INTRODUCTION FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
by Guy McSandersFellowsonchild

Welcome to H - The Daily Worldwide Enquiring Times-Journal Examiner.

H was created in order to improve upon the news. So often in today's society the news is boring, uninteresting, drab, humdrum, stodgy, uninteresting and many other adjectives, so a bunch of us got together to shake things up.

It is H's promise to you that if the news is not very interesting, we will change it to make it interesting. It is H's promise to you that if the news is not interesting at all, we will completely make something interesting up. It is H's promise to you that if you don't pay us lots of money to do this, we will kneecap you.

H does this all for you.

Aren't you lucky.

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by Dick Thourghood
WASHINGTON D.C. - "It's true," stated one Whitehouse source.

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BUSH TOURS HURRICANE-BATTERED GULF COAST
by Jimmy the Pirate

BILOXI, MS - Facing sharp criticism, President Bush opened a tour of the hurricane-battered Gulf Coast on Friday by saying, "This is going to be a great gig. I can feel it. We hope to hit New Orleans, Biloxi, Mobile, and Tallahassee,. I don't know if I can wail on the sax like I used to, but I've got a great backup band. We'll put on a heck of a good show."

Once at the coast, Bush expressed unhappiness with the federal efforts so far to provide food and water to hurricane victims and to stop looting and lawlessness in New Orleans. "The results are not acceptable," said Bush, who rarely admits failure.

When a senior Whitehouse correspondent pointed out to him that, since he was the President, and the President ran the federal government, and the federal government was in charge of the federal relief efforts, Bush replied, "Really?"

The president's comments came after New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin lashed out at federal officials, telling a local radio station, "they don't have a clue what's going on down here."

Bush responded, "Sure we do. You were hit by a hurricane, and that's a pretty gosh-darned big thing to get hit with."

In Biloxi, MS, Bush encountered two weeping women on a street where a house had collapsed and towering trees were stripped of their branches. "My son needs clothes," said Linda Smith, 23, clutching several trash bags. "I don't have anything."

"You've got some trash bags filled with looted goods," replied Bush. "So you have that going for you."

Bush kissed both women on their heads and walked with his arms around them, telling them they could get help from the Salvation Army. "By the way," Bush added, "how do you think the federal government is handling the situation down here, you know, on a scale of 1-10?"

Bush got a warm reception in Mobile from Governors Haley Barbour of Mississippi and Bob Riley of Alabama. Both praised the federal government's response. Bush stated, "Wait a minute. I just heard we weren't doing so good. Now this? Which is it?"

Standing with the governors in an airplane hangar housing Air Force One, Bush said, "We have a responsibility to clean up this mess." Adding, "You know, cause we're the government and you all pay taxes and everything." He then invited the governors onboard saying, "This place is depressing, lets get out of here. I know this great little sushi place in Maine."

"What is not working right, we're going to make it right," Bush said. Referring to rampant looting and crime in New Orleans. "We are going to restore order in the city of New Orleans. Except for Bourbon Street. Restoring order there would suck - it's such a fun, disorderly place. Oh yeah, and Mardi Gras, No order for New Orleans during Mardi Gras."

On the plane, Bush was briefed on plans for housing the tens of thousands of people displaced by the hurricane. "There's a lot of aid surging toward those who've been affected. Millions of gallons of water. Millions of tons of food. Unfortunately the millions of gallons of water are coming from ocean storm surge and the millions of tons of food is actually sharks and giant, killer squids. But let me assure folks, it is coming."

"We're making progress about pulling people out of the Superdome," the president said, referring to the massive damage the structure received while sheltering thousands of people. "I'd like to add that Hurricane Katrina is the furthest I have ever seen an NFL franchise go to try and get public funding for a new football stadium."

For the first time since the hurricane struck the coast, Bush stopped defending his administration's response and criticized it. "A lot of people are working hard to help those who have been affected, now, if we could just get the federal government to chip in."

Bush hoped that his tour of the hurricane-ravaged states would boost the spirits of increasingly desperate storm victims and their tired rescuers. "I don't know why," Bush said, "but people really seem to like me. I make them feel good about themselves. I just light up a room."

Friday's trip follows a 35-minute flyover of the region he took Wednesday aboard Air Force One as he headed back to Washington from his Texas ranch where he was taking a vacation. "That was one of the hardest vacations of my life," Bush said . "You may think it's easy to view a region's devastation sitting in Air Force One while being served Filet Mignon by my personal chef at 35,000 feet, but I'm here to tell you that you have to squint your eyes real hard in order to see devastation from that high up."

While the president was working his way along the coast, his wife, Laura, was scheduled to be nearby in LaFayette, LA. Mrs. Bush was to visit the Cajundome area to console people who took shelter there. "Why anybody would seek shelter in something called a 'Cajundome' is beyond me," she said.

Bush has tried to respond to Katrina in a way that evokes the national goodwill he cultivated after the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, but he began facing questions about his leadership in the crisis almost immediately. New Orleans officials, in particular, were enraged about what they said was a slow federal response. "Look," said one New Orleans official, "We may have built this city on swamps and sand bars that sit below sea level right next to the ocean and the paths of hurricanes, and we may lack the political will to use the technological know-how that we have to avert this amount of hurricane damage, but those feds sure are slow with that federal aide."

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CLOBBERED COMET HIRES GHOST OF JOHNNY COCHRAN FOR LAWSUIT
by Hans Grüber Christensen Anders

WASHINGTON D.C. - Comet Tempel 1, hit in early July by an 820-pound NASA probe, has hired the late Johnny Cochran to sue NASA, The United States of America, and the World.

"My client has been egregiously assaulted by the scientists of NASA working on behalf of the United States of America for the betterment for all mankind," ghost of Cochran said at a press conference earlier today on the steps of the United States Supreme Court. "We are thus seeking recompense in the form of $6 billion U.S. Dollars. That's just $1 for each human being that perpetrated this vicious attack - we believe that is more than fair."

"Tempel 1 was looked upon as a mere lump of space rock floating through outer space without any regard to its feelings or rights as a heavenly object, which is why it hired another heavenly object to defend those rights," continued Cochran. "And yes, I did go to heaven thank you very much."

Tempel 1 read a prepared statement: "I was hurtling through your solar system at around 23,000 miles per hour, just minding my own business - you know, out cruisin' for chicks - when out of nowhere this rocket slammed into me. Sure, I might have been breaking a law or two, you know, hurtling at too high a rate of speed, emitting noxious gasses, but none of that gives anyone the right to slam a probe into me! Since the attack I haven't been able to eat or sleep, I've had to quit my job, and the doctor says I have severe physical and emotional damage from the..the incident."

"That's right," Cochran's ghost stated, "my client is currently on Valium, Prozac and Percocet. The possibility of addiction to these unfortunately necessary medications is something we are taking very seriously."

Things do not look good for NASA, the U.S.A or the World. It is rumored that there are video recordings of the incident floating all over the internet, the mission was named Deep Impact - indicating a certain predilection in the minds of many about the desired outcome by NASA, and some NASA sources have apparently been quoted as saying "the impact occurred right where we wanted it to" and "we couldn't be happier with the results - we have all the data we could have asked for" which may all lead a jury to the belief that the attack was premeditated.

Wrapping up the press conference and vanishing before answering any questions from reporters, the ghost of Johnny Cochran concluded, "Since the world did shoot I must prosecute!"

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GOP LEADERS SEEK TO DEFLECT KATRINA OUTCRY WITH PROBE
Editorial by Biff, Extraterrestrial Editor

WASHINGTON D.C. - Republican leaders sought to take the lead on a congressional investigation of the federal government's response to Hurricane Katrina this week as criticism of the Bush administration continued to build.

"Americans deserve answers. We must do all we can to learn from this tragedy, improve the system and protect all of our citizens," House Speaker Dennis Hastert and Majority Leader Bill Frist said in a statement.

Having been abducted by aliens 642 times and been an American citizen all my life (except for the year I spent on Zalaxia 4 - try explaining why you couldn't file your taxes to the IRS during an audit for being way out of country) I am extremely, né painfully, aware of probes of all kinds, and let me tell you folks, there has never been a probe of any kind that has turned out well for me as an abductee or an American citizen.

It's always the people or aliens in authority on the giving end of a probe and it is always the abductees or the citizens on the receiving end of a probe. Oh sure, various head honcho aliens and politicians are there asking and answering questions but they always seem to come out smelling like roses, which is definitely not the case as an abductee or U.S. citizen.

I remember my first probe, of the citizen variety, occurring sometime in the 80's. Iran-Contra was all the rage, lots of questions were asked, very few people could actually remember events that had (allegedly) happened, some people got book and television deals out of it, others remained in their political posts, no actual questions were answered and nobody got in any actual trouble. All in all lots of time, effort and money was spent on something bad that had happened and the American citizens didn't get any answers.

9/11 probe? Millions of dollars spent and the only guy who got in trouble was the one who tried to warn us it was going to happen. WMD probe? Too late, already in Iraq, so sorry America, it wasn't anybody's fault really, just some incorrect information, besides, we can't leave the country now. Intern sex in the Whitehouse probe? Spend millions of taxpayer dollars having sex defined and then try to censure the bum for lying. Try to censure...a politician...for lying.

Frankly I prefer the abductee type of probe. I know what to expect, it doesn't cost me a darned cent, and it is over quickly.

So what Mssrs. Hastert and Frist are really saying is: Bend over America, we've got another probe for you - we promise it won't hurt a bit.

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Porn Industry Hurt By Katrina, Even Masochists Unhappy
by Monique Leveque

(Editor's note: This is the first in a series of articles on how Hurricane Katrina has affected various industries across the U.S.)

"Work and hobbies just don't seem very important these days, not when people - American citizens - have lost everything they own," said Cassandra 'Boobs' McCormick before going on stage at Jim's Grill Thrill and Drill in Laughlin, Nevada. "I mean, stripping naked, strapping on a dildo and riding the mechanical bull just doesn't give me the same sense of purpose and accomplishment it once did. It's somehow lost its meaning."

Cassandra's story is not unique. Hundreds of adult film actors and actresses around the country that have no family or connection in any way whatsoever with the Gulf Coast - people that have little to no reason to be negatively impacted by Hurricane Katrina at all - are finding it difficult to cope.

"I haven't been able to get it up for weeks now," said Drew 'Big Balls' Sizemore. "I've been popping viagra like candy, but nothing. And it's not only me, I'll be riding some guy bareback, go for the reach around, and he'll be as flaccid as me. It really sucks."

The sale of pornographic videos, sex toys and other marriage-enhancing objects has been in decline since the weeks following Hurricane Katrina. "Gas prices are at an all-time high, so you know the oil companies and oil refineries are doing well and the sale of all kinds of goods and services has remained fairly stable, but peoples' libido seem to be down," said one porn industry analyst. "It must be all that death and destruction on the television. It's easy to overlook those kinds of things when it happens in other countries, but when it happens closer to home, it really hits, um, hard."

President Bush has urged Americans to start buying more marital aids. "This administration has always been a strong supporter of the american family and we need the american family now more than ever. In order to keep the american family strong and keep this economy rolling we all need to do our, and other people's, parts. All you God-fearing, bible thumping, Jesus-loving Christians - and all you heathens, too - we all need to get out there and buy X-rated DVDs, fill stripper's g-strings with cash, and continue using prostitutes illegally in order to keep your family, and this economy, strong. To show the dedication and belief my administration has in the american family, I will be asking congress to create a $245 million Family and Marital Aid stimulus package. Your government is doing its part, now you, as patriotic Americans, need to get out there and do yours."

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Bush to Americans: It's Not About Race
by Sandhya Kunavarasaji

President Bush released a statement earlier today letting Americans know that the failures at all levels of government in dealing with Hurricane Katrina had nothing to do with race.

"I have nothing but respect for Black people. All Black people. Even those in prison. I can honestly say I have never met a Black person I did not like. I especially like the way they dance and play basketball."

"Some of my best friends are Black," continued Bush. "Well, not Black exactly, more like a light-mocha-chocolate color, you know, kinda creamy. But heck ya, they sure are nice, especially those light-colored ones."

"I mean, look at Dr. Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell - I love those guys."

"No no no, New Orleans and the rest of the Gulf Coast had nothing to do with race at all...it's just a shame there were so many poor people down there. If those people weren't so poor they might have had a television or radio with which to listen to the evacuation warnings. Or maybe if they could read they could have read the headlines in the newspapers with which they wrap themselves at night to keep warm - which I've heard is actually pretty comfortable. Or maybe if they had a job they would have waited on some middle-class or rich people at the Pottery Barn in the mall or at a McDonalds, struck up a conversation, and learned about it that way. Then, after they'd taken the bus home they could have warned all their friends to start walking out of town."

"So you see, the problem wasn't Black people, the problem was poor people."

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Bush: 'Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2005' for a Stronger America
by Jimmy the Pirate

On October 17, the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2005 takes effect for all Americans.

The new law is an attempt to establish a clear requirement that debtors should repay their debts. That mandate is absent from current law, which instead focuses on helping overwhelmed debtors get a fresh start.

Some wonder how the new law will affect victims of Hurricane Katrina. "People who are seriously affected by this hurricane are not going to be able to file bankruptcy by October 17," said Henry Sommer, "They have more pressing things in their lives, like survival."

The chairman of the U.S. House Judiciary Committee said on Tuesday he had no intention of reopening the sweeping bankruptcy law passed by Congress for victims of the hurricane.

President Bush had this to say, "This Act makes common-sense reforms to our bankruptcy laws for American citizens. By restoring integrity to the bankruptcy process, this law will make our financial system stronger and better. By making the system fairer for creditors, we will ensure that more Americans can get access to affordable credit. Under the new law, citizens who have the ability to pay will be required to pay back at least a portion of their debts. This law is needed to crack down on abuse of the bankruptcy system."

In other, completely unrelated, news, Delta Airlines and Northwest Airlines followed United Airlines and US Airways into bankruptcy. United, the No. 2 airline, has been in bankruptcy court for almost three years. US Airways has been in bankruptcy court twice since the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks that shook the airline industry. With those four major airlines and some smaller ones already in bankruptcy, nearly half of the industry's capacity is on carriers operating under bankruptcy court oversight. The latest bankruptcies, which had been widely anticipated, could put added pressure on other carriers including industry leader AMR Corp., parent of American Airlines, by putting them at a competitive disadvantage as their bankrupt rivals shed costs and ditch pensions, analysts said.

Bush states, "Bankruptcy should always be a last resort in our legal system. If someone does not pay his or her debts, the rest of society ends up paying them. In recent years, too many American citizens have abused the bankruptcy laws. They've walked away from debts even when they had the ability to repay them."

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You Say Evacuee, I Say Refugee, Let's Call The Whole Thing Off
by Johnny Shoeshine

WAHSINGTON D.C. - There's been a big hullabaloo in recent days concerning what to call victims of Hurricane Katrina who have had to leave their homes. Experts from all over the country have been chiming in.

Reverend Jesse Jackson: The term refugee is racist language. We are not refugees. We are American citizens.

Media Critic, Kelly Crossley: When you think about a refugee, what comes to mind are those people walking across borders in the Sudan. Walking across Somalia. You see these persons as people of color, without a home, carrying everything they own in one bag.

President of Refugee International, Kenneth Bacon: There are hundreds of thousands of refugees in the United States who don't fit any racial pattern. These are people who are fleeing for their lives, fleeing for freedom, trying to find a better life for themselves and their children. Many of these people have great dignity. That's what the term refugee means to me.

In fact, the only ones not asked what they should be called have been the victims themselves, and here's why. When asked what he should be called, a man who was walking down the Interstate, heading out of New Orleans with only the clothes on his back replied, "What the fuck are you talking about? Call me whatever the hell you want. I just lost my wife, my home, my job, and all my stuff. You gotta be kidding me with this 'What should I be called' shit! Call me a damned cab! Call me a Wet-Tired-Homeless-Hungry-Pissed Off-uee. In fact, good luck calling me in the first place cuz I ain't got a phone. Bunch a damned fools."

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These Caucasians Are Wonderful!
by Dick Thourghood

SALT LAKE CITY, UT - Mary Johnson and Diane Smith relocated to Salt Lake City, UT from New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina and had this to say about their new Mormon brothers and sisters: mp3 file.

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Poor Farmers Are Weak Link In Bird Flu Flight
by Xi Xiang

HONG KONG - Reluctance by poor Asian poultry farmers to report bird flu outbreaks is a weak link in the fight to prevent the deadly disease spreading and causing a human pandemic, the World Health Organization said on Monday.

"I'm getting really sick of poor people," Bush said in an interview earlier today from his Texas ranch. "Yup, sure am. First they cause me all these headaches in New Orleans and the other Gulf States of Mississippi, Alabama, Wisconsin and Iraq, and now I hear poor people in other countries are being a pain in the ass, too. Fucking poor people."

Dr Shigeru Omi, WHO regional director for the Western Pacific said, "We need to realize that there is very little incentive for farmers to report suspected outbreaks. In fact, fear that their flocks might be culled without compensation is a pretty strong disincentive to report an outbreak."

To which Bush replied, "Why is it always about money with these poor people?"

Omi said Asian governments were trying their best to combat avian flu, but there was insufficient capacity for proper surveillance in rural villages, and a lack of education was leaving farmers and market operators at risk.

"Great!" Bush said, "You WHO guys probably want money, too."

WHO has warned that countries far from heavily hit Southeast Asian states were not safe because the disease was spreading through migratory wildfowl, with the biggest fear that it would spread west into Europe.

"Only Europe?" asked Bush. "Phew, that's a relief."

"We must not underestimate the threat the world now faces from emerging diseases such as pandemic influenza," WHO's global director general, Dr Lee Jong-wook, told the conference.

"Wait a minute!" Bush said. "That other guy said it was just going to be Europe's problem, what's this 'world' stuff you're talking about now?"

"The only condition missing is the emergence of a virus that is capable of rapid transmission among humans," he said.

"Isn't that a kinda important aspect of the whole thing, though?" asked Bush. "I mean, if it can't transmit rapidly among humans, what's the big deal?"

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Mobile Home Industry Waiting on FEMA
by K. K. Piupiuhed

WASHINGTON D.C. - Manufacturers are gearing up to produce cities of mobile homes for Hurricane Katrina victims, but 10 days after the federal government received their proposals to address the housing emergency, the companies are still waiting for a response.

"A lot of people are waiting to see which Haliburton subcontractor is going to get the deal," said Phyllis Knight, executive vice president and chief financial officer for Champion Enterprises Inc., a mobile home manufacturer based in Auburn Hills, MI.

Federal Emergency Management Agency set a Sept. 9 deadline for mobile home makers to submit bids. But FEMA spokesman Butch Kinerney said there has been a delay because the agency's parent, the Department of Homeland Security, has yet to approve a housing plan.

"We want to be good stewards of taxpayer dollars," he said on Friday. "I know they (Haliburton manufacturers) are standing by and getting a little frustrated - they really want their money after all. We just want to make sure we are spending the money the right way. It doesn't mean people are going to go without. Well, except for the hundreds of thousands of people waiting for a temporary home."

Phillip P. Long, whose Mobile Home Institute's 40 manufacturing members represent about 85 percent of the industry, said they hoped to provide "not only temporary housing and shelter ... but down the road we can play a role in building the permanent housing. Nothing would look better when rebuilding the Big Easy than thousands of permanent manufactured homes - lined up row after row - and the next time a big storm comes through it would be fairly cheap to rebuild again. There's just no end to the benefits of mobile homes."

Bob Johnson, owner of Clayton Dream Homes, the nation's largest mobile home manufacturer, said his company rounded up 1,800 mobile homes from retail lots across the country and sent them to a staging area in Texarkana, Texas. "When we get the word we'll send them to all the evacuees along the Gulf Coast. With any luck, the mobile homes will get there in time to help shelter them from Hurricane Rita. Although after Rita passes, we'll probably have to ship them new homes again. This'll be great for our, and America's, bottom line."

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Joint DEA/FBI Sting Takes Down $104 Billion NASA Drug Ring
by Ima Doorman

WASHINGTON D.C. - At a press conference held earlier today, FBI spokesperson Elizabeth Gables stated, "The FBI, working in conjunction with the DEA and acting on a tip from a NASA informant, recovered over $104 Billion of American taxpayer money. The money, originally earmarked for various projects to help the United States get to the Moon and Mars, was being diverted by NASA Administrator Michael Griffin to purchase steroids to help himself and other NASA nerds get buff so they could pick up chicks in bars."

Griffin, who allegedly used terms like "Apollo on steroids" and "moon shot" during a recent NASA press conference, was picked up by FBI and DEA agents for questioning.

"They were really rather bold about the whole thing," said FBI Special Agent Sykes. "We received a tip from a disgruntled NASA employee about an upcoming press conference that was to be held by Mr. Griffin so we sent a few guys down there to check things out. When we heard some commonly used drug buzzwords we picked him up and took him downtown. He broke after 4 hours of routine questioning and signed an affidavit admitting everything."

While being transported to a special federal penal facility, Mr. Griffin was overheard saying, "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids."

The $104 Billion is currently being held by vice-president Dick Cheney at an undisclosed Haliburton location.

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G-8 Leaders: Global Warming Is Public Enemy No. 1
by Jimmy the Pirate

LONDON - A new study presented to G-8 leaders shows global warming causing massive glacier and ice melt, food shortages, fresh water reserves to diminish across the globe, increase in frequency and size of storms and droughts, permafrost to disappear, and ocean levels to rise and wipe out many Asia-Pacific and Third-world nations.

In separate joint statements the G-8 leaders pledged to finally take the threat of global warming seriously.

American President George Bush stated, "We cannot afford to lose the cheap labor that the Asia-Pacific and Third-world nations provide for our jeans, tennis shoes and electronic goods. Can you imagine how much Nikes would cost if they actually had to pay for labor? The Group of Eight has committed to make a dedicated effort to eventually curtail some carbon dioxide emissions across the board within the next 20 decades or so. Possibly."

British Prime Minister Tony Blair added, "For years we have depended on people from the Third-world to illegally enter our country and wash our clothes and windows, watch over our children and grandchildren, sweep our streets, and if they were hot, bear our illegitimate bastard children. When they wanted raises and worker's rights we have kicked them out of the country and welcomed the next wave of immigrants with open arms. It is time we gave back to the people who have given us so much."

French President Jacques Chirac and Italian President Carlo Ciampi continued, "Our nations' fashion industries rely very heavily on the cheap Indian silk cultivated and spun by children and the cotton picked by destitute farmers in China which is shipped to Korea and Vietnam where Gucci and Prada t-shirts with 10,000% markups are sewn by one-handed one-legged constipated blind lepers with gout."

Russian President Vladimir Putin went on, "I have no idea why Russia is a part of the G-8. Seriously, I don't even know which former USSR states are still a part of our new Russian Federation. All I know is I will eventually get those damned Chechens to join up!"

American President George Bush wrapped things up by saying, "There is a silver-lining to the dark cloud of global warming that threatens to rain on all of us. The permafrost is melting in the arctic, and with the permafrost gone, it will be much easier and less expensive to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska. Plus we have all that free Haliburton oil in Iraq. So things are really looking up."

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Shorts: 25 September 2005
by Ta-ta Dingle Dangle

Anti-war protesters march in London to demand Bush pullout from Iraq
LONDON - Thousands of anti-war protesters marched through London on Saturday to demand that President George Bush pull troops out of Iraq.

It is believed the protest will be largely unsuccesful as George Bush is president of the United States and not Britain.

U.S. Department of Homeland Security, "Threat Level: Severe"
WASHINGTON D.C. - According to undisclosed sources from undisclosed locations, undisclosed disclosures reveal that a new threat - Extreme Islamic Terrorist Hurricanes - are set to descend on Southern U.S. cities bordering the Gulf Coast.

Cheney's aneurysm surgery a success
The procedure lasted six hours and while there were no complications, vice-president Cheny died in the recovery room.

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School Expels Girl for Having Gay Parents
by Koo Koo Katchoo

ONTARIO, Calif. - A 14-year-old student was expelled from a Christian school because her parents are lesbians, the school's superintendent said in a letter.

"Your family does not meet the policies of admission," Superintendent Leonardo Stobelli told Katrina Clarkson, the girl's biological mother. "School policy requires that at least one parent may not engage in practices 'immoral or inconsistent with a positive Christian life style, such as cohabitating without marriage or in a homosexual relationship.'"

In a note to the 14-year-old student, Leonardo Strobelli stated, "You could stay in school, for instance, if you had a mommy and daddy, and while daddy was in Reno spending your college tuition on booze hookers and gambling, mommy stayed home and cleaned the house. Or, you could stay in school if you had a mommy who was a cocaine-addicted vegan Wiccan and a daddy who went to church every Sunday. But, since you have two loving, devoted, caring, compassionate, Christian mommies you are expelled from this school and you are all going to burn in Hell unless you accept Jesus Christ as your savior and repent your evil ways."

"Oh yes," Stobelli continued, "you could also stay in school if your parents made a substantial financial contribution to the church, but since your 'parents' are poor hippies, we can make no special allowances."

"Stop crying and go away kid, you bother me."

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IMF clears deal to erase poor nations’ debt
by William Two Bears Haroldson

WASHINGTON - A deal to erase billions of dollars of debt for poor countries cleared an important hurdle Saturday, winning the endorsement of the International Monetary Fund’s steering committee. The agreement would forgive an estimated $40 billion worth of debt for at least 18 poor countries — most of them in Africa — owed to the IMF, the World Bank and the African Development Bank.

The World Bank and IMF did not want the debt plan to impair their ability to provide aid and sought assurances the rich nations would put up the money to cover the loan repayments lost when the debts are written off. Finance officials from the Group of Eight countries — the United States, Japan, Germany, France, Britain, Italy, Canada and Russia — pledged on Friday to “cover the full cost to offset dollar for dollar” the loan repayments that would be lost.

Adolf Robertson of the IMF stated, "The G-8 reassurances are very important as we want to make sure we can succesfully underwrite massively profitable, and completely unaffordable, new loans to those 18 countries as soon as possible."

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Hurricanes Pissing People Off
Editorial: Guy McSandersFellowsonchild

President Bush: Damn poor people.

President Clinton: I did not... have... sexual... relations... with... that... hurricane. Wait, which hurricane? Define sex.

FEMA: The "E" stands for what now?

Louisiana governor: It's the federal government's fault.

New Orleans mayor: It's the federal government's fault.

Black people: It's Whities fault.

White people: Where's my damned latte?

Poor people: Hello? Is anybody listening?

Hurricane homeless: Sleeping on an army cot sucks.

Regular Homeless: Sleeping on an army cot sucks.

Gulf Coast: It wasn't just New Orleans.

New Orleans Saints owners: Can we finally build a new stadium with public money now?

Intelligent Design backers: Okay, maybe Not-Quite-Intelligent Design instead?

Insurance companies: Here, sign this piece of paper without reading it or you won't receive your benefit claim.

Fundamentalist religious zealots: Sinners repent!

Pfc. England: The hurricanes made me do it.

Red Cross: Send money!

Other charities: Send something...anything!

Oil companies: We were hoping Rita would be more devastating.

Environmentalists: We told you so.

Former FEMA Chief: Stupid freedom of the press.

Haliburton: When are we getting the friggin' contracts for the relief efforts?

Actors/Musicians: How many free fundraising events are we supposed to do a year?

Brad Pitt: Katrina and I are just good friends.

Jerry Springer Special: That bitch Katrina done stole my man!

DeLAy: Shouldn't we be concentrating on the hurricane relief efforts?

Third-World Countries: It ain't so easy, is it?

Roberts: I cannot answer the question of hurricanes in the abstract. I cannot comment on hurricanes as that issue may someday come before the court. I will not allow my personal beliefs to interfere with hurricanes and how they relate to the constitution. Doctor Zhivago rocks.

Microsoft: It's Google's fault.

Google: We don't do evil things.

Apple: The iPod Nano screen is fine.

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John Roberts Sworn at as 17th Chief Justice
by Dick Thourghood

WASHINGTON D.C. - John G. Roberts Jr., a protégé of the late William H. Rehnquist, became the nation’s youngest chief justice in two centuries, winning support from more than three-fourths of the Senate. Roberts, at 50, becomes the 17th chief justice, presiding over a Supreme Court that opens a new term on Monday.

"He is one bright and classy motherfucker," stated president Bush at a dinner in Robert's honor.

"Fucking A!" yelled Robert's wife as she jumped out of her chair, pumping her fist while making early-90s Arsenio Hall "woof" noises.

Not everybody on the Hill was happy, however. Senator Edward Kennedy (D. Mass.), who voted against the nomination, said, "That fucking asshole! He didn't answer even one of my goddamned questions during the hearings! Shit."

Senator Mark Dayton (D. Minn.), who also voted against Robert's nomination, wrapped things up by saying, "Fuck."

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It's An Honor To Be Your Honor When...
by Billy Bob Bubba Hotep

WASHINGTON D.C. - Transcript of John Robert's Confirmation Speech

(Applause)

John Roberts: Thank you very much. Let me begin by thanking President Bush, Justice John Paul Stevens, my beautiful wife Jane, my wonderful kids, my dear mother, my father, my 5th grade Social Studies teacher...

(Orchestra Music Begins)

John Roberts: Don't you start playing that music yet! Don't you dare!

(Orchestra Music Stops)

(Laughter)

John Roberts: I'd like to thank the remarkable team that assisted me throughout the nomination process, Ed Gillespie, Senator Thompson, let's see, did I forget anyone? Harriet Miers, Bill Kelley, and...just...just...everyone on the team. I am very grateful to each and every one of you. Oh yes, and I'd like to thank God, the Lord above, without who none of this would be possible.

John Roberts: Senator Frist, Senator Leahy, other members of the Senate whose names I cannot recall right now, I view the vote this morning as a confirmation of what is for me a bedrock principle, that judging is different from politics. And I appreciate the vote, very much.

John Roberts: I'd especially like to thank all the members of the Senate who voted for me - your parking tickets will be taken care of and you will be receiving those little blue handicapped parking signs that you can hang on the back of your rear view mirror within the next three days, as promised. And for those of you who didn't vote for me, neener...neener...neener.

John Roberts: The process we have just completed epitomizes the separation of powers that is enshrined in our Constitution. My nomination was announced some ten weeks ago here in the White House, the home of the executive branch. This morning, further up Pennsylvania Avenue, it was approved in the Capitol, the home of the legislative branch. And tomorrow I will go into the Supreme Court building to join my colleagues, the home of the judicial branch, which is, let's face facts, the most powerful branch of government. After all, it was the judicial branch that picked the president in the 2000 presidential election and we get to decide what is and what is not constitutional. The executive and the legislature have carried out their responsibilities and ensured the succession of authority in the judicial branch. And they will all bow before me, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, their chosen God!

John Roberts: What Daniel Webster termed, "the miracle of our Constitution" is not something that happens every generation, but looking out upon the other Supreme Court Justices here today, I see it will happen fairly often during this generation. You are all a bunch of old, decrepit, black-robe-wearing geriatrics and I look forward to serving with your replacements.

John Roberts: Die, old folks, die!

John Roberts: Every generation must, in its turn, accept the responsibility of supporting and defending the Constitution, and bear true faith and allegiance to it. As opposed to not-so-true faith and the kind of allegiance that most people show their church, you know, the kind where you only show up and participate twice a year on Christmas and Easter?

John Roberts: Thank you Mr. President. Thank you members of the Senate. And thank you colleagues for being here to share this special moment. Thank you. Thank you very much. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts has left the building.

(Applause)

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Army To Troops: BYOB
by Xi Xiang

Washington D.C. - Nearly a year after Congress passed a law requiring the Department of Defense to reimburse soldiers up to $1,100 for equipment they purchase for themselves for the war in Iraq, Pentagon officials have yet to start distributing payments.

"I ain't got shit from the D.O.D! HOO-YA!" said Pfc. Bill Fritz. "I bought me an X-Box, a guitar, and put a down payment and a purple Hyundai Accent for my girlfriend back home, but the D.O.D. ain't cut me a check yet. That shit ain't right! HOO-YA!"

For Marine Sergeant Tim Bowerson those extra pieces of equipment - a high tech rifle scope bought by is father for $600 and a $100 pair of goggles he bought himself - turned out to be life-or-death purchases. Bowerson was shot by a sniper during his second tour in Iraq - the round lodged in his scope and the goggles protected his from the shrapnel that struck his face. The D.O.D. would not reimburse him for his purchases.

David Chu, undersecretary of defense for personnel for the D.O.D. responded, "Technically his dad bought him the scope, so that expense is not reimbursable, and since the goggles are no longer usable in the war effort, we cannot reimburse him for those either."

"Your expectation is that when you are sent to war, our government will do everything they can to protect the lives of our people, and anything less than that is not good enough," said a former Marine who spent nearly $1,000 to be lower-body armor for his son. "I wouldn't have cared if it cost me $10,000 to protect my son, I would do it. But I think the U.S. has an obligation to make sure they have this equipment and to reimburse for it. You go to war prepared, and you don't go to war until you are prepared."

Chu said, "Whoa! $10,000? Let's not get carried away here, that is way above the reimbursement limit. Instead of buying the $10,000 body armor that protects your son from 98% of the rounds shot at him, how about buying the $500 body armor that protects him from 45% of the rounds shot at him?"

One U.S. Senator said Thursday he would try to force the Pentagon to obey the reimbursement law it has opposed from the outset and failed to comply with. "I would like to do it sooner than Thursday," said the Senator, "but I will be in the Hamptons with my mistress and simply cannot get it done before then."

Donald Rumsfeld said, "The reimbursement idea sets an unmanageable precedent that will saddle the D.O.D. with an open-ended financial burden. After giving most of the money earmarked for the war in Iraq to Halliburton executives, we simply do not have the funds to give a soldier $1,100 so he can buy equipment that will save his life."

"Rumsfeld is violating the law," said Senator Dodd (D-Conn.). "The law has been sitting on the books for over a year, but how do you make the D.O.D. do something they don't want to do - they have all the guns and stuff."

Rumsfeld replied, "Ha ha! Good one, Dodd. I can assure you that, right now, the D.O.D. has plans to sponsor school bake sales and children's lemonade stands across this great nation of ours to try and get more money into the hands of the true heroes of this war - Halliburton...no wait!... I mean the troops. And don't forget, citizens are buying one, two, and sometimes three or more of those little yellow 'support our troops' automobile magnets to show their financial support for the war effort. A percentage of the money from those magnet sales goes toward equipment for our troops."

"What? It doesn't? Are you sure?"

"Well, at least the money from the magnet sales is going to help American manufacturers keep this great nation's economy going during the war."

"Huh? They're manufactured in China and Vietnam?"

"Well at least our soldiers over in Iraq will get warm feelings of support when they see all those 'support our troops' magnets on the backs of cars in the pictures their families send to them."

Senator Dodd said he wants to eliminate the deadline included in the original law, which allowed soldiers to seek reimbursement for items only if bought between September 2001 and July 2004. "I believe that the new soldiers over there - the ones sent after July of 2004 - should be given a chance to survive the war as well. In fact, maybe instead of making America's sons and daughters buy their own equipment to fight this war we should provide them with the necessary equipment before they ship to Iraq!"

Senator Dodd continued, "Maybe it shouldn't just be the soldiers from middle-class America, whose families can provide medical supplies and body armor by putting those purchases on credit cards - going deeper and deeper into debt for their childrens' lives, that get properly equipped. Maybe even soldiers from poor families, families that cannot afford to help their sons and daughters buy lifesaving gear, should be properly equipped for the war in Iraq."

"Easy there Dodd," replied Rumsfeld. "I may be able to talk Halliburton into allowing the United States to reimburse soldiers a couple of hundred bucks, but this 'giving them the necessary equipment' thing? I doubt Halliburton will go for that."

❄

New Scientific Study: Breathe Air And Die
by Bob

ATLANTA GA - According to a study released by the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, 100% of the people who breathe the earth's air die.

"It's an amazing revelation," said lead researcher Dr. Steven Greene MD PhD. "The results completely took us by surprise - they quite simply blew us away. We ran a double-blind, placebo-controlled, randomized test and ended up with a mortality rate of 100%. In fact, we found air to be so lethal that even most of the researchers directing the study succumbed to its ravages."

The study contradicts the view that breathing air is a healthy thing for humans to do.

Dr. Greene explained, "Up until now it was widely believed that breathing supplied the body with oxygen - which powers the body, and removed carbon dioxide - which is the toxic byproduct of that energy. However, we now realize that breathing just kills us."

The study looked into many different kinds of breathing - deep, shallow, diaphragmatic, Zen and tantric - and found that all known types of breathing lead to death.

"We focused much of our time and attention on tantric breathing and its different applications," said Dr. Greene.

The study also took into account assertions of "rising from the dead" and immortality.

"We found that although Lazarus and Jesus may have risen from the dead, they did, in fact, die first. And for immortality, we were initially excited by supporting evidence from the movie Highlander until we started watching the second movie in the series and discovered that Connor and the other immortals came from a different planet. While evidence for alien life on earth is interesting, it did nothing to further the aims of our study."

Dr. Greene went on to state that if you have started breathing, it is already too late. "There is no way to not die once you have started breathing. To breathe is to die."

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Kansas Schools To Teach Intelligent Numbers
by Sandhya Kunavarasaji

KANSAS CITY, KS - With many Christian Organizations feeling optimistic about a victory in the Intelligent Design case currently underway in Pennsylvania federal court, some groups have started introducing other faith-based reasoning into other areas of the school curriculum.

"We are proud to announce that public schools in Kansas have, for the past week, been teaching Intelligent Numbers," said Mark Rettler, spokesman for Christian Reasoning and Posits, the organization that created the concept of Intelligent Numbers.

"You see," said Mr. Rettler, "numbers are far too complex to have occurred naturally - I know I never understood what my math teachers were trying to explain to me - so there must be an Intelligent Numberer out there who created them."

"Exactly," said Ervin Young, Supreme Director of Pius Individuals for Theological Learning and Undeniable Science. "Just as nature reflects an Intelligent Designer, numbers reflect an Intelligent Numberer. Take, for instance, 1+1=2. The answer is always '2'. That's amazing! That kind of perfection could not exist without an Intelligent Numberer. The Pythagorean Theorem? Way to coincidental and perfect without the backing of an Intelligent Numberer. Pi? A reflection of the infinite intelligence of the Intelligent Numberer. Sin? Cosine? Tangent? Well, not even Intelligent Numbers can explain those mathematical concepts - we suspect that 'mathematicians' just made them up. Not to mention the way 'sin' is spelled"

Dr. Thaddeus Maxwell, Professor of Difficult Mathematics and Other Really Hard Things at M.I.T. replied, "While it's true that..."

"You see!" said Mr. Young. "M.I.T. agrees with us!"

Melissa Howard, the eighth grade math teacher at East Kansas City Middle School is happy to be teaching Intelligent Numbers to her class of 23 students.

"Oh yeah," said Ms. Howard. "Last year parents pressured the school board to have me start teaching algebra to my students. Algebra! In the eighth grade! I had to work real hard. It sucked. But now, with Intelligent Numbers, teaching math has become very easy. A pleasure, in fact."

"I just love it!" exclaimed Amanda Smith, a student in Ms. Howard's class. "Last year I started division, and it was really hard, and this year, with algebra, things were even worse, but now that I know numbers are created by the Intelligent Numberer above and I can put that little fish symbol as the answer on every math test I have - It's great!"

Mark Robins, another eighth grader at East Kansas City Middle School said, "Yeah, last year science was hard, but it got real easy after I learned about Intelligent Design. And this year, math was hard, but it got real easy after I learned about Intelligent Numbers. I'm hoping next year, before I start high school, they discover Intelligent Grammar - I can never remember the difference between adjectives and adverbs.

CRaP and PITY US are, in fact, working on a new concept - Intelligent History.

Mr. Rettler said, "We hope, that by this time next year, Kansas schools will be teaching Intelligent History to all of its students. Intelligent History will teach the history of humanity as it really happened - according to the Bible."

Mr. Young continued, "We intend to wrap Intelligent Design, Intelligent Numbers and Intelligent History into an exciting, new, complete school curriculum where it is the only thing students will have to learn. We call this new curriculum Intelligent Intelligence. When communities use the Intelligent Intelligence curriculum, they will save well over 99% - or, as we like to say, 'little fish symbol' - on their education expenses because students will only have to stay in school for one year."

"That's right," concluded Mr. Rettler. "Intelligent Intelligence is also very patriotic. With kids in school for only one year, they will be able to get into the workforce much sooner than they can now. This will be a big boost to America's economy. Just think of it - families with four, five, and even more children all earning full-time wages. Intelligent Intelligence is good for education, good for your family, and good for America. Amen."

❄

Bowling for America
by Jimmy the Pirate

WASHINGTON D.C. - The U.S. Center for Disease Control released a study earlier today warning that depressed, obese, drinking gun owners who smoke and do hard drugs while exposed to the Asian Bird Flu and Mad Cow Disease after working too hard at jobs they don't like without getting enough sleep are more likely to die prematurely than people who go bowling once a week.

"We are very alarmed," said Dr. Linda Greer, lead researcher on the Completely Screwed Americans and the Efficacy of Weekly Bowling study. "Yet we are also very optimistic about the whole bowling thing."

According to the study a person could pop a Paxil and follow it up with a bourbon chaser while eating an entire bag of Doritos and chain smoking Marlboros while a heroin needle dangles from the arm that's holding the .357 Magnum they are cleaning in front of an infected cow and disease-ridden chicken after pulling a double-shift at their crappy job and sleeping only 5 of the last 72 hours without any ill effects as long as they take the time to bowl once a week.

"But if you neglect to bowl," warned Dr. Greer, "you could be in a world of hurt."

The Bush administration, reacting quickly to the CDC's report introduced a new $47 Billion initiative, named No Bowler Left Behind, that will be put to the vote in Congress later this week. The plan proposes a one-time insertion of three distinct remedies - a Two-fer Tuesday coupon, a Buy 10 Games Get 1 Free punch card, and a $.35 Off Your Next Game voucher - into every American city's Sunday newspaper advertisement section within the next five years.

In a rare public appearance, President Bush stated, "We need a stronger America, a better America, an America that holds true to its dearly held family values. All of you sad, fat, drunk, overworked, underpaid, tired gun nuts who toke and shoot up around bad beef and chicken need to give something back to this great country of ours. Y'all need to go bowling."

❄

Ancient Self-Help Book Found
by A. Person

HU CHU PROVINCE, CHINA - An ancient scroll has been discovered in a cave in eastern Hu Chu province, China. The translated text, titled "Good Love, Good Sex, Good Job, Good God", is thought to have been written by Brother Tai Wan-on who is widely believed to be the world's first self-help guru.

Brother Tai Wan-on, leader of the "Hey! Higher Power! We're Over Here! Remember Us? Hey!" religious sect, was persecuted, and eventually killed, by the government for distributing copies of "Good Love, Good Sex, Good Job, Good God", which promoted the concept of the 18 "'Uns".

The 6 Bad 'Uns: 1. Being poor. 2. No, really. 3. It sucks. 4. You don't believe me? 5. Go ahead, try it. 6. See? I told you so.

The 6 Good 'Uns: 1. Money. 2. Power. 3. Sex. 4. Come on! 5. You only get one shot at life! 6. Live it up!

The 6 Other 'Uns: 1 Most of life just happens. 2. Whether you want it to or not. 3. So don't worry about it so much. 4. Even the parts about money, power and sex. 5. Which is, admittedly, most of it. 6. Relax!

As nobody is really interested in the rediscovered scroll, a freshman intern from UCLA working on the dig in Hu Chu province will put it up for auction on eBay.

❄

Syrian Leader: WTF U.S.?
by Al-No-Ham-Ne-Supot Jones

DAMASCUS, SYRIA - "We should re-evaluate what's going on in Iraq," Syrian president Bashar Al-Assad told CNN. "What did we achieve, what did they achieve from the war in Iraq. It's a very simple question. What did they achieve economically, politically, fighting terrorism."

American president George Bush responded, "Economically, Halliburton has received tens of billions of dollars in profit. Politically, I got reelected. That's the dream America is realizing in Iraq."

Al-Assad's regime has received sharp criticism from the United States, which has alleged the country shelters terrorist organizations and has failed to take measures to prevent fighters from crossing the border into Iraq.

In a speech on terrorism last week, Bush said, "The influence of Christian radicalism is also magnified by helpers and enablers. They have been sheltered by authoritarian regimes: allies of convenience like myself and...oh...wait...heh heh...my bad, sorry, wrong speech. The influence of Islamic radicalism is also magnified by helpers and enablers. They have been sheltered by authoritarian regimes: allies of convenience like Syria and Iran that share the goal of hurting America and moderate Muslim governments and use terrorist propaganda to blame their own failures on the West and America and on the Jews."

A U.N. investigation is trying to determine if Syria played a role in the February 14 bombing that killed Hariri. He had opposed Syria's decades-long presence in Lebanon, and his death sparked protests that led to Syria's withdrawal in April.

"Syria was not involved with Hariri's death, " Al-Assad said. "It was impossible for me to have ordered it."

"Come on," Bush replied "Impossible? Don't you mean that other one? Inoperable? No, interpretational? Wait! Celebrational? You know, that one that means it could not have happened."

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BUSH: THE WAR IS NOT LOST
by Jimmy the Pirate

WASHINGTON D.C. -"I know exactly where the war is," Bush stated in his televised appearance on Sunday night. "It's in Iraq. Duh."

Bush continued, "We thought we had lost the war for awhile, I mean, we couldn't find anybody to fight over there, but then we started shooting at some 'civilians' and we found the war again."

The president told the nation Sunday night that Iraq's elections signaled the birth of democracy in the Middle East and argued against a U.S. troop pullout. Some observers thought he took the "birth" and "pulling out" metaphors too far.

"Iraq is like a woman in the throes of a years long labor of democracy," Bush stated. "We are giving her all the epidurals we can to ease the birthing pains but it is still a long, hard process. But rest assured, we will cut the umbilical cord of freedom for her and will give cigars to all of the coalition of the willing."

When asked about an early pull out, Bush finished with this, "Iraq is also like a woman in the throes of passion, and they sure do hate it when we pull out early...hey? Hey? Wink wink. Nudge nudge. Say no more."

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Bush: Secret wiretaps have disrupted potential attacks
by Guy McSandersFellowsonchild

WASHINGTON D.C. - President Bush defended a secretive program that eavesdrops on some international phone calls involving U.S. citizens, saying the United States must be "quick to detect and prevent" possible near-term terrorist attacks.

"We know that a two-minute phone conversation between somebody linked to al Qaeda here and an operative overseas could lead directly to the loss of thousands of lives," Bush said. "To save American lives, we must be able to act fast and to detect these conversations so we can prevent new attacks. It has been effective in disrupting the enemy while safeguarding our civil liberties,"

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who appeared on several network morning shows, said technological advances used by terrorists made it necessary to conduct the surveillance without a court order.

"But technological advances work for them as well as against them," continued Gonzales. "For instance, to disrupt their communications, we can make that annoying 'wha wha wha' busy signal in the middle of their conversation. In fact, because of the plethora of ring tones available online, we can pretty much play any annoying sound we want to disrupt their conversations. One particularly effective ring tone has been Vanilla Ice's 'Ice Ice Baby' - the terrorists really don't like that one."

"Heh heh," Bush said. "That one's my favorite."

"Sure," Gonzales continued, "the RIAA isn't happy with us right now. We are currently downloading these ring tones illegally from the internet, but we are in negotiations to settle with them for $2.3 Billion with the option to buy all future ring tones through them for $99.99 per ring tone. Of course, Halliburton has been a key middleman in the negotiations and will continue to facilitate the United States' purchase of ring tone technology to defend America against the terrorist threat."

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Bush and Rumsfeld - Whoopsee Daisy
by Angélíná

WASHINGTON D.C. - In the Spring of 2003 President Bush told the crew of the USS Abraham Lincoln that the conflict in Iraq had ended and gave a speech in front of a "Mission Accomplished" banner. This past Monday Bush stated, "not only can we win the war in Iraq, we are winning the war in Iraq." Then, at a press conference, Rumsfeld told reporters that catching Osama bin Laden was still a priority. Finally, later the same day, Rumsfeld stated he thought Osama might still be alive.

Seem a little backwards? White House analyst David Greer explains.

"It's really quite simple. You see, what must have happened is what we in the business call a 'whoopsee daisy', that is to say when the overall plan on terrorism was presented to our Commander-in-Chief and the Secretary of Defense they must have been reading the plan upside down."

"The obvious correct order of things is to verify that Osama is alive and catch him for what he did on 9/11 and then attack Iraq for whatever the reason was and then say we are winning the war in Iraq and then say we won the war in Iraq.

"Because they read it upside down, they got it backwards."

"Simple mistake, really."

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Olympic Committee: Late Bribe Could've Tipped Tables
by Jimmy the Pirate

LONDON, UK - A senior Olympic official says a misplaced vote might have helped London win the 2012 Olympics. Alex Gilady said Friday a fellow International Olympic Committee member mistakenly voted for Paris rather than Madrid in July for the right to host the games. Another vote for Madrid might have stopped London from winning.

"He had apparently received a bribe from Madrid a day later than expected," Gilady stated, "so he cast the vote for Paris out of spite, but when he received the, well, truly enormous bribe the next day, he felt he should stay true to the ethos and spirit of the Olympic Games and wanted to switch his vote."

All IOC members had rehearsed the voting procedure in Singapore before the first round and had been assured by senior officials that all bribes were in.

"I'm afraid that this is the kind of tittle-tattle that happens after many an IOC vote," Craig Reedie, a British member of the IOC and the former British Olympic Association chairman, told the BBC.

"If you're looking for reasons for London's win, I suspect you should probably look at the quality of the bribing effort that went on in Singapore and the quality of the lobbying effort," he added.

Madrid Mayor Alberto Ruiz-Gallardon, who thought otherwise, said Gilady's account might bode well for any future bid by the Spanish capital.

"We're totally convinced that when Madrid bribes again we will do it promptly on time," Ruiz-Gallardon said.

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Microsoft, Google Settle Over Employee
by William Two Bears Haroldson

SEATTLE, WA - Microsoft Corp. said late Thursday it had reached a settlement with rival Google Inc. and former employee Kai-Fu Lee, ending a legal battle that had exposed behind-the-scenes rancor between the companies.

In a statement, Redmond-based Microsoft said the three parties had entered into a "private agreement that resolves all issues to their mutual satisfaction."

"Yes, the agreement is private," stated a Google spokeperson, "but since Google is committed to making all data avilable to the world, here are the details."

"Microsoft will get Lee every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and we will get Lee Thursday through Saturday. His family will get fifteen minutes of quality time with him on Sunday, and then Mr. Lee will alternate between the Microsoft and Google campuses every other week."

"Holidays were a contentious issue, but both parties are happy that Lee will be working at Microsoft every Christian holiday and at Google every Muslim and Jewish holiday."

"For a while, we didn't think we would be able to work through this with Microsoft - they're such evil bastards, but after they found out we bought our own 747 they started to respect us a little more and we were able to work out the deal outlined above."

❄

Cheney Shoots Man
by Jimmy the Pirate

LUBBOCK, TX - Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a companion during a weekend quail hunting trip in Texas, spraying the fellow hunter in the face and chest with shotgun pellets.

"I almost had another heart attack I was so surprised it wasn't a giant orange quail!" Cheney was heard saying aboard Air Force One later in the day.

Whitehouse spokesperson Johnathon Mckinley clarified the VP's statements, "Whenever Vice President Cheney goes hunting the Secret Service spray paint all of the game bright orange so they are easier to see and shoot."

According to Mckinley, Whittington - the man who was hit - shot a bird and went to look for it in the tall grass, while Cheney and another hunter walked to another spot and discovered a second covey.

Whittington “came up from behind the vice president and the other hunter and didn’t signal them or indicate to them or announce himself,” he said. "And apparently the sound of Whittington shooting his quail did not alert the VP and the other hunter to his presence."

“The vice president didn’t see him,” he continued. “The covey flushed and the vice president picked out a bird and was following it and shot. And by God, Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good.”

“It broke the skin,” he said of the shotgun pellets. “It knocked him silly. But he was fine. He was talking. His eyes were open. It didn’t get in his eyes or anything like that.”

“This is something that happens from time to time. You now, The VP has hit me a few times - I’ve been peppered pretty well myself,” Mckinley said. "It's all just in good fun."

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212 face Katrina fraud charges
by Angélíná

NEW ORLEANS, LA - The Justice Department said Monday that federal prosecutors have filed fraud, theft and other charges against 212 people accused of scams related to Gulf Coast hurricanes. Forty people have pleaded guilty so far, the latest report by the Hurricane Katrina Fraud Task Force said.

In a statement released earlier today the DOJ said, "We are working with these 212 people, working with them very closely, and if they tell us how they were actually able to get money out of the bureaucratic quagmire that is the federal government's hurricane relief effort we are completely willing to drop the charges."

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Enron Trial Underway
by Billy Bob Jimmy Joe Underwood

HOUSTON, TX - A federal judge told a group of potential jurors that their job was not to seek vengeance against Enron Corp. founder Kenneth Lay and former CEO Jeffrey Skilling in the premier criminal trial to emerge from the biggest corporate scandal in recent years.

"We are not looking for people who want to right a wrong or provide remedies for those who suffered from the collapse of Enron," U.S. District Judge Sim Lake said.

When the judge asked if any jurors "view this as an opportunity to strike a blow for justice," no one raised a hand.

The judge continued, "Good, there is no justice to be found here."

Lay and Skilling arrived at the federal courthouse in Houston, looking relaxed and ready. "We're looking forward to it. We're ready," said Daniel Petrocelli, Skilling's lead trial lawyer. Skilling declined comment, as did Lay, who simply said, "Fine, how are you?" when a reporter asked how he felt.

The reporter replied he had been feeling a bit under the weather, perhaps from a bug he had caught with his coworker with whom he was having an affair, but besides that he was fine and thanks for asking.

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Bush: 'Godfather' Says Open Ports to U.A.E.
by Günther von Straussen

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a press conference held earlier today President Bush gave a detailed explanation of why he supports the U.A.E.'s involvement in U.S. ports.

"I watched the movie The Godfather a few weeks ago," the president said, "and in it, some guy says 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer.' Well, you see, someone told me America is physically really far away from the U.A.E., so, I got to thinking, if the U.A.E. is our friend, we should let them run our ports because having good friends close by is a good thing and if we have any terrorism we can call on them for help. If the U.A.E. is our enemy then we should bring a bunch of their guys over here to run our ports so we can keep a really close eye on them, and, if they start some terrorism, instead of sending the Army halfway across the world to bring them to justice we can just send over the local port authority in a couple of squad cars."

"So all you people who are happy to have them as friends - don't worry! Having them here is a good thing! And to all you people who think they are enemies - don't worry! Having them here is a good thing!

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South Dakota lawmakers OK ban on most abortions
by Hans Grüber Christensen Anders

PIERRE, SD - South Dakota lawmakers approved a ban on nearly all abortions Friday and Gov. Mike Rounds said he was inclined to sign the bill. "Nearly all abortion is wrong, nearly every life is precious, and nearly every baby is worth saving," said the governor.

Rounds continued, "Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go over one of the last appeals from one of our state's death row inmates."

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Man Sells Holy Hardware on eBay
by Jimmy the Priate

MANCHESTER, CT - Thomas Haley was unloading supplies for his job at Hardy's Hardware when he said something odd caught his eye: the face of Jesus Christ on a piece of sheet metal. Now, Haley and a co-worker are hawking the holy hardware on eBay, hoping potential bidders will agree that the blurry oil stain on the sheet metal does, indeed, resemble Jesus.

"I mean, it hasn't done anything miraculous as of yet, but seeing it is kind of groovy," said Haley, 23. "Just seeing it brightens people's day."

Haley said that whatever money is raised will be split between him, Jackson, another worker, and two customers. But he's still a little ambivalent about the sale.

“I feel kind of bad just pawning off Christ,” Haley said.

He continued, “But Christ was a giver – a water into wine, loaves of fish, dying for our sins kinda guy, so I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me making a few bucks off him. Christ would want me to sell this.”

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Bush: Outsourcing painful, but remedy is worse
by Sandhya Kunavarasaji

NEW DELHI, INDIA - Praising India's expanding economy, President Bush warned Friday that fears about job outsourcing to other nations should not prompt the United States to limit global trade.

"It's ... important to remember that when someone loses a job it's an incredibly difficult period for the worker and their families," Bush said in a speech in New Delhi.

“For instance,” Bush continued, “when my dad lost his job to Clinton – that sucked.”

"It's true that some Americans have lost jobs when their companies move their operations overseas," he said.

"Some people believe the answer to this problem is to wall off our economy from the world through protectionist policies. I strongly disagree.”

"The United States will not give into the protectionists and lose these opportunities," Bush said.

Bush continued, “The opportunity for, um, Americans to continue losing their jobs.”

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RIAA Sues Pope/Pope Excommunicates RIAA
by Jimmy the Pirate

VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict XVI got an iPod on Friday, thanks to a group of workers at Vatican Radio.

According to a Catholic News Service story, the pontiff got a 2GB white Nano, loaded with, among other things, the radio station's programming in English, Italian and German, as well as classical tunes from Mozart, Chopin and Stravinsky.

The Recording Industry Association of America has sued the pontiff for purloining the classical music.

RIAA spokesperson Kitty McDaniels released a statement earlier today, "We continue to see the lawsuits as one component of an effort to educate people about copyright infringement and the unauthorized, illegal download and file sharing of music. What better way to get this point across than to sue the holiest, most religiously moral man on the planet for this evil and heinous digital atrocity?"

Ms. McDaniels continued, "The papacy has a long history of immoral behavior - from the crusades to the holocaust - but these are modern times, and his holiness has to learn that the catholic church may have been able to get away with war and genocide but they will not be able to get away with stealing three CDs worth of classical music."

In response to the RIAA's lawsuit the pope has excommunicated the RIAA.

Papal spokesman, Bishop Imbawe Tonaqua, said, "The RIAA has been harassing people with frivolous lawsuits for years and the balance of copyright law has tipped too far toward the entertainment companies' interests, hampering consumers' rights to use digital media. Trading music with friends is covered by fair use. His holiness is very close friends with the gentleman at the radio station."

Bishop Tonaqua continued, "By excommunicating the RIAA, his holiness has done something that hundreds of millions of people across the world have been wanting to do for years - take the hope of eternal salvation away from them, ensuring an eternity of agony in the fiery, brimstone-lined circles of hell."

It remains to be seen which side God will support.

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Christian Scientist Pharmacist Sues Walgreens
by Biff

HARTFORD, ND - Jonathon Frinzi, a Christian Scientist, filed a lawsuit against his former employer, Walgreens, on Thursday for $35 million.

"It's illegal termination, pure and simple," said Bill Hotchkins, Frinzi's attorney. "Four states have passed what are called 'pharmacist conscience clauses' which allow pharmacists to refuse to fill prescriptions for contraceptives based on religious, moral or ethical reasons. Mr. Frinzi believes it is wrong, based upon his religious beliefs, to treat any illness with medicine so he refused to fulfill their prescriptions. And Walgreens wants to fire him for this? Preposterous!"

At a press conference earlier today Frinzi said, "I am a Christian Scientist first and a pharmacist second. There is nothing I won't do to help those who are ill except that which my God forbids...which just happens to be giving them help."

Walgreens could not be reached for comment.

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Bush: U.S. willing to strike first
by Guy McSandersFellowsonchild

WASHINGTON D.C. - The rest of the world: No shit.

Undaunted by the difficult war in Iraq, President Bush reaffirmed his strike-first policy against terrorists and enemy nations on Thursday and said Iran may pose the biggest challenge for America.

In a 49-page national security report, the president said diplomacy is the U.S. preference in halting the spread of nuclear and other heinous weapons.

“The president believes that we must remember the clearest lesson of Sept. 11: that the United States of America must confront threats before they fully materialize,” national security adviser Stephen Hadley said.

“The president’s strategy affirms that the doctrine of preemption remains sound and must remain an integral part of our national security strategy,” Hadley said. “If necessary, the strategy states, under longstanding principles of self defense, we do not rule out the use of force before attacks occur, even if uncertainty remains as to the time and place of the enemy’s attack.”

Bush also had tough words for North Korea, which he said poses a serious nuclear proliferation challenge, counterfeits U.S. currency, traffics in narcotics, threatens its neighbors and starves its people.

Bush then issued rebukes to Russia and China and called Syria a tyranny that harbors terrorists and sponsors terrorist activity.

The president continued, "You know, frankly, the whole world pisses me off."

caveat lector