What is The Rutabaga?
The Rutabaga is a weekly, satirical publication blah blah blah. New issues will be published on Mondays.
Why "The Rutabaga"?
Because The Onion was already taken. I was going to name it theonionlikesubstance.com, or cheapripoffofsatirewire.com but those URLs were too long and I couldn't seem to make those titles work in the header. So, given that small, oblong food seems to have a pretty respectable humor-history, I thought I'd go with The Rutabaga.
Yeah, but why "rutabaga"?
<heart-warming, childhood story>
When my sister was young, she and my father made up a story about this little planet called Rutabaga. The people on the planet were called Rutabagans. My sister and father made up lots of fun stories about them and I enjoyed those stories very much, so I thought I would use the name rutabaga to share some of my funny stories.
</heart-warming, childhood story>
Some quotes about The Rutabaga
"Never heard of it." - critic, New York Times
"Don't you mean The Onion? - critic, LA Times
"Isn't the rutabaga a vegetable that produces a large, yellow-ish root?" - critic, Chicago Sun-Times
"Stop calling to ask if I'll review your site!" - critic, Washington Post
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Man gets beat up by altoids. "Whew," says man. "Those mints really are strong!"
Cow actually jumps over moon. Moon surprised.
Man says he likes it when dogs sniff his privates.
Third world countries wonder why they always come in third.
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Special: Microsoft/DOJ Antitrust Settlement
What exactly were the terms of the agreement between the government and Microsoft?
Microsoft agrees to:
The government agrees to:
Notable Quotes:
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Man Sues Domino's After Opening Door And Finding No One There
A Minneapolis man filed suit against Domino's Pizza yesterday in what is believed to be the first of many possible lawsuits against the Domino's Pizza franchise.
Edward Garfield, 28, had just finished watching his favorite show, Felicity, when he saw a commercial for Domino's Pizza. "I was kind of hungry," Garfield said, "and all of the sudden this commercial for Domino's came on. At the end of the commercial, they said, 'Get the door. It's Domino's.'. So I went to the front door and opened it, but nobody was there."
Garfield then checked the back door, the side door, and the door leading to the garage of his two-bedroom home on the near north side of Minneapolis. "I was devastated," Garfield said. "I was so hungry, but there was no Domino's Pizza delivery person. I just broke down and cried."
Garfield's lawyer, Timothy Hucksler, told us that Garfield is suing for criminal negligence, emotional distress, emotional abandonment, and false advertising. "This is a man," Hucksler stated at a press conference earlier this afternoon, "that was tricked into wanting a Domino's pizza. Sure, he was hungry before the commercial aired, but the commercial promised that Domino's Pizza was right outside the door, waiting to serve him. When he needed Domino's Pizza most, they weren't there for him. They will pay for that. They will pay dearly."
Since that fateful October day, Garfield states he has lost faith and trust in those things he once held most dear. "I even broke up with my girlfriend. I mean, if I can't trust the word of a multi-billion dollar, multi-national conglomerate, whom can I trust?"
Domino's Pizza could not be reached for comment.
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Woman wonders where uterus went.
Man sits through boring 3 hour college class - slips into coma.
Private Investigator, Lorna Headling, finds nothing. Absolutely nothing. "I'm not very good," she admits.
Second world countries wonder just what the heck a second world country is.
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Turkey Says, "What The Fuck?"
When told that Thanksgiving Day was on November 22 this year, a turkey got all flustered. "What the fuck?" he said. "I always thought Thanksgiving was on the last Thursday of November, you mean to tell me it is on the fourth Thursday of November? Shit! Run for your lives my Meleagrididae Galliformes friends! Run!
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Sgt. Pepper, missing his family while he is off fighting in Afghanistan, starts lonely hearts club band.
Brazilian woman wonders, "Do I speak Spanish or Portuguese?"
Aliens land in Mississippi trailer park, but leave after being offered a lite beer. "We wanted Guinness," they say.
First world countries know they are the best and have the Prada bags and Bvlgari watches to prove it.
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Police Say Possession, Man Says Consumption
Two Hollywood men were arrested for possession with intent to sell late Sunday night. The police officer had initially pulled over Fred Lawson and Craig Hammersley for speeding, but when he started talking to the two men, he smelled marijuana in the car. A search of the vehicle revealed just over 5 kilos of marijuana. When told that he was being arrested for possession with intent to sell, Mr. Lawson said, "Possession my ass! It was consumption, pure and simple."
Man Talks With Fake British Accent
A London man is reputed to talk with a fake British accent. "It's really annoying," said a coworker. "He says he does it because he wants to sound superior and knowledgeable. He says the British accent gives him class. We haven't been able to figure out why he uses a fake British accent though, I mean, he's actually British, why fake it? To tell the truth, he's always been a bit of a wanker."
Actually...
Theresa Matthers, a 28 year old woman from New York, actually did talk to the hand when her sister said, "Talk to the hand, leave a message at the wrist" while holding out her hand toward her sister. Ms. Matthers said she did not, however, leave a message at the wrist.
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Florida Woman Uses "Finders Keepers Losers Weepers" Defense at Trial
Jill Williams was walking down the beach one day when she saw a wallet poking up out of the sand. When she picked it up, she saw that there was more than $50,000 in it - along with five credit cards, a driver's license, and a picture of a family.
"It was great," she said. "I felt so lucky! $50,000! Plus 5 credit cards! I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world. I used the cash to buy myself a Cadillac - a pink one - and then I started charging plane tickets and clothes and extravagant dinners with the credit cards. For two weeks I was in heaven!"
But that heaven quickly turned to hell when Mark Stevens, the owner of the wallet, realized he had lost it and reported it to the police. The police tracked the credit card charges back to Ms. Williams, and Mr. Stevens filed suit against her to reclaim the money he had lost.
The two met for the first time, one month later, in the Coullee County courtroom.
"Bitch!" he said.
"Bastard!" she replied.
Ms. Williams, who chose to represent herself in the case, began the trial with her opening statement, "Finders keepers, losers weepers. Thank you for your time," she said to the jury.
Mr. Stevens, who also chose to represent himself - citing that he could no longer afford an attorney to prosecute the defendant - completely neglected to address the jury with his opening statement. Instead, he walked over to Ms. Williams' table and stated, "I'm gonna get you you mean lady!" He then put his hands to his ears and started waving them about while dancing in a circle and yelling, "Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!"
The trial lasted three days, and in the end, the jury decided that neither the defendant or the plaintiff was competent to stand trial and sentenced them both to five years of psychotherapy.
Judge Dilbert Jones had this to say, "I think the jury made a wise decision. Both Ms. Williams and Mr. Stevens were pretty loony. Thank God good judgment prevailed - maybe now they can both be given the help they so sorely need."
It was later determined that the family in Mr. Stevens' wallet was not his family - it was the one that came with the wallet.
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Copa Cabana Coma
Jeff Winters was working last Monday morning and feeling pretty glum about it.
"He just didn't seem to want to be at work," said coworker Sandy Morgan. "Who can blame him? It was Monday. It was early. It's always hard to get going on a Monday morning."
Then he heard a song on the radio, Copa Cabana, by Barry Manilow, and he started cheering up.
"It was amazing!" Ms. Morgan said. "He must have heard the song around 11 or so, because at our 11:30 meeting he was so happy. He had to give a presentation on the past fiscal quarter and he did a fabulous job. He would show us a pie chart or two and then do a little latin dance while humming that Barry Manilow song. It was quite the presentation! For the rest of the day, whenever I saw him, he would be humming along to that song and smiling a little bit. He seemed so happy."
When Mr. Winters came in on Tuesday morning, he seemed a bit tired.
"We had another 11:30 meeting. He wasn't presenting anything this time, he just showed up to listen. Every time there was a break in the presentation you could hear him humming, 'Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl.' under his breath. He looked a little tired, but otherwise he seemed to be doing all right. Jeff was a party-guy, so we had all just assumed that he had been out late last night - I remember Rob, a guy from accounting, giving him a hard time over how much fun he must have had to be looking so tired. Jeff just smiled at him and kept humming."
On Wednesday, Mr. Winters looked like a complete wreck. There were dark circles under his eyes and he couldn't stand up straight, he kept weaving from side to side. Coworkers said he kept humming Copa Cbana under his breath.
Then, around 10:00, he passed out.
"Jeff and I were going over some SR-10 reports and he was having a lot of trouble concentrating. His eyes kept closing - he looked like he was going to pass out. I asked him if he was feeling okay and he just said, 'I can't get this damn song out of my head.' Then he did it. He passed out."
Mr. Winters was admitted to Saint Luke's hospital, and, for the last three days, has been lying in a coma. Doctors have not been able to find any physical reason for the coma, so they are currently working under the assumption that it was the song that did it to him.
"This seems to be a rather extreme case of a person getting a song stuck in their head. We haven't had any luck with the normal medical treatments, so we have been trying some rather unorthodox therapy to try and bring Mr. Winters around," said Dr. Humani, Chief of Internal Medicine at St. Luke's. "We've been playing Tom Jones' It's Not Unusual and Wayne Newton's Danke Schoen 24 hours a day - but so far he hasn't been responsive to either of these new songs. If you listen closely, you can still hear Mr. Winters humming Copa Cabana under his breath"
When Barry Manilow learned that listening to his music had caused someone to go into a coma - a first as far as doctors have been able to tell - he released this statement, "Copa Cabana has always been one of my favorite songs. It's such a catchy tune! It does not surprise me in the least that someone would hum it over and over until their body just gave up - it is just that good of a song. By the way, did you know that Copa Cabana was based upon real events that happened to me while I was at a bar? Yes. Although I am not sure if the showgirl's name was actually Lola - I never could remember her name, but she did have yellow feathers in her hair. Oh yes, don't forget to buy my newest album coming out in stores December 13."
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Actually...
A new Harvard study has found that rich people actually are happier than poor people. "Oh yeah," said Ollie Clifton, a man who was once unemployed but then won a $20 million lottery jackpot, "being rich is way better than being poor. I'm much happier." The Harvard study compared people who "did what they loved and let the money follow" as many high school and college career counselors tell students and people who were "filthy rich". People who were filthy rich were, on average, 5000 times happier than those who took their career counselor's advice.
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Country's Kids Not Smoking As Much
The percentage of ninth-graders who said they had smoked in the past month dropped from 30.3 percent in 1998 to 18.7 percent this spring, according to the results of the 2001 Federal Student Survey released today. Other survey results showed promising, though smaller, declines for other risky youth behavior such as drinking alcohol and having sex.
Alcohol use declined, continuing a trend seen throughout the 1990s. Less than 15 percent of sixth-graders this year said they drank alcohol in the past 12 months, compared with 25 percent in 1992. For 12th-graders, 67.5 percent said they drank alcohol -- a drop of 2 percentage points from 1998 and a 12-point drop from 1992.
Sexual activity showed small declines that also continued trends started in the 1990s. Less than 49 percent of 12th-graders said they had had sexual intercourse, a drop of 1.6 percentage points from 1998 and 14 points from 1989. Less than 20 percent of ninth-graders reported having sexual intercourse, a drop from 30 percent in 1989.
"Basically what we are seeing here is that kids are less fun than they were a decade ago," said Martha Thompson, one of the researchers who worked on the survey project. "Today's kids are really boring. They are pretty un-cool. I remember when I was a kid, having sex, drinking, and smoking pot were some of my favorite activities, but try telling that to kids these days - they just don't listen."
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The Dalai Lama was reportedly unhappy when he was told that someone had "dinged" his car in the parking lot and then drove off without leaving any contact or insurance information. He told reporters he had this message for the driver of the car, "I'm gonna git you sucka!"
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Oprah Winfrey says she doesn't like the books that she picks for her book club. "They pretty much suck."
Prez sayz: "Evil is as evil does.
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Ebert & Roeper Give Osama bin Laden Tape Only One Thumb Up
After viewing the Osama bin Laden tape, Ebert & Roeper have given the tape a mediocre "1 thumb up".
"I just didn't believe what he was saying," said Ebert, who gave the tape a 'thumb down', "I mean, he was entirely unconvincing in the role of a world-famous terrorist bent on the destruction of all capitalist societies. I didn't see any passion, I didn't see any desire. To me, he looked like he was just going through the motions of being a terrorist."
"I have to disagree with you," said Roeper, who gave the tape a 'thumb up'. "The authenticity of the Arab garb, and the length of those beards really impressed me. I could totally see those guys killing capitalists and subjugating women. I thought it was very believable."
"Well, to me," continued Ebert, "the tape played like a bad home movie. The dialogue was stale, the lighting was terrible, and the supporting characters were completely useless - they didn't say ten words between them. It was as though they were just a sounding board for Osama's ideas on metallurgical theory and the like. It could have worked if Osama himself had been a more dynamic speaker, but frankly, he just bored the hell out of me."
"I do have to agree with you there, Ebert," said Roeper, "the lighting and quality of the tape was horrible, but I think that the content of the tape more than made up for those shortcomings. However, if Osama is going to want to play with the big boys like Tom Cruise or Jim Carey in the future, he is definitely going to have to think more about the quality of the movie instead of just the content. American audiences like high-quality settings and big special effects - I don't think just sitting in a small room talking to his associates is going to get him into the big leagues - this is no Oscar caliber production, that's for sure. There wasn't even a soundtrack. Next time out, this budding film maker is going to have to spend some of his millions to make a more "Hollywood-quality" film."
caveat lector