ATLANTA GA - According to a study released by the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, 100% of the people who breathe the earth's air die.
"It's an amazing revelation," said lead researcher Dr. Steven Greene MD PhD. "The results completely took us by surprise - they quite simply blew us away. We ran a double-blind, placebo-controlled, randomized test and ended up with a mortality rate of 100%. In fact, we found air to be so lethal that even most of the researchers directing the study succumbed to its ravages."
The study contradicts the view that breathing air is a healthy thing for humans to do.
Dr. Greene explained, "Up until now it was widely believed that breathing supplied the body with oxygen - which powers the body, and removed carbon dioxide - which is the toxic byproduct of that energy. However, we now realize that breathing just kills us."
The study looked into many different kinds of breathing - deep, shallow, diaphragmatic, Zen and tantric - and found that all known types of breathing lead to death.
"We focused much of our time and attention on tantric breathing and its different applications," said Dr. Greene.
The study also took into account assertions of "rising from the dead" and immortality.
"We found that although Lazarus and Jesus may have risen from the dead, they did, in fact, die first. And for immortality, we were initially excited by supporting evidence from the movie Highlander until we started watching the second movie in the series and discovered that Connor and the other immortals came from a different planet. While evidence for alien life on earth is interesting, it did nothing to further the aims of our study."
Dr. Greene went on to state that if you have started breathing, it is already too late. "There is no way to not die once you have started breathing. To breathe is to die."