The Gospel According to Matthew
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter One
1In the beginning was a persistent Humming, and the Humming was slightly out of tune and frankly a little louder than it needed to be but you could tell that there was an effort and love in the Humming, so that was okay. The Humming was He and He was the Humming, and He liked the Humming and said, "Gosh." 2He also liked the sound of 'gosh' and He named Himself so.
3Gosh Hummed while making all things and all things were made while He Hummed and all things that weren't made weren't made while He wasn't Humming. 4For He so liked Humming that without Humming He would make nothing.
5Gosh gazed upon all He had Hummed into existence and felt pride 6(but that was okay because the seven deadly sins did not apply to Him). 7He was so uplifted in spirit when He gazed upon His creation that He said, 8"By Golly." 9And He liked 'by golly' so much that He said it every time He was uplifted in spirit. 10Thus He named His spirit By Golly.
11He then looked down upon the humans on earth and thought they looked like they were having a lot of fun and thought He would partake of the fun. 12So He went down to earth but nobody would play with Him, 13for every time someone saw Him they would cry out in fear and fall onto their knees in awe. 14He stayed on earth for a while and waited for them to stop it but they didn't so He returned to heaven. 15He then tried going down to earth as By Golly but By Golly manifested as a burning bush and the humans kept dousing Him with water.
16He went back to heaven and thought to Himself, that wasn't fun. 17So He decided to go to earth as human, 18well, kind of human, 19you know, mostly human with a little divine, 20but definitely the divine was there, 21as was the human, 22did I mention the divine? 23Not that, being divine and all, He'd take advantage or anything, 24you know, like by cheating on a math test or something.
Chapter Two
1Mary and Joseph were making out behind the garden shed when By Golly appeared to them as a Booming Voice and said, 2"Mary, you are with child."
3Mary stopped doing to Joseph what her friend Esther had taught her and asked, "Joseph, did you hear something?"
4"Joseph said, "Nope, now keep doing that thing you were doing, that was nice."
5They began making out again.
6By Golly cleared His throat, "Ahem," yet they continued to make out.
7By Golly said, "Excuse me," yet they continued to make out.
8By Golly yelled, "Hey!" and the two stopped making out and looked around perturbed.
9By Golly said, "Mary, you are with child."
10Mary and Joseph spoke simultaneously.
11"What!" yelled Mary looking at Joseph.
13"What!" yelled Joseph looking at Mary.
12"You said you wanted to wait until-" "I've never been with anyone-"
14"Enough!" said By Golly. "I am the Lord Gosh Almighty who has come here as By Golly and will be born unto you as, um, hmmm -"
15"Wait a minute," said Joseph lighting a blunt. "I've got to mellow out for a second." He took a couple hits and continued, "You're three gods in one?"
16"That's right. I'm the Trifecta - the Father, Holy Spirit, and Son."
17"Golly gee," said Mary. "That's neat."
18"Golly Gee?" Asked He. "I like the sound of that."
19"A Trifecta?" asked Joseph.
20"Yes. I am the Trifecta. The Father, Holy Spirit, and Son. The Lord Gosh, By Golly, and born unto you, Golly Gee."
21"So you're your own son?" Asked Mary. "Isn't that a little redneck?"
22"Yeah," said Joseph, "we're not raising a hillbilly baby."
23"No no no," said By Golly, "it's not like that at all. I am the Trifecta, but not in an icky way. It helps if you're like Me - all-knowing - to understand it."
24"Okay," said Mary and Joseph looking at each other, not completely sure, but they figured who were they to go against the Lord Gosh Almighty.
25"Hey," said By Golly staring at Joseph's blunt, "can I get a hit?"
26"But you're omnipotent! Surely you could just miracle into existence the best blunt ever ma-"
27"The best blunt ever made," said By Golly grabbing Joseph's blunt, "is the one you can bogart off someone else."
28Verily, He hit the blunt hard.
Chapter Three
1Gosh Almighty was smoking with Joseph 2and He did bum all the ganja and not offer to pay. 3Joseph did grumble, but not too loudly, and thus missed the punch line to His joke.
4"What?" asked Joseph.
5The Lord Gosh Almighty did say through many giggles, "The guy behind the door says 'Dave's not here, man.'"
Chapter Four
1It came to pass in those days that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed. 2And there was much grumbling from the world. 3Caesar did hear the grumbling and did decide to make the world go to their hometowns.
4Because he could.
5Joseph went to Hertz to pick up the pack animals he had reserved for the trip earlier in the week. 6"This isn't what I ordered!" Joseph yelled. "It says right here on my receipt: two single-humped dromedaries, two horses, and an ass!"
7"I'm sorry, sir. All we have left are single-humped camels."
8Joseph did hang his head. "Fine. Do you at least have any in dark brown with the new non-spit bridles?"
9"I'm sorry, sir. We only have the light tan models with the old style bridles."
10"Okay...okay. Give me four of them."
11"I'm sorry, sir. We only have three left."
12Joseph did think evil thoughts and was glad he was going to have an in with the savior of all humanity. 13He took out his wallet to pay the clerk.
14"Would sir be interested in purchasing the insurance we offer?"
Chapter Five
1"Sweetheart," said Mary. 2"I know you're trying your hardest to find us a room for the night and I'm trying to be patient. 3Really, I am. 4But I'm two weeks over due with the Savior of the World, I've just spent the last 77 miles riding through the desert on a camel and I'd really just like to find a place to take a nice bath and kick my feet up, you know?"
5"I even slipped the guy a $20, but he said he was all booked up." said Joseph, slipping off Mary's sandals and rubbing her feet. 6"We'll check one more place, I think I see an orange roof down the street. 7It might be a HoJos."
8And Joseph did run toward the orange roof, 9and lo, it was a Howard Johnson. 10The night manager did take pity on Joseph's tale and set them up in the manger manager's suite attached to the stables, 11for he was away in Capernaum for Caesar's tax/registration/census decree thingy.
12"That's better," said Mary, slipping into a bath. 13And her water did break. 14"Crap," she mumbled under her breath, then shouted, 15"Honey! You better go find that mid-wife Esther told us about!"
Chapter Six
1On this Night of Nights it did happen that Daniel and Jeremiah, shepherds each, were to stay with their family's flock on the outskirts of Bethlehem 2when unto them an angel did appear with the great light of the Lord Gosh Almighty and His Heavenly Host singing His praise. 3The shepherds trembled and Jeremiah did faint.
4"Fear not!" said the angel.
5"Fear not!" sang the host, then hummed in the background.
6"For I, Bob the angel, bring to you tidings of great joy on this lonely night."
7"O' yes he do! O' yes he do! O' yes he do!" sang the host.
8"You humble shepherds shall be the first to witness the coming of our Lord and Savior, Golly Gee!" preached Bob.
9"Golly Gee! Has come for thee! O' Golly Gee!" sang the host.
10"You shall walk!"
11"Walk! Walk! Walk!"
12"Walk down that path!" sang Bob, pointing to a path at the shepherds feet.
13"Walk on down that path!"
14"You'll find your King, the one who'll bring, peace to the world."
15"Peace! Peace! Peace!"
16"He'll be down there!" said Bob, pointing to a distant Howard Johnson.
17"Right down there!"
18"Waiting for you!"
19"You! You! You! You!"
20"Go witness Him, for all the world, now go be true."
21"True! True! True!"
22"Great Golly Gee!" Bob and the Heavenly Host did sing over and over again, clapping their hands, as the Lord Gosh Almighty's light did shine all around them until they faded completely into the starlit night.
23Daniel did slap Jeremiah a multitude of times to try and wake him while staring open-mouthed at a piece of paper, illuminated by a single heavenly spotlight, that floated down from where Bob did disappear. The paper landed on Jeremiah with a ting, causing him to wake. 24Daniel grabbed the paper and read it to Jeremiah, "Bob and the Heavenly Hosts, every Tuesday, 9:30pm, The Heavenly Pub and Grille, Lighting by Gosh, No Cover."
25Daniel did drag Jeremiah with haste down the path to the orange-roofed inn and looked for the night manager to ask where a child was being born but could not call him no matter how many times he rang the front desk bell for service. He heard the sound of raised voices and followed them to the manger manager's room.
26"Is this where it is going to happen?" asked Daniel.
27"No." said Joseph. "The night manager kicked us out into the manger proper because he says his insurance won't cover a 'birthing incident' in the residence part of the hotel."
28The night manager gave Joseph a look and told him, "You can move back into the manger manager's suite after the kid is born," and then headed back to the front desk.
29"Come on you two, Daniel and Jeremiah, right? We've been expecting you. Follow me."
30As they walked around the back of the hotel to the manger, they heard cries of pain.
31"I'm not sure I'm ready for this." Jeremiah said, looking pale.
32"The King of Kings is going to be born in a manger?" asked Daniel. "An actual manger?"
33"Don't get me started," said Joseph. 34"Come on, He wants you to witness the birth of His Son. Actually, it's Him and His Son, but, well, it's just easier to think of Him as His Son."
35The three men entered the manger 36and Mary did turn and yell at Joseph, "You are never touching me again!" she said, panting for breath. "Ever!"
37Jeremiah did faint again as Joseph and Daniel backed away, 38"But honey, I didn't touch you this time!"
39"Don't get smart with me! Out!" she yelled, pointing at the door.
40"But hon-"
41"I said, 'Out!'"
42Joseph and Daniel grabbed Jeremiah and made with haste out the door.
43Mary watched them leave and then concentrated on pushing again. "The Lord Gosh Almighty gave me this child without me feeling anything, you'd think He'd let me give birth to the child without feeling anything either." And the midwife did nod her head in agreement of the silly ways of men, even those who were almighty and eternal.
44The three men waited outside with much hand wringing and worry until they heard the first cry of the newborn King of Kings. They all looked carefully around the doorframe and saw Mary smiling and holding baby Golly Gee. "Come see your son, Joseph."
45Jeremiah did manage to say, "But I thought it was actually the Lord-" before Daniel did slap him upside the head.
46Mary handed Joseph the child and he did beam with happiness and kissed his wife.
47"Hey," said Daniel, "I noticed you have the new Swaddling® baby clothes put out by the Romans. Very nice."
48The three men did make coochy coo noises and speak to Golly Gee with high voices while Mary fell asleep. 49Joseph held the baby and Mary's hand and the shepherds did lower their heads and shuffle their feet. "So," said Jeremiah, "We'll just head out and, um, let the world know about, uh-"
50"Come on Jeremiah, let's go and spread the good word." 51So Daniel and Jeremiah left and made known what they had seen concerning the Child and all that heard it wondered at that which was told them by the shepherds and what had become of the their flock.
52And the shepherds did return to the manger to find a large group of lookie-loos watching Golly Gee and Mary and Joseph, who were asleep, through the manger door 53and Daniel did say to Jeremiah, "Oops!"
54Then By Golly came down to Daniel as a turtle dove and perched on his shoulder and said, "If she births Him, they will come," and Daniel was inspired to form a line and charge a small and reasonable fee for people to see the family lying together peacefully in the manger.
55When the last person paid their money and left, Daniel and Jeremiah split the proceeds as instructed by the Bird, leaving 75% for Mary and Joseph and taking 25% and buying new sheep, for their old ones had walked away during the night never to be seen again, 56although there were legends thereafter amongst the tens of thousands of flocks of sheep that out there, somewhere, was a single flock that had dared break the bonds of tyranny and oppression and roamed free, hither and yon, and would one day return to set all sheep-kind free. 57But this never came to pass.
Chapter Seven
1The morning after the birth of Golly Gee, three wise men from the East came to Jerusalem and asked King Herod, "Where is the newborn King of Kings? We saw His star from the East and have come to worship Him."
2And Gosh, looking down from the heavens, did slap His forehead. 3These are wise men? He thought to Himself.
4Herod looked at the wise men for a long while and then said, "Let me get this straight. You're telling me that you came all the way over here, into my kingdom, to worship a king who isn't me, but who is in fact an innocent - and extremely defenseless - newborn infant?"
5"Hail to the King Baby," said the wise men.
6These are wise men? He thought to himself.
7Herod looked at his scribes and asked why he had not been informed of a newborn baby king. He then asked his astronomers why they had not thought to mention the portentous star. Finally, he asked his chief priests where the newborn baby king was to be born. 8There was much stammering and bickering amongst his court until Herod did declare that he had had enough. "I shall create a new, official entity named the Department of Homeland Sovereignty. You shall each - scribe, astronomer, and priest - report to the head of the DHS who shall, forthwith, tell me when a new king has arrived in my kingdom!"
9Herod then spoke to the three wise men, "As you can see, this is news to us. I would greatly like to meet this newborn king. Please continue to follow the star and let me know where you find him."
10"Now," Herod continued, "when you leave make sure to give the DHS any liquids in excess of three ounces that you might be carrying on your person. Have a pleasant trip."
11The wise men, miffed at the loss of good bottles of wine and a revolutionary new hair gel which enhanced gloss while providing essential oils that soothed and rejuvenated dry, sand-filled hair, did continue on their journey, following the star until they came to the manger manager's room at the Bethlehem HoJo. 12There and then the star disappeared, but not before leaving them a flyer for Bob and the Heavenly Hosts, 13for lo, even angels can be annoyingly self-promotional.
14"You think this is the place?" asked one of the wise men. 15And the other two did shrug, unsure.
16"These are the wise men?" Thought Bob the angel while ascending into heaven.
17The three wise men did figure it out and presented themselves to Mary and Joseph and Golly Gee and gave them treasures of gold, frankincense and myrrh. 18The gold was used to start a college fund for Golly Gee, 19the frankincense was smoked with great joy and mellowness, 20and the myrrh was put on a high shelf in the back of a closet, to be forgotten for all time, as no one knew what it actually was.
21And lo, a "reddish-brown resinous material from a tree" does not count.
22The wise men then left by a different route as they didn't want to lose any more good stuff to Herod. 23They did mock Herod calling him "Hair-rid" because of his male-pattern baldness and "Hare-rid" for his deep, abiding hatred of fluffy, white bunny rabbits. 24Herod, upon learning of the wise mens' mockery, was exceeding wroth and slew all white, fluffy bunnies under the age of two in the town of Bethlehem and surrounding coastal areas but then got over it by looking at his treasure rooms chock-full of gold and precious gems. 25He also tried the revolutionary new hair gel, and behold, it did make his hair softer and more manageable while promoting new growth.
Chapter Eight
1And it came to pass that the Son, Golly Gee, who had descended from heaven as the Holy Spirit By Golly, the Lord Gosh Almighty Himself, creator of all that was explicable and inexplicable, did make poopy in His pants.
2"Holy shit!" Joseph exclaimed, looking over Mary's shoulder.
3"It most certainly is," she replied.
4"But holy sh-"
5"And then," interrupted Mary, "you pin it here and here. That's all there is to it."
6"But holy shi-"
7"I'll watch you do it the first few times and then we'll both be able to change Him."
8"But it was so green...9and runny...10and...and that smell! What was that smell? 11If I didn't know who He was I'd swear it was diabolical!" Joseph did proclaim, unable to take his eyes off Him.
12"Joseph?"
13"We don't even feed him anything green!"
14"Dear?"
15"And as soon as you took off the soiled diaper the stream of uri-"
16"Joseph!"
17"It arced so high! Where does it all come from?"
18Mary grabbed Joseph's face with both hands and looked him in the eye. 19"Honey, everything is going to be all right. I promise."
20"Really?" Joseph asked, looking away from Him.
21"This is what babies do."
22"But the smell!"
23"Yes."
24"And the green!"
25"Yes. Think of it like this, 26all babies are like little gods anyway - they both create very much from very little, they both demand much in time and effort, and they both throw the occasional temper tantrum for no reason. He just happens to be an actual god."
27Golly Gee lay on the table, gurgling at them.
28Joseph pulled her hands away from his face. "I really wish you had washed your hands before touching me."
29"Get used to it," Mary replied.
30"What? Why?"
31"He did it again. He needs another changing. 32Your turn, sweetheart."
33Golly Gee grabbed His feet with His hands and did giggle.
Chapter Nine
1When He was twelve years old, they went up to Jerusalem after the custom of the feast.
2On their way back to Nazareth, Mary and Joseph were, well, 3frankly, 4a bit hungover and too stuffed full of good food to keep their eyes open.
5As they snored on their asses, Golly Gee tarried behind them, then turned back to Jerusalem.
6For He could be sneaky.
7When Mary and Joseph could not find Him among their kinsfolk and acquaintances, they turned back to Jerusalem, seeking Him.
8And it came to pass, that after three days they found Him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the doctors, both hearing them, and asking them questions.
9And all that heard Him were astonished at His understanding and answers.
10Well, almost everyone. 11"Three days!" Mary yelled, grabbing Him by the ear. "Three days!"
12"Mom!" Said Golly Gee, Lord Gosh of Heaven above, Earth below, and Hell even belower. 13"That hurts!"
14"You're gonna get such a whuppin'!" said Joseph. "Go cut me a switch."
15"You were supposed to be amazed when you saw me," He said. "Like everyone else here!"
16"We are not 'everyone else here,'" said Joseph. 17"We're your parents and we have sought you with sorrow in our hearts for-"
18"Three days!" yelled Mary again.
19"And how is it that you sought me? Did you not know that I would be about my Father's business?" Asked Golly Gee.
20And they understood not the saying which he spake unto them.
21"Your father's work, huh?" said Mary, finally letting go of His ear. 22"The only father you need to be worried about these days is Joseph."
23"Madam, I assure you," said one of the doctors, holding his head high and looking down his nose at her, "he has been perfectly safe here with us telling us all wondrous tales of minute entities that infect blood-"
24And verily the doctor did stop when he saw the look upon Mary's face.
25"And don't give us that 'wondrous tales' bull pucky," Joseph said, turning toward the doctor. 26"This is the Lord Gosh, By Golly, Golly Gee. Of course he knows stuff you don't. He's omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent."
26a"Hey ya," said Golly Gee. "I'm omnipresent. I'm already wherever you want me to be."
26b"I don't care if you're omnipresent, you're grounded for a week and will stay in your room," said Joseph.
26c"But-," protested the Lord and Savior Gosh Almighty.
27"We're going home," said Mary, giving Golly Gee a look. "Now."
28"Yes, mother," said Golly Gee. And in saying this He increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with Lord Gosh, His parents, and man.
29And He went down with them, and came to Nazareth, and was subject unto them: but His parents kept all these sayings in their heart.
Chapter Ten
1On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Golly Gee's mother was there, and both Golly Gee and Joseph were called to witness the marriage. 2Golly Gee, having just become a teenager, looked for His friends while Joseph looked for the wine.
3"Mary," said Joseph, slipping his arm around her waist after running a circuit of the party and coming up empty handed. 4"Where is the wine?"
5The host, who was chatting with Mary, said that they had run out. Mary turned to her husband and asked, "Where's Golly Gee?"
6"Over playing with His friends," said Joseph. Mary turned to find Golly Gee, and Joseph turned to the host and asked, "So no more wine, huh? Any mead? Hard cider? Myrrh?"
7"Are you supposed to drink Myrrh?" asked the host.
8"I was hoping you knew," replied Joseph.
9Mary found Golly Gee giggling with his friends. 10"Golly Gee," she said. "They have no more wine."
11"Woman," Golly Gee replied. "Why do you involve me? My hour has not yet come."
12Golly Gee's friends laughed nervously. Mary gave them a look and they quieted, hanging their heads in shame. Mary turned back to Jesus and said with a very measured voice, 13"'Woman?'" 14She put her left hand on her hip and pointed at Golly Gee with her right. "If you ever speak to me like that again, I will give you all the trouble your butt has signed up for." She pulled Golly Gee up off His chair. "Now go back into that kitchen and turn water into wine."
15He did find the kitchen and, having the servants fill six waterpots of stone to the brim with water, turned water into wine. The host thanked him. He returned to his friends, who said, 16"Dude! You can turn water into wine? The next party at the oasis is gonna be-"
17He did make 'stop it' gestures while furrowing His brow.
18"What?" asked His friends who turned to see Joseph standing behind them.
19Joseph walked to Golly Gee, put his arm around His shoulders, and said unto Him, "You will not be doing that with your friends at the oasis." 20Joseph took a sip of the wine, hugged his Son, and said, "That's some good wine, though." 21Joseph took another sip. "Really good."
Chapter Eleven
1Then Golly Gee, being filled with By Golly, was led into the wilderness, being tempted for forty days by the devil. 2And in those days he ate nothing, and afterward, when they ended, He was hungry. Because, you know, he hadn't eaten for forty days.
3And the devil said unto Him, "If you are the Son of Gosh, command this stone to become bread."
4Why didn't I think of that, thought Golly Gee. His stomach rumbled. 5But He answered him, "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of Gosh."
6The the devil, taking Him up on a high mountain, showed Him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time, and said unto Him, "All this authority I will give You, and the glory, if you worship me all will be yours."
7And Golly Gee answered him, "Get behind Me satan! 8For it is written, 'You shall worship only the Lord Gosh Almighty. Only Him shall you serve.'"
9Golly Gee and the devil looked at one another, then satan cracked a smile. 10"'Get behind Me, satan'," said beelzebub. "That's a good line!" 11Then the devil did elbow Golly Gee in the ribs and say unto Him, "I'm just fucking with you, Man! It's good to see You! How long has it been?"
12Golly Gee did smile. He turned the rock into bread then offered the devil some while eating and said with his mouthful, "Since that attempted insurrection you threw up in heaven lo those many years."
13"Right! Right," said the devil. 13aSatan shook his head to the offer of bread, saying, "Trying to cut carbs to look good. Vanity, don't ya know." 13bThe devil looked around while Golly Gee continued chewing. "So you decided to come down amongst the hoi polloi, huh? Exciting times. Does it mean what I think it means?
14"It does."
15"Jesus Christ! You're actually gonna go through with it?"
16"You know," said Golly Gee, "if you ever read the newsletters I sent out to all of mine, you'd know this."
17"Sorry," said the devil. "It's just that Bob the Angel guy you have sending them out is really annoying. Like REALLY annoying. I mean, like, I may be the prince of darkness, but even I find his constant promotion too much."
18"Verily, so do I."
19"That's what I should have done!" said Lucifer, slapping his hand against his forehead. "I should have tested your patience with one of Bob's band notices!"
21"That," said Golly Gee, "would have been a difficult test."
22Crap," said the devil. "Always next time. Anyways, good to see You, but it sounds like with heaven and hell opening up in a couple of years I'll have to start getting things ready down there." 23The devil turned to leave then turned back. "Oh! And good luck with that crucifi-"
24"Hey! No spoilers, now," He said.
25"I know. I know." said the devil. "Still just fucking with you."
Chapter Twelve
1He went down to Capenaum to worship in the synagogue. When a nobleman heard He had come out of Judea he went to the synagogue and said to Golly Gee, "May I interrupt you?"
2Golly Gee turned and smiled at the nobleman saying, "Of course. I'm just talking to myself."
3The nobleman beseeched Him, "My mother is always tired! She says the most foul things and always complains! We fear she is possessed! Please heal her! " Golly Gee rose and led the nobleman to his house. 4He walked passed the Nobleman's brothers and sisters and their sons and daughters to find the mother scrubbing the floor. 5He took her hands in His and lifted her from her knees.
6"Dear woman, you have ungrateful children and grandchildren. They torment you with their demands and provide you nothing while you provide their housing and cooking and cleaning. It is you who runs their shops while they sit around idle and sloth. You are possessed not by a foul spirit but by a foul family." 7Jesus turned to the family and one, by one, slapped them across their faces. 7aHe turned back to the old woman and said, "Auntie, you are healed."
8Her family gnashed their teeth and wailed. They surrounded their mother and took the bucket from her hand. The sons went to the shop to work. The daughters went to the kitchen to cook a feast. The grandchildren led her to a comfortable chair where she could watch out the window as they tended her garden.
9The grandmother turned to Golly Gee and said, "Surely you are the Son of Gosh!"
10The grandmother and her family lived a long and happy life together. All who witnessed this miracle spread the Word of His power.
caveat lector