KANSAS CITY, KS - With many Christian Organizations feeling optimistic about a victory in the Intelligent Design case currently underway in Pennsylvania federal court, some groups have started introducing other faith-based reasoning into other areas of the school curriculum.
"We are proud to announce that public schools in Kansas have, for the past week, been teaching Intelligent Numbers," said Mark Rettler, spokesman for Christian Reasoning and Posits, the organization that created the concept of Intelligent Numbers.
"You see," said Mr. Rettler, "numbers are far too complex to have occurred naturally - I know I never understood what my math teachers were trying to explain to me - so there must be an Intelligent Numberer out there who created them."
"Exactly," said Ervin Young, Supreme Director of Pius Individuals for Theological Learning and Undeniable Science. "Just as nature reflects an Intelligent Designer, numbers reflect an Intelligent Numberer. Take, for instance, 1+1=2. The answer is always '2'. That's amazing! That kind of perfection could not exist without an Intelligent Numberer. The Pythagorean Theorem? Way to coincidental and perfect without the backing of an Intelligent Numberer. Pi? A reflection of the infinite intelligence of the Intelligent Numberer. Sin? Cosine? Tangent? Well, not even Intelligent Numbers can explain those mathematical concepts - we suspect that 'mathematicians' just made them up. Not to mention the way 'sin' is spelled"
Dr. Thaddeus Maxwell, Professor of Difficult Mathematics and Other Really Hard Things at M.I.T. replied, "While it's true that..."
"You see!" said Mr. Young. "M.I.T. agrees with us!"
Melissa Howard, the eighth grade math teacher at East Kansas City Middle School is happy to be teaching Intelligent Numbers to her class of 23 students.
"Oh yeah," said Ms. Howard. "Last year parents pressured the school board to have me start teaching algebra to my students. Algebra! In the eighth grade! I had to work real hard. It sucked. But now, with Intelligent Numbers, teaching math has become very easy. A pleasure, in fact."
"I just love it!" exclaimed Amanda Smith, a student in Ms. Howard's class. "Last year I started division, and it was really hard, and this year, with algebra, things were even worse, but now that I know numbers are created by the Intelligent Numberer above and I can put that little fish symbol as the answer on every math test I have - It's great!"
Mark Robins, another eighth grader at East Kansas City Middle School said, "Yeah, last year science was hard, but it got real easy after I learned about Intelligent Design. And this year, math was hard, but it got real easy after I learned about Intelligent Numbers. I'm hoping next year, before I start high school, they discover Intelligent Grammar - I can never remember the difference between adjectives and adverbs.
CRaP and PITY US are, in fact, working on a new concept - Intelligent History.
Mr. Rettler said, "We hope, that by this time next year, Kansas schools will be teaching Intelligent History to all of its students. Intelligent History will teach the history of humanity as it really happened - according to the Bible."
Mr. Young continued, "We intend to wrap Intelligent Design, Intelligent Numbers and Intelligent History into an exciting, new, complete school curriculum where it is the only thing students will have to learn. We call this new curriculum Intelligent Intelligence. When communities use the Intelligent Intelligence curriculum, they will save well over 99% - or, as we like to say, 'little fish symbol' - on their education expenses because students will only have to stay in school for one year."
"That's right," concluded Mr. Rettler. "Intelligent Intelligence is also very patriotic. With kids in school for only one year, they will be able to get into the workforce much sooner than they can now. This will be a big boost to America's economy. Just think of it - families with four, five, and even more children all earning full-time wages. Intelligent Intelligence is good for education, good for your family, and good for America. Amen."