My umbrella is awesome. I was walking home from work yesterday when it started to deluge. I opened my umbrella and got behind the wall of a building to wait it out ("Why didn't you just walk into a building?", you might ask. To which I would answer, "Ppppffffhhhhhtttt!"). Now I was able to get very close to the building because my umbrella is broke. One of the metal "spines" that holds the umbrella cloth out is only half there. This allowed me to get flush up against the wall, maintaining full wall protection while giving me full umbrella protection as well. Oh sure, those fancy people with their fancy umbrellas are probably glad that part of their umbrella doesn't fold up in a rain storm, but they were getting wet standing next to the wall by me.
Ppppffffhhhhhttttt!
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My umbrella is horrible. I was walking home from work yesterday when it started to rain, not deluge like the day before, just rain. Actually, just rain and thunder and lightning. I went to open my umbrella and noticed that it had a three inch long metal rod sticking out of the top of it. Now I know that the chance of lightning hitting little old six foot me is a lot less likely than it hitting one of the scores of really tall building around me, but that's not the point! Why should I have to walk around with a lightning rod in a thunderstorm? I have all of these conflicting emotions about my umbrella.
*sigh*
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I was so happy that it was Friday today that I started singing the Friday Song. It goes somethig like this:
It's Friday. It's Friday. It's Friday. It's Friday.
(and it pretty much keeps going on like that)
You can sing those lyrics to whichever tune you want.
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While men may be from Mars, women are from the evil alien overlords on the planet Xenon.
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*The post that had previuosly been here has been removed. For some reason the post that was here was causing a problem with my table. Of course it was the fault of the post and not the fault of the author. And if it wasn't the fault of the post then it was the fault of the browser. The author assumes no liability for the old post. Or this post for that matter.*
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It's the day after the day after the presidential election here in the United States and we still don't have a winner. Maybe we should keep it that way.
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I was watching television with my girlfriend yesterday afternoon when she asked what was going to be on later in the evening. I thought about it for a second or two.
"We'll, it's Thursday. Whose Line is it Anyway? will be on, Friends will be on, and my groove will be on."
"What's 'My Groove'," she asked, looking a bit perplexed.
"You know," I said, "My groove." I began moving my hips back and forth.
"What?"
"My groove," I said again as I stood up and began doing what I hoped was a 'fly', 'dope', or even possibly 'rad' dance move.
She still looked a bit perplexed.
"You know, my groove. I am going to get my groove on."
"Oh," she said.
Of course I had to kill her after that.
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The cable fairy took our cable away over the weekend, and rightfully so it seems. We weren't paying for it and neither was our landlord, but I still think that little cable fairy is a bitch.
When we did watch television over the weekend we would end up saying things like:
"I don't like the static."
"Oh yeah? Which static is that, the visual or the aural?"
or:
"What's the score of the game read, honey?"
"We are watching a game?"
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I am Driver God!
I smite all those who cut me off. No signal? Poof! You are gone in a puff of smoke! Run through a red light? Pow! I turn you into an insignificant flea! Try and force your way in front of me? Zap! I hit you with a lightning bolt!
I am defender of the weak, propagator of justice, bringer of doom!
Hey, I can dream, can't I?.
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Me: "I love having the remote control. The power of being able to do whatever I want with the television. Yeah, I like that."
Her: Looks over at me and makes a brief noise in the back of her throat.
Me: "Except for when you tell me to do something, dear."
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Warning! Warning! Excessive stereotypes ahead! I repeat. Excessive stereotypes ahead!
Human Male:
Species: Coitus Desirus
Objective: Sex
Duration: 0-3 months of a relationship
Offensive Assets: Barry White CD, Candlelit dinner
Defensive Assets: Will not take 'no' for an answer.
Battle Cry: "C'mon baby, if you loved me, you'd do it."
Human Female:
Species: Coldfeetus Maximus
Objective: Warm feet
Duration: First night of sex until end of relationship
Offensive Assets: Snuggling, Whining
Defensive Assets: Will not take 'no' for an answer.
Battle Cry: "C'mon baby, if you loved me, you'd do it."
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I woke up this morning and the sheets were wrapped around my head. I can't remember having enough fun in bed last night to warrant sheets being wrapped around my head.
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Her: "I love you."
Him: "I love you more."
Her: "I love you most."
Him: "I love you more than most."
Her: "You better."
Him: "I do."
Everybody all together now, "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww!"
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Recommended way to try and wake up in the morning when you don't really want to wake up.
If you have pulled this off correctly, she has hit the light switch just as she is walking out the door of the bedroom. Remember, you have to wait until just after she has walked past the light switch! This way, she will have turned the light on and will walk out of the room thinking that you are getting up.
You will notice that the above scenario uses a girlfriend; However, in a pinch, a boyfriend might do the trick. Under no circumstances try this trick on your mother; She will know what you are trying to do!
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Friends, as we begin this holiday season, I would like to take a moment to warn you of an evil. An evil so horrible, so horrendous, so heinous, that it affects millions of people around the world.
If left unchecked, this evil will endanger families, cities, countries, and continents. It will undermine the very fabric of our existence.
The evil I speak of is, of course, nuts in chocolate chip cookies and fudge.
We must be ever vigilant against this diabolical tyranny. Chocolate chip cookies and fudge were not meant to have nuts!
So, I implore you. During these wonderful holidays enjoy your loved ones, but remain watchful for the enemy, for it is everywhere.
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I've got this problem.
I don't know how bad it is. When you've had a problem for as long as I have you lose all objectivity over the control it has over your life.
It started out simply enough; You know how it goes. One day you are sitting around, just a little bored. Maybe the meeting you are at is going into overtime because they can't decide if they should use the color blue. Or maybe you are sitting in traffic, there is nothing good on the radio, and you see the little old lady walking with the cane pass you again.
You begin looking around for something, anything, to keep your interest; Something to take the edge off. You are desperate.
Then it hits you. You know the answer to your problem! You begin doing it at work, at home, in class. The boss coming down hard on you? Do it. The client being a pain in the butt? Do it. That assignment got you down? Do it.
Pretty soon, you are doing it constantly. "Just one little fix", you say. "I can stop whenever I want."
But it just keeps getting worse. You don't get the same rush anymore. You begin doing it just so you can feel okay. Then one day it happens.
You crash. You start looking for more product, but there is none to find. You get anxious, annoyed. You've got to get that fix!
It is all rather embarrassing to admit.
Like I said. I've got this problem. Whenever I see a paperclip I just have to pick it up and start bending it. Doesn't matter if it is the nice metal ones or those awful colored, plastic ones. I just pick it up and starting bending away.
I am not proud. Can you help?
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I've got an f-o-r-d Ford
Made out of t-i-n tin board
And I'll t-a-k-e take you
For an r-i-d-e ride
Into the p-a-r-k park
Where it is d-a-r-k dark
And I'll k-i-s-s kiss you
All the t-i-m-e time.
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I was looking for something to eat last night and I noticed some of those buns that you can heat up sitting on the counter.
I looked over at my girlfriend and said, "I think I'll warm up these buns", as I started moving my hips and making a little rubbing motion around the general area of my...err...buns.
She just looked at me.
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My girlfriend and I were talking about which cartoons we liked as children; the Superfriends ranked high with both of us.
We looked at each other, put our fists together, and said, "Wonder Twin powers activate."
Me: "Form of ice cube!"
Her: "Form of cup!"
Me: "What? You can't be a cup. You have to be some kind of animal type thing."
We put our fists together.
Me: "Form of ice cube!"
Her: "Form of cup!"
I looked at her. "Honey, you can't be a cup!"
We put our fists together.
Me: "Form of ice cube!"
Her: "Form of big cup!"
She looked at me, "I want to be something where I can be close to you."
I smiled; you just can't argue with logic like that.
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I was walking to work this morning and I happened upon one of those people who talk to themselves.
You know the type; they walk around talking just loud enough so you can hear them but just quiet enough so you can't quite make out what they are saying.
I have always been interested in what they are saying, but I have never had the courage to go up and ask them.
So I snuck up behind this one and got real close. Here is what he was mumbling.
"If energy equals mass times the square of the speed of light and force equals mass times acceleration then mass equals energy over the square of the speed of light and mass equals force over acceleration so energy over the square of the speed of light equals force over acceleration so energy times acceleration over the square of the speed of light equals force so since force equals mass times acceleration and force equals energy times acceleration over the square of the speed of light then mass times acceleration equals energy times acceleration over the square of the speed of light..."
That's all I heard because I had to go into my office building then.
Who knew?
caveat lector