jacques Chirac and Italian President Carlo Ciampi continued, "Our nations' fashion industries rely very heavily on the cheap Indian silk cultivated and spun by children and the cotton picked by destitute farmers in China which is shipped to Korea and Vietnam where Gucci and Prada t-shirts with 10,000% markups are sewn by one-handed one-legged constipated blind lepers with gout."
Russian President Vladimir Putin went on, "I have no idea why Russia is a part of the G-8. Seriously, I don't even know which former USSR states are still a part of our new Russian Federation. All I know is I will eventually get those damned Chechens to join up!"
American President George Bush wrapped things up by saying, "There is a silver-lining to the dark cloud of global warming that threatens to rain on all of us. The permafrost is melting in the arctic, and with the permafrost gone, it will be much easier and less expensive to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska. Plus we have all that free Haliburton oil in Iraq. So things are really looking up."