ope...a life / ope.1
April Fool: Trump is President. Billionaires exist. Capitalism is considered a valid economic theory.
Feeling an overwhelming surge of optimism in my life. Don't much care for it. Means I'll have to do stuff.
Spiders.
Friggin' spiders.
Lots of spiders make their way into the house.
Like, lots.
It'd gotten so bad I'd find spiders in my bathroom daily.
And not the cute little spider buddies with webs in a corner that eat pests and want you to leave them alone. Nope. These spiders were quick and mean - oh so mean! - and scurried all over the place. They looked like wolf spiders, but they were black.
Are there even black wolf spiders?
And mean. Did I already mention mean? Don't think a spider can be mean? One morning I woke up and blearily made my way to the banister overlooking the stairs so I could tell my wife and kitty i love them. As my hand brushed the railing it bumped something. It barely registered. I was still mostly asleep. I thought to myself, wouldn't it be funny if that was a spider, then yelled down, "Love you!" to my girls. I turned, shuffled my way down the hall, and went into the bathroom.
I took off my PJs and sat on the toilet, and as I sat there, trying to wake up, I saw this black spider crawl under the door, turn toward me, then run - yes, run - right at me.
Little fucker. I'm naked on the toilet and your come at me when I haven't even had my morning coffee?
Fuck off with that shit.
I grabbed a roll of toilet paper - the only thing at hand - and sent it to its eight-legged maker.
Shit.
And these spiders? Whatever kind they are? They don't seem to spin webs. In fact, I've only seen them use spider silk once.
It was just the other day.
You see, nowadays, we have a guy come out and spray chemicals all over the inside and outside of the house.
Chemical warfare! Science! Opposable thumbs, bitches!
This guy comes out every couple of months. But that last few weeks before the guy comes out again? The spiders start coming 'round.
But now? Now I'm prepared.
So, spider silk. Right. Just the other day, I was using the bathroom facilities. I finished my business, stood up, spun the toilet paper roll, and out shot a spider.
It was waiting for me in the damned toilet paper roll.
Mother. Fucker.
But like I said, now? Now I'm prepared. Oh yes, now that I know that these spiders come back a week or two before the chemical warfare guy comes once again to spray chemical arachnid death, I make sure I have a book at hand.
A nice, thick, hardcover book with a dust jacket that cleans off easily after morte di ragno.
I'm a librarian, fuckers! I ain't never running out of books to squash y'all with!
So the spider popped out the cardboard toilet paper roll and went down it's little silk lifeline to the floor. It ran toward a piece of trim it could scuttle under.
Bam!
Down came Stephen King's Misery to end its miserable little life.
There may be lots of spiders, but every time Misery comes out? There's one less.
Kakistocracy: (Wikipedia, Merrriam-Webster)
A kakistocracy (/ˌkækɪˈstɒkrəsi/ KAK-ist-OK-rə-see) is a government run by the worst, least qualified, or most unscrupulous citizens. The word was coined as early as the 17th century, and is derived from two Greek words, kákistos (κάκιστος, 'worst') and krátos (κράτος, 'rule'), with a literal meaning of 'government by the worst people.'
waiting for a steak sandwich.
darnit.
Stacy has gone back to her Minnesota roots; she's started watching hockey. It's wonderful watching her watch games - she yells at the players, telling them what they should be doing (or should have done), and enjoys the fights.
I don't know much about hockey, but Stacy has been teaching me. I'm kinda hopeless with it. I keep comparing NHL players to babies: they're totes adorbs, they group hug for celebrations, chew their mouth guards like pacifiers, and every once in a while they throw a big tantrum and get put in a timeout.
Oh, and every time an announcer states that the players need a change? I giggle.
A neon sign that switches from "open" when open to "ope" when closed.