The Last Blockbuster

"We need a hook!" yelled Ray, 51% owner of the last Blockbuster movie rental place in the continental United States. "Something to really hang our hat on!"

We've been over this and over this," said Billy, 49% owner of the last Blockbuster movie rental place in the continental United States. "We got nuthin'. Although maybe if we bought some hooks we'd get more old people. Old people love wearing hats. Maybe if we gave old people a place to hang their hats in our store then more old people would come in."

Ray got a far-off look in his eye, gazing out the open garage door of his parents' 3-car garage that doubled as Blockbuster corporate headquarters.

"I mean-," started Billy.

"Say that again," said Ray, the beginnings of a smile transforming his perpetually grumpy face. "Say that again!"

"If we bought some ho-?" asked Billy

"No! No! No! No! No!" shouted Ray. "About the old folks!"

"We'd get more old people?" asked Billy, thoroughly confused.

Yes! Old people!" screamed Ray, pounding his fists on the fold up cafeteria table he used as his desk when his parents weren't parked in the third parking space of Blockbuster corporate headquarters. "That's it! Old people!"

Ray broke out his Obamaphone and tweeted: If old people would stop dying we would be fine.

Billy, looking over Ray's shoulder, smiled hesitantly at the tweet and said, "I don't get it."

Ray turned to Billy, kissed him, and said, "You figured it out! You absolutely magnificent bastard!"

Ray made a few calls, had his parents take out a 2nd mortgage on their house, and fully funded the scientific team that eventually discovered the key to immortality.

For a couple of years Blockbuster made billions as more and more old people chose immortality. Old folks, you see, still didn't want to learn how to use Netflix or computers or smart phones, they just wanted to go to the local strip mall, grab a Blockbuster movie and some yummy treats, and spend the night in their comfy chair watching television.

Ray and Billy became the richest people in the world until Billy sued Ray for sexual harasment in the workplace and then Billy became the richest person in the world.

Eventually, however, many of the old folks decided that they preferred the quiet solitude and dignity of death to the late fees associated with making it a Blockbuster night, and the youth who were choosing immortality at a young age simply couldn't wrap their heads around the concept of paying to rent a physical copy in low-res DVD when they could just grab it online for free in glorious HD quality. On this news, Blockbuster stock tanked, so Ray and Billy moved from their recently completed $50 billion Blockbuster campus located on their own Caribbean island back into Ray's parents' garage.

"I can't believe you sued me!" said Ray, scowling at his business partner.

"I can't believe you kissed me," responded Billy.

"I can't believe we lost it all," said Ray.

"Well, we still have the last Blockbuster in the continental United States," offered Billy. "And we did finance the discovery of immortality."

"I can't believe we gave away the secret of immortality for free to everyone on the planet so they'd want to use Blockbuster more."

"Yeah, hindsight's 20/20 and all."

Ray got a far-off look in his eye, gazing out the open garage door of his parents' 3-car garage that doubled as Blockbuster corporate headquarters.

"I mean-," started Billy.

"Say that again," said Ray, the beginnings of a smile transforming his perpetually grumpy face. "Say that again!"

"We did finance the-" said Billy

"No! No! No! No! No!" shouted Ray. "About hindsight!"

"Hindsight's 20/20 and all?" asked Billy, thoroughly confused.

"Yes! Hindsight!" screamed Ray, pounding his fists on the fold up cafeteria table he used as his desk when his parents weren't parked in the third parking space of Blockbuster corporate headquarters. "That's it! Time travel!"

Ray broke out his Obamaphone and began tweeting.

caveat lector