I am strongly in support of issues.

Healthcare

I promise universal healthcare coverage for every American citizen who is willing to pay for it themselves.

Education

No Child Left Behind is not enough! I introduce All Children Pushed Forward.

Jobs

Jobs good. No jobs bad.

Gay Marriage

I am positively maybe definitely possibly for legalization of gay marriage.

The War on Drugs

I support the war on drugs, not because it is doing anything to stop drug use, but because it employs hundreds of thousands of American citizens and it would suck if they lost their jobs.

Star Wars

I fully support the Star Wars initiative, but only the original trilogy, Episodes I, II and III weren't all that great.

War in Iraq

War with Iraq is not enough. We need to ramp up our war effort with the entire world in order to save our economy. It worked in WWI and WWII so I promise, as your president, to push WWIII through congress to kick-start the economy that our Democratic and Republican presidents have ruined with devastating deficits and enormous and egregious overspending.

Job Outsourcing

The Domo Aregato Mr. Roboto plan. I promise to outsource every single American job I can. In doing this I will assign every American who cannot find a job because of outsourcing a Federal Unemployed Consumer Kickback Yielding Opportunity Undersignment number which will allow them to receive the comparable US wages from the company that outsourced their position. This means someone else does the work and you get the money. Period.

Social Security

I strongly support the privatization of Social Security. That way, when the private company screws up Enron-style, the Federal government can swoop in on them, acquire all of their assets, and actually afford Social Security again.

Global Warming

I strongly support global warming. I am from the Midwest and it gets darned cold here in Winter.

War on Crime

I am against crime, unless you aren't, in which case I am for crime.

Big Government

I am against big government. I promise to raise taxes and spend billions of additional dollars a year expanding and improving your government to ensure a small government for all Americans.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop!