after failing to reach her by phone or email, he walked the streets, yelling her name, wishing it weren't Eugenia Persephone Fuckerpants.
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figuring he'd be late again, she drank her dinner, so when he showed up early with anniversary gift in hand, she threw up gratefully.
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she hated flying with her husband, who suffered from anterograde amnesia, because she'd have to join the mile high club over and over again.
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she walked in on him & her best friend. "liz," she said, "i'm so sorry. i told you he was awful in bed." liz nodded agreement. he whimpered.
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TSA confiscates the clown outfit but he smiles, waiting patiently for them to find the line of colored kerchiefs during the cavity search.
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the clowns were stuck in the tiny car, all twitches & muffled nose honks. the crowd roared laughter as the ringmaster called for the lions.
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he was up the creek without a paddle, but he just smiled. "take that cliches!" he said cranking his new evinrude motor. which then misfired.
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during her review she threw a chair at a window yelling, "i am not a personal brand!" the HR rep checked her file & smiled, "that's so you!"
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she hated the 80s so she ran, she ran so far away, she just ran, she ran all night and day, she couldn't get away.
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as a clown who'd dreamed of joining the largest circus in the world, she smiled her first day on the job when she heard, "hello, senator."
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he danced. "10 years!" he laughed. "10 years since i lost a sock!" the patrons in the laundromat applauded & showered him with dryer sheets.
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she loved driving fast & hated being passed - so when the ferrari blew by her followed by 8 cop cars & a news chopper she smiled. ready.
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he was a lawyer but had dreams of being a clown - his favorite was where the jury found his client guilty so he sprayed them with seltzer.
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cooties AND girl germs - she'd told him he'd pay dearly for pulling her pigtails. the doctor had done all she could, his parents wept.
she punched him in the face. "THAT'S why you don't leave the toilet seat up! Need another reason?" she yelled, raising her fist again.
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The Key To Happiness Is To Be Happy Wherever You Are, he said. Look, she replied, If You're Too Cheap To Take Me On A Vacation, Just Say So
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the snow swirled & the tree branches twirled as the wind whirled, it was alliterative rhyming tuesday & mother nature wasn't messing around.
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he died (cardiac event). in heaven he saw ex-wife #1 (natural causes) & ex-wife #2 (electrocution-don't ask) talking & giggling & pointing.
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I Need To Have A Few Words With You! she yelled. I'm Guessing, he replied, That Those Words Don't Include 'Love' Or 'I Made Breakfast.'
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his bow-tie wouldn't stop spinning, his nose wouldn't stop honking & his flower wouldn't stop squirting seltzer - this is a clown's bad day.
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Get Ready For An 80s Flashback Weekend! smiled the dj. Flashbacks Are A Symptom Of PTSD, she growled, turning off the radio. #hatethe80s
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I Feel Dead Inside, she moaned. Maybe That's Because You're A Zombie, said the host. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! chanted the audience.
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the handless, armless eye of sauron was powerless against frodo's three stooges-style attack. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk, said frodo to gandalf.
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I Worry About Life After Death, he said. I Worry About Life Before Death, she replied, idly making shapes in her gravy with her fork.
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she stopped taking her medication because she was lonely without the voices in her head.
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I'm Gonna Rock My World, he said, kissing her. You Mean *My* World? she asked, kissing back. 30 seconds later he proved himsef right.
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i done did it, she said. done did it good? he asked. done did it good, she answered. ya did? he asked. done did it good and done, she said.
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Puny Citizens Of Earth, he said, stomping - Godzilla-style - around the 1-year-olds at his daycare. I Shall Teach You To Walk & Potty Train.
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We Have A Very Good Life Together, she said, a tear in her eye. he turned to her, Hold On To That Thought Tightly, Dear... he began.
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That's The Stupidest Fucking Thing I've Ever Done, he said, turning to her. And I've Done Some Really Stupid Fucking Things.
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Woo! he said nearly fumbling the soap in the shower, That'd Be Bad. an inmate looked over & knocked it from his hands. Oh, he replied sadly.
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2 hertz employees watched 17 clowns load into the single, subcompact car they'd reserved. Clown Convention's In Town, said one to the other.
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There's No Need To Wish You To Die A Slow And Painful Death, she said to her ex, I've Seen You For The Past 11 Years - You Already Are.
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he slumped in his beige chair in front of his beige computer in his beige cubicle. But We're Supposed To Be Made Of Star Stuff, he cried.
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cuz possessions, man, are like ghosts, man, because our possessions, like, possess us, man, just like ghosts do, but with stuff, ya dig?
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Humiliation, the self-help guru said, Is Just A Wonderful Combination Of The Words "Human" & "Jubilation." Embrace Your Humiliation!
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Um, Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune &, she said flipping off her middleschool science teachers, Pluto, Bitches!
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Mom...Dad, she said, shuffling her feet. Before I Show You My Report Card, I Just Wanted To Remind You Both Of How Much You Say You Love Me.
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I'm Handsome Joe, Pleased To Meet You, he said. But You're Ugly, she replied. It's Ironic, Like When I Said 'Pleased To Meet You,' Joe said.
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Are You Ready, Dear? he asked. Yup, she replied. You Don't Want To Make Fun Of Me Again First? he inquired. Nope, she said, smiling.
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You Are, she exclaimed, As Useless As This Metaphor!
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They Made Fun Of Me At Recess, she told her therapist, So I Said 'Sticks & Stones May Break My Bones'...& They Gave Me Sticks & Stones.
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Sweetie? What're Ya Doing? he asked his daughter. Stepping On Every Crack, she said concentrating on the sidewalk. Mom Made Me Eat BROCCOLI.
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It's So Hard Being The Person I Want To Be! she cried to her therapist. Can't I Just Be The Person I Am? her therapist giggled & said, Nein!
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So In My Dream, he told his therapist, I'm Being Born And Just Before My Head Crowns I See A Sign Reading "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter."
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No One Ever Listens To Me! he said to his therapist. I Do, she replied. But I Have To Pay You $250 An Hour To Do It, he cried.
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"Goal," "Plan" & "Work," he said kicking up his feet, eating chips. All 4-Letter Words. Fuck! she yelled. Yup, he said, Just Like That One.
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You Said It Was Impossible Not To Love Me! he cried. I Know, she replied, smiling as she walked out knowing she could now do the impossible.
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Game Over, he sighed, flat-lining on the operating table. Respawn! yelled the doctor, rolling up her sleeves & charging the defibrillator.
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The Crystal Ball Said I'd Died 5 Years Ago But Here I Am, he told the witch. You've Worked In A Cubicle For 5 Years Now, Right? she replied.
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What I Miss Most About Childhood Is Going Potty Whenever & Wherever I Want, he told his wife, pulling an adult diaper out of a grocery bag.
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Because, My Love, she said, picking up another drink while smiling at him. For The Next Few Hours I'm Going To Do My Best To Destroy Myself.
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No, Dear, he told her, I Just Want To Snuggle Up To You And Make-Believe That, For The Time Being, All Is Right With The World.
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I'm Really Sick and Tired Of Embarrassing Myself, he told his therapist. Your Fly Is Unzipped, she replied.
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I Hate 2-for-1 Deals At Restaurants, he said. Thanks For Showing Me Once Again That No One Loves Me, Even If I Give 'Em Free Food. Fuckers.
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he idled at the bar, surrounded by the smells of stale beer, cigarettes & peanuts. the only thing fresh here was the despair. he smiled.
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he was so embarrassed for other people concerning the way they lived their lives that he never got around to living his own.
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Blood Of Christ! slurred the priest who sloshed the jug of wine while addressing his congregation. Woo!
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"i am connor macleod of the clan macleod, you killed my father, it's a trap!" - best sentence in scifi movie fandom ever?
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So, she told her constipated husband after finding out he lied about not having an affair, You Are Actually A Lying Sack Of Shit. Huh.
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i love you like a nail loves a hammer.
caveat lector