Flashback to 15 years old; my father is teaching me how to drive. More specifically, he is teaching me how to back into a normal parking space (the evils of parallel parking are to come later).
We are in an empty parking lot early on a Saturday morning. The sun is shining brightly, the asphalt is black, and the parking lines are yellow.
I'm good to go.
"Okay son, this is what you are going to do. Pick out the parking space you want and slowly turn the wheel while backing into it."
I begin.
"Good job son! Keep looking at the parking space. Slowly. Slowly. Keep turning the steering wheel."
I end.
"Perfect! You did it perfectly on your first try!"
"Umm, dad? I wasn't aiming for this parking space."
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It is Friday afternoon (December 1st), I get a call from my girlfriend. "You want to go see a movie at 5:00?"
"Sure," I say. "Pick me up at 4:30."
4:25pm - I get a call saying she is running late and will pick me up at 4:40.
4:42pm - Get picked up by girlfriend.
4:47pm - Get stuck in traffic jam, decide to take "alternate route".
4:49pm - Alternate route turns out to be a very bad idea.
4:52pm - All traffic is trying to merge into my lane (yes, it is my lane!) because of accident.
4:53pm - Being merged upon
4:54pm - Being merged upon.
4:55pm - Being merged upon.
4:56pm - Get past the accident, traffic flowing nicely.
5:00pm - Get on off-ramp. Theater in site.
5:01pm - Sitting at stoplight.
5:03pm - Find parking space - woohoo!
5:05pm - Find ATM. Wait for lady ahead of us to get money out; she is humming Jingle Bells.
5:06pm - She is humming Amazing Grace.
5:07pm - She is humming Who Let The Dogs Out?.
5:08pm - She is humming Frosty The Snowman.
5:09pm - I wonder why they don't have ATMs for "special people".
5:10pm - She is humming Jingle Bells again.
5:11pm - She leaves - woohoo! We get money out.
5:12pm - Buy tickets.
5:13pm - Get into movie. Previews are still rolling; we made it!
6:50pm - Walk out of movie theater shaking heads, what a bad movie.
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Remember Hubba Bubba and Bubblicious bubble gum? I was more of a Hubba Bubba man myself, but Bubblicious would do in a pinch. The flavor would only last a few minutes and then the gum would get hard, but the sugar rush, oh man, gotta love that Hubba Bubba sugar rush, baby!
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I voted in the U.S. presidential election and all I got was this stupid t-shirt.
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I was out to dinner last night when I overhead the end of a conversation at a table next to me.
Her: "You are so self absorbed!"
Him: "Well, yeah. It's my life."
They are probably better off without each other.
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Whenever my girlfriend drives me to work, we drive past the State and Orpheum Theaters in downtown Minneapolis.
As soon as I see those blinking neon lights something comes over me.
I start singing show tunes.
But instead of singing the actual show tunes I make up my own lyrics. For instance, instead of: "I am the very model of a Modern Major-General. I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral." I'll sing: "I love my beautiful Bina and I think that you are neat-a, You have such pretty little feet and I think that you are sweet-a."
How horrible is that?!
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I have experienced no sound worse than that of an alarm clock going off on a Monday morning.
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My girlfriend has this purse.
It looks like a small purse, but as she was cleaning it out last night, the amount of stuff she pulled out was amazing.
She was like one of those magicians who put a bag on the floor and start pulling out lamps and couches and people.
By the time she was done pulling everything out of her purse, the entire floor was covered with things.
Amazing things, wondrous things, things I didn't even know the name of.
If she had pulled out lamps and couches and people I would have been less surprised.
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The really big debate at casa bakiwop last night.
Is it neo-maxi-zoomed-dweebie
or
neo-max-zoomed-weenie?
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I was in a very good mood last night. It had an almost giddy quality to it.
So much so that I caught myself making "vroom vroom" noises as I accelerated from a stoplight.
Vroom vroom!
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"La dee da dee da. It's the one and only Dee Oh double Gee."
"Snoop Dogg!"
Snoop Doggy Dogg. Yeah. I like that.
La dee da dee da. It's the one and only Em Ay double Tee.
Snoop Matt!
Snoop Matty Matt. Yeah. I like That.
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I was watching the James Bond movie "Tomorrow Never Dies" over the weekend. In it, there is a scene where James is fighting a goon over a newspaper printing press. James defeats the goon by flipping him over the rail and into the speeding printing press.
All you see of the goon is a streak of read covering the newspapers.
James' one-liner as he straightens his tie is, "They'll print anything thing these days."
I was thinking more along the lines of "What's black and white and red all over?"
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Finally! Proof that I am intelligent!
I was watching the Discovery Channel last night and there was a documentary on chimpanzees. The narrator was going on and on about how chimps were tool users and that this made them intelligent.
For instance, one chimp wanted to get at some termites that were in their termite mound; she took a stick, dipped it into the termite mound and when she pulled it out there were termites on it which she began eating.
A classic example of intelligent tool use.
After the show I wanted some milk. I got the milk and took off the cap. The cap slipped from my fingers and went between the fridge and the cupboard. I looked at the cap; there was no way I was going to be able to reach it with my arm. So, I grabbed an umbrella and pulled the cap toward me. I got the cap, washed it off, and put it back on the milk container.
A classic example of intelligent tool use!
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I was watching television with Tim last night. Tim is a 6-year-old boy. A very loud, noisy, and annoying 6-year-old boy. I was babysitting him (I don't think his parents went out anywhere, they just needed a break).
As we were watching t.v., one of those Blue Man Group commercials for the Pentium III came on. Tim stared at it wide-eyed and when it was over he asked me how he could become a Blue Man.
I thought of telling him to hold his breath, but on further thought that didn't seem like such a good idea.
So I told him he had to go to 8 years of college and get his Ph.D. in Chemical Engineering.
"What's Kimcal Engneerin' and why'd I need it, Uncle Matt?"
"You have to take Chemical Engineering so you can learn how to make yourself blue."
He looked at me with complete trust in his eyes and then started watching t.v. again.
Man, I love kids.
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Happy Holidays!
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My girlfriend asked me to get a "good" bottle of wine as a present for one of our friends.
"What constitutes a good bottle of wine?" I asked.
"Just use your good judgment", she replied.
I only know two things about wine: 1) It comes in either the red or white variety, and 2) If you drink enough you get drunk.
So, I went to the liquor store, looked at the bottles of wine, and decided that a "good" bottle of wine consists of two things: 1) A cork instead of a screw top, and 2) A price tag greater than $20.
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My parents wanted to take my girlfriend and me out to dinner over the weekend. So my dad picks up his wallet as we are walking out the door and checks it to make sure there is money in there.
"Honey," he says to my mom, "Did you take any money out of my wallet?"
"No. Why?"
"Well, I usually have a lot more money in here. I thought I had around eighty dollars or so, but I only see three."
I took a closer look at his wallet
"Umm, dad? That's my wallet, and that's about as much money as I ever have in there."
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My girlfriend and I were driving to my parents house this past weekend. I said something and she made a comment that besmirched (cool word, huh?) my personality.
Me: "Why do you make fun of me like that?"
Girlfriend: "I don't make fun of you; I make you laugh."
Me: "No, you make you laugh."
Her reply to this was a mischievous grin. Women are evil.
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Funny how the word monosyllabic isn't.
caveat lector