bakiwop for president in '04 (because there's no election in '05)
bakiwop: kissing babies - and your butt - for the presidency
bakiwop...walking for president because running is too much damn work
bakiwop...Running for president so you don't have to
bakiwop for pesident...come on, pretty please?
vote for the guy who'll give ya free stuff...vote bakiwop
vote bakiwop or don't vote at all!
vote for bakiwop you stupid idiot!
a vote for bakiwop is a vote for bakiwop
❄
bakiwop On The Issues
I am strongly in support of issues.
I promise universal healthcare coverage for every American citizen who is willing to pay for it themselves.
Education: No Child Left Behind is not enough! I introduce All Children Pushed Forward.
Jobs good. No jobs bad.
I am absolutely pro-marriage, and to uphold this wonderful union am fully prepared to legalize prostitution for those times of stress when couples aren't happy but they still need to get some.
I am positively maybe definitely possibly for legalization of gay marriage.
I support the war on drugs, not because it is doing anything to stop drug use, but because it employs hundreds of thousands of American citizens and it would suck if they lost their jobs.
I fully support the Star Wars initiative, but only the original trilogy, Episodes I and II weren't all that great.
War with Iraq is not enough. We need to ramp up our war effort with the entire world in order to save our economy. It worked in WWI and WWII so I promise, as your president, to push WWIII through congress to kick-start the economy that our Democratic and Republican presidents have ruined with devastating deficits and enormous and egregious overspending.
The Domo Aregato Mr. Roboto plan. I promise to outsource every single American job I can. In doing this I will assign every American who cannot find a job because of outsourcing a Federal Unemployed Consumer Kickback Undersignment number which will allow them to receive the comparable US wages from the company that outsourced their position. This means someone else does the work and you get the money. Period.
I strongly support the privatization of Social Security. That way, when the private company screws up Enron-style, the Federal government can swoop in on them, acquire all of their assets, and actually afford Social Security again.
I strongly support global warming. I am from the Midwest and it gets fricking cold here in the winters.
I am against crime, unless you aren't, in which case I am for crime.
I am against big government. I promise to raise taxes and spend billions of additional dollars a year expanding and improving your government to ensure a small government for all Americans.
❄
About bakiwop
bakiwop is running on the Omniberalative OmniAmerican ticket - the only political party for all Americans, liberal and conservative. He was born in the Midwest in 1956. As a boy, he quickly discovered a dislike for chores which eventually led to a dislike for jobs, which has led him to a career in politics.
bakiwop would have fought in all of the wars he could have, only he has flat feet and asthma so no military branch would take him. He did, however, serve in the Boy Scouts of America with distinction and honor for over 10 years earning multiple merit badges as both a Cub Scout and a Boy Scout, eventually receiving the Order of the Arrow and National Eagle Scout honors. He is most proud of his 1st place victory in the Cub Scout Soap Box Derby Race of 1968.
bakiwop does not remember too much that happened to him between the celebration of his Soap Box Derby Race win and 1986, but he finally decided to leave his parents house at the age of 30 and get into the import/export business - often flying single-engine airplanes from Tijuana, Mexico to Los Angeles, CA. After 4 years running bakiwop Air, he became fabulously wealthy and went on a giant bender.
After waking from his coma in 2001, bakiwop decided to only do "soft drugs". Since making this life-changing decision, his thinking has become more lucid and he hardly ever sees little yellow men dancing inside of his soda cans anymore.
As you can see, bakiwop is a man who has "been there and done that", just like you. bakiwop is a man of the people and for the people. Just vote for the guy all ready.
Oh yeah, bakiwop never went to college but he can still pronounce the words "nuclear", "malfeasance", and "entrepreneur".
❄
Want to give me lots of money that I may or may not spend campaigning for the presidency?
Want to trade presidential consideration for sexual favors?
Want me to come lecture at your business/school/group for hundreds of thousands of dollars?
You can do all of the above and more, and it all starts by contacting me.
❄
Bush & Cheney...doesn't that sound like the names of the headliners of an S&M show?
❄
❄
Bush has always been full of it, I just had no idea he was so full of it that the gravity of it caused distortions in the fabric of reality.
❄
Welcome to the new official headquarters of bakiwop's 2004 presidential campaign. There is now a weblog and much more to coerce you into voting for me come November.
Remember, together we can make me the President of the United States while you have to keep your lousy, non-president job.
❄
George W. Bush...puppy killer. As your President, I promise to not kill any puppies.
❄
Nader to run for president as independent. Thank goodness, someone officially in the race that will get fewer votes than me.
❄
I promise that when I become President, if I introduce an amendment to the constitution it will be about preserving the rights of people or limiting the rights of the government, and not about trying to uphold the perceived sanctity of the "most fundamental institution of civilization" - which everbody knows is money, not marriage, anyway.
❄
Wal-Mart a big giver to 2004 U.S. election. In this spirit of campaign finance reform, I am now fully dislosing that Wal-Mart gave me a Widescreen, Collector's Edition version of Pirates of the Caribbean for just $17.87.
❄
Dean pleads for help to pay bills. I promise that when I rack up hundreds of thousands, né, millions of dollars in debt in my sure-to-fail bid for the preidency, I will not pay back one red cent, thus relieving the guilt of millions of American voters and stopping them from sending in their pity money. And if they do send in pity money, I still promise to not pay my creditors one red cent! That's how dedicated I am to keeping my word to my fellow Americans.
❄
It seems as though I may have more serious competition than I had originally thought: Gay Penguin.
❄
Even more competition: Yellow Dog.
❄
The mudslinging has begun... So, to honor one of our great political past-times, I begin: Bush - nincompoop, try and pronounce the word without help, you nincompoop, Cheney - rhymes with lamey, Kerry - Kerry Kerry, the derriere-y.
❄
Thank you B² for officially endorsing bakiwop because he is "strong on issues" and "taken a courageous stand against crime". Thank you Squidaction Guy for officially not endorsing bakiwop because he is "lazy answering email".
❄
bakiwop will not involve himself in these attacks on records because bakiwop himself has no record to impugn! That's right, not only can bakiwop use the word impugn correctly, but he has no record with which to be! Vote bakiwop!
❄
I am 100% absolutely totally completely without-a-doubt for sure against big government. When I am elected president I promise to raise taxes and spend billions of additional dollars a year expanding and improving your government to ensure a small government for all Americans.
❄
John Kerry Raises $10 Million in 10 Days Online.
I pledge to raise $10 million in one day, today, by playing and winning the powerball lottery. The winning numbers will be 13, 22, 34, 37, 53 and a powerball of 17.
❄
Nader says he's no threat to Democrats.
He's also no threat to Republicans, Independents, Greens, Socialists, bakiwop, and those running for their particular high school grade's presidency (or vice presidency...or secretary).
❄
Bush-Cheney '04 gear reads 'Made in Burma'
As your future president, I promise to only illegally import the good stuff like Cuban cigars and such for my own, personal, use, furthermore, I promise to have bakiwop gear imported from sanction-free countries that still use cheap, slave-labor sweatshops - all this to keep the cost of bakiwop gear down for you, my fellow consumers Americans.
❄
Kerry, Bush push economic themes
That's the problem with politicians these days - always pushing the economic themes. When I'm elected president I will push themes of sex, alcohol, and free hippie love.
❄
Kerry, Bush wrangle over Bible passage
It seems both Kerry and Bush wanted "My mouth derides my enemies, because I rejoice in my victory" (1 Samuel 2:1). No need to worry about bible wrangling from me, however, I mostly just go for that water into wine stuff.
❄
❄
Kerry camp challenges Bush to debates
Neither Kerry nor Bush have had the cajones to challenge me to a debate yet, so I hereby officially throw down the gauntlet and challenge them both to a primetime, Jell-o wrestling smack down debate.
❄
Kerry and Bush both raise more than $50 million
Vote for bakiwop, the guy who runs his campaign on the money found under the cushions in his couch (although, as many people have sat on the couch, some of it could be considered public funds).
❄
My first official act as president will be setting up a senate panel to look into the not-so-new phenomenon of what I term Auto-induced Self-Serving Enigmatic Syndrome, or ASSES, to see why so many politicians and political appointees suffer situational- and operational-specific memory loss when asked publicly about things they have done or said. The cause of ASSES may be something as simple as a bacterial infection or as difficult as Political Onset Alzheimer’s, but given the frequency and duration of ASSES in the Capitol Hill area, I believe we need to investigate this problem posthaste.
❄
(for the following link, you will most likely have to register to see the article, i apologize for this. however, in order to fight the system, use username: frigoffregistering@noway.com password: hahaha . remember my fellow americans, fight the system, at least until i become the system. )
"This is Bush's 33rd visit to his ranch since becoming president. He has spent all or part of 233 days on his Texas ranch since taking office, according to a tally by CBS News. Adding his 78 visits to Camp David and his five visits to Kennebunkport, Maine, Bush has spent all or part of 500 days in office at one of his three retreats, or more than 40 percent of his presidency."
My fellow Americans, to prove to you - my faithful electorate - that I can surpass Bush in all areas, I promise, as your president, to spend at least 50% of my presidency on vacation. But not only that! I promise to spend 15% of that 50% vacation time in other countries! There is no act too heinous, too disconcerting, too whoopee-whoopee-whoo-pow-pow that I wouldn't promise it to get elected.
❄
McCain on talk of run with Kerry: 'No, no and no'. That's because I called dibs on McCain first.
❄
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry, pressed by college students Monday to chart the different course he would follow in Iraq, said he would keep the United States in control of the military operation.
Pressed by college students? All he had to do was offer to throw a kegger right there in the lecture hall and there would have been no more "pressing" of the issues. Is Kerry the kind of guy that you want running our country - when he can't even duck the issues properly in a roomful of college students?
❄
Nader draws donations from Bush's supporters
I've got my new election strategy - I'm going to massively fund the Bush, Kerry, and Nader campaigns, and when they all take votes away from each other I will stand victorious!
❄
Two of our nation's biggest issues this election are the war in Iraq and the cost of Medicare/Medicaid. Some people wonder how we can afford hundreds of billions of dollars for the war in Iraq but not afford the proper equipment for our troops over there and not afford healthcare for our elderly over here. Others wonder why we have to foot the health bill for all these old people who won't die already.
To take care of both these major election-year issues simultaneously, I will send all the old people on Medicare/Medicaid over to Iraq without the proper equipment to fight the war on terror. As one of the biggest and most powerful voting blocks of individuals in America, card carrying members of the AARP will, of course, be exempt from this mandate
❄
Cheney Says Kerry a Threat to Gun Owners. Gun owners looked perplexed by Cheney statement stating, "But we're the ones with the loaded guns."
❄
Social Security forecast due Monday - bakiwop predicts a 95% chance of thunderstorms, damaging winds and hail and 100% chance of social security not being there when you retire unless you elect me and follow my social security plan:
I strongly support the privatization of Social Security. That way, when the private company screws up Enron-style, the Federal government can swoop in on them, acquire all of their assets, and actually afford Social Security again.
❄
I have now received enough in campaign donations to go live life on a secluded island with lots of frothy drinks in hand. So, before I go live the life of luxurious laziness, let me leave you with this thought come November:
You can vote for the rich white Yalie who inherited his money, married into more money, was a Skull & Bones member, wants to increase the tax burden for most by decreasing the tax burden for some, wants to promote education for all kids without funding it, wants to increase Medicare/Medicaid benefits to senior citizens without properly funding it, wants to secure social security benefits for future generations without funding it, and wants to stop people marrying each other when they love each other or you can vote for the other rich white Yalie who inherited his money, married into more money, was a Skull & Bones member, wants to increase the tax burden for most by decreasing the tax burden for some, wants to promote education for all kids without funding it, wants to increase Medicare/Medicaid benefits to senior citizens without properly funding it, wants to secure social security benefits for future generations without funding it, and wants to stop people marrying each other when they love each other.
Or you can vote for bakiwop.
caveat lector