"My fellow Americans. I know you aren't happy with my interrupting a new episode of Friends to talk to you tonight, so let me make this brief. Let me get straight to the point. Let me take up as little time as possible. Let me begin without delay. Let me stop wasting your time. Let me stop talking just to hear myself talk. Let me not beat around the bush. Hehe...bush...get it?"
"Anyway...I was reading the National Enquirer yesterday and it seems Elena Slough of Trenton NJ, America's oldest person, died at the age 115. She is survived by a loving son and a daughter, numerous grandchildren, and her dog, Floppy. She was a nurse for over fifty years, saved the lives of four men and a cat when she ran into a burning building to help them escape, and donated over forty years of her life volunteering with the Humane Society."
"None of that means didley-squat. Elena died a slacker...a loser, and I am here tonight to implore you, my fellow Americans, to stop dying so young!"
"The Russians currently have a woman that is 124 years old. The Japanese? A woman who is 116 years old. Even the French, the French, have had someone who lived to be 122 years old!"
"The French!"
"This will not do. America shall not bow in the face of foreign competition. Making Americans live longer shall now be on top of this administration's agenda. To carry out this new policy, I am officially declaring war on every old person in every other nation of the world. This name of this new military undertaking is Operation: Golden Geezer Justice."
"You may ask yourselves what you, my fellow Americans, can do to help aid in this new war on geezers. It is simple - support our old and decrepit. Make sure they don't get too excited or have too much fun. Maybe take them to a slightly boring movie, bowling, or a bingo game where the prizes are fairly cheap and poorly made. If they start wanting to do too much on their own or start having too much fun, push them down on a concrete sidewalk - but not too hard, you only want to crack a hip! - to help slow them down a bit."
"As you can see, there is plenty that you can do to help our elderly keep living dull and meaningless - but long - lives."
"My fellow Americans, if we as a country are to overcome this new, mortal threat to America's sovereignty, we must unite together as one nation as never before. My fellow Americans, we must all live longer or die trying!"