Louie the Lightning Bug was getting ready for a night on the town, but he was sad. It was two weeks into mating season and he hadn’t even had a date, much less bumped lights with a lady.
As Louie left his home for an evening of courtin', he made a pledge to himself. "I, Louie, hereby pledge," he began, "to light it up with the ladies tonight!" And he flew out to the field d'amor with a determined look on his face.
Louie took a moment to look around, kinda scopin' out the scene. Yeah, baby! Louie thought to himself. I can do this!
He started singing Light My Fire.
Come on baby light my fire!
Come on baby light my fire!
Try to set the night on fire!
Man, he loved that last line. Someday Louie hoped to set the night on fire with his butt light.
"Hey lady! Hey lady!" he said to a nearby lady lightning bug. "Look at my shining butt!"
He flashed his light on and off a few times, but the lady lightning bug didn't seem interested.
*Wiggle* *wiggle* *wiggle* went Louie's patootie. "Look at my butt! Look at my butt!"
"I've seen brighter light from a burnt out bulb," said the lady lightning bug as she flew away, a look of disdain crossing her little lightning bug face.
Louie was sad for a moment but then regrouped. "I will get a lady tonight!" he said to himself as he flew toward a group of three lady lightning bugs.
"All right ladies," he said to the group. "Line up! Line up! My name's Louie. Prepare to be dazzled by the butt light!"
The lady lightning bugs looked at each other and laughed a little laugh, but they had been drinking a lot of lightning bug liquor and decided to give Louie a try.
Lady Lightning Bug Number One had been drinking a bit more than her friends, and she was so excited by what she thought would be a wonderful light display of lightning love, that she shoved a little lightning bug dollar in Louie's pants.
"Go ahead," said Lady Lightning Bug Number One. "Show me the light!"
Louie swung his little lightning bug bottom toward her, concentrated hard on getting the right amount of chemicals in his behind, and then let out a little burst of light.
"Hee hee hee! Hah hah hah!" laughed Lady Lightning Bug Number One (for that is actually how lightning bugs laugh).
She grabbed her dollar back and sped off into the twilight, looking for the true lightning bug love of her life.
"I can do better! I can do better!" Louie cried to the other two lady lightning bugs. "Hold on a sec! Just wait!"
"Okay," said Lady Lightning Bug Number Two. "I may regret this, but I am going to give you a shot."
Louie concentrated even harder than the last time. He poured mucho chemicals into his little lightning bug behind and then...
"Hmmph!" said Lady Lightning Bug Number Two. "Pretty pathetic. It was a little brighter than the last one, but nothing to write home about. I'm not leaving the light on over my door for you tonight!"
Lady Lightning Bug Number Two turned her back toward Louie and flew off into the night.
"Oh man, I can't do this," said Louie to Lady Lightning Bug Number Three. "You might as well just leave now."
"Well, I was going to," said Lady Lightning Bug Number Three, "but you look so pathetic that I'm going to give you a chance. Just make sure to try and light that behind really bright this time!"
Then she gave him a little lightning bug smile.
"Okay," said Louie, feeling strange lightning bug emotions that he had never felt before.
Gee, he thought to himself, no lady lightning bug has ever smiled at me before. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I better not let her down!
*Wiggle* wiggle* *wiggle* went his little lightning bug bottom.
*Splash* *splash* *splash* went his little lightning bug chemicals.
He concentrated harder than he had ever concentrated before. His little lightning bug face was all scrunched up with the effort.
*BLINK* went Louie's behind.
There was a big flame and then lots of smoke.
"Wow!" went Lady Lightning Bug Number Three. "That was amazing! Why don't we go over behind that bush and do a little lightning bug love."
But there was no response from the middle of the cloud of smoke that hung around where Louie was.
"Louie?" said Lady Lightning Bug Number Three. "Louie? Are you there?"
There was still no response.
As the smoke cleared, Lady Lightning Bug Number Three didn't see any sign of Louie. She buzzed all around the area where he had been.
She looked up. No Louie.
She Looked Left. No Louie.
She looked right. No Louie.
Then, she looked down. There was Louie, lying on the ground. He was all black and shriveled.
"Louie! Louie!" Are you all right?"
"Huh?" said Louie. "Who said that? Everything is so dark."
"Oh Louie!" said Lady Lightning Bug Number Three. "That was amazing! Wonderful! That was the best lightning bug butt display I have ever seen!"
"Yeah?" said Louie in a little voice. A little smile crossed his little lightning bug lips. "Yeah? You really think so?" He started coughing.
"Yeah," she said.
"All right," Louie said. He pumped his little lightning bug arm in the air once, smiled, and then Louie the Lightning Bug was no more.