WASHINGTON D.C. - Comet Tempel 1, hit in early July by an 820-pound NASA probe, has hired the late Johnny Cochran to sue NASA, The United States of America, and the World.
"My client has been egregiously assaulted by the scientists of NASA working on behalf of the United States of America for the betterment for all mankind," ghost of Cochran said at a press conference earlier today on the steps of the United States Supreme Court. "We are thus seeking recompense in the form of $6 billion U.S. Dollars. That's just $1 for each human being that perpetrated this vicious attack - we believe that is more than fair."
"Tempel 1 was looked upon as a mere lump of space rock floating through outer space without any regard to its feelings or rights as a heavenly object, which is why it hired another heavenly object to defend those rights," continued Cochran. "And yes, I did go to heaven thank you very much."
Tempel 1 read a prepared statement: "I was hurtling through your solar system at around 23,000 miles per hour, just minding my own business - you know, out cruisin' for chicks - when out of nowhere this rocket slammed into me. Sure, I might have been breaking a law or two, you know, hurtling at too high a rate of speed, emitting noxious gasses, but none of that gives anyone the right to slam a probe into me! Since the attack I haven't been able to eat or sleep, I've had to quit my job, and the doctor says I have severe physical and emotional damage from the..the incident."
"That's right," Cochran's ghost stated, "my client is currently on Valium, Prozac and Percocet. The possibility of addiction to these unfortunately necessary medications is something we are taking very seriously."
Things do not look good for NASA, the U.S.A or the World. It is rumored that there are video recordings of the incident floating all over the internet, the mission was named Deep Impact - indicating a certain predilection in the minds of many about the desired outcome by NASA, and some NASA sources have apparently been quoted as saying "the impact occurred right where we wanted it to" and "we couldn't be happier with the results - we have all the data we could have asked for" which may all lead a jury to the belief that the attack was premeditated.
Wrapping up the press conference and vanishing before answering any questions from reporters, the ghost of Johnny Cochran concluded, "Since the world did shoot I must prosecute!"