FASCISM, LLC, an investment firm based out of Brookfield, NY, is being sued by a group of investors who are claiming that because the company didn't break any SEC regulations when investing their money, the company wasn't trying hard enough to get a good return on their investment.
Bob Pollhurst, one of the key plaintiffs in the court case against the investment firm, released this statement earlier today. "Fidelity Accord Superior Capital Investments Strong Mutual, LLC did a great disservice to the majority of its investors by following all the rules and playing fair. When other investment firms were seeing 25% - 30% returns on their clients' investments, Fidelity Accord Superior Capital Investments Strong Mutual, LLC was stuck making and annual average ROI of 22.3%. That's 2.7% - 7.7% less than other companies. The majority of Fidelity Accord Superior Capital Investments Strong Mutual, LLC's investors are poor people, just like you, and cannot understand why the company insists on ethical practices, especially when it gets in the way of making big bucks. That's why all of us rich investors are bringing suit, to protect the poor people and get their money back - which they will! - after us rich people get our cut, and we pay our lawyers fees, and take another cut because of all the time and effort of bringing this lawsuit. Oh yes, and not naming the poor people who invested with Fidelity Accord Superior Capital Investments Strong Mutual, LLC as co-plaintiffs in the lawsuit is actually a kindness on our part. I mean seriously, what kind of cheap-ass, ambulance-chasing lawyers could they actually afford anyway - and they will most likely, at some point, possibly, get a small percentage of their money back. Maybe."
Fidelity Accord Superior Capital Investments Strong Mutual, LLC responded with this statement. "We are going to declare bankruptcy and all the upper management will be retiring and buying beach-front property on very small, exclusive tropical islands. We should have done this years ago because, frankly, investors are stupid, greedy, ignorant, and behave with a herd-like mentality to normal fluctuations in the markets. Fuck 'em."