WaMu the killer whale never got to see the deep, blue ocean because he was bred in captivity, but that was okay! All day everyday WaMu got to swim around in a neat pool and splash water at people. WaMu was also trained to do fancy tricks like “The Amazing Eventually Unpayable Mortgage Loan with Back Flip” and “Danger with Derivatives and the Ring of Fire” by people who fed him lots of large, yummy fish and rubbed his tongue when they were happy with him.
WaMu really loved having his tongue rubbed.
For years and years and years WaMu the killer whale put on a great show for hundreds of millions of people. WaMu had lots of owners and lots of trainers and many of them left fabulously wealthy and happy and shiny - for people who worked with WaMu the killer whale always ended up fabulously wealthy and happy and shiny!
Until one sad, rainy day, nobody came to see WaMu the killer whale perform his fancy tricks or splash about in the pool anymore . WaMu looked and looked and waited and waited all day but nobody came. He kept looking and looking and waiting and waiting into the night but the only person he saw was the new Chief Executive Orca walking by with large bags stuffed full of money. Poor WaMu was very sad and lonely and called out to the Chief Executive Orca but the Chief Executive Orca just put his head down and walked right on by without even glancing at WaMu or saying goodbye.
WaMu splashed the Chief Executive Orca as much as he could before the Chief Executive Orca got out the door.
After that, trainers no longer came around to feed him lots of large, yummy fish and nobody came around to rub poor WaMu’s tongue anymore.
WaMu was sad.
The next day someone took WaMu away from his great, big, fun pool and put him in a smaller, dirtier, smellier pool with a killer whale named JPMorgan Chase.
What a weird name for a killer whale, thought WaMu.
The Chief Executive Orca and all the trainers at the new pool didn’t feed WaMu very well and they rarely rubbed his tongue and WaMu never really got to perform his neat tricks anymore, but he did still occasionally get to splash people - every time he did so he pretended each one of them was his old Chief Executive Orca and his old trainers.
The moral of the story is: Stay out of the rain, kids! The rain will steal your money and you won’t get fed large, yummy fish anymore! Oh yeah, and the other moral of the story is: If someone besides you tries to rub your tongue, or rub here or here, then you should call Officer Friendly. No really. Also, don’t rub your tongue or here or here - you’ll go blind doing that, kid.