WASHINGTON D.C. - The U.S. Center for Disease Control released a study earlier today warning that depressed, obese, drinking gun owners who smoke and do hard drugs while exposed to the Asian Bird Flu and Mad Cow Disease after working too hard at jobs they don't like without getting enough sleep are more likely to die prematurely than people who go bowling once a week.
"We are very alarmed," said Dr. Linda Greer, lead researcher on the Completely Screwed Americans and the Efficacy of Weekly Bowling study. "Yet we are also very optimistic about the whole bowling thing."
According to the study a person could pop a Paxil and follow it up with a bourbon chaser while eating an entire bag of Doritos and chain smoking Marlboros while a heroin needle dangles from the arm that's holding the .357 Magnum they are cleaning in front of an infected cow and disease-ridden chicken after pulling a double-shift at their crappy job and sleeping only 5 of the last 72 hours without any ill effects as long as they take the time to bowl once a week.
"But if you neglect to bowl," warned Dr. Greer, "you could be in a world of hurt."
The Bush administration, reacting quickly to the CDC's report introduced a new $47 Billion initiative, named No Bowler Left Behind, that will be put to the vote in Congress later this week. The plan proposes a one-time insertion of three distinct remedies - a Two-fer Tuesday coupon, a Buy 10 Games Get 1 Free punch card, and a $.35 Off Your Next Game voucher - into every American city's Sunday newspaper advertisement section within the next five years.
In a rare public appearance, President Bush stated, "We need a stronger America, a better America, an America that holds true to its dearly held family values. All of you sad, fat, drunk, overworked, underpaid, tired gun nuts who toke and shoot up around bad beef and chicken need to give something back to this great country of ours. Y'all need to go bowling."