Washington D.C. - Nearly a year after Congress passed a law requiring the Department of Defense to reimburse soldiers up to $1,100 for equipment they purchase for themselves for the war in Iraq, Pentagon officials have yet to start distributing payments.
"I ain't got shit from the D.O.D! HOO-YA!" said Pfc. Bill Fritz. "I bought me an X-Box, a guitar, and put a down payment and a purple Hyundai Accent for my girlfriend back home, but the D.O.D. ain't cut me a check yet. That shit ain't right! HOO-YA!"
For Marine Sergeant Tim Bowerson those extra pieces of equipment - a high tech rifle scope bought by is father for $600 and a $100 pair of goggles he bought himself - turned out to be life-or-death purchases. Bowerson was shot by a sniper during his second tour in Iraq - the round lodged in his scope and the goggles protected his from the shrapnel that struck his face. The D.O.D. would not reimburse him for his purchases.
David Chu, undersecretary of defense for personnel for the D.O.D. responded, "Technically his dad bought him the scope, so that expense is not reimbursable, and since the goggles are no longer usable in the war effort, we cannot reimburse him for those either."
"Your expectation is that when you are sent to war, our government will do everything they can to protect the lives of our people, and anything less than that is not good enough," said a former Marine who spent nearly $1,000 to be lower-body armor for his son. "I wouldn't have cared if it cost me $10,000 to protect my son, I would do it. But I think the U.S. has an obligation to make sure they have this equipment and to reimburse for it. You go to war prepared, and you don't go to war until you are prepared."
Chu said, "Whoa! $10,000? Let's not get carried away here, that is way above the reimbursement limit. Instead of buying the $10,000 body armor that protects your son from 98% of the rounds shot at him, how about buying the $500 body armor that protects him from 45% of the rounds shot at him?"
One U.S. Senator said Thursday he would try to force the Pentagon to obey the reimbursement law it has opposed from the outset and failed to comply with. "I would like to do it sooner than Thursday," said the Senator, "but I will be in the Hamptons with my mistress and simply cannot get it done before then."
Donald Rumsfeld said, "The reimbursement idea sets an unmanageable precedent that will saddle the D.O.D. with an open-ended financial burden. After giving most of the money earmarked for the war in Iraq to Halliburton executives, we simply do not have the funds to give a soldier $1,100 so he can buy equipment that will save his life."
"Rumsfeld is violating the law," said Senator Dodd (D-Conn.). "The law has been sitting on the books for over a year, but how do you make the D.O.D. do something they don't want to do - they have all the guns and stuff."
Rumsfeld replied, "Ha ha! Good one, Dodd. I can assure you that, right now, the D.O.D. has plans to sponsor school bake sales and children's lemonade stands across this great nation of ours to try and get more money into the hands of the true heroes of this war - Halliburton...no wait!... I mean the troops. And don't forget, citizens are buying one, two, and sometimes three or more of those little yellow 'support our troops' automobile magnets to show their financial support for the war effort. A percentage of the money from those magnet sales goes toward equipment for our troops."
"What? It doesn't? Are you sure?"
"Well, at least the money from the magnet sales is going to help American manufacturers keep this great nation's economy going during the war."
"Huh? They're manufactured in China and Vietnam?"
"Well at least our soldiers over in Iraq will get warm feelings of support when they see all those 'support our troops' magnets on the backs of cars in the pictures their families send to them."
Senator Dodd said he wants to eliminate the deadline included in the original law, which allowed soldiers to seek reimbursement for items only if bought between September 2001 and July 2004. "I believe that the new soldiers over there - the ones sent after July of 2004 - should be given a chance to survive the war as well. In fact, maybe instead of making America's sons and daughters buy their own equipment to fight this war we should provide them with the necessary equipment before they ship to Iraq!"
Senator Dodd continued, "Maybe it shouldn't just be the soldiers from middle-class America, whose families can provide medical supplies and body armor by putting those purchases on credit cards - going deeper and deeper into debt for their childrens' lives, that get properly equipped. Maybe even soldiers from poor families, families that cannot afford to help their sons and daughters buy lifesaving gear, should be properly equipped for the war in Iraq."
"Easy there Dodd," replied Rumsfeld. "I may be able to talk Halliburton into allowing the United States to reimburse soldiers a couple of hundred bucks, but this 'giving them the necessary equipment' thing? I doubt Halliburton will go for that."