Tub of Ice

I was walking down the street, thinking about nothing but the muffaletta sandwich I'd be chomping on soon when a cute little thing walked up to me and asked if I wanted to go to a party.

"Sure," I said, "just let me grab my sandwich first."

Walked into the shop, got my sandwich, then she gave me a little something.

"Pregame," she said with a smile.

I woke up in a tub of ice with a kidney gone but there was a note reading, "Enjoy your muffaletta sandwich." My muffaletta sandwich was there, so I mowed down.

I woke up in a tub of ice with a lung gone but there was a note reading, "Sorry about that, here's another sandwich for you." And darned if there wasn't another muffaletta sandwich there from my favorite shop. Sammich time!

I woke up in a tub of ice with my appendix gone but there was a note reading. "We noticed your appendix looked inflamed so we removed it. Take care." And they left me some flowers – so sweet! - which I smelled.

I woke up in a tub of ice with my spleen gone but there was a text message on a burner phone reading, "We nicked ur spleen when we removed ur appendix so drugged ur flowers & removed ur spleen." And then the phone shocked me.

I woke up in a tub of ice with my gallbladder gone but there was a note reading, "The surgeon we're training had never seen a gallbladder before, so we showed him yours. He wanted to study it so we removed it. When you go, please leave the tub of ice as is because we need it for more kidney removals." As I was getting out of the tub of ice I slipped on the ice and banged my head.

I woke up in a tub of ice with my head shaved but there was a note reading, "Please be more careful, you almost died and we had to cut open your skull to relieve the pressure on your brain. It was really gross and we do not want to do it again." As I tried getting out of the tub – carefully! - I slipped again and twisted my knee so badly I passed out from the pain.

I woke up in a tub of ice with my knee replaced but there was a note saying, "What do you think, ice and new knees grow on trees? You are far too careless. Carefully get out of the tub and go home...or else." I just lay in the tub relaxing, checking out my new knee-bending action - boy that new kneecap really worked slick - when I started getting cold and sleepy.

I woke up in a tub of ice in my own bathroom but there was a note reading, "You seemed to be suffering from hypothermia so we brought you to your house and filled your tub with ice and put you in it to slow down your metabolism to mitigate the effects of hypothermia. We don't know if that's the right thing to do, what are we, doctors?"

caveat lector