The Lord God Almighty. Creator of the Heavens and Earth - of all that is seen and unseen. Omniscient. Omnipotent. But for some reason can't seem to arrange for me to get the proper six numbers in the lottery.

❄

I've heard that Congress might begin looking into whether or not Bill Clinton received money that may have influenced one or more of his pardons.

So Congress is going to set up a committee to look into whether or not a politician was influenced by money.

A congressional committee checking to see if a *politician* was *influenced* by *money*.

A politician influenced by money.

I think after looking into this, Congress might want to start a committee to look into the "grass being green" and "sky being blue" issues.

❄

"So what color do you want to paint the room?" I asked my girlfriend.

"Burnt coral," she replied.

"What color does coral resemble?"

"It's kind of an opal-like color."

"What color does opal resemble?"

"You know what opal looks like."

"No, I don't"

"Yes, you do."

"No, really, I don..."

"Yes you do."

"Oh, okay. So what does *burnt* coral look like?" I said, ducking quickly as one of her cardboard color samples flew at me.

❄

My girlfriend has a very big presentation today, so I gave her some words of encouragement.

"You are an intelligent, capable, wonderful, beautiful woman who has great taste in boyfriends."

It's all true.

❄

I was watching a sports show last night and the commentator asked one of the players how he did it - how he dealt with the pain, the frustration, the stress, and the constant need to practice to make himself better.

The player responded, "I make my opponent my bitch."

This should be every web worker's credo.

Don't beat yourself up over cross-browser and cross-platform issues, stop worrying about deadlines and stupid management and/or client suggestions, and don't stress about employing the latest technologies when something simpler would be better.

Don't sweat the pain, frustration, and stress that working with the internet can cause - there's no need to get worried. There is always a solution.

Web workers of the world unite - make the internet your bitch!

❄

I used to see how many Mountain Dews I could drink in one hour.

Last night I actually found myself wondering if I had drunk enough water during the day to stay well hydrated.

Damn.

❄

My girlfriend's response to yesterday's post was, "Well dear, you *are* getting older - you have to take better care to watch your health."

To which my response was, "You're still older than I am, honey."

I am very glad I still have some decent reflexes.

❄

I was sitting on the couch last night, reading a book, with my feet propped up on a footstool. I shifted my right leg slightly.

"Ow!" I shouted.

I had twisted my knee.

I twisted my knee. Sitting on the couch. Reading a book.

❄

"You're so quiet. You're sure everything is all right?" She asked.

"I'm not quiet - you just stopped talking, dear."

❄

"Arby's has a new commercial out stating that they now have "restaurant-style appetizers".

A restaurant is advertising that after having been in business for years, they now have restaurant-style food.

❄

Does anyone actually buy from telemarketers when they call? What is the marketing concept behind all this?

A stranger calling you at all hours of the night and day - disturbing personal time with friends and loved ones - to try and sell you double glazing for your windows or another credit card.

Then, if you are interested, you are supposed to give all this personal financial information to this stranger who may or may not be who they say they are.

And if you are not interested and try to politely tell them so, they just keep talking like you haven't said anything. It seems as though "ignore the customer" is their motto.

Can anyone help me with this? I really would like to know how these companies think being annoying and stupid will make me want to buy their product.

❄

I went to pick up my girlfriend from work yesterday - and on the way there, I drove through puddles.

Yup, I am one of those puddle-driver-throughers. I am powerless to not drive through a puddle when I see one.

And since Minneapolis is experiencing forty and fifty degree temperatures, there are lots of puddles to drive through - especially around some of the lakes in the area.

Big, road-spanning puddles. Yeah.

So like I said, I was on my way to pick up my girlfriend from work and driving through puddles.

I was driving around one of the lakes and there were a lot of people using the path to jog, walk the dog, walk the baby, etc. - taking advantage of the warm weather.

The walking path is often very near the driving path.

See where I am going with this?

So I am driving, looking for puddles to drive through, and I see this great, big, road-spanning, super-puddle.

I accelerate a bit and enjoy the *huge* spray of water coming from both sides of my car.

When I am through the puddle, I look in my rear-view mirror and see a guy soaking wet and gesturing with one of his fingers.

Guess which finger he was using.

In my defense, I swear I didn't see him before I drove through the puddle.

I was too busy looking for puddles to drive through.

❄

My girlfriend and I watched Devil's Advocate with Al Pacino and Keanu Reeves over the weekend.

In the movie, there is a part where Keanu and his wife and his mother (who has just recently come to visit) are going into Keanu's apartment building where they run into Al Pacino (who, by the way, is playing the part of the devil) with two models that he is taking into his loft for a good time.

Keanu introduces his mother to Al and then Al asks Keanu about "doing some work" with him in his apartment (read: going upstairs with him and his supermodel friends for some comparative anatomy).

At this point during the movie, I ask my girlfriend whether or not she would be upset if I left her with my mother for a few hours while I handled some work with my boss.

To which she responded, "Yes, I would mind, because the devil would be tempting you with the pleasures of the flesh."

"All right, honey," I said, "Assuming my boss isn't the antichrist..."

❄

I was watching Dante's Peak last night.

About half way through the movie, the volcanologists finally figure out that the volcano is going to blow.

The next morning, the mayor of the town calls a town meeting for 6:00pm that night to discuss evacuation procedures.

At the town meeting, while the townspeople are discussing evacuation procedures, the volcano blows - an hour of action-packed Hollywood adventure begins.

So, the volcanologists wait to tell the mayor and the townspeople about a volcano that will explode until the next morning. When the next morning arrives, the mayor doesn't call for an immediate evacuation, but rather for a town meeting to discuss how best to leave town. Then during the town meeting, the volcano erupts.

Everyone in town seems surprised by this.

I've got to tell ya folks, if the mayor of my city calls a town meeting to discuss evacuation procedures because a volcano is going to erupt - I am not going to sit around and wait eight hours for the town meeting. I am going to be eight hours away from the erupting volcano.

Which, I suppose, goes a long way in explaining why I rarely ever have any action-packed Hollywood adventure in my life.

❄

"I love you, honey!"

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Sucker!"

❄

The search for goodness of life , baby.

Yeah.

❄

Sunday, March 25th, 8:18am:

*phone rings*

Telemarketer: "May I please speak with Matthew Buh...Buy...Bah...Bin...Buhcachi?"

Me: "Matthew who?"

Telemarketer: "Matthew Bitchoki?"

Me: "Who?"

Telemarketer: "Mr. Matthew Buckahki."

Me: "Who?"

Telemarketer: "Mr. Bintaki."

Me: "Come on, you can get it right."

Telemarketer: "Mr. Bakaki?"

Me: "Nope."

Telemarketer: "Mr. Bayoucachi?"

Me: "One more try."

Telemarketer: "Mr. Bakaki?"

Me: "That's not it either. He's not here right now, can I take a message?"

Telemarketer: "No message, but when would be a good time to reach him?"

Me: "Reach who?"

Telemarketer: "Mr. Backatchi?"

Me: "Never."

Me: *click*

❄

Me: "I once took a babysitting course."

Girlfriend: "What? Really? Why? When?"

Me: "I think I was in seventh or eigth grade. I took the class so I could get my babysitting credentials."

Girlfriend: "Credentials? For babysitting? Through who?"

Me: "The American Red Cross. If I got my babysitting credentials through the American Red Cross, then I could make the big babysitting bucks."

To my girlfriend's credit, she did a remarkable job of controlling her laughter.

❄

People that *I* hate, a rebuttal.

Morons who are under the impression that the safety cushion that I've left between myself and the car ahead of me is actually there for them so they try to squeeze their way in without signaling first. Morons who are under the impression that they don't have to check to make sure they can enter traffic safely from a parking slot before leaving the parking slot and cutting me off. Morons who know that their exit is coming up, but think that the lane furthest from that exit is faster so they wait until the last possible second before cutting through three lanes of traffic in a manic effort to make their exit - while cutting me off. Morons who think that I don't own the road. Morons who are under the impression that just because they have flashing lights and sirens they should be able to make me move out of the fast lane so they can get to their "emergency". Morons who are under the impression that just because I have a little red sign that reads "STOP", I should. Morons who are under the impression that just because the sign shows a little guy walking means that they have the right of way. Oh yeah, and morons who are under the impression that the speed limit is anything more than a suggestion.

Remember, I am Driver God!

I smite all those who cut me off. No signal? Poof! You are gone in a puff of smoke! Run through a red light? Pow! I turn you into an insignificant flea! Try and force your way in front of me? Zap! I hit you with a lightning bolt!

I am defender of the weak, propagator of justice, bringer of doom!

❄

Go here and wish him good luck.

Go here and wish him good luck, too.

- - - - - - - - - -

Me: "I had this dream. You and I had moved and we were so poor that we had to live in a mall department store. We would sleep on the shoe-trying-on chairs and customers would walk over all of our stuff."

Girlfriend: "We would have been much happier living in a book store together."

Isn't she wonderful! Not, "Why were we so poor?" or "Those damn people were walking all over our stuff!", but rather happy that we were together and wishing we could live in a bookstore instead because of our love of books (and her love of double mocha cappuccinos).

❄

There is a new skin - it's that new crazy-cool xhtml/css/deprecated thing.

Feeling a bit non-compliant? Then skin the bakiwop for a veritable cornucopia (dig that phrase, baby!) of other skins.

Thanks to Rob at bluerobot.com for all the css-goodness he shares and the folks at istockphoto.com for providing *wonderful* royalty free images.

Find a problem with the new skin - or any of the old skins? Speak up! Ciao!

caveat lector