What is The Rutabaga?
The Rutabaga is a weekly, satirical publication blah blah blah. New issues will be published on Mondays.

Why "The Rutabaga"?
Because The Onion was already taken. I was going to name it theonionlikesubstance.com, or cheapripoffofsatirewire.com but those URLs were too long and I couldn't seem to make those titles work in the header. So, given that small, oblong food seems to have a pretty respectable humor-history, I thought I'd go with The Rutabaga.

Yeah, but why "rutabaga"?
<heart-warming, childhood story>
When my sister was young, she and my father made up a story about this little planet called Rutabaga. The people on the planet were called Rutabagans. My sister and father made up lots of fun stories about them and I enjoyed those stories very much, so I thought I would use the name rutabaga to share some of my funny stories.
</heart-warming, childhood story>

Some quotes about The Rutabaga
"Never heard of it." - critic, New York Times

"Don't you mean The Onion? - critic, LA Times

"Isn't the rutabaga a vegetable that produces a large, yellow-ish root?" - critic, Chicago Sun-Times

"Stop calling to ask if I'll review your site!" - critic, Washington Post

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President Bush: The Cost Of The War Against Terrorism May Be Costly, But A Costlier Cost Of Cost Costs Even More Costliness In Cost Considerations If No War Fought Against Terrorism At All

This was going to be a great Rutabaga article, I thought the title was neat-o and I had all these spiffy plans for it. Really. I promise.

Not only was I going to use cost-related phrases like "cost/benefit analysis", "cost efficient", "cost cutting", "cost of living", "the cost of freedom is eternal vigilance" (okay, so the actual phrase uses 'price', not 'cost'), and others, but I was going use whole cost-related sentences like "Cost doesn't come into it.", "I think the cost is more in not doing anything.", and "We are determined, no matter what the cost, to do everything we possibly can to stamp out terrorism."

It was all going to be very witty, intelligent, funny, and many other positive adjectives.

But in the middle of writing the article, the word "cost" lost all meaning to me. The word started sounding strange and exotic; it began sounding like the Latin word meaning "that period in a battle when you realize those damn barbarian hordes are overwhelming your supposedly superior Roman forces and damnit I also just stepped in horse poo".

So, what I want you to do is re-read the title and come up with your own super great wonderful exciting stupendous outstanding really amazing story because I have a headache and need to lie down for a while.

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Top U.S. Companies Look To Shift America Overseas

In a trend that has been steadily gaining momentum over the last decade, many U.S. companies have been transferring blue and white collar jobs overseas " saving hundreds of millions of dollars in payroll expenses and driving the profit margins of U.S. companies through the roof. Now, industry analysts say, companies have hit the nail on the head with their proposal to move the country of the United States of America overseas.

"It's the next logical step," said IBM CEO Keith Richardson. "Everything is cheaper overseas. Imagine what my money could buy if America were in Taiwan, or one of those Koreas " I forget, which one is communist again?"

In what has been called, by this newspaper, one of the largest lobbying efforts by big business in recent decades " lobbyists have been taking senators and congressmen on "fact finding" missions to every exotic port in the world, flying them first-class in private jets and putting them up in five-star hotels, increasing campaign contributions to Democrat and Republican parties ten-fold, and, according to one watchdog group, actually kissing the buttocks of at least three senators " all in an attempt to garner favor for this new proposal.

Details of the proposal have not been released yet, but sources close to wherever they are close to have said that moving America overseas may actually involve physically picking up parts of America and moving them somewhere else.

"Well of course," said Ronnie Woodman, Microsoft CFO. "We still want some parts of America - like our purple mountain majesties, amber waves of grain, and fruited plains. Purple mountain majesties allow for wonderfully lucrative ski resorts, and grain and fruits can be exported all over the world."

"And the best part is, labor in the new America will be so cheap, we won't have to rely on heavy machinery to make the move. All we'll have to do is hire a couple million new Americans, pay them a couple of pennies a week salary, making sure they are classified as ‘exempt' employees so we don't have to pay overtime, and then load it onto their backs!" continued Woodman, drooling slightly.

Calls to government officials for their response to this new proposal went unanswered as all of them were out being wined and dined.

"I see this as a wonderful opportunity," said Coke President Mick Jaggerfield. "It's the American pioneering spirit that is behind all this. Good Americans have always looked to new horizons, set their sights on new challenges, explored new frontiers. It's what has made America great! God bless America! Don't tread on me! Life liberty and the pursuit of happiness! America rules! Money! Money! Money!"

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Bush Mispronounces, But Gets Prostitution And Gambling Correct

President Bush visited Las Vegas earlier this week, which marked the first time the President has visited the Silver State in an official capacity.

In his presidential address, Bush repeatedly pronounced Nevada, Ne-vah-da, until a reporter covering the speech yelled, "The middle syllable should rhyme with the 'a' in gambling." Once an aide explained to the President what a syllable was and helped him count to two, the President interrupted his set speech with a story.

"Ah yes," the President said, "I remember gambling fondly."

"You know," he continued, "this really isn't my first visit to this state. Back in my National Guard days, I often came up here for the gambling and the prostitution."

"Yes," the President went on with a far-off look in his eye, a small smile playing on his lips, "the gambling and the prostitution were nice - oh so very nice - but I found that while I often came for the gambling and prostitution, I stayed for the drug use. Nevada, my fellow Americans, holds a place near and dear to my heart. That is why I am here today..."

President Bush then continued on with his prepared speech, pronouncing Nevada correctly for the remainder of his visit.

caveat lector