Very Short Stories
after failing to reach her by phone or email, he walked the streets, yelling her name, wishing it weren't Eugenia Persephone Fuckerpants.
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figuring he'd be late again, she drank her dinner, so when he showed up early with anniversary gift in hand, she threw up gratefully.
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she hated flying with her husband, who suffered from anterograde amnesia, because she'd have to join the mile high club over and over again.
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she walked in on him & her best friend. "liz," she said, "i'm so sorry. i told you he was awful in bed." liz nodded agreement. he whimpered.
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TSA confiscates the clown outfit but he smiles, waiting patiently for them to find the line of colored kerchiefs during the cavity search.
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the clowns were stuck in the tiny car, all twitches & muffled nose honks. the crowd roared laughter as the ringmaster called for the lions.
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he was up the creek without a paddle, but he just smiled. "take that cliches!" he said cranking his new evinrude motor. which then misfired.
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during her review she threw a chair at a window yelling, "i am not a personal brand!" the HR rep checked her file & smiled, "that's so you!"
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she hated the 80s so she ran, she ran so far away, she just ran, she ran all night and day, she couldn't get away.
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as a clown who'd dreamed of joining the largest circus in the world, she smiled her first day on the job when she heard, "hello, senator."
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he danced. "10 years!" he laughed. "10 years since i lost a sock!" the patrons in the laundromat applauded & showered him with dryer sheets.
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she loved driving fast & hated being passed - so when the ferrari blew by her followed by 8 cop cars & a news chopper she smiled. ready.
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he was a lawyer but had dreams of being a clown - his favorite was where the jury found his client guilty so he sprayed them with seltzer.
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cooties AND girl germs - she'd told him he'd pay dearly for pulling her pigtails. the doctor had done all she could, his parents wept.
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she punched him in the face. "THAT'S why you don't leave the toilet seat up! Need another reason?" she yelled, raising her fist again.
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The Key To Happiness Is To Be Happy Wherever You Are, he said. Look, she replied, If You're Too Cheap To Take Me On A Vacation, Just Say So
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the snow swirled & the tree branches twirled as the wind whirled, it was alliterative rhyming tuesday & mother nature wasn't messing around.
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he died (cardiac event). in heaven he saw ex-wife #1 (natural causes) & ex-wife #2 (electrocution-don't ask) talking & giggling & pointing.
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I Need To Have A Few Words With You! she yelled. I'm Guessing, he replied, That Those Words Don't Include 'Love' Or 'I Made Breakfast.'
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his bow-tie wouldn't stop spinning, his nose wouldn't stop honking & his flower wouldn't stop squirting seltzer - this is a clown's bad day.
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Get Ready For An 80s Flashback Weekend! smiled the dj. Flashbacks Are A Symptom Of PTSD, she growled, turning off the radio. #hatethe80s
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I Feel Dead Inside, she moaned. Maybe That's Because You're A Zombie, said the host. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! chanted the audience.
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the handless, armless eye of sauron was powerless against frodo's three stooges-style attack. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk, said frodo to gandalf.
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I Worry About Life After Death, he said. I Worry About Life Before Death, she replied, idly making shapes in her gravy with her fork.
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she stopped taking her medication because she was lonely without the voices in her head.
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I'm Gonna Rock My World, he said, kissing her. You Mean *My* World? she asked, kissing back. 30 seconds later he proved himsef right.
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i done did it, she said. done did it good? he asked. done did it good, she answered. ya did? he asked. done did it good and done, she said.
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Puny Citizens Of Earth, he said, stomping - Godzilla-style - around the 1-year-olds at his daycare. I Shall Teach You To Walk & Potty Train.
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We Have A Very Good Life Together, she said, a tear in her eye. he turned to her, Hold On To That Thought Tightly, Dear... he began.
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That's The Stupidest Fucking Thing I've Ever Done, he said, turning to her. And I've Done Some Really Stupid Fucking Things.
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Woo! he said nearly fumbling the soap in the shower, That'd Be Bad. an inmate looked over & knocked it from his hands. Oh, he replied sadly.
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2 hertz employees watched 17 clowns load into the single, subcompact car they'd reserved. Clown Convention's In Town, said one to the other.
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There's No Need To Wish You To Die A Slow And Painful Death, she said to her ex, I've Seen You For The Past 11 Years - You Already Are.
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he slumped in his beige chair in front of his beige computer in his beige cubicle. But We're Supposed To Be Made Of Star Stuff, he cried.
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cuz possessions, man, are like ghosts, man, because our possessions, like, possess us, man, just like ghosts do, but with stuff, ya dig?
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Humiliation, the self-help guru said, Is Just A Wonderful Combination Of The Words "Human" & "Jubilation." Embrace Your Humiliation!
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Um, Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune &, she said flipping off her middleschool science teachers, Pluto, Bitches!
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Mom...Dad, she said, shuffling her feet. Before I Show You My Report Card, I Just Wanted To Remind You Both Of How Much You Say You Love Me.
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I'm Handsome Joe, Pleased To Meet You, he said. But You're Ugly, she replied. It's Ironic, Like When I Said 'Pleased To Meet You,' Joe said.
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Are You Ready, Dear? he asked. Yup, she replied. You Don't Want To Make Fun Of Me Again First? he inquired. Nope, she said, smiling.
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You Are, she exclaimed, As Useless As This Metaphor!
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They Made Fun Of Me At Recess, she told her therapist, So I Said 'Sticks & Stones May Break My Bones'...& They Gave Me Sticks & Stones.
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Sweetie? What're Ya Doing? he asked his daughter. Stepping On Every Crack, she said concentrating on the sidewalk. Mom Made Me Eat BROCCOLI.
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It's So Hard Being The Person I Want To Be! she cried to her therapist. Can't I Just Be The Person I Am? her therapist giggled & said, Nein!
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So In My Dream, he told his therapist, I'm Being Born And Just Before My Head Crowns I See A Sign Reading "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter."
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No One Ever Listens To Me! he said to his therapist. I Do, she replied. But I Have To Pay You $250 An Hour To Do It, he cried.
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"Goal," "Plan" & "Work," he said kicking up his feet, eating chips. All 4-Letter Words. Fuck! she yelled. Yup, he said, Just Like That One.
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You Said It Was Impossible Not To Love Me! he cried. I Know, she replied, smiling as she walked out knowing she could now do the impossible.
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Game Over, he sighed, flat-lining on the operating table. Respawn! yelled the doctor, rolling up her sleeves & charging the defibrillator.
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The Crystal Ball Said I'd Died 5 Years Ago But Here I Am, he told the witch. You've Worked In A Cubicle For 5 Years Now, Right? she replied.
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What I Miss Most About Childhood Is Going Potty Whenever & Wherever I Want, he told his wife, pulling an adult diaper out of a grocery bag.
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Because, My Love, she said, picking up another drink while smiling at him. For The Next Few Hours I'm Going To Do My Best To Destroy Myself.
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No, Dear, he told her, I Just Want To Snuggle Up To You And Make-Believe That, For The Time Being, All Is Right With The World.
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I'm Really Sick and Tired Of Embarrassing Myself, he told his therapist. Your Fly Is Unzipped, she replied.
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I Hate 2-for-1 Deals At Restaurants, he said. Thanks For Showing Me Once Again That No One Loves Me, Even If I Give 'Em Free Food. Fuckers.
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he idled at the bar, surrounded by the smells of stale beer, cigarettes & peanuts. the only thing fresh here was the despair. he smiled.
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he was so embarrassed for other people concerning the way they lived their lives that he never got around to living his own.
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Blood Of Christ! slurred the priest who sloshed the jug of wine while addressing his congregation. Woo!
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"i am connor macleod of the clan macleod, you killed my father, it's a trap!" - best sentence in scifi movie fandom ever?
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So, she told her constipated husband after finding out he lied about not having an affair, You Are Actually A Lying Sack Of Shit. Huh.
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i love you like a nail loves a hammer.
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figuring he'd be late again, she drank her dinner, so when he showed up early with anniversary gift in hand, she threw up gratefully.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
she hated flying with her husband, who suffered from anterograde amnesia, because she'd have to join the mile high club over and over again.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
she walked in on him & her best friend. "liz," she said, "i'm so sorry. i told you he was awful in bed." liz nodded agreement. he whimpered.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
TSA confiscates the clown outfit but he smiles, waiting patiently for them to find the line of colored kerchiefs during the cavity search.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
the clowns were stuck in the tiny car, all twitches & muffled nose honks. the crowd roared laughter as the ringmaster called for the lions.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
he was up the creek without a paddle, but he just smiled. "take that cliches!" he said cranking his new evinrude motor. which then misfired.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
during her review she threw a chair at a window yelling, "i am not a personal brand!" the HR rep checked her file & smiled, "that's so you!"
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
she hated the 80s so she ran, she ran so far away, she just ran, she ran all night and day, she couldn't get away.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
as a clown who'd dreamed of joining the largest circus in the world, she smiled her first day on the job when she heard, "hello, senator."
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
he danced. "10 years!" he laughed. "10 years since i lost a sock!" the patrons in the laundromat applauded & showered him with dryer sheets.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
she loved driving fast & hated being passed - so when the ferrari blew by her followed by 8 cop cars & a news chopper she smiled. ready.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
he was a lawyer but had dreams of being a clown - his favorite was where the jury found his client guilty so he sprayed them with seltzer.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
cooties AND girl germs - she'd told him he'd pay dearly for pulling her pigtails. the doctor had done all she could, his parents wept.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
she punched him in the face. "THAT'S why you don't leave the toilet seat up! Need another reason?" she yelled, raising her fist again.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
The Key To Happiness Is To Be Happy Wherever You Are, he said. Look, she replied, If You're Too Cheap To Take Me On A Vacation, Just Say So
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
the snow swirled & the tree branches twirled as the wind whirled, it was alliterative rhyming tuesday & mother nature wasn't messing around.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
he died (cardiac event). in heaven he saw ex-wife #1 (natural causes) & ex-wife #2 (electrocution-don't ask) talking & giggling & pointing.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
I Need To Have A Few Words With You! she yelled. I'm Guessing, he replied, That Those Words Don't Include 'Love' Or 'I Made Breakfast.'
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
his bow-tie wouldn't stop spinning, his nose wouldn't stop honking & his flower wouldn't stop squirting seltzer - this is a clown's bad day.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Get Ready For An 80s Flashback Weekend! smiled the dj. Flashbacks Are A Symptom Of PTSD, she growled, turning off the radio. #hatethe80s
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
I Feel Dead Inside, she moaned. Maybe That's Because You're A Zombie, said the host. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! chanted the audience.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
the handless, armless eye of sauron was powerless against frodo's three stooges-style attack. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk, said frodo to gandalf.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
I Worry About Life After Death, he said. I Worry About Life Before Death, she replied, idly making shapes in her gravy with her fork.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
she stopped taking her medication because she was lonely without the voices in her head.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
I'm Gonna Rock My World, he said, kissing her. You Mean *My* World? she asked, kissing back. 30 seconds later he proved himsef right.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
i done did it, she said. done did it good? he asked. done did it good, she answered. ya did? he asked. done did it good and done, she said.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Puny Citizens Of Earth, he said, stomping - Godzilla-style - around the 1-year-olds at his daycare. I Shall Teach You To Walk & Potty Train.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
We Have A Very Good Life Together, she said, a tear in her eye. he turned to her, Hold On To That Thought Tightly, Dear... he began.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
That's The Stupidest Fucking Thing I've Ever Done, he said, turning to her. And I've Done Some Really Stupid Fucking Things.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Woo! he said nearly fumbling the soap in the shower, That'd Be Bad. an inmate looked over & knocked it from his hands. Oh, he replied sadly.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
2 hertz employees watched 17 clowns load into the single, subcompact car they'd reserved. Clown Convention's In Town, said one to the other.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
There's No Need To Wish You To Die A Slow And Painful Death, she said to her ex, I've Seen You For The Past 11 Years - You Already Are.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
he slumped in his beige chair in front of his beige computer in his beige cubicle. But We're Supposed To Be Made Of Star Stuff, he cried.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
cuz possessions, man, are like ghosts, man, because our possessions, like, possess us, man, just like ghosts do, but with stuff, ya dig?
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Humiliation, the self-help guru said, Is Just A Wonderful Combination Of The Words "Human" & "Jubilation." Embrace Your Humiliation!
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Um, Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune &, she said flipping off her middleschool science teachers, Pluto, Bitches!
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Mom...Dad, she said, shuffling her feet. Before I Show You My Report Card, I Just Wanted To Remind You Both Of How Much You Say You Love Me.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
I'm Handsome Joe, Pleased To Meet You, he said. But You're Ugly, she replied. It's Ironic, Like When I Said 'Pleased To Meet You,' Joe said.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Are You Ready, Dear? he asked. Yup, she replied. You Don't Want To Make Fun Of Me Again First? he inquired. Nope, she said, smiling.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
You Are, she exclaimed, As Useless As This Metaphor!
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
They Made Fun Of Me At Recess, she told her therapist, So I Said 'Sticks & Stones May Break My Bones'...& They Gave Me Sticks & Stones.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Sweetie? What're Ya Doing? he asked his daughter. Stepping On Every Crack, she said concentrating on the sidewalk. Mom Made Me Eat BROCCOLI.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
It's So Hard Being The Person I Want To Be! she cried to her therapist. Can't I Just Be The Person I Am? her therapist giggled & said, Nein!
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
So In My Dream, he told his therapist, I'm Being Born And Just Before My Head Crowns I See A Sign Reading "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter."
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
No One Ever Listens To Me! he said to his therapist. I Do, she replied. But I Have To Pay You $250 An Hour To Do It, he cried.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
"Goal," "Plan" & "Work," he said kicking up his feet, eating chips. All 4-Letter Words. Fuck! she yelled. Yup, he said, Just Like That One.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
You Said It Was Impossible Not To Love Me! he cried. I Know, she replied, smiling as she walked out knowing she could now do the impossible.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Game Over, he sighed, flat-lining on the operating table. Respawn! yelled the doctor, rolling up her sleeves & charging the defibrillator.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
The Crystal Ball Said I'd Died 5 Years Ago But Here I Am, he told the witch. You've Worked In A Cubicle For 5 Years Now, Right? she replied.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
What I Miss Most About Childhood Is Going Potty Whenever & Wherever I Want, he told his wife, pulling an adult diaper out of a grocery bag.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Because, My Love, she said, picking up another drink while smiling at him. For The Next Few Hours I'm Going To Do My Best To Destroy Myself.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
No, Dear, he told her, I Just Want To Snuggle Up To You And Make-Believe That, For The Time Being, All Is Right With The World.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
I'm Really Sick and Tired Of Embarrassing Myself, he told his therapist. Your Fly Is Unzipped, she replied.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
I Hate 2-for-1 Deals At Restaurants, he said. Thanks For Showing Me Once Again That No One Loves Me, Even If I Give 'Em Free Food. Fuckers.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
he idled at the bar, surrounded by the smells of stale beer, cigarettes & peanuts. the only thing fresh here was the despair. he smiled.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
he was so embarrassed for other people concerning the way they lived their lives that he never got around to living his own.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Blood Of Christ! slurred the priest who sloshed the jug of wine while addressing his congregation. Woo!
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
"i am connor macleod of the clan macleod, you killed my father, it's a trap!" - best sentence in scifi movie fandom ever?
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
So, she told her constipated husband after finding out he lied about not having an affair, You Are Actually A Lying Sack Of Shit. Huh.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
i love you like a nail loves a hammer.
caveat lector