Time magazine's seven steps to beating obama

Sometimes you don't need the secret memo, a Deep Throat source, or the combination to the safe to get the story. Sometimes it's lying right there in front of you, a series of fragments ready to be pieced together.

Such is the case when it comes to John McCain's general election strategy for defeating Barack Obama. For weeks now, the Arizona senator's campaign has been laying its cards on the table, spelling out a strategy for November. Here's a look at seven of their key strategies.

I hereby announce my one step plan for beating all candidates: win.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

McCain gives money back to PAC

PAC treasurer Steve Voeller said the excess in-kind contributions were an oversight and notified the McCain campaign, which said it wrote a $1,896.52 check to reimburse the committee for the excess contribution.

I promise that if you give me money I will not - no matter how immoral, illegal or unpopular - return a dime of it. To anybody. Ever. That's how dedicated I am to getting and keeping your money. That's how dedicated I am to being your President.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

Obama has his Rev. Jeremiah Wright - USA created HIV to infect minorities. McCain has his Rev. John Hagee - Catholic Church "the great whore" and Hurricane Katrina hit to punish New Orleans for a gay march. Clinton has her Rev. Dean J. Snyder - recent praise for Jeremiah Wright as “an agent of racial reconciliation”.

Let it be known that bakiwop '08 (because there's no election in '09) is currently interviewing for the position of crazy campaign minister - someone who can garner headlines and state inflammatory and insane comments with passion, dedication, righteousness and a straight face. Must claim I am their greatest friend while netting me millions of campaign dollars and who won't care how much I make fun of - and distance myself from - them.

The position will remain open until filled. bakiwop '08 is an equal opportunity employer. Please send a large campaign contribution with every application (and apply as many times as you would like).

If interested contact bakiwop campaign headquarters.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

Clinton, Obama Stress Democratic Party Unity

"Both Senator Obama and I have made it very clear that we will have a unified Democratic Party going into the fall elections," said Hillary Clinton. "I have said that I would work my heart out for him [if Obama is the nominee]. He has said he would do the same for me [if I am the nominee]."

"I want a Democrat to win in November," said Barack Obama. "So even if Senator Clinton were the nominee instead of me, I would still be campaigning for Democrats."

Senator Clinton continued, "First things first, though - Primaries to the death!"

Senator Obama, "No. To the pain."

Clinton, "I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase."

Obama, "I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon."

Clinton. "That may be the first time in my life a man besides my husband has dared insult me."

Obama, "It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose."

Clinton, "And then my tongue I suppose, I beat you too quickly in Pennsylvania. A mistake I don't mean to duplicate in Indiana."

Obama, "I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right."

Clinton, "And then my ears, I understand. Let's get on with it."

Obama, "Wrong! Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, 'Dear God! What is that thing,' will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery in the Senate forever."

Clinton, "I think your bluffing."

Obama, "It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I only lost in Pennsylvania because I lacked the votes. But, then again... perhaps I have the votes after all."

Obama, "Drop... Your... Candidacy."

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo mis amigos Mexicanos y Latinos! Yo quiero que tu sabes que yo tengo dos anos de Espanol en highschoolo y yo remebero mis estudios muy bueno y porque de ese you soy un amigo de todos. Por favor, vota para mi en la eleccion porque yo speako su langua. ¡Esto es correcto - yo soy un amigo de todos los illegos!

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

Landing the White Whale

The relationship between Barack Obama and the white working class is beginning to resemble that between Ahab and the white whale. In state after state (Ohio, Pennsylvania and now Indiana), Obama sets out to reel in his working-class quarry, and, in state after state, it eludes him. As Obama is still the likely nominee, many Democrats fear that come November, working-class whites will pull Obama and their party down to defeat.

Might I suggest, Senator Obama, that little would grab the attention of the American People like a harpoon to the leg.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

Clinton joins McCain in hitting Obama on gas tax

Hillary Clinton criticized Barack Obama yesterday for opposing the concept of suspending the gas tax during the peak summer driving months, a plan both she and Republican John McCain have endorsed.

"My opponent, Senator Obama, opposes giving consumers a break," Clinton said, campaigning in North Carolina. "I understand the American people need some relief."

Hillary went on, "Not a lot of relief, mind you, but some relief for sure. Maybe a bit more than a skosh of relief but not nearly so much as a dollop - more of a tad than a smidgen. Perhaps even an iota or a modicum or a whit but definitely not a pinch or a smattering."

Obama responded by asking both Hillary and McCain to please stop hitting him. The meanies.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

Scranton High seniors get Obama autographs, suspensions

Colin Saltry and Joey Daniel say they skipped gym Monday to chase Sen. Barack Obama's motorcade when it pulled into the Glider Diner for breakfast.

The two met Obama, and he signed excuse slips for them to show their teachers. That didn't work. Saltry and Daniel got one-day suspensions for leaving school grounds. And Saltry says Principal Bryan McGraw ordered him to resign as senior class president.

In a closely related story, Hillary wrote an excuse slip for Obama to get out of winning the Pennsylvania primary and Howard Dean has ordered him to resign as a Democratic Candidate.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

Democrats' Pennsylvania Brawl Intensifies

Barack Obama accused Hillary Clinton of "slash and burn politics." Clinton countered that he is all flash and no substance, and she claimed he is now throwing the kitchen sink at her.

Obama is a poopie-head, Hillary is a doodie-head and I throw not only the kitchen sink but the oven, the refrigerator and microwave at them as well.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

Obama Says Anyone’s Better than Bush

A clear endorsement for my Presidency from Barack Obama.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

Clinton, Obama Seek Money in California

Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the road to talk money — not to economically strapped voters in Pennsylvania. This time, they're talking to well-heeled donors in California.

Dear Voter, I promise that when I raise funds for my election I will not only seek money from the rich - no! Seeking money only from the rich is downright un-American! I will seek money from every single American citizen regardless of financial status.

Unlike these other candidates I do not have the prejudice and intolerance that they seem to embrace toward America's middle and lower socioeconomic classes. The utter disgust and dismissal perpetrated by these so-called candidates that are supposed to represent the interests of all American people – not just the rich - is, quite simply, a travesty of the American Way of Life and everything that we as true citizens of this wonderful country hold dear.

And it may be unconstitutional, not to mention fattening, too.

I want you, dear Voter, to know that I will take money from both the rich fat cats in Washington and the drunken rummies on the street - you know, the ones with the 3 layers of grimy coats, the bottle of Thunderbird in a brown bag and the cardboard sign reading, "Wil werk 4 foode."

I am not proud.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

Clinton and Obama Compare Themselves to Rocky

Barack Obama says he’s the rightful heir to any Rocky movie references, telling the audience at a state AFL-CIO convention on Wednesday that Hillary Clinton’s claim to be the scrappy underdog is inaccurate in Pennsylvania.

Being the only Italian running in this race I think we can all safely assume that I'm the Rocky of this presidential election and the definite underdog in Philadelphia (and the rest of Pennsylvania) as no one there knows I am running.

Being the unpopular underdog is just another example of the blatant lies that candidates are willing to tell you in order to get elected President of the United States of America. Whereas they have to lie to try and get your sympathy and your vote you can rest assured that I am, in this matter and always, only telling the truth.

I would never lie to you, dear Voter.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

Happy April Fools' Day! Links to everyones' favorite fools:
John McCain
Hillary Clinton
Barack Obama
George W. Bush

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

From the mailbag:

I would like to give you money in the form of a payment for a campaign t shirt/bumper sticker. Especially your "walking for president" slogan. Do you have any such thing set up?
- Jill D.

Jill,

I, unfortunately, have no such thing set up. As you may have gathered from my "walking for president because running is too much damned work" campaign slogan I am a lazy sod and creating items in exchange for campaign contributions seems far too much like work.

There is little concern over all this, however, as presidential campaign donations for items (such as t-shirts, bumper stickers, or plates at a campaign dinner) normally run in the tens of thousands of dollars. Now, if you are from another country, say England, that would amount - after the exchange rate - to about 2.50 British Pounds Sterling. However, I find most Americans unwilling to spend that much money on a bumper sticker or t-shirt.

Even if I were to offer these items for campaign contributions I fear that, after I was elected, I would have to hunt down each and every campaign contributor as they would possess nearly priceless campaign collectibles which could be used to fund terrorist activities.

Unfortunately, after hunting you down and throwing you into a federal penitentiary you would probably not be able to vote for me again as many states have laws against felons voting in elections. Throwing all my campaign contributors into jail would also have the effect of lessening my chances of raising money for my reelection campaign in 2012 and that is a risk I am simply not willing to take.

I do appreciate your interest and hope you manage, somehow, to give me gobs of money at some point in the future.

The future leader of the free world,
bakiwop

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

Candidates State Candidates Cannot Win Election

Though the campaign later argued that he hadn't said it, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's chief campaign strategist [Mark Penn] told reporters this morning that Sen. Barack Obama "can't win the general election."

Clinton believes Obama and McCain cannot win the general election. Obama believes McCain and Clinton cannot win the general election. McCain believes Obama and Clinton cannot win the general election. And no one believes Ron Paul or Ralph Nader can win the general election.

They are all, of course, correct; ergo I am the only candidate who can win the election. Ipso facto, you must vote for me.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

Mucho Dinero Raised By Candidates In February

Democratic Sen. Barack Obama raised a record $55 million in February for his presidential campaign.

Clinton raised an impressive $35 million in February, a significant recovery from January when Obama raised more than twice her total. But Obama has outpaced her both in fundraising and spending during the nominating contests.

In the month of February I spent a mere $12.38 on my campaign - mostly for Mountain Dew and Pixie Sticks. If you want someone in Washington who knows the value of a dollar, who won't spend beyond our nation's needs, who epitomizes fiscal responsibility, vote for bakiwop.

And if you want me to spend more money on my campaign, give me money today!

- Vote often, vote bakiwop

Clinton suggests she'll stay in race after Tuesday

Democratic Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton suggested Monday she'll press on with the campaign after Tuesday's crucial primaries, arguing that momentum is on her side despite 11 straight losses to rival Sen. Barack Obama.

I solemnly promise that, as your future president, if I ever meet Hillary Clinton I will explain the actual meaning of the phrase "momentum on my side".

- Vote often, vote bakiwop.

Hillary - Obama Race Heats Up — Guy Stabs his Brother-in-law

The race between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama for the Democratic nomination continues to heat up -- but in one Montgomery County, Pa. household, the debate turned violent.

Prosecutors say that two brothers-in-law tried to settle the presidential race on the kitchen floor of a Collegeville, Pa. home.

Jose Ortiz, 28 (right), is now behind bars on felony assault charges after prosecutors say he stabbed Sean Shurelds inside a home in the 100 block of Honeylocust Court.

I promise that if you vote for me you will never have to stab a family member. Ever.

Unless, of course, you really want to.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop.

Can McCain - Constitutionally Speaking - Be President

Mr. McCain’s likely nomination as the Republican candidate for president and the happenstance of his birth in the Panama Canal Zone in 1936 are reviving a musty debate that has surfaced periodically since the founders first set quill to parchment and declared that only a “natural-born citizen” can hold the nation’s highest office.

To date, no American to take the presidential oath has had an official birthplace outside the 50 states.

Mr. McCain was born on a military installation in the Canal Zone, where his mother and father, a Navy officer, were stationed.

Do you really want a foreigner running our great country? Nothing against foreigners - some foreigners are great people - but allowing one to run our country? No way.

John McCain - you are no natural-born citizen! America - You deserve better! You deserve a U.S. born-and-bred citizen running this country and I am that man.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop.

Ralph Nader to Run for President

Ralph Nader is launching a third-party campaign for president.

The consumer advocate made the announcement Sunday on NBC's "Meet the Press." He says most Americans are disenchanted with the Democratic and Republican parties, and that none of the presidential contenders are addressing ways to stem corporate crime and Pentagon waste and promote labor rights.

Thank goodness! Someone officially in the race that will get fewer votes than me.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop.

Welcome to the new, official headquarters of bakiwop's 2008 presidential campaign. There is now a weblog and much more to coerce you into voting for me come November.

If you all work very hard and give me lots of money, together we can make me the President of the United States while you have to keep your lousy, non-president job.

- Vote often, vote bakiwop.