Sep 2017
@bakiwop
"Is cheese rational?" "Is cheese animal & do we eat it alive?" 17th century doc discusses the philosophy (& making) of cheese. #marginalia twitter.com/improbresearch…
@bakiwop
Three words: Library Motorcycle Rally. #librarian #saturdaylibrarian #bikersandbooks
@bakiwop
@BrentButt - what were all the keys behind wanda? #HankIsNotPhycic #CornerGas pic.twitter.com/FBFFogdiXJ
@bakiwop
fantastic news. congrats steve woolfolk, very well done. now drink that macallan scotch. #librarian kansascity.com/news/local/cri…
@bakiwop
@homesweethome the best boom box?
@bakiwop
wisconsin represent: wlox.com/story/36275865…
@bakiwop
mine ⬇️ vs. theirs: twitter.com/goodreads/stat…. they might have done it better than me. pic.twitter.com/BeXPGhRht8
@bakiwop
Barium: Let those enduring your enemas remember fireworks' green splendor. vis.sciencemag.org/chemhaiku/
@bakiwop
we now know why the universe was created: so god could get its popcorn on. twitter.com/NASA/status/90…
@bakiwop
you want me on that reference desk. you need me on that reference desk. #saturdaylibrarian pic.twitter.com/DnYGvHKsWE
@bakiwop
@MostlyEnginerd that is epic. manwich! the only errors i see: needs more chips & get rid of vegemite/marmite. 🇺🇸
@bakiwop
replace: "employee" with "inner guest?" "HR" with "Dept of culture & organisation?" "networking" with "Talking shop" bbc.com/capital/story/…
Aug 2017
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter Sunder the Dome.
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter The Dork Half.
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter All's Well That Ends Wall (apologies to shakespeare, not so much to trump)
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter Life of Pie.
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter A Farewell to Harms.
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter Brave Now World.
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter The Odd Man and the Sea.
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter The Bun Also Rises.
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter Paradise Lest.
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter As I Lay Dyeing.
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter The Stories of Wanton Chekhov.
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter The Canterbury Tiles.
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter One Thousand and One Knights.
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter Hear of Darkness.
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter Muddlemarch.
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter The Pound and the Fury.
@bakiwop
#RuinABookTitleInOneLetter Withering Heights.
@bakiwop
It. twitter.com/ArmandTweets/s…
@bakiwop
do aftermarket rims confer reproductive advantage in the acquisition of mating partners? @DougDeMuro, this might interest you #groovyscience twitter.com/improbresearch…
@bakiwop
@joycevalenza i wonder how different it really is? each generation tries to get away (with friends) from authority, post-mils just do it with phone.
@bakiwop
@SurlyLibrarian when i go to grab the outside book drop, half the time *i* don't trust it with regard to what i might find in it. 😱😨😭
@bakiwop
@jessamyn @panoptigoth i believe neutrality is a red herring. we must be there for all regardless of belief. make all feel welcome until safety is compromised.
@bakiwop
¡great googamooga! an article abt buying your way onto the NY Times & John Smelcer being a conman. books is serious, yo: #breakingb̶a̶d̶book twitter.com/jessamyn/statu…
@bakiwop
@SMBCComics omg! millenials are killing the snow white fairy tale!!! #millenials #killingthings
@bakiwop
@discarding_imgs @BLMedieval @britishlibrary 🎵i'm a lumberjack and i'm okay 🎵
@bakiwop
@GroovyBruce did you ever make that documentary on the lumber industry? recently moved to oregon & thought it'd be fascinating to see it.
@bakiwop
"REMEMBER TO DEMAND THE LIFE-EXTENSION CLAUSE. Satan won’t tell you if you don’t ask but you can get a guarantee..." weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/8069…
@bakiwop
@BeckySchade door county! try hitting up whitefish dunes state park on the lake side for some lovely beaches, great time of year for it.
@bakiwop
@jessamyn "toxic" is 74% toxic yet lots of folks stickin' with the site. "meta?" only 6% toxic.
@bakiwop
@LakeSuperior i seeeeeeeee yoooouuuuu: lakesuperior.com/cams.html
@bakiwop
@netflix @Jonasnes: Jonas Torgersen? you and Jon Iver Helgaker and all the actors/actresses/crew have made one wildly groovy show. good on y'all!
@bakiwop
"norsemen" - wonderful viking comedy #vikingnane #norsemen @netflix grab season 2 stat! nordicdrama.com/vikingane-goes…
@bakiwop
out of the fire and into the frying pan: twincities.com/2017/08/24/fir…
@bakiwop
@jessamyn "library" @ 5% only 1% more than "love" @ 4%. librarian @ 12% hey let's go to the library @ 6% Technology @ 5% read @ 10% learn @ 35%
@bakiwop
spent 15 minutes helping a great grandma install video poker & 30 minutes losing hand after hand to her. #DoneGotHustled #librarylife
@bakiwop
"Frank is 40lb snapping turtle. Frank is a gigantic fucking asshole. WE FUCKING LASSO'D THE SHIT OUTTA YOU FRANK." imgur.com/gallery/NEsxj
@bakiwop
@kent_flarp it looks they're all afraid to look at anybody else. and they all look like they've given up on life. oh dear lord i think i wanna die...
@bakiwop
eclipse 2017: totality begins and the crowd goes wild. #Eclipse2017 pic.twitter.com/xAxVKYNuGK
@bakiwop
eclipse 2017: ten minutes before totality - 1st pic taken with eclipse glasses, 2nd pic taken without eclipse glasses. #Eclipse2017 pic.twitter.com/MKpVcgcsAF
@bakiwop
eclipse 2017: 1st pic taken 30 secs before totality, 2nd pic taken during totality. #totality #totaleclipse #Eclipse2017 pic.twitter.com/jPWwtHTkTw
@bakiwop
best chance to see the eclipse while getting dysentery on the oregon trail. #Eclipse #notsunsquatch twitter.com/williamscraigm…
@bakiwop
bigfoot on sun! (actual photo of sun from alan friedman: alanfriedman.tumblr.com/post/112261795…). #sunsquatch via @BadAstronomer blogs.discovermagazine.com/badastronomy/2…
@bakiwop
best spots to see the eclipse...and bigfoot...at the same time. #sunsquatch! twitter.com/jscarto/status…
@bakiwop
@aprilaser they don't even need your finger anymore: msutoday.msu.edu/news/2016/acce…
@bakiwop
fantastic transcript of voir dire for trial of martin shkreli (jacked up drug prices: AIDS drug 5000%/epi pen 400%) harpers.org/archive/2017/0… pic.twipic.twipic.twipic.twitter.com/12PaH8L9WQ
@bakiwop
police & researchers use tech to spoof fingerprints & unlock phone: msutoday.msu.edu/news/2016/acce…
@bakiwop
when i see pics of folks dressed up like this @ protests i have this horribly fevered thought that it's all just LARPing gone terribly wrong pic.twitter.com/NP3ThrlJr8
@bakiwop
@kent_flarp i'm too cheap for Photoshop - more of a GIMP guy
@bakiwop
@kent_flarp tryin' to cheer you up a day late: pic.twitter.com/NYEYS0cvSG
@bakiwop
we have a library ghost! starts @ one end of the stacks and moves to the other in ~.05 sec. #spooky #library #whoyagonnacall #aintafraidofno pic.twitter.com/VdYq95W5KG
@bakiwop
hot hot hot in the PNW today, folks, here's a list of cooling shelters (including libraries) by county: kgw.com/weather/coolin…
@bakiwop
@LRO_NASA "We like the moon youtube.com/watch?v=wY6ins…
@bakiwop
2 groovy authors - @ChuckWendig & @SamSykesSwears - & a bit of horror story tweet collaboration: twitter.com/SamSykesSwears…
@bakiwop
pizza farms. you know it had to be wisconsin: wisconsinacademy.org/magazine/summe…
Jul 2017
@bakiwop
With apologies to Randall Wallace (writer of "Braveheart") #saturdaylibrarian pic.twitter.com/hj3rWVFRHP
@bakiwop
@GroovyBruce lollygagging so lollygaggingly that i only got one foot in pic. hells canyon, or, to seven devils mountains, id, 19 miles away. pic.twitter.com/azUa691mpM
@bakiwop
Yahcats, OR, public library lookin' to get new digs soon. Congrats Yachats! newslincolncounty.com/archives/184353
@bakiwop
with apologies to aaron sorkin and scott frank (writers of "malice") #saturdaylibrarian pic.twitter.com/vnGtgqe1ya
@bakiwop
"'I think it's really important that we give them the spa treatment,' said Nigel Cook..." #wisconsin #cows 🐄🥛�usnews.com/news/best-stat…Mt0f
@bakiwop
jojo month at @wweek: origin-prod.wweek.arcpublishing.com/pb/pb/tag/jojo…
@bakiwop
a history of one of the grooviest slabs of asphalt west of the mississippi. from the oregon encyclopedia via the folks @OrHist. 🛣️🏍️twitter.com/WU_Library/sta…FBs
@bakiwop
ya know? for folks consumed by lust & the fires of eternal damnation, they seem pretty chill. twitter.com/discarding_img…
@bakiwop
sass, wisdom, snark & lots & lots of tootsie rolls when you help them with something. i love helping seniors & i love me some tootsie rolls. twitter.com/SurlyLibrarian…
@bakiwop
it's the example of librarians like this that i hope i can live up to. absolute horror that she was tanked by politics & bureaucrats. twitter.com/OIF/status/885…
@bakiwop
amazon's "privacy": amazon.com/gp/help/custom… overdrive's "privacy": company.overdrive.com/privacy-policy/ hoopla's "privacy": hoopladigital.com/privacy eep!
@bakiwop
*yes!* looks like today is intellectual freedom reminder day. public libraries *need* to do better for their patrons with 3rd party vendors twitter.com/libraryfreedom…
@bakiwop
oldish but very relevant. this greatly concerns public libraries, 3rd party vendors, & patrons. #intellectualfreedom tinyletter.com/metafoundry/le… twitter.com/jessamyn/statu…
@bakiwop
42 twitter.com/goodreads/stat…
@bakiwop
what happens when the folks you are renting from have cameras set up in and out of the rental house? bendbulletin.com/localstate/540…
@bakiwop
@BrentButt @virginiatv #davidstorey please get @CornerGas & #cornergasanimated on netflix &/or amazon prime for us usa folk. #streamsouth 🙏💻
@bakiwop
time is an illusion. saturday library time doubly so. (with apologies to douglas adams) #saturdaylibrarian
@bakiwop
@michaelzimmer that is a wonderfully restrained and helpful response to a ranty tweet regarding public libraries and patron data. well done you: 👏
@bakiwop
thunder moon comin' right up! list of all the different full moon names here: earthsky.org/astronomy-esse… 🌕twitter.com/NASAmoon/statu…q
@bakiwop
not included in this issue? how public libraries are betraying patrons' privacy & confidentiality to corporate 3rd party providers. #bigdata twitter.com/michaelzimmer/…
@bakiwop
from lincoln city to baker city, hood river to ashland, & all points in between. grab an oregon book & hit the road: oregonlive.com/books/index.ss…
@bakiwop
there truly are times when we have to ignore the intellect of science. #scarf twitter.com/SmithsonianMag…
@bakiwop
Oregon’s 2018-2022 LSTA Five Year Plan was approved by @statelibraryor board & is heading to @US_IMLS. oregon.gov/osl/LD/LSTA/LS…
@bakiwop
@MostlyEnginerd looks good. nice :)
@bakiwop
@LousyLibrarian and *shudders* mimes
@bakiwop
@LibnOfCongress as you wish.
@bakiwop
@MostlyEnginerd #motorcyclehelmet?
@bakiwop
george washington on partisan politics, those who would use it for their own gain, & those of us who let it happen. ourdocuments.gov/print_friendly…) pic.twitter.com/KEOyKOdwDc
@bakiwop
@ThatLibraryChic as well you should have. well done you. i seem to have moved into the silly-ly sarcastic phase of summer reading. #summerreadingneverends 😱
@bakiwop
"lightning bugs are relatively slow-flying insects that flit about with the equivalent of a neon billboard on their butts" �#naturerocksstwitter.com/SmithsonianMag…O
@bakiwop
see if there's a lot going on. look closer, baby, because there's now a walking tour. #cornergas #greatbigplace #nuthinbutspace #happyplace twitter.com/CornerGas/stat…
@bakiwop
i'd love to know the percentage of librarians who purposefully shop at a dispensary a minimum of 2 towns away from the library. #legalganja twitter.com/FakeLibStats/s…
@bakiwop
i think they may have meant that you're gonna get rained on. summer reading: when it rains, it pours 🌧️☂️🌩️🌬️#summerreading20172017twitter.com/ThatLibraryChi…mO8gt1
@bakiwop
@ScottyBonner to be fair, NASA is doing it, too: twitter.com/matthewbaiocch…
@bakiwop
@SusaKatD @dclibraryus oooooooo...that woulda been a good 'un.!
@bakiwop
jupiter has auroras that are bigger than planet earth, hundreds of times more energetic than ours, & never cease: nasa.gov/feature/goddar… twitter.com/NASA360/status…
@bakiwop
imagine how amazing a coordinated drone light show would be! youtu.be/aOd4-T_p5fA?t=… twitter.com/aprilaser/stat…
@bakiwop
oh dear, looks like rex from "napoleon dynamite" has been training some of our country's finest. #rexkwondo #bestofthebest #4thofjuly twitter.com/NASA360/status…
@bakiwop
👏we've got 👏trails 👏yes we 👏do! 👏we've got 👏trails👏how 'bout@TheOregonDesertohcn.org/articles/photo…9uiinstagram.com/delightfulontr…R#ORctwitter.com/netbros/status…I2YOMzGq
@bakiwop
great googagmooga! did we have ventriloquism 26000 years ago? i shudder to think how far back mimes go. #mimelife #dummies #history twitter.com/Jamie_Woodward…
@bakiwop
@MohamedouOuld and thank you, @drogon_dracarys, for sharing this piece from "the other side of the same coin." washingtonpost.com/national/the-w…
@bakiwop
@MohamedouOuld and thank you, @MohamedouOuld, for having the courage to write your book and share you stories and still being able to "Love you ALL."
@bakiwop
when folks have the courage to talk, to listen, to teach, to learn, to reevaluate, & to value. thank you, @MohamedouOuld, for sharing this. twitter.com/LarrySiems/sta…
@bakiwop
@rsnous @robinsloan wth, @nabisco? i don't wanna feed the demonic prayer wheels of the occult, i just want to eat a tasty oreo cookie.#hydrox4life
@bakiwop
@banditref @CornerGas @BrentButt the niggling question remains, however: if you're out of the country fishing in minnesota when you're 18, are you a canadian or an american?
@bakiwop
to #saturdaylibrarian or not to #saturdaylibrarian, that is the question. "librarians" act III scene I (sorry shakespeare!) pic.twitter.com/RE6xvMaWlN
@bakiwop
jackson county showed it can be done. hopefully douglas county can get their libraries reopened. twitter.com/OregonLibrarie…
Jun 2017
@bakiwop
@LakeSuperior i'd bring the salt but keep it fresh. my ulterior motive is superior tweets about your exterior extravaganza of dihydrogen monoxide 🌊⛵️🎣🛶🌅🏖️
@bakiwop
@jessamyn open inquiry with neither scrutinization nor restriction...fine...fine..."public.'
@bakiwop
"Instead, the wings, perhaps powered by abundant oxygen, create a living layer cake of light-manipulating doodads." sciencenews.org/article/blue-w… pic.twitter.com/GhETP46yOf
@bakiwop
@LibnOfCongress gotta be like the cigarette companies: get 'em hooked while they're young! (your way of putting explains why your LibnOC & i'm not, natch)
@bakiwop
listening to 2 older patrons loudly 1-up each other. i married a drunk. me too & i'm depressed. me too & i'm addicted to food. #librarylife
@bakiwop
@NASAHubble simply dial 0118 999 881 999 119 7253 to learn how to pronounce it properly?
@bakiwop
@MFeustle i'm thinkin' coulda been *way* worse: pic.twitter.com/k8lqAPt2DL
@bakiwop
final day for remaining staff @ douglas county library in OR. hopefully they'll pull a josephine county revival soon josephinelibrary.org/library-distri…
@bakiwop
nifty new NASA animation for the august's apoceclipse. beware, lincoln city oregonians, lotta folk headin' your way: lincolncityeclipse.com twitter.com/LRO_NASA/statu…
@bakiwop
la dolce auto. twitter.com/effeffecars/st…
@bakiwop
ftfy: your cat knows that *every* time you get out of bed it *is* breakfast time & why doesn't its hairless ape understand that simple fact? twitter.com/MostlyEnginerd…
@bakiwop
@SurlyLibrarian & here i behaved like such a stereotypical usa'n by acting out before knowing all the facts. please accept my sincerest apologies: pic.twitter.com/Tr6fYBc4uO
@bakiwop
great googamooga: "A team of astronomers at The Ohio State University watched a star disappear and possibly become a black hole." twitter.com/NASAspitzer/st…
@bakiwop
folks, we live in a time where we use pretty shiny vapor to study the ionosphere & the aurora. #groovy nasa.gov/feature/wallop… twitter.com/NASA_Wallops/s…
@bakiwop
@SurlyLibrarian in fact, i despair of it so much i wrote a poem about it (with apologies to shakespeare, natch): pic.twitter.com/Yrn0QCbelv
@bakiwop
@SurlyLibrarian ack! eek! today? today! some of us have been dealing with it for nearly a month already! i hate you so much right now #goshdarnitalltoheck 😣
@bakiwop
this is absolutely amazing. i am gobsmacked by this. it is stupidly absurdly mind-bendingly staggering in its magnificence. #groovy twitter.com/dollyslibrary/…
@bakiwop
jumpin' jehoshaphat! "many of the problems were the same in Rwanda and Vermont—and in fact the rollout has been much easier in Africa" twitter.com/jessamyn/statu…
@bakiwop
¡WHALES! sperm, humpback, finback, minke, beluga & blue whales swim in St. Lawrence River for food & fun: greatlakesecho.org/2017/06/27/gre… #socool
@bakiwop
@EFF does this mean that someone purchasing a domain name will stop the ransom part of all this?
@bakiwop
you simply cannot expect a company to read & understand their terms of service. hey @zillow, you may wanna brush up: zillow.com/corp/Terms.htm twitter.com/Esquiring/stat…
@bakiwop
& the patron who hasn't showered in weeks for "medical reasons" & claims their albino boa constrictor is a service animal is totes slytherin twitter.com/LousyLibrarian…
@bakiwop
official: overdrive app & libby app will coexist, so there are now two confusing & poorly thought out ways for patrons to get ebooks. #eep twitter.com/OverDriveLibs/…
@bakiwop
centuries old superior artwork on a superior lake: greatlakesecho.org/2017/06/26/gre… @LakeSuperior (Lake Superior Provincial Park in Wawa, Ontario)
@bakiwop
the straight-dope on OR dope from not-dopes @statelibraryor. dope. twitter.com/statelibraryor…
@bakiwop
ah yes, back when one had to walk to school uphill both ways in a blizzard in june on saturday at night blindfolded: metv.com/lists/12-reaso…
@bakiwop
i somehow missed this earlier. steve woolfolk is a fantastic librarian who absolutely deserves this acknowledgement. ala.org/news/press-rel…
@bakiwop
one thing the movie beetlejuice teaches us (besides 3rd time's the charm) is that, despite our differences, we can live together in harmony.
@bakiwop
#9? "Pawnee: The Greatest Town in America" is an actual book! worldcat.org/oclc/753302539 buzzfeed.com/hattiesoykan/f… #ParksandRec
@bakiwop
knowing that all the other libraries in all the other times zones are closed but you're still open. west coast #saturdaylibrarian
@bakiwop
sure, let your kid run around the library screaming but as soon as they grab your plumber's butt show you reprimand them #saturdaylibrarian
@bakiwop
neither winter streams, steep mountain paths, nor worn out books stays these librarians from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. twitter.com/jessamyn/statu…
@bakiwop
that's right, sir, i'm afraid you can neither shave nor bathe in our restrooms. they are hygiene-free zones. #saturdaylibrarian
@bakiwop
@Kouban @AriBerman drop the etc. ;)
@bakiwop
@Kouban @AriBerman ooo...i like that. require it for driver's license renewals, student loans, selective service reg, high school grads, joining military, etc.
@bakiwop
well, @OverDriveLibs, i must sarcastically say: you've been as responsive to my questions here as you are useful in most things #overdrive 👎
@bakiwop
hey @OverDriveLibs - it would be really useful for library staff to know if you're gonna keep two e-item apps or get rid of one of them.
@bakiwop
perchance she for whom this highway tolls may be so ill, as that she knows not it tolls for her. hwy tolling in or: opb.org/news/article/o…
@bakiwop
hey @OverDriveLibs - now that y'all have the libby app, will you be deprecating/removing the overdrive app for library patrons?
@bakiwop
clowncartastrophe (Reno 911!, Season 5, Episode 15) pic.twitter.com/VNmEjoUtuy
@bakiwop
@Cabbage_Babble pour one out for our lost bread homie: pic.twitter.com/T9Hy6st7a7
@bakiwop
@filibulg for he who mourns his kia alone. respect. pic.twitter.com/K3QNhHlXXA
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro "nobody seemed to shed a tear for the Kia, except for possibly Filippo" there is no man lonelier than he, who, alone, mourns the unmourned.
@bakiwop
"You want weapons? We're in a library. Books are the best weapon in the world. This room's the greatest arsenal we could have. Arm yourself! twitter.com/goodreads/stat…
@bakiwop
How Oregon implemented the federal Espionage and Sedition Acts during WWI, by @MHelquistWriter. twitter.com/OrHist/status/…
Steph @McKellogs
the guy who brings his own lamp to the archives is back. when I asked him about it last time all he said back was "I'm not fucking around" pic.twitter.com/ba5AwcomxJ
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
La Trobe University
✔
@latrobe
@janeschmidt In Australia, a catalogue search session dies every 8 minutes. You can make a difference ^JK
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
@latrobe @janeschmidt folks, don't let *your* catalogue search session become just another statistic... pic.twitter.com/TDZdWpDvRb
@bakiwop
no selfie stick for the mars rover. curiosity has the grooviest selfie method known to man or machine: youtube.com/watch?v=b2rwWE… twitter.com/MarsCuriosity/…
@bakiwop
@Indie_F1 @XaviGasso well, sure...then there's always the real thing ;)
@bakiwop
what a fantastic way to celebrate the solstice at the library: book stonehenge. twitter.com/Astronimouse/s…
@bakiwop
@SurlyLibrarian ouch! we gotta pour one out for our fallen colleague. pic.twitter.com/EXRIfFzVxZ
@bakiwop
good stuff here! 1) remember that OR has a talking book & braille library: oregon.gov/OSL/TalkingBoo…. 2) join its summer reading program. twitter.com/statelibraryor…
@bakiwop
World Refugee Day today: unhcr.org/refugeeday/. 65.6 million people forcibly displaced in 2016. What does US do? reason.com/blog/2017/06/2…
@bakiwop
Mercy Otis Warren - so badass. She read voraciously, wrote to inspire, & fought for peoples' rights. smithsonianmag.com/history/woman-…
@bakiwop
seems like those damned parks & rec folk are finally musclin' in on those punk-ass book jockeys: chicagotribune.com/suburbs/aurora… #libraries #pandr
@bakiwop
between @CERN's hardon collider & @NASA's probing for gas on Uranus - bgr.com/2017/06/16/ura… - i must say: bravo, world scientists. bravo. twitter.com/anne_theriault…
@bakiwop
- @Cabbage_Babble reminds us of the joy of wikis. my favs: @memoryalpha @openstreetmap @tvtropes uncyclopedia & @WookOfficial to name a few twitter.com/Cabbage_Babble…
@bakiwop
@GGMErie @DougDeMuro but then the district would be gerrymandered and you have to go back over and over again to get the right geographical areas: très sisyphean
@bakiwop
also: always remember, folks, by using a library's electronic materials ur @ the mercy of 3rd party privacy policies denverite.com/ebooks-hold-ne…
@bakiwop
here's your nugs, what's your hurry? gas, grass, & pass in eastern Oregon. twitter.com/amandapeacher/…
@bakiwop
hangs around a lot in the great lakes, now it's gettin' salty. here's hopin' it made the trip through the @thepanamacanal. #westcoastbigduck twitter.com/KING5Seattle/s…
@bakiwop
@SusaKatD that is an amazing story. i'd seen you were working there but didn't know it had been around for you you entire life. i'm so very sorry.
@bakiwop
The Last Library Just Closed in Douglas County, Oregon (HBO): youtube.com/watch?v=id6jZ0…
@bakiwop
- @HRBlock bragging about partnering with @IBMWatson to maximize refunds highlights just how complicated & byzantine u.s. tax codes are. 🤮
@bakiwop
I'm tryin', baby. i'm tryin'. pic.twitter.com/J95bUprvAr
@bakiwop
integrity, information literacy, & lotsa hugs -- or -- don't spread false info for personal gain, evaluate info sources, & love, baby, love. twitter.com/dangillmor/sta…
@bakiwop
with apologies to samuel taylor coleridge and @LousyLibrarian. #saturdaylibrarian #kublakhan pic.twitter.com/I84e5Je0xL
@bakiwop
@ScottyBonner if you don't stop now, and I mean right now, you may never come back from the 80s abyss. #rockthecasbah #whendovescry #girlsjustwannahavefun
@bakiwop
@davidmullings @Sarah_Smarsh they have to find a way to fill those for-profit prisons: foxbusiness.com/features/2017/…, cnn.com/2017/05/19/pol…
@bakiwop
fascinating write-up of the @Reezlie/@theintercept leak: timeline, mistakes, trade craft insights, & ideas for improvement. #realitywinner twitter.com/thegrugq/statu…
@bakiwop
@Sarah_Smarsh "reversed hand with middle finger extended (medium lt skin tone)" - that'll show 'em! *sideways outfacing fist with thumb extended upwards*
@bakiwop
oooooo - brian wiliams actually shot down (this time) by @Sarah_Smarsh while making a claim about flyovers. wise up, #brianwilliams! 🛫 🇺twitter.com/Sarah_Smarsh/s…yLG
@bakiwop
books can help teach things like integrity, courage, how to spot monsters, & that there is, indeed, a bit of magic all around us #acciobooks twitter.com/jk_rowling/sta…
@bakiwop
but if everybody knows their password they can ask anybody for it when they need it #multifactorauthentication twitter.com/LousyLibrarian…
@bakiwop
Comey Comey Comey, can't u see Sometimes ur words just hypnotize me & I just love ur Trump stories Guess that's why they called, damn SIC
@bakiwop
Potential title: When Curiosity Killed The Splat. @emsque rockin' the sciences.& the spiders can *see* the *moon*! theatlantic.com/science/archiv…
@bakiwop
@jessamyn there's a perfectly valid reason for that "no" - youtube.com/watch?v=MYjFKs…
@bakiwop
Riddle, OR library reopens 3 days/week staffed solely with volunteers. Some other Douglas County libraries do same: nrtoday.com/news/local/sou…
@bakiwop
@janeschmidt "He described many librarians as ‘passive,’ who won’t stand up for what they need." & here i thought we fought for freedom &, well, everyone
@bakiwop
Where there is despair: vocativ.com/434974/douglas… there is hope: co.douglas.or.us/minutes_libtas…. Fight the good fight, Douglas County, Oregon!
@bakiwop
fantastic! "open inquiry w/o scrutinization while seeking & receiving info w/o restriction." w/ so much connected tech this is so important! twitter.com/KateMSpaulding…
@bakiwop
@AJEnglish @AJUpFront i really dig that you caption your videos. that's simply fantastic. thanks!
@bakiwop
the big question seems to be, "'smart' for who?" (who? whom? that always did trip me up.) twitter.com/robhorning/sta…
@bakiwop
@janeschmidt why wouldn't you ask somebody to move who was blocking access to the library?
@bakiwop
@flexlibris another good thread: twitter.com/leahmcelrath/s… via @leahmcelrath & @wbm312. explained simply for someone like me w/o knowledge on these things
@bakiwop
Remember, folks: It's not easy being green. youtube.com/watch?v=51BQfP…
@bakiwop
The Tougaloo Nine. The St. Helena Four. Defend intellectual freedom. Serve all members of your community. Public libraries must be for all. twitter.com/amlibraries/st…
@bakiwop
@janeschmidt my guess? they're hiding wherever the fax machine is hidden away, wisely staying away from profs and coworkers
@bakiwop
@libshipwreck and forget the phone, too: bbc.com/news/technolog…
@bakiwop
frank lloyd wright goes to the dogs: franklloydwright.org/event/doghouse… via @smithsonian & @OrHist
@bakiwop
@JCLILIBRARY @statelibraryor a fact y'all proved a bit ago: twitter.com/JCLILIBRARY/st… well done @JCLILIBRARY!
@bakiwop
the surprising gamut of emotions brought on by a post about summer reading: 😁😐😏😒twitter.com/LousyLibrarian…8ZfKBNI
@bakiwop
groovy oregon coast weather phenomena: green flashes, summer in february, & novaya zemlaya. beachconnection.net/news/phenwea06…
@bakiwop
- @DougDeMuro, when do we get a worth it/not worth it for the rolls-royce sweptail? press.rolls-roycemotorcars.com/rolls-royce-mo… pic.twitter.com/ak4f2uBpRm
@bakiwop
find the nutritional value of home cooking with @Wolfram_Alpha. example? kick ass buttermilk syrup: wolframalpha.com/input/?i=1.5+c… pic.twitter.com/7p2Y6Y6YUy
@bakiwop
the original, and the replies, are fantastic. twitter.com/RogueNASA/stat…
@bakiwop
yes! so glad the public is supporting @lesleywilliams! this, and only this, will save her from horrible administrators. twitter.com/jshine1224/sta…
@bakiwop
" pro-business groups...argue that these messages should not qualify as calls and...should be exempt from consumer protection laws" twitter.com/wbm312/status/…
@bakiwop
"Here is a list of 41 detainees currently held at Guantánamo, and their status, as of Jan. 19, 2017." This is still happening. twitter.com/MohamedouOuld/…
@bakiwop
nice. the #saturdaylibrarian is also a sandy spit protecting management from sea of patrons while slowly being worn away to nothing. twitter.com/LousyLibrarian…
@bakiwop
"They may have been phony in the past, but it's very real now." Spicer quoting Trump on jobs report nums from BLS: whitehouse.gov/the-press-offi…
@bakiwop
patrons seem to be rallying around @lesleywilliams dailynorthwestern.com/2017/05/05/cit… & dailynorthwestern.com/2017/05/11/cit… will it be enough? bad admins suck. twitter.com/jessamyn/statu…
@bakiwop
i gotta tell ya, tho, those books look to be in good condition & we're always goin' on & on about gettin' kids more involved in STEM. #lfl twitter.com/CILIPinfo/stat…
@bakiwop
universal healthcare that's better than any proposed/actual system the u.s. has now: youtube.com/watch?v=_Ug6gA… #alienabductionhealthcareact
@bakiwop
Jackie Sutton, volunteer since 1974, steals the show in this piece on the Douglas County Library System in Oregon closing. You rock, Jackie! twitter.com/OregonLibrarie…
@bakiwop
to be fair, @ the end of the great war of monsters they all decide to share the earth which is more than we're managing #kumbayamothefuckers twitter.com/Bibliocracy/st…
@bakiwop
- @OrHist curates oregonencyclopedia.org giving "definitive, authoritative information about the State of Oregon." #groovy #beaverstate #or
@bakiwop
Summer reading program has begun: Now is the summer of our discontent. (with sincerest apologies to Shakespeare) pic.twitter.com/JJvzaVaZJs
@bakiwop
"it could suggest that the mind is capable of overcoming physics with free will," or, flying: throw yourself at the ground and miss #dna #42 twitter.com/pymander/statu…
@bakiwop
the @statelibraryor digital collection celebrates 50 years of OR public beaches (all 363 miles, yo) digital.osl.state.or.us/islandora/obje… #thepeoplescoast
@bakiwop
@LousyLibrarian youtube.com/watch?v=h1Pfrm…
May 2017
@bakiwop
it just occurred to me that the #cofveve is going to be the title of a trump biography.
@bakiwop
@davidleeking do youtube videos count? @corvallislib's "Lib Lab" in Corvallis, OR: a "fun, educational video series" cbcpubliclibrary.net/liblab/
@bakiwop
bots are busier than humans on the internet. the good news? they're so busy tweeting that they don't have time to overthrow humanity. twitter.com/aprilaser/stat…
@bakiwop
remember, library folk. we must be more like cigarette companies: get those kids hooked while they're young! #postersession #alaac17 #ala
@bakiwop
hey @ljbphd! accessibility ideas from @AbletoInclude developing accessibility layer for folks with #IntellectualDisabilities (via @jessamyn)
@bakiwop
@ScottyBonner @The_Pigeon i always wonder, if someone is talking out of their butt while they're sitting down, does it sound muffled?
@bakiwop
Trump wishes Muslims "joyful Ramadan" while taking Muslim travel ban to SCOTUS. MN State Rep. Ilhan Omar (@IlhanMN) responds beautifully. twitter.com/MohamedouOuld/…
@bakiwop
it was the sexual innuendo & potty mouth that folks had problems with, not the marginalization of an entire culture? cbldf.org/2017/05/alexie…
@bakiwop
"Suggested names included “bookweevil,”…”libracide,” “booklooter,” “bookbum,” “culture vulture,” …with the winning entry being “booksneak.""
@bakiwop
1930s publishers ran a contest to “look for a pejorative word for the book borrower, the wretch who raised hell with book sales." twitter.com/EFF/status/868…
@bakiwop
@geekandahalf but you don't like what i like. doesn't that mean i have to hate you and tear you down? i'm so confused! gonna go eat some cake donuts now.🍩
@bakiwop
@Deadpool1973 @MohamedouOuld @kerstenpr @GeorgeTakei i believe y'all speak truth on this. twitter.com/matthewbaiocch…
@bakiwop
unfortunately, many americans need to hear stories like this as a reminder that islamic terrorists don't terrorize only white westerners. twitter.com/AJEnglish/stat…
@bakiwop
reduce crime, decrease poverty, improve lives, & save lots of money? put fewer folk in prison & everyone wins. twitter.com/TheEconomist/s…
@bakiwop
@AJEnglish unfortunately, many americans need to hear stories like this as a reminder that islamic terrorists don't terrorize only white westerners.
@bakiwop
"the pure...cries of babies...drive out demons." in related news, all babies currently in our library are working on becoming demon free 👹/�twitter.com/AJEnglish/stat…bl
@bakiwop
@coryrmoore @DougDeMuro @BentleyGoldIL this is like one of those big foot photos, too blurry to properly make out the subject yet we hope it's true. omg! demuro is sasquatch!!!
@bakiwop
@geekandahalf bah! the media lies again! everyone knows the best donuts are cake donuts, not yeast donuts. stop spreading misinformation msm!!!
@bakiwop
@LousyLibrarian oh no you don't! my #saturdaylibrarian shift doesn't even start for 2 more hours & it's already the longest one ever. WEIRD BUT TRUE 🤪
@bakiwop
@mcquillanator by any chance CATholic? catholicliturgicals.com/index.php?URL=…
@bakiwop
@cwbookreaders @MohamedouOuld everything after the word "superiority' is completely unnecessary here.
@bakiwop
@jk_rowling it got better, though: twitter.com/HawaiiDelilah/…
@bakiwop
folk are working hard to keep libraries goin' in douglas county, oregon: nrtoday.com/news/governmen… #oregon #libraries
@bakiwop
summer reading program: creating smiling enthusiastic literacy in kids & abject soul-crushing horror in staff since '87. 😃/�#SummerReadingng
@bakiwop
murdered kids. murdered adults. ruin from fear & hatred & ignorance. incited by "leaders." we are here for each other: love, learn, live.
@bakiwop
@kgs be the change (of clothes) you want to see in the world
@bakiwop
@geekandahalf i was thinkin' more "turn down for what." macron knows trump is humpin' & shittin' & infectin' his way through so many folk on planet earth.
@bakiwop
@FakeLibStats which, of course, brings up the old brain teaser; if a sign is put up in a library & no one reads it, is it really there?
@bakiwop
@janeschmidt @Apple oooo, that's always horrible. especially when they haven't been connecting their ipad to a computer to sync with itunes. bad, @Apple. bad!
@bakiwop
@aprilaser *sad trombone*
@bakiwop
very important to include captions in instructional videos to make them as accessible as possible! wonderful work by @AccessWGBH twitter.com/jessamyn/statu…
@bakiwop
wollongong (australia, natch) city librarians making a #towelday instructional video: facebook.com/wollongongcity…
@bakiwop
@geekandahalf i don't know. she got caps, pluralized conventions, & the date right but misspelled geneva...definitely not an import. domestic car ok?
@bakiwop
#GNUTerryPratchett twitter.com/Discworld_com/…
@bakiwop
@geekandahalf ice cream. definitely ice cream!
@bakiwop
help my favorite octogenarian fix her laptop so she can watch reruns of her favorite show: run's house (@RealJojoSimmons). #librarianlife
@bakiwop
yes! a thousand times yes! If we must use 3rd party services we must let patrons know about the privacy issues! twitter.com/librarychristi…
@bakiwop
@jessamyn that's *very* interesting: when companies neglect their terms of service & we just ignore them, what happens?
@bakiwop
serializing audiobooks @torbooks & @jengunnels describes their books as "good, gooey, wonderful, fannish, delightful, geeky wondrousness." 🤘
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro vending machine in singapore for ferraris and lamborghinis twitter.com/GreatDismal/st…
@bakiwop
Why Lake Superior Is the Country's Most Overlooked Playground: outsideonline.com/2183826/superi… wonderfully groovy article by @stephanieapears
@bakiwop
President's FY18 budget cuts IMLS by 90%, leaving just enough to close down the agency. infodocket.com/2017/05/23/pre… twitter.com/kishizuka/stat…
@bakiwop
World Turtle Day today. Celebrate by getting your Great A'Tuin on: worldcat.org/search?qt=worl… at your library. #discworld @terryandrob
@bakiwop
Twitter gettin' uncool: "if you use the new opt-out that Twitter plans to offer...Twitter keeps tracking" Follow @EFF link for info & help! twitter.com/EFF/status/867…
@bakiwop
How Denver Public Library Balances Books and Being A Homeless Shelter: cpr.org/news/story/how…. More social workers in the library.
@bakiwop
"to bring back prisoners into the mainstream and to rehabilitate them through the medium of knowledge and education" tribune.com.pk/story/1415057/… twitter.com/KPonRise/statu…
@bakiwop
Soul removal, missal, France ca. 1470-1475 @BeineckeLibrary via @discarding_imgs pic.twitter.com/rPCEXAhlKp
@bakiwop
folks with some of the most extremely grotesque ideologies in the world open a Global Centre for Combating Extremist Ideology. twitter.com/guardian/statu…
@bakiwop
British artist visits 16 lost libraries along the Silk Road in epic motorbike trip scmp.com/magazines/post…
@bakiwop
For these Philly librarians, drug tourists and overdose drills are part of the job: philly.com/philly/columni…
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro dang! pic.twitter.com/fV9aRfXw8k
@bakiwop
@jessamyn @cspan thanks a lot, obama...
@bakiwop
@ScottyBonner dear flying spaghetti monster in beer volcano heaven above! ya don't even have to get through all of it. although ya can try, if you dare!!!
@bakiwop
@MotherJones please tell Lakhdar Boumediene we knew about it & not all chose to look away, we just elected a president who lied about closing it.
Apr 2017
Matt Haig
✔
@matthaig1
Libraries aren't just about books. They are almost the only public space we have left which don't like our wallets more than us.
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
@ScottyBonner maybe they complimented you on vomiting and sweating less than you used to? ;)
@bakiwop
@salawm @CloseEnough22 0118 999 88199 9119 725 3
@bakiwop
@david_moses @CornerGas it was the movie. :)
@bakiwop
In the last 12 days @LakeSuperior has risen nearly 1 inch, corresponding to 550 billion gallons of water: mlive.com/weather/index.… - fresh!
Feb 2017
@bakiwop
@FakeLibStats add "just a quick question" to that. it's never a quick question.
@bakiwop
@drtimlomas what's the term for just now realizing you need more untranslatable emotions in your life?
@bakiwop
@BrentButt as funny as Eric Peterson saying, "Street Legal sucks!" in @CornerGas :)
Jan 2017
@bakiwop
@LakeSuperior cold thing coldly colding on a cold cold night
Sep 2016
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro you know, uh, technically, since you're on *that* side of the sign and all... ;)
@bakiwop
pic.twitter.com/n6wVgP0bnC
Aug 2016
@bakiwop
@DebeySklenar nice find, debey!
@bakiwop
theguardian.com/world/2016/aug… pic.twitter.com/Vh9YB72XSp
@bakiwop
@HeyLibraraman i found consistently working more useful than a consistent workspace. did play "turn down for what" repititively b4 class tho
Jul 2016
@bakiwop
@LakeSuperior no "all the above" option?! ;)
Jun 2016
@bakiwop
@BeckySchade isn't that just the kind of sign a chainsaw murderer would put up, though? :)
@bakiwop
@stefstef13 we got close(ish)...we tried pic metadata and using that info we found other avenues to pursue ;)...good luck :)
@bakiwop
proof of who rocks hardest, the planes of angela merkel, françois hollande & iron maiden side by side in zurich? twitter.com/mathieuvonrohr…
May 2016
@bakiwop
@JessicaLister2 you can get a million billion "no's," but it only takes one "yes." you've got this!
@bakiwop
@ljbphd are you playing global thermonuclear war with your students again? :) #al590cyber
Apr 2016
@bakiwop
money as means to an end or as endgame itself
@bakiwop
love ::: magnificentruin.com/post/142347307… pic.twitter.com/l7okEuIGyi
@bakiwop
Oh dear. #PanamaPapers twitter.com/ghoshworld/sta…
Mar 2016
@bakiwop
listening to sweet caroline by neil diamond at 10:08 pm in a laundromat on a monday night #librarianrockstarlifestyle
lourdes @gossipgriII
using microsoft word *moves an image 1 mm to the left* all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
post-work walk. pic.twitter.com/ae15kCFbVw
@bakiwop
beautiful end to a beautiful day pic.twitter.com/lRmNqChmfq
Feb 2016
Mike Young Academy @MkeYoungAcademy
The word 'huh' exists in every spoken language on Earth. @DingemanseMark at #IgNobel #UCPH: ow.ly/YS9Qm pic.twitter.com/Zegj34LUjv
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
leo wins an oscar? trump taken seriously? abe vigoda dead? we've gone down the rabbit hole, folks.
@bakiwop
@etches i was thinkin' a stack of librarians, but how about a "catalog," an "authority," an "aide," or a "sheesh." groovy question!
@bakiwop
don't cry, ray liotta...if you start crying, i'll start crying...it'll be ok...hey! who's got your nose?! i do! :) pic.twitter.com/LnZgSBMhh0
@bakiwop
facebook loves me! @facebook really loves me! @Twitter - no chocolates, no cards...where's the love, @Twitter? pic.twitter.com/8ThpceZzSs
@bakiwop
is there anything sweeter than a homemade valentine's day card? pic.twitter.com/K9WB9HxHlq
@bakiwop
I Am So Sick Of Ad-Based Social Media Sites, he complained on an ad-based social media site. I Miss The Old Internet. #blink_tag_4_life
Jan 2016
@bakiwop
@gbwhitmore @bobbyuaslis y'all remember during orientation when we toured the football museum? there were bobble heads being cataloged!
@bakiwop
saturday mornin' chillin' pic.twitter.com/PxakJow84G
@bakiwop
Oregon coast pic.twitter.com/i45mRGlds2
@bakiwop
la vida seattle pic.twitter.com/eLBLHMkC0a
Dec 2015
@bakiwop
"Therapeutic Bigfoot" - Possibly the greatest book...in the world: awfullibrarybooks.net/therapeutic-bi… (unfortunately, no WorldCat entry to link to!)
@bakiwop
@PBeyer ah man...i sure do miss snow...you lucky son of a gun
@bakiwop
library materials aren't free...think of them more as the complimentary breakfast you get after a good night's rest at your hotel.
Ceej @ceejoyner
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger's job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
possible anthropology dissertation: death by consumption over the ages- from dinosaurs to tuberculosis to consumerism...how folk die.
@bakiwop
Breaking News: "Sounds like a 24/7 news outlet" is the new "Sounds like a broken record." More at 9, 9:10, 9:17, 9:35, 9:52, & on the 12s.
@bakiwop
@LakeSuperior pic.twitter.com/yfV0p6O7iM
@bakiwop
she loves me...she loves me not... pic.twitter.com/AKopPd3v85
@bakiwop
Well gosh darnit all to heck if there isn't actually a Cheeseville, WI - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheesevil… & google.com/maps/place/Che…
@bakiwop
Interviewer: Give an example of how you think outside the box. Me: I cogitate outside the portmanteau. Interviewer: We'll get back to you.
@bakiwop
@BrentButt In CG s2e4 Davis picks up Lacey @ 730p for globophobe meeting, but sign @ meeting states it starts @ 7p. How?! ;) #AbsurdlyPicky
@bakiwop
the disposable commidification of human beings in our society by @ElSaborAsiatico: enemyofjoy.com/?p=1686
@bakiwop
all that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream - edgar allan poe pic.twitter.com/dfi5OXNulx
@bakiwop
everything's so green - mel brooks as king louis xvi in history of the world: part i pic.twitter.com/1IIUNca6bE
@bakiwop
tears are only water pic.twitter.com/WVcMnJMQWg
@bakiwop
heaven's got parking lots pic.twitter.com/TxdSUFxper
@bakiwop
heaven's got powerboats pic.twitter.com/CXN3YlPkZW
@bakiwop
today a daisy...tomorrow a daisy...every day a daisy... pic.twitter.com/zMqiT9983h
@bakiwop
paper beats rock pic.twitter.com/erortIZuT1
@bakiwop
big pimpin' pic.twitter.com/tbCv3GGO3x
@bakiwop
rock climb and chill...meet swirly and slimy...the grooviest gastropoda this side of the mississippi pic.twitter.com/xHu72k5II2
@bakiwop
stephen king ain't got nuthin' on this mist pic.twitter.com/EwM5EvHC74
@bakiwop
picnic of the doomed pic.twitter.com/xZrpdA8bXj
@bakiwop
some enchanted evening pic.twitter.com/xLKdFUjJHM
@bakiwop
the walk to work pic.twitter.com/0QTIPsplE7
Nov 2015
@bakiwop
"Be a Tool: How to Better Serve Patrons" is probably not a good title for a library conference presentation on how to properly help patrons.
@bakiwop
howdy @hulu: you've all these nifty search features (hulu.com/help/articles/…) but no option to limit search to subscription free material?
Oct 2015
@bakiwop
"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the TV show." #FinishedIt @AshvsEvilDead @GroovyBruce
Sep 2015
@bakiwop
i have failed you super blood moon...failed you deeply. pic.twitter.com/eDxRVVbSnk
@bakiwop
do the security folk who hand the pope babies to kiss during the motorcade ever give the babies back to the wrong parents?
@bakiwop
he is called "el rojo." have you ever seen a creature of such regal bearing? won playing darts. pic.twitter.com/dCLJBo6oBF
@bakiwop
@temmons9 excellent...always good to get to talk to ya
@bakiwop
@temmons9 i think it is system preferences, date and time, clock tab checkbox reading "announce the time," & set "on the hour." did it work?
Aug 2015
@bakiwop
@temmons9 good morning! hope you're doing well!
@bakiwop
"My First Necronomicon" by Abdul Alhazred teaches kids to read & prepares their souls for consumption by Cthulhu: uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/UnBooks:M…
@bakiwop
i'm not 100% sure, but i think i may possibly have invalidated my @oriswatches warranty... pic.twitter.com/aTn7nG7Ycl
Jul 2015
@bakiwop
studs terkel interview with shel silverstein: popuparchive.com/collections/93…. more studs terkel interviews here: studsterkel.org
@bakiwop
Gimme Cheap Liquor In A Dirty Glass, he told the barkeep as he sidled up to the stool. The Cheapest And Dirtiest You Got.
@bakiwop
when breeches split in the rear, do they becomes breaches?
Jun 2015
@bakiwop
Alas, poor Oris! I knew him, Horatio; a timepiece of infinite jest, most excellent fancy...& now my gorge rises at it pic.twitter.com/sRrvkanjDS
@bakiwop
#ridin pic.twitter.com/TlLxXdms9d
Mister Pants @ElSaborAsiatico
Just leaving this here as my reaction to every political news story for the next year and a half pic.twitter.com/oXZ7KqVvjH
May 2015
@bakiwop
nice night to wait for a tow... pic.twitter.com/QKdKdybIWn
@bakiwop
she done got a flat & the coffee shop's closed...what a cruel cruel world pic.twitter.com/uM0UaMbz61
@bakiwop
#whereweridintonext pic.twitter.com/g2ImHDwRYa
@bakiwop
bloomberg.com/news/articles/… - @jpmorgan, @Barclays, @RBSGroup, & @Citi plead guilty to currency rigging & manipulating price of $ & €...pay fine.
@bakiwop
@AccordingtoDena that is an awesome project - i never would have thought of doing something like that...very creative & wonderful execution!
@bakiwop
@AdaClare I know! When I did some video stuff earlier in the year I got soooooo sick of hearing my own voice!
@bakiwop
pacific northwest morning pic.twitter.com/kGt3voU9iA
@bakiwop
@AccordingtoDena excellent!
@bakiwop
it'd be a calm grandma, of course, @temmons9 - call it the grandma positioning system, making sure body & mind are in the proper place.
@bakiwop
@temmons9 Tim! Good to hear from ya! Good morning to you. You don't think grandma gps would be comforting in stressful situations? ;)
@bakiwop
we need gps in a grandma voice: I’m Afraid You Should Have Taken A Left There, Dearie. It's OK. Have A Butterscotch, Then Make A U-Turn.
@bakiwop
@AccordingtoDena i created the widget in twitter, then copied the url and put it in our wordpress twitter timeline widget #SocMedInfo
@bakiwop
i've gotten cable tv after many years away & can truly say that the biggest button, by far, on the tv remote should be the mute button
@bakiwop
ridin' with the king #BBKing pic.twitter.com/NPAcXzlAwe
@bakiwop
ridin' the bridge over deception pass pic.twitter.com/L01L8sbDdn
@bakiwop
@AccordingtoDena I'm just awful at reader's advisory, so I'm gonna go with @LibraryThing's recs ;) librarything.com/work/14291423/… #SocMedInfo
@bakiwop
ridin' to the snow-capped peaks after workin' on #SocMedInfo pic.twitter.com/Pn5NNy8eZ1
@bakiwop
@AccordingtoDena no worries, Dena....you'll be stuck with me at some point!
@bakiwop
@AccordingtoDena thank you, Dena, i'd love to, but i've already been talking with Kyle & Christy about a group (Pacific Northwest represent)
@bakiwop
Mystery picture...anyone have any ideas what this might be a pic of? #confused #SocMedInfo pic.twitter.com/wX4ZRuuEiT
@bakiwop
@AccordingtoDena @lindseyy_2012 - good to see ya! got my #SocMedInfo twitter search widget up & running on the site: mbaiocchi.wordpress.com
@bakiwop
ridin' into the mountains pic.twitter.com/T9BrfeNWwH
Apr 2015
@bakiwop
so @DougDeMuro ... when do you start filling in for @JeremyClarkson in @BBC_TopGear?
@bakiwop
folks....we live in a world where you can buy bubble wrap in BULK! what a glorious time to be alive. pic.twitter.com/UAoTV25a0l
@bakiwop
from @drewtoothpaste: the definition of insanity is repeating the definition of insanity over and over again - toothpastefordinner.com/index.php?date…
@bakiwop
@PBeyer the way you tell stories, the wonderful way you tell life stories with that bit of humor thrown in, there's gold in dem dar hills
@bakiwop
@PBeyer throw in divorce/kids/unemployment/general life stories....call it "oh man" - your storytelling and drawing...it would be amazing
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you know if you're looking for inspiration for a great original comic your unemployed/wonderful kids life is a good place to start?
Mar 2015
@bakiwop
@PBeyer nah, man...I know that one isn't yours...I just think you should have a "yours," ya dig?
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you know....with your talent for storytelling and drawing...I always hoped you do a cartoon.
@bakiwop
this person *really* loves pudding pic.twitter.com/bsl5td9hYc
@bakiwop
why am i always so sad & filled with existential dread after talking to customer service reps from cable, credit card & cellphone companies?
@bakiwop
@momorgan too soon? ;)
@bakiwop
@PBeyer poor poor triceratops!
@bakiwop
@momorgan all the better to see you with, my dear...
@bakiwop
home sweet home...for now...duh dum duuuuuuuuuum pic.twitter.com/zX84vO81Sv
@bakiwop
pretty fly for a wifi pic.twitter.com/hJYumaTwc5
@bakiwop
@temmons9 hiya tim, for removing DRM you may want to check out apprentice alf's blog: apprenticealf.wordpress.com
@bakiwop
we're gonna call this one: kids' bikes in front of liquor store pic.twitter.com/5ynhFMcQIk
@bakiwop
@ElSaborAsiatico be the change you want to see in the world ;)
@bakiwop
7mm pass, yo!
Feb 2015
@bakiwop
@PBeyer come on over here, big guy, i'll groom ya
@bakiwop
he wandered the aisles of walmart, intentionally setting off the motion audio adverts so someone would talk to him.
@bakiwop
Need to find an athlete named Yuri so I can star a fan club called Yuri Nation #10YearOldHumor
@bakiwop
morality? let me tell you, my friend...morality is a long, slippery slope...and it's one that i don't intend on sliding down any time soon.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro - another writer writing on cars: Hunter S. Thompson justifies car rental expenses: pic.twitter.com/oEDaXLhICp - via @LettersOfNote
@bakiwop
Viva la Belgium!...@Belgique_info: "#Belgium morning news is out! paper.li/Belgique_info/… … Stories via... @PacPlastic94102 @matthewbaiocchi"
jessamyn west
✔
@jessamyn
Fifty Shades of Grey book in Belgium library tests positive for herpes… and cocaine. #jokewritesitself #icanteven nydailynews.com/entertainment/…
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
McD's: Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order? Me: May I have a moment, please? McD's: That'll be $5.99, please pull around.
@bakiwop
if knowledge is power and ignorance is bliss just how happy am i knowing how powerful i am knowing how little i actually know?
@bakiwop
now just how could i get past these two semis who are pacing each other...hmmmmmm... pic.twitter.com/k1PEZvTQpd
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare wait....what? we're allowed to ask that? why didn't anybody tell me!
@bakiwop
damnit, universe...amuse me!!!
@bakiwop
"Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back" - theonion.com/articles/healt… @TheOnion
@bakiwop
@PBeyer duck and cover, bro...duck and cover
@bakiwop
@BrentButt i wouldn't try it, a tax man will dog ya....new tax man motto - don't write off, right on!
Jan 2015
@bakiwop
i almost didn't fill the hold for @rainbowrowell's "attachments" just so i could reread it *again*. #ThePerilsOfTheLibraryLife
@bakiwop
@PBeyer nah, mate....if you're hanging with the young'ns ya gotta go with the ipod touch from best buy.
@bakiwop
that moment when you're struggling to finish a large @FiveGuys fry & "eye of the tiger" comes over the sound system. #EyeOfTheTIger #Adrian
@bakiwop
@PBeyer emo all up in this twitter, yo
@bakiwop
we dream not for the hope of what we could become but for the sorrow of who we are.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer "Try to see life and your place in it as it really is" isn't that what usually causes an existential crisis in the first place?
@bakiwop
"Do Right By DVD" - the complete & unabridged usage & care instructions for the dvd version of "the mask." pic.twitter.com/V2AVGwVKBk
@bakiwop
@lowtax @PBeyer even classier? ask their k/d ratio...
@bakiwop
old scool ad&d...at your library...the place to be...don't ya see...& it's all free...for you and me...at the library pic.twitter.com/7d0hF4eHLP
@bakiwop
Wanna piss off someone you dislike for only $9.99? Send 'em some stupid fucking glitter guaranteed to go everywhere: shipyourenemiesglitter.com
@bakiwop
hey @BrentButt wisconsin can do ya 1 better: we don't have a liquor/insurance store, but we do have a bar/gun shop: pinterest.com/pin/1674073111…
@bakiwop
Ethel, she shouted over the heavy bass beat, smiling a glow stick denture smile while casting aside her walker, This New Hip Is Off Da Hook!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer right?
@bakiwop
Happy "Your Magic Potions Don’t Do Shit Anymore Day!" - girlsareprettyforever.tumblr.com/post/107410720…
Arrun Degenhardt @ArrunDeg
'Bullshit Jobs' advert on the tube today from the good folks @strikeyo strikemag.org/bullshit-jobs/ #jobs pic.twitter.com/qQss1QQMEA
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
archive.org/details/softwa… - @internetarchive has about 2400 classic DOS games playable in your browser. it's a brave, new world, folks.
@bakiwop
if that isn't just the happiest face on a caught fish ever. "thank you for rescuing me from my watery realm," it says pic.twitter.com/Ky4SJ8A8Di
Dec 2014
@bakiwop
1st annual tiddlywinks tourney. All levels of players welcome. Spectators welcome. Cheer for your favorite team! pic.twitter.com/Y70AggN6FY
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare so good!
@bakiwop
"If you have not known suffering, love me." - Jenny Offill, "Dept. of Speculation" worldcat.org/oclc/842880677
@bakiwop
after 19 years i still have a crush on my wife.
@bakiwop
i wholeheartedly believe pie makers are doing god's work. blessed are the pie makers, for they will be called children of god - Matthew 5:9.
@bakiwop
@ElSaborAsiatico You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry I Don't Like Ya Now. Now I'm Angry. (rips shirt. turns green) Still Don't Like Ya.
@bakiwop
wiretaps, torture, police militarization, drone kills, huge corporate bailouts, superpacs? meh. pull "the interview" from theaters? uproar.
@bakiwop
@questingvole @momorgan only worldwide? what about when we colonize the solar system? these lawyers, always thinking so small & short-term.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you're that guy....you know...that one guy....THAT guy....yeah...you're that guy.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer hey! i know you!
Nov 2014
@bakiwop
There's nothing on. pic.twitter.com/ycXspCCEu0
Mister Pants @ElSaborAsiatico
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death my right to tediously bloviate about my disagreement.
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
there comes a time in every person's life when they have to start trying to live the life they see every day in their @tumblr feed.
Andy Bastable @andybastable
Remember that we've chased down a comet the size of a town travelling at 40,000mph 4 billion miles away by slingshotting around two planets.
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro i don't know, my man, if you wrote about the whole process & chose a zany enough car i think you could pull off crowdfunding.
@bakiwop
learning humility is humiliating...having humility is not.
Oct 2014
@bakiwop
@pedantrix @ElSaborAsiatico nice, hannah :) i don't know deadward, she kinda hit it out of the park with that one.
@bakiwop
Rotation Of The Earth? Son, Until You Feel The Rotation Of The Milky Way Galaxy Around The Great Attractor Itself You Aren't Truly Hammered!
@bakiwop
my wife is now, officially, the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything
Corner Gas
✔
@CornerGas
Not a lot going on? Not anymore! Watch the official trailer for #CornerGasMovie in theatres for only 5 days! Dec 3-7 ow.ly/DbFQb
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare #FrankSinatraThatiTunes
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare #BurgerKingThatiTunes
@bakiwop
i'm a bit concerned that so much of my interaction with people these days is based on financial transactions.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you back? why the heck you aren't a writer is beyond me... good yarn, yo...good to see you post again
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare Ramen! It's about gosh darned time!
Lake Superior @LakeSuperior
Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family.
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
nevermore pic.twitter.com/Ewwd3JsLfN
@bakiwop
I feel like the map is trying to warn me... pic.twitter.com/d8WHwxNYcv
@bakiwop
Lakenenland pic.twitter.com/Z1o1z4j9AC
@bakiwop
@BrentButt why do you hate america? no comedy tour, no no clue, & now no corner gas the movie. sad!
@bakiwop
More trees pic.twitter.com/9yyhxZ9VM5
@bakiwop
Trees pic.twitter.com/dtuqdcMxDC
@bakiwop
Professional Literature For Librarians: simplebooklet.com/publish.php?wp… pic.twitter.com/1ULN8qEhM4
Sep 2014
@bakiwop
Almost anywhere in US dialing 211 provides 24/7 info & referral to health & human services & emergency info: fcc.gov/guides/dial-21… #211
@bakiwop
please use a different public access card catalog computer terminal, yo pic.twitter.com/ahuaeyxlqQ
@bakiwop
don't get into the library game for fame & fortune get into it for the free candy & baked goods from grateful patrons pic.twitter.com/TM8kUUHxTR
@bakiwop
seems the squirrels threw a rave on the driveway last night, those crazy squirrels & their mdma #nutpalooza #nuthenge pic.twitter.com/yESD8itBCB
@bakiwop
discovered a strange, oblong formation on the driveway this morning....curious... pic.twitter.com/D7Pr6hgAd0
@bakiwop
Our congresscritters get free healthcare, yet it seems not many of them visit a psychologist. #MandatoryMentalHealthCareForPoliticians
@bakiwop
You Think You Have Time To Do All These Things, she said. You Don't! You Don't Have Time, Time Has You.
@bakiwop
The Interplanetary Transport Network: predetermined pathways in our solar system that help man-made objects use as little energy as possible
@bakiwop
@graybouk @momorgan and the internet is killing DVD sales*... *this message brought to you by the @MPAA
@bakiwop
@PBeyer apple products run on the power of fanaticism...i'ts your fault the site isn't working...you're rather letting the side down.
@bakiwop
hey there, @APA_Style, shouldn't you use quotes for ironic comment for the word "pocket" in your style guide title? pic.twitter.com/Fiqg2nyBgP
@bakiwop
@PBeyer have you accepted facebook as your personal lord and savior?
@bakiwop
@PBeyer have you accepted jesus christ as your personal lord and savior?
@bakiwop
@BrentButt great googamooga! i thought i was just hearing things for all these years...thanks for clearing that up :)
@bakiwop
@PBeyer kickstarter that ahite asap
@bakiwop
@BrentButt in the corner gas tv shows, am i actually hearing very soft background music in the parts that take place in the ruby?
sparklefists mcgee @emilytheslayer
Head of circ told me a 4yro couldn't take books out because of overdues & his response was "they should burn this place down" #librarylife
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
@PBeyer I must buy this now...link, please
@bakiwop
do we observe labor day now just to celebrate the fact that we have any job at all?
Aug 2014
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you are more accurate than the weathercritters...you must be a witch! throw ya in a pond...see if ya float!
@bakiwop
mother nature can be such a showoff... pic.twitter.com/UO8Ka7hbNc
@bakiwop
@PBeyer damn it, man...I just can't quit you!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer did you draw that, you talented prick? You can write, you can draw and you can crack a joke...talented people like you make me sick
@bakiwop
goodbye homemade birthday pie...I feel like I hardly knew ye...I greatly look forward to seeing you next year. pic.twitter.com/nRonEr8Slh
@bakiwop
homemade birthday pie for breakfast pic.twitter.com/PIsVMy2567
@bakiwop
@PBeyer is somebody cutting onions around here?
@bakiwop
profiling..."frisky business"...beautiful work from @msjwilly & @iamjohnoliver from @TheDailyShow - thedailyshow.cc.com/videos/dhf4v1/…
@bakiwop
You're a priceless gift, here's a hundred bucks. pic.twitter.com/owq0K4vJvp
@bakiwop
we need a ruling from the court: she left this much toilet paper on the roll...is this a divorceable offense? pic.twitter.com/eXInUEg7Eb
@bakiwop
@PBeyer who is this jim you speak of & why are you spelling his name wrong & why do you want me to hang out with the two of you on sunday?
@bakiwop
@PBeyer wait....what? You can't be middle-aged, because if you're middle-aged then I'm...hmmmmm...I see...I see.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you have any pamphlets? I think I'd like to get in on some of that.
@bakiwop
@momorgan everyone knows the media is lefty liberal commie in the states...stop spreading your lies ;)
@bakiwop
@PBeyer ah crud...gosh darnit all to heck! jesus mary & joseph! jiminy cricket! so sorry to hear that...that's gotta suck big time.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer it's hopkins, baby - it wasn't stolen, it was just extended valet parked. seriously, though...good luck!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer but it's apple...it just works!
@bakiwop
@ElSaborAsiatico it's the decades of training that you get to rely on now...live it up!!!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare right? You're a stronger, better person than I. I feel so cheap...
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare so it was more bark than bite? sorry...sorry...couldn't resist.
Jul 2014
@bakiwop
@PBeyer so much for that ba in psychology paying off...damnit!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer it's a metaphor...you (her coworkers) are the abrasive steel wool to her dog-like zen of present contentedness. way to go, man.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i was kinda sorta maybe hopin' you could do that anyway?
@bakiwop
@PBeyer oh man, i was just making up some nonsense...fleshing out a story idea and i thought the phrase was pretty groovy. no worries.
@bakiwop
thank you for all of the beautiful lies you've told me over the years
@bakiwop
love is alchemical
@bakiwop
@HelenOE i knew it! it just felt right :)
@bakiwop
@HelenOE very nice...i'm also thinking at the kitchen table for some reason.
@bakiwop
Had to kick an accordion student & teacher from the study rooms at the library...I feel that somewhere @alyankovic has just shed a tear.
@bakiwop
who'd a thunk that after all these years "jet set" would refer not to the wealthy bounding to the exotic but to cubicle drones being felt up
@bakiwop
library book, "the family cow" - so udderly wisconsin! pic.twitter.com/rn1XkLuiPC
@bakiwop
i wish i had been diabolically creative enough to coin the term "synergy" ... oh yes ... and of course i also wish for world peace.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare - you may enjoy @alyankovic's 2nd video "word crimes." especially the oxford comma mentioned...although no use of begs the ?.
@bakiwop
trainerswarehouse.com/Classic-Smile-… - practice smiling at work: smile mirrors for your cubicle! & remember, kids, showing your teeth isn't smiling!
@bakiwop
the combover is patented: google.com/patents/US4022…
@bakiwop
darth vader looks like a great dad. pic.twitter.com/q998WaMbes
@bakiwop
i got out of bed, but my waking dreams were so depressingly elusive that i went back to bed to lose myself in my sleeping dreams once more.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer so have you chosen happiness yet?
@bakiwop
@PBeyer happiness comes from within, yo, not from being within. choose happiness! or not, i'm going to bed :) ... but seriously, choose it.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you know, stacy is the one who asked me out, yeah? i'm just sayin' - those minnesota women can be forward thinkin'.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer weren't you supposed to start dating again?
Jun 2014
@bakiwop
it's been a pretty hard morning...time to treat myself & breakout the green! #itisthelittlethingsinlife pic.twitter.com/PKQKSh7roe
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro it's isuzu's FINEST hour - faking a wheel off to protect your ferrari after you so carelessly decide to park it on the freeway.
@bakiwop
Nah, i replied, Being From Rural WI Means I'd Chop You Into Wee Pieces & Bury Ya Out Back, But I Wouldn't Care If You're Gay When I Did It.
@bakiwop
amazon's new doge phone: much buy! very cameras! so fire! please perspective! wow firefly! such at&t! amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaze! mah phone!
@bakiwop
$16.20 in tolls & an absurd attempt @ redlight camera extortion = pathetic @ChicagosMayor & @I_90_Tollway. your tollworkers were great, tho!
@bakiwop
finland...enchantment of the world. pic.twitter.com/hRlGcfdtTT
@bakiwop
the surgeon general warns that love may be hazardous to your health. if you feel symptoms of love please consult your physician immediately.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer crikey! it's a set of wild rare preteen elevator gargoyles! you don't often see em in a climate like this! lookit the shades on 'em!
@bakiwop
found in the library...I wonder if these two crazy kids made it...chris & angela...june 24, 2000 pic.twitter.com/ZH98SYbBa2
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare i grant that you be granted this grand grant which would greatly grant greatness grandly in your hitherto grantless existence.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro you've angered one of oprah's lovers. now she'll be upset & start up her tv show again. must the whole world pay for your folly?
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i heard michael bay will be teaming up with nicholas cage for a 2015 blockbuster extravaganza titled "siddhartha: the time is now"
@bakiwop
one dreamy nicholas cage showing you how groovy libraries are. pic.twitter.com/tN6V6EicRb
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro the recession where we gave these folk all our money & the gov't gave 'em more of our money, so now they can buy these cars? ;)
@bakiwop
it may be that the thing to really know about superman is that he's super because of the people around him.
@bakiwop
so evidently @CIA & the vengeful librarians focus efforts on counterterrorism, counterproliferation, social media & memetracking. @dogecia
CIA
✔
@CIA
We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet.
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare happy "life, the universe, and everything" day! (did you notice the serial comma i threw in just for you?)
@bakiwop
passive-aggressiveness in book form...no need to talk to 'em, just hand 'em the book & walk away! pic.twitter.com/xQvD7RSSw1
@bakiwop
given all of the emails i've been receiving lately, democracy isn't nearly as much about voting as it is about giving money to politicians.
@bakiwop
@CornerGas movie promo idea: brent leaves dog river to do a nationwide comedy tour then decides to return to dog riv...oh wait... :)
@bakiwop
@CornerGas movie promo idea: emma does wwe wrestling as "the bulldog." her finishing move? "the handbag." oscar is her ringside assistant
@bakiwop
@CornerGas movie promo idea: lacey helps coach nhl team & does nationwide curling tour while promoting the return of the ruby club sandwich.
@bakiwop
@CornerGas movie promo idea: wanda goes onto morning talk show to give folksy advice & premieres world-wide debut of new thunderface video.
@bakiwop
@CornerGas movie promo idea: karen goes around to schools tutoring math while giving out cruelty-free gum & "corner gum" stickers.
@bakiwop
@CornerGas movie promo idea: davis does internet jazz radio station not featuring michael bublé & prank phone calls movie backers (badly).
@bakiwop
@CornerGas movie promo idea: oscar goes around to various minor league baseball games playing third base coach while giving bursitis sign.
@bakiwop
@CornerGas movie promo idea: crop circles of cg logo & hank's face in dog river area farm fields. aliens among us! hank nowhere to be found!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro looks suspiciously like that famous bigfoot pic: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Patterson… - frankly i'm still not convinced bigfoot or elr exist.
May 2014
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro your writing rocks. the humor. the way you change direction & bring it all back. great style. great fun. you bring the smiles.
@bakiwop
my library is so cool that we have TWO copies of "king ralph" on vhs...now if I could just get that on beta. pic.twitter.com/QkE80qRSzc
@bakiwop
"hitlerland" - probably less fun than disneyland, possibly more fun than pol pot world. pic.twitter.com/zjpJZcFmVW
Dana Eagle @DanaEagleTweets
Some days I really feel the hell in hello
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
buddha says: throw your hands in the air & wave 'em like you just don't care (because caring -> desire -> suffering). pic.twitter.com/LDT5rUWSb5
@bakiwop
remember kids: k is for kate who was struck with an axe #gashlycrumbtinies #edwardgorey pic.twitter.com/aOfVD3I8ss
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro lift with the legs?
@bakiwop
I love popup campers, they're like house origami.
@bakiwop
walmart commits to hire vets like non-vets, sadly it makes walmart better than many employers: washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog… pic.twitter.com/EgmvrgqFaj
@bakiwop
yup, definitely memorial day weekend - we're down to one grilling book. (actually titled, "grilling book") pic.twitter.com/oUYu0OLvEo
@bakiwop
what's a "google thought leader" & should i be happy that @Google does it with @doubleclick & not @nsa_pao? pic.twitter.com/ijPl7h27tR
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro we now know the real reason for your range rover's air suspension failure - going over the pothole for this vid...admit it!
@bakiwop
@ALeeMartinez " Belly of the Dragon" was AWESOME! & am greatly looking forward to "Robots Versus Slime Monsters" in paper form.
@bakiwop
goddamnit godzilla! stop lying down on the motherfucking job!!! pic.twitter.com/diSCf4cciW
@bakiwop
I Don't Know What It Is, he told her, But Every Time You Tell Me You Love Me, I Just Want To Tell You To Shut Your Whore Mouth.
@bakiwop
don't call it a comeback/they've been here for years/they're rockin' their piece/dog river is here! (apologies to @llcoolj) #CornerGasMovie
@bakiwop
birthplace of the republicans - 28% of you hate me, 26% of you love me & 46% of you are wondering if you should byob pic.twitter.com/4Ucxbkx6eW
@bakiwop
june dairy days! in june! with dairy! for days! pic.twitter.com/Hq4enh4bSe
@bakiwop
traveling. saw the hometown of the world champion baton twirlers & the bunny benigan jazz jubilee together in 1 town! pic.twitter.com/kNEnHCIaq4
@bakiwop
jokes from a library patron #4: (not sure about this one...something about a pirate? look for yourself) pic.twitter.com/M0jK0TSr3F
@bakiwop
jokes from a library patron #3: why can't the easter bunny be a stand up comedian? he'd crack himself up. pic.twitter.com/Q2jQESsNRy
@bakiwop
jokes from a library patron #2: what bunny rabbit has fleas? bugs bunny. pic.twitter.com/6U1iaNONQe
@bakiwop
jokes from a library patron #1: why did skeleton cross the road alone? no body would help her. pic.twitter.com/IuQmGuQLc5
@bakiwop
someone's brain had them write a book on how to increase the longevity of people's brains: pic.twitter.com/skVn8xtpFy
@bakiwop
help little old ladies with computers...get fed: pic.twitter.com/NkWSJVMGNo
Kibblesmith ⚔️
✔
@kibblesmith
I think if you criticize someone's parenting in public they should get a 10 second window where they can legally give you their baby.
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
@PBeyer just think...your daughters could be dating someone just like him in a few years.
@bakiwop
rememer kiddies - if you inhale you'll go to jail. pic.twitter.com/RJaOX7tCL5
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare goshdarnit all to heck, jodi chromey, I WILL stand in line for your book signing someday...now write, damnit, write!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare & 5% fantabulousness?
@bakiwop
irn bru = liquid, carbonated bazooka joe bubble gum...and kitty is unimpressed: pic.twitter.com/fFKvuqT5P7
@bakiwop
true love (or, "twu wuv," @thebrutesquad) unfortunately inspires random acts of petty vandalism: pic.twitter.com/AV89QcWbus
@bakiwop
@robotshorts oui!
@bakiwop
careful, alice....beware those rabbit holes: pic.twitter.com/QXvm5SEYCY
@bakiwop
@GroovyBruce michigan island lollygagging on a spring evening...porch optional. pic.twitter.com/oOYxv2liCF
@bakiwop
I am such a horse's ass: pic.twitter.com/j8eb9Ff7i5
@bakiwop
top o' the world, ma: pic.twitter.com/qy6yn9rwQM
@bakiwop
movie idea: fallen men & women of the u.s. armed forces patriotically rise up to eat the brains of our terrorist foes. title: gray berets.
@bakiwop
an end to another day in the hard life that is mine (could I have phrased that more awkwardly?): pic.twitter.com/RlYH9npj7d
@bakiwop
the reading room of the public library where we're staying: pic.twitter.com/vvpTzvDohW
@bakiwop
the public library where we're staying: pic.twitter.com/GvALLyUidX
@bakiwop
@PBeyer just when you think you're out, they pull ya back in ... pacino ain't got nuthin' on you!
@bakiwop
Here we are...approaching the island of the dead... pic.twitter.com/XPbSbmqwXh
@bakiwop
Google nav does not pronounce "Canada" as "Canada eh?"
@bakiwop
Google nav pronounces "U.S.A." as "U.S.Ah." - the commie bastards.
@bakiwop
Google nav pronounces "Sault St. Marie" as "Saul S'Mary" not "Soo Saint Marie" - Google watches too much "Breaking Bad," n'est-ce pas?
@bakiwop
@ElSaborAsiatico @pattonoswalt who's that now? ,)
@bakiwop
"stephen king returns with a novel aboit carny life - and death..." - beautiful copy, although you had me at 'carny' pic.twitter.com/HJLMCMcxrH
@bakiwop
@momorgan it's a jump to catclusions mat.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer bitch!
@bakiwop
can a gps unit sound smug? i think a gps unit can sound smug, the pedantic little bastard.
@bakiwop
why this book isn't included in the curriculum of every mba program in the world is beyond me: pic.twitter.com/0duYSxDfne
@bakiwop
@PBeyer rss feed, yo
@bakiwop
@PBeyer - what's up with pbeyer.org?
Apr 2014
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro the deity guidance system (or DGS) is the premiere automotive system for "delivering YOUR god to YOU" - brought to you by OnStar
@bakiwop
putin should steal fred astaire's bio cover & title it, "putin on the ritz: vladimir putin & the fine art of putin" pic.twitter.com/1zsC86teVO
@bakiwop
more proof that nonfiction does not equal true - folks, brown bears do NOT like to play the blanket toss game. pic.twitter.com/abHynRDaFq
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @kathyblandin i know the whole white dress thing is a bit gauche given your age, but i can dream, can't i?
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @kathyblandin i've even started planning our wedding. you'll walk down the aisle in a white dress to salt 'n' pepa's 'whatta man.'
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @kathyblandin your permission? i have kathy's and my permission. the rest is just paperwork, my man...hey, i like that...MY MAN!
@bakiwop
@kathyblandin @PBeyer thank you! i've loved him almost 14 years. as soon as wisconsin allows gay marriage i am SO hitting that..
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you will be mine, beyer...oh yes, you will be mine! watch out @kathyblandin!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer it's your fault. Even I can't look @ you w/o seeing hypersexuality. I'm surprised they aren't all pregnant from just your manly gaze
@bakiwop
@PBeyer but you're a white, middle-aged male - you aren't allowed to experience prejudice! just tell 'em they made a mistake. fuckers.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer seriously?
@bakiwop
@SBaiocchi after 19 years it's about time
@bakiwop
@SBaiocchi hey - you did your annual twitter account check!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro tell your mom you've been ignoring her for decades, why would you start listening now!
@bakiwop
new phone app, qwarl, helps "decide who's right in the fight!" qwarl uses google algorhitms to correctly find who's right each & every time!
@bakiwop
loved these pens as a kid - FOUR colors of ink in a single pen...FOUR, people! FOUR! this one is now mine...forever! pic.twitter.com/9k8K98XPyv
@bakiwop
what if "nailed to the cross" was really just a biblical-times euphemism for getting married? kinda like "the old ball & chain?"
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro the lord's prayer of automobiles: may the brakes be grippy & the engines fast, the transmissions manual & the car built to last.
Curiosity Rover
✔
@MarsCuriosity
You guys! @NASAKepler found the 1st Earth-size exoplanet in the habitable zone go.nasa.gov/1itJMsQ pic.twitter.com/d7t08BjoFv
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
@graybouk unless miffy takes tea with 007 & the queen mum after defeating ninja goldfinger & pirate galore i must respectfully disagree ;)
@bakiwop
possibly the most awesome book in existence: pic.twitter.com/qmdrm1XKCw
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro "you'll enjoy it" you're not the boss of me! can't tell me what to do! fine! sure! i likeed this article but next one i'll hate!
@bakiwop
mars & venus - first relationships, now health...is there anything those 2 kooky lumps of rock can't do? pic.twitter.com/pgmiP6a4ON
@bakiwop
@PBeyer the difference? you get paid a lot more & don't have to do all the icky stuff i have to while still getting to enjoy the library ;)
@bakiwop
@PBeyer well you're a library nerd wannabe
@bakiwop
@PBeyer classics!
@bakiwop
Not, in fact, the spanish Dilbert: pic.twitter.com/HgYXGGBc2d
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro i'm worried about you. is someone forcing you to drive a cube/corolla? is your life in danger? need help? blink twice for yes!
@bakiwop
looks like I am way off base about cat mysteries...you can make an entire career out of them! pic.twitter.com/ljXnXsq7kS
@bakiwop
who knew "cat crimes" would be popular enough for a second volume? pic.twitter.com/tdOmyPOsO7
@bakiwop
@PBeyer ain't no party like an ursus party cuz an ursus party don't stop. so when you see a young ursus rubbin' tree trunks with its back up
@bakiwop
@PBeyer aw shucks...just remember...you, too, can earn entire dollars per hour by working at your local public library!
@bakiwop
& look what someone just put on my cart...looks like someone else is happy to be at the library this monday morning. pic.twitter.com/Y9tE8y5fp0
@bakiwop
getting to hangout in the fiction stacks is a pretty good way to start out a monday morning. pic.twitter.com/t4582zrOxk
@bakiwop
anyone else miss microsoft zune mp3 players?
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare ¡viva la bibliotecha!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @kathyblandin to reach crazy old coot status you must wear polyester pants up to your belly botton while scaring kids with dentures.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @kathyblandin status achieved: curmudgeon...to level up to surly old-timer you must threaten kids to get off your lawn.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @kathyblandin were the glasses for your dentures then, you crazy kids? did the adverts feature any denny's senior discount coupons?
@bakiwop
@PBeyer that's because you're a totally kick ass human being who rocks harder than a quarry worker doing cocaine while pulling a doubleshift
@bakiwop
@PBeyer :) ... it's a wonderful amazing and tough old life sometimes...deserving of a good "fuck" occasionally, ya know?
@bakiwop
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
@bakiwop
i love you like a nail loves a hammer, waiting for that final blow to seal my coffin forever.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro it's a feature of the chrysler 200...it's so you can't see people pointing & laughing @ you @ night for driving a chrysler 200.
@bakiwop
now that I've done this, what am I supposed to do with the rest of my day? pic.twitter.com/upMBPYAXFc
@bakiwop
after a day like today, how wonderful to findthis book so I can try each of 'em one right after another tonight. pic.twitter.com/1kSHgmKIlE
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro crap! i'm going thru your youtube videos & realize i made the same joke as you about "100...something" without knowing it! sry!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro damnable lies! practical?! we never saw the sombrero fit in back! sloppy journalism like this is destroying our great country!
@bakiwop
have *you* seen the light? pic.twitter.com/D9UNxB4UxJ
Mar 2014
@bakiwop
@PBeyer look here, mr. geography teacher, don't make me go all mercator projection on your contoured topographic ass, yo.
@bakiwop
good news, people - it isn't the 1%, it's the 1% of the 1%. that's only a small-town worth o' folk: theatlantic.com/business/archi…
@bakiwop
@PBeyer y'all are so meta up there
@bakiwop
Even The Cat Has More Sense Than My Stupid Wife, he said. But The Cat Hates You, his friend pointed out. Exactly! he replied.
@bakiwop
given the logic of tax forms, i now believe that taxes are just a government conspiracy to hoard paper clips for the coming apocalypse.
@bakiwop
ah yes, the eternal question: pic.twitter.com/saGRB1REOS
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare whatever happened to acid rain? it was such a thing back in the day!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i love enabling you :)
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i checked your catalog: catalog.hclib.org & you don't have it, so you should do an interlibrary loan: hclib.org/pub/search/ILL…
@bakiwop
& to think, all i needed to do to become psychic was to go to my local library! (& just how many "to's" is too many?) pic.twitter.com/o7TcjIPTYk
@bakiwop
@PBeyer whig party made this country great! way better than those wankers in the liberty party! #millardfilmorerulez #whigparty4ever
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro it was a grave mistake on their part...I don't know how I got on their list but I'm going for the free food and entertainment.
@bakiwop
if you explain your political preferences by stating what the other party is doing wrong, please, reconsider your political beliefs.
@bakiwop
@arjunbasu that is a beautiful book
@bakiwop
the health industry & the retirement home industry are in cahoots: live longer, enjoy our retirement village. fuck you! where're my chips?
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro it seems i'm a man of motherfucking taste & a metric shit-ton of refinement: audi a3 launch event invite: pic.twitter.com/pTN4TznBYL
@bakiwop
why, on god's green earth, does @Cinnabon not have utensils that fit in the box for ease of disposal? #nextBigThing pic.twitter.com/5SJTSA5Psj
@bakiwop
for a moment there I thought "star wars colons" was actually a thing... pic.twitter.com/EIvLnbO6G9
@bakiwop
my desk at work right now pic.twitter.com/pAQKShYanf
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro good idea! base speed limit on # of people in car - 1 person? 55mph. 2 people? 110mph. Family of 6? 330mph. greyhound bus? warp.
@bakiwop
I've Walked In Both Sunshine & Rain, she said, & It Is The Rain That I Prefer, For The Water On Those Melancholy Days Cleanses Me.
Dory @Dory
my english teacher vs. the author pic.twitter.com/HXlzIBNT8o
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro the pumps come pre-shot for your safety & convenience.
@bakiwop
@graybouk i consider myself part of an extraordinarily select clientele.
@bakiwop
@graybouk 8
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro there were a myriad of problems with that article ;) - i kid! i kid! so glad you're doing your thing and getting paid
@bakiwop
so the ice caves were, like, pretty and shit pic.twitter.com/jhRHfEAOGM
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare just cuz minnesotans can't think outside a single scientific classification for playtime fun doesn't mean we should all suffer
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare well...when you put it so...ahem...colorfully...so succinctly....all i can say is... DIE GRAY DUCK GIRL DIE!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare never! never! death first! i would never pollute my very being with your gray duck ways!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare lies lies terrible lies! why would you spread your "gray duck" lies? viva la goose! viva la goose! death to the gray ducks!
@bakiwop
@KaitRokowski ..."save money...figured it out. Read instead of doing literally anything else." & get your books from your library!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro it's a ferrari...all ferraris have exactly 1 prancing horsepower
@bakiwop
A Passive Shooter, said the hr rep, Is A Shooter Who Will Shoot Only What Moves In Front Of The Gun Barrel. They Are Lazy & Probably French.
@bakiwop
An Active Shooter, presented the hr rep, Is A Shooter Who Is Actively Trying To Shoot You. the hr rep pulled out a gun & smiled, Like This.
@bakiwop
You Know What People Do With Resources? he asked the human resources rep. We Use Them Up & Toss Them Aside? the hr rep replied, Your Hired!
@bakiwop
replying "none" on the test after watching human resource's mandatory annual ethics powerpoint module she found herself rapidly promoted.
@bakiwop
the answer is, evidently, no. pic.twitter.com/M40BLoTKAO
@bakiwop
rule #1 for being a man: don't follow someone else's rules for being a man.
@bakiwop
timmy remembered what his 2nd grade science teacher taught him earlier in the day & yelled, Apex Predator, Bitches! as he stomped the ants.
@bakiwop
you can like yourself on facebook and favorite yourself on twitter - i now have all the external validation i need...here i come world!
@bakiwop
Scool house rock: multiplication rock on vhs - does it get any better on a Friday morning? pic.twitter.com/a7OpVMhVyu
@bakiwop
reduced fat ice cream? seriously? what's the end goal? all the cold none of the flavor? & why package it the same as regular ice cream? evil
@bakiwop
life is a trigger warning.
@bakiwop
maybe we should outsource the government - lower gov't wages, access world-class capabilities & free internal resources for core activities.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro hey now...the bmw was made that way...in fact, that bad boy right there is *custom*...yeah, *custom*...that's the ticket.
@bakiwop
he wanted to end it all over her but cried out when he realized if he did he'd be doing it to someone who was no longer her from his past.
@bakiwop
@momorgan & your cat pics...which, i believe, is stage 2 of internet adulthood (aka adulternet) stage 1 = blog & stage 3 = kid pics)
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare we need youtube djs on an actual youtube channel playing youtube music videos 24 hrs/day...call it ytv...80s mtv ala youtube!
@bakiwop
apologies to the interviewers i lied, shmoozed & ingratiated myself to over the years trying to get that godawful cubicle job...what a waste
@bakiwop
i'm interested in seeing "cloudy with a chance of meatballs 2" but am worried i might miss some key plot points not having seen the 1st one.
Feb 2014
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro & congratulations, your car also has a catalytic converter! be the envy of your friends! the life of the party! you're a winner!
@bakiwop
nothing! nothing's happening, twitter! you happy now?! yes...i have no life...thanks for telling the world twitterdouche!
B.J. Novak
✔
@bjnovak
Hey, @Twitter, here are some sites Similar To You: @instagram @tumblr @Myspace (see how it feels?)
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro duh! the lexus has an extra 100...something...plus 2 extra letters...no contest. sheesh.
@bakiwop
Mrs. Muldoon, the principal said, You're Here Because Your Son Said 'Bitches Hate Snitches.' Principal Meyer, she replied, I Now Hate You.
@bakiwop
Daaaaad! he cried. She's On My Side Of The Car Again! Son, dad replied looking at him through the rearview mirror, Bitches Hate Snitches.
@bakiwop
What Am I Suppsed To Do! he screamed at the comcast tech support rep. Read A Goddamned Book?
@bakiwop
You've Such A Beautiful Way About You...Such A Kind Soul, he said. Honey, she replied, It's OK To Tell Me I Look Fat In These Jeans.
@bakiwop
RIP Harold Ramis - this could be the basis for a totally amazing reboot of the Ghostbusters franchise.
@bakiwop
@momorgan that is one absurdly cute kitty
@bakiwop
@PBeyer but damnit! they spelled "life" with an exclamation mark!
@bakiwop
the top 3 curse words on twitter? fuck, shit, & ass: improbable.com/2014/02/19/cou… - motherfucker & goddamnit no where to be found.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro so now you're "that asshole on jalopnik with the ferrari who films himself driving his ferrari everywhere?" very funny stuff!
@bakiwop
the vote to devote the revote to revolt revolved around devolved resolves to salve the uninvolved & absolve the unevolved baddies involved.
@bakiwop
my coworkers started a college fund for me (I think because I bought them cupcakes) pic.twitter.com/JejU0G7f6D
@bakiwop
need to find a cd player in the back room here at the library...it's hammertime up in this mutha. pic.twitter.com/XZxN2GIlAn
@bakiwop
@MattHardigree @DougDeMuro @Jalopnik congrats!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you know that's how @StephenKing books start, right?
@bakiwop
what devil be this misshapen vomitus of a ding dong? hostess, why dost thou tear & render at childhood treasures? pic.twitter.com/q61HpCkZK8
@bakiwop
the LEGO movie is the movie of the year. wunderbar! everything is awesome.
@bakiwop
it's the goshdarned 21st century...just when are we gonna get laser snow removal anyway? it'd be snow removal...with friggin' lasers! woo!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you know you can't take those out of the municipality you're borrowing them from, right? we sic the library police on ya.
@bakiwop
valentine's day is a lot like halloween - lots of frightened people wearing masks to get some sugar even though they know it's bad for 'em.
@bakiwop
@ALeeMartinez you DO know what people want but dance around it when you write about this- sequels! dig deep *&* wide. you've so much talent.
@bakiwop
laughed so hard i cried from @grahamchit re: home reno & chef shows. helped make the 21hr round-trip drive to thunder bay worth it - thanks!
@bakiwop
21 of past 36 hours driving...canadian snowstorms tamed...tim hortons smuggled into u.s.... @BrentButt met #epicbrentbuttcomedyquest success
@bakiwop
oh woe to us in america, for our a&w restaurants are vastly inferior to canada's! why have you forsaken us, a&w? #epicbrentbuttcomedyquest
@bakiwop
it's the gatekeepers of tim hortons! one does not simply walk into canukistan. #epicbrentbuttcomedyquest pic.twitter.com/O9M8BFT5d5
@bakiwop
northern minnesota is stupid beautiful...driving 12 hours through a snowstorm to see @BrentButt in thunder bay, ca pic.twitter.com/NAm6vBXrOR
@bakiwop
@BrentButt @SBaiocchi we are very fortunately seeing you tonight & very unfortunately then spending v-day driving 10 hours home.
@bakiwop
driving 19hrs/1110mi in 1.5 days to see @BrentButt. v-day in romantic downtown thunder bay, ca. happy v-day, @SBaiocchi, i'm so sorry!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro & the luxury car driver *still* cannot manage to park between the lines.
@bakiwop
So, she told her constipated husband after finding out he lied about not having an affair, You Are Actually A Lying Sack Of Shit. Huh.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer my man, you cannot just summon lucifer...you have to go through middle management...what do you think middle management is for?
@bakiwop
@PBeyer even the devil won't touch those things!
@bakiwop
Butts are good! Butts are great! Butts are #1! And for #2 Ya know Butts are lots o' fun! -inspired by "The Butt Book" pic.twitter.com/R125Xw3aoG
@bakiwop
what a beautiful beautiful world we live in where you can buy these two wonderful books in the same store: pic.twitter.com/pPQRYWyvex
@bakiwop
damnit dolls: pic.twitter.com/iU7PlIasxg
@bakiwop
ow...my head! is it possible to have a hangover from reading too much shel silverstein?
@bakiwop
i thought 'twas better in the end >> to be pos'tive for thee >> 'cause positivity for thee >> is positive for me
@bakiwop
share-y sheri shared the books >> you couldn't find no more >> sheri shared each book with you >> she saved the day for sure
@bakiwop
i reeeeaaaaally wanted to end that last verse with "the goddamned fucking whore" ... or did i?
@bakiwop
tear-y terry teared the books >> you couldn't find no more >> terry teared 'em up right good >> so you'd buy them once more
@bakiwop
bobbing bobby bobbed his head >> in each & ev'ry way >> 'til one day bobby's bobbing head >> bobbed out into the bay
@bakiwop
hairy harry harried henry >> all around the park >> so henry harried harry back >> 'til moms pulled them apart
@bakiwop
1:42a - just finished a book & realized i don't own the next book i want to read: emperor mollusk vs sinister brain. thks alot @ALeeMartinez
@bakiwop
step 1 in world domination to-do list? get white cat: pic.twitter.com/FFbI9A0ISs
@bakiwop
choppy video, crackling audio, 30 minute pass, mouse pointer doesn't disappear - @NBCOlympics your website experience bites. enormously.
@bakiwop
Breaking news: PETA finally caught wind of Schrödinger's cat & may or may not be currently protesting the premises. Researchers are unsure.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare leno I loathe. Fallon is just too darn creative, fun, & goofy not to like. And...long live conan!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare I'm a fan o' fallon....that was great! Thanks for sharing.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare scooter rocked....and animal...and beaker...and gonzo...but as a kid I just LOVED kermit :)
@bakiwop
I always did love kermit: pic.twitter.com/Pm3Sv08aDm
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro huh...that's interesting...i originally assumed that "what was i thinking" referred to you asking why you stayed there so long.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @jodiwilldare what kind of clothes did prince sell? he looks faboo in his clothes but they're not exactly everyday-wear formost folk
@bakiwop
@PBeyer my love for thee > eternal you see > gosh golly gee > ne'er be set free > under lock & key > 'til kingdom come be > forever you & me
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i always thought you could pull off jennifer love hewitt: imdb.com/media/rm332186… - although i'm biased...i always had a crush on you
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro well, if you'd stop being such an intimidating guy...
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro well they're ALLOWED to be rude to you, you own a ferrari! ;) eep! i can see where that kinda stuff would get old fast!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro ya know, you'll perpetuate the stereotype of the aloof, conceited ferrari owner! put on a smile, practice being a people person.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro you have to gas it up? i know logically it must be true but i imagined winged ferrari gas faeries filling it in the wee hours.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro ferrari miles are like dog years, right? for every 1 of a regular car, 7 go by for the ferrari?
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro to all future potential buyers of this car...doug did not "pound it," he vigorously tested the car's driving dynamics.
Jan 2014
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare and 10% cookies?
@bakiwop
@PBeyer why choose? passion eye twinkler consultant
@bakiwop
You Cheated On Me 5 Times! he cried. We All Mourn Differently, she said. It Was A Goldfish! he replied.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer bring a $75 bottle of champagne & read the last 2 issues of "the economist." remember to refer to his boat as a "yacht" or a "ship"
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @SparkySweetsPhD ha!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you knew about this and didn't tell me? you're dead to me beyer! dead to me!!!
@bakiwop
"The Hobbit - Book Summary & Analysis by Thug Notes - youtube.com/watch?v=-oU0Pt… - waaaayyyyy better than cliffsnotes
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro woah...woah! easy there, tiger! it's said they CAN handle that much snow, not that they should have to handle that much snow.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare powerpoint is a dynamic, exciting & synergystic way to slowly suck the soul out of your business associates /endvoiceover
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare so powerpoint is your foxhole?
@bakiwop
"here" is wisconsin. ..stupid lepidoptera pic.twitter.com/ze8ORYS4Rk
@bakiwop
There's Only So Many Dog's & Cat's Privates You Can Look At, Mr. Barker, he sadly told his hero after recently quitting veterinary practice.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro i'm trying to think of something witty & funny with just a slight bit of bite & contempt & all i keep coming up with is: woohoo!
@bakiwop
just told someone in the library "don't believe everything you read." oh delicious delicious...irony? ...sarcasm? where's that dictionary...
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare oh yeah...even worse than stephen king's "the dome"...although t is shorter, so it has that going for it.
@bakiwop
dear twitter, i DO want to grow my community, generate leads, increase sales & drive traffic! you know me so well! pic.twitter.com/BFYWyB3S8D
@bakiwop
Blood Of Christ! slurred the priest who sloshed the jug of wine while addressing his congregation. Woo!
@bakiwop
having now attempted to sell items on craigslist i can say, with certainty, that craigslist is the little yellow school bus of the internet.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare is another baby, woah.
@bakiwop
living will: i may not be taken off of life support until my wife has placed my hand on her bottom a minimum of five times.
@bakiwop
i'd like to see a horror movie with teens replaced by middle-aged, middle-income middle-managers who defeat the baddie with synergy seminars
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare i love me some redheads
@bakiwop
the oxford english dictionary's visual definition of the word "coif": pic.twitter.com/wVkgH9yB6v
@bakiwop
"i am connor macleod of the clan macleod, you killed my father, it's a trap!" - best sentence in scifi movie fandom ever?
@bakiwop
things learned today: 1) remove spoon before heating up tea in microwave. 2) microwave not to be used as cat dryer after bathing it.
@bakiwop
@ALeeMartinez @GarbledTransMag also fyi - that includes your rss feed. not that you've posted in a while...for shame!
@bakiwop
we need to start a service...very seriously need to start a service...in which we tell, very considerately, that a person's baby is ugly.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare I seem to also be currently wrapped up in books: pic.twitter.com/BgTTldeETT
@bakiwop
i've written bad poetry, failed to climb mountains & had my heart broken. all valuable experiences. god bless failed new year's resolutions!
Dec 2013
@bakiwop
new year's resolution? 3840 x 2160p 84" 4k tv. (i'm glad i'm not that shallow & wish i were that rich, which actually makes me that shallow)
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro gta 5 needs a carmax warranty edition
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro - this book may be good for an article or two: "Carma Sutra" - awfullibrarybooks.net/real-auto-erot…
@bakiwop
happy holidays all you beautiful amazing wonderful people...that includes you...yeah...you over there...yeah you...yeah!
@bakiwop
it is a strangely liberating feeling to know exactly why i will be burning in hell for all eternity.
@bakiwop
Fun for all ages? Looks like the peanut brittle people are finally admitting peanut brittle isn't food: pic.twitter.com/6ZCp43fqQP
@bakiwop
possibly the best mention of a hedgehog in a feature film? youtube.com/watch?v=Ak1dPU… - @momorgan watcha think?
@bakiwop
cereal boxes used to come with toys, now they just have promo codes to input online - & those are absolutely no fun to steal from my nephew.
@bakiwop
@ElSaborAsiatico and THAT'S why being an adult is better than being a kid
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro thank you!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro i hate to bother you with this, but if you could spare a moment or two, could you tell me what oppositelock & kinja are?
@bakiwop
@graybouk so your father's first name is bernard?
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro well I can certainly see why you left those bunch of losers then...
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro i would've thought they were doomed to failure because they still use blackberry phones...DOOMED, i tells ya...DOOMED!!!
@bakiwop
life feels like an episode of "candid camera" ("punk'd" to you young'ns)...i keep waiting for the reveal & it just keeps not happening.
@bakiwop
@ElSaborAsiatico @pedantrix yay!
@bakiwop
he watched stoplights change from red to green over & over. Merry Christmas, he slurred from the gutter, toasting passersby with thunderbird
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro 01/02 bmw m coupe: mcoupebuyersguide.com - clown shoe! weird styling! stupid power! the articles practically write themselves!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro memories, light up the tires on the street, slip'ry power-slidin' memories, of the way it rode. (w/ apologies to ms. streisand)
@bakiwop
what kind of crazy, beautiful, madcap world could we be living in had the bible ended not with "amen," but rather..."woot!"
@bakiwop
@GroovyBruce Oregon Christmas tree harvest...land stewardship & good ol' capitalism ala death-defying helicopter: youtube.com/watch?v=08K_aE…
@bakiwop
Oh the anxiety! Dare I watch part 3 w/o having seen part 2? What if I miss some intricately woven plot point? Argghh! pic.twitter.com/46Q4TdvGod
@bakiwop
It may be the greatest Christmas album in existence, "A Flintstones Motown Christmas": pic.twitter.com/1xZtx9cMuy
@bakiwop
whenever i see an adult wearing a business suit i feel like buying 'em a cookie & telling 'em, in a soothing voice, that everything'll be ok
@bakiwop
I Love You, he said, watching the game. It's A Nice Lie, she replied, trying to hug him. Honey! he said, looking around her, The Game's On!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro i think you might owe him some money with how often he's put your name out there as a writer. admit it, he's your publicist, no?
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro - dear lord, did you turn down @JackBaruth for a date or something? - jackbaruth.com/?p=1019
@bakiwop
he was so embarrassed for other people concerning the way they lived their lives that he never got around to living his own.
@bakiwop
this made me think of you, @PBeyer, you glorious glorious man, you: youtube.com/watch?v=wvCYJh… - there's an episode 2 & 3 as well.
@bakiwop
he idled at the bar, surrounded by the smells of stale beer, cigarettes & peanuts. the only thing fresh here was the despair. he smiled.
Nov 2013
@bakiwop
God's Neat Let's Eat, he said. That Is Not A Proper Prayer! Try Again! said the nun with the ruler. Good Grub Thanks Bub? he tried.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare the yellow ones don't stop #elf
@bakiwop
& don't think they can't fly! they can fly! when they rule they'll soar high above their broken, gobbled foe - us! motherfucking turkeys.
@bakiwop
"gobble" isn't their bird call, it's a promise! a promise of what they'll do to us if we succumb to their tryptophan lies! gobble! gobble!
@bakiwop
some day while we're marinating in tryptophan the turkeys will rise up against us! "gobble" isn't a turkey call, it's a turkey call to arms!
@bakiwop
is it mere coincidence that a turkey says gobble gobble & we just gobble them up? it's a turkey tryptophan conspiracy, man! wake up, people!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare you smell like beef and cheese!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare they're on santa's naughty list, just like someone ELSE i know...
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare you go on then with your bad self :)
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare "elf" cannot be watched until thanksgiving day! add this to the peanut butter cup fiasco & i'm beginning to wonder about ya...
@bakiwop
the night before thanksgiving seems to be pie making night & shall henceforth be known as the greatest night of the year.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro I KNEW that's what you did with your free time...you know, after going to tea at the yellowstone club & buying panda fur coats.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro & the slogan for this commercial? "Land Rover, limited only by what man will allow."
@bakiwop
he walked out into the evening dusk & smiled. Winter Is Like A Well Known Secret, he said with only the fresh snow & barren trees to hear.
@bakiwop
@BrentButt there's always the 571 seat schauercenter.org in my hometown. bigger nearby cities include milwaukee/chicago/minneapolis. :)
@bakiwop
@BrentButt you're gonna make the wife & me drive 10 hrs for a thunder bay valentine's extravaganza to see your show? think south next tour!
@bakiwop
great googamooga! my life is so dull i am, evidently, recycling previously interesting & exciting dreams &, now, boring myself awake.
@bakiwop
@ElSaborAsiatico does this have anything to do with the pancake debacle from earlier? wait...wait...nevernind... don't need to know...
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro it's not auto/journo that'll make 'em hate ya, it's your talent, luck & a 100 other things. just keep doing your thing, my man.
@bakiwop
@ElSaborAsiatico broken pancake dreams, brah...broken pancake dreams.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro jack isn't even jack. in all seriousness I think you handled it well, the bigger ya get the more people you'll have disliking ya
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro not your goal? imagine the # of people you'd upset if you tried! take off the pants write more pieces & piss some more folk off!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro NOW you're becoming a successful writer - other writers/editors dislike you. congratulations on your ever-increasing success!
@bakiwop
goddamn motherfucking unicorns: pic.twitter.com/EMTGAvkwFh
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare it's okay...it's okay...with a little time, a lot of effort & the help of good twitter followers you WILL get through this.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare i'm sorry. I was so busy thinking about the poor, innocent candy that I blanked on the hell you're going thru, i'm here for ya
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare "sorry" is NOT enough! actions have consequences, missy. you don't "freshen them," you don't let 'em go stale in the 1st place
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare seriously? there really is no excuse for that kind of uncivilized behavior.
@bakiwop
just how worried should i be for the patron who requested the 1986 copy of "the complete guide to racetrack betting?" pic.twitter.com/XKAmdlgTOD
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Federal_t… -yup. just like car companies' dest. fee, once the gov't starts charging for something it just can't stop
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro it's like the fed phone tax we still pay to help fund the spanish-american war. who says gov't isn't as efficient as a business?
@bakiwop
his eyes.... they sear my soul....you have done well, neighborhood taekwondo master, you have done well: pic.twitter.com/txLgo3O9WV
@bakiwop
don't remember the 70s, the 80s were all cheesy neon & skinny ties, the 90s were self-loathing, & everything since 2000 seems random. shit.
@bakiwop
no more mercedes sls? i now see no reason to become filthy rich: topgear.com/uk/car-news/me… - i'm so sorry, @SBaiocchi
@bakiwop
I Hate 2-for-1 Deals At Restaurants, he said. Thanks For Showing Me Once Again That No One Loves Me, Even If I Give 'Em Free Food. Fuckers.
Downtown Josh Brown
✔
@ReformedBroker
I have Mortgage Fraud, Market Manipulation, Credit Card Abuse, Libor Rigging and Predatory Lending AM I DIVERSIFIED? #AskJPM
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
@PBeyer awwwwwwyeeaaaaah....@Arbys still love me! pic.twitter.com/b6BKZ8GHeV
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro shut your whore mouth! (i kid!) when we parked our 2007 manual 2.5i basic next to the current gen it became obvious. good call.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you magnificent, special-sauce eatin' bastard! @Arbys is so amazing....& you're so amazing for eating there. amazing!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro you absolutely have to get paid well by someone to write...you're too darned good to not keep doing this for a long while :)
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro & like caesar, this shall be lincoln's cross(over) the rubicon...you know? i think i'm stretching this roman metaphor a bit far.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro nice! bmw thinks like ancient rome - expand or die! but with this strategy the toyota hordes will come & sack their great empire
@bakiwop
Goddamnit, he sighed, There Are Some Truly Magnificent People Out There And I'm Not One Of Them.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer marketing shows they care...CARE! you've obviously never felt that kind of connection with a corporation before. i pity you.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer - @Arbys hasn't direct-marketed to me in days...DAYS!!! *sob* no one cares like @sonicdrive_in does. NO ONE!! pic.twitter.com/wBkeykjMTM
@bakiwop
just realized bon jovi rhymed "back" with "back" in their '86 hit "wanted dead or alive." beau coup faux paus, bon jovi...beau coup faux pas
@bakiwop
when your conservative pastor gives a speech at an all-male retreat stating 1 in every 10 males are gay & everyone tries to not look around.
@bakiwop
someone got their amish romance on: pic.twitter.com/8cQcRwqpHn
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @sonicdrive_in @Arbys i feel naught but shame & failure...OH GREAT SOULLESS CORPORATIONS WHO FEED ME GOOD BAD FOOD FORGIVE ME!!!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer ya know, what with @sonicdrive_in throwin' down vs. @Arbys with the free food offer, maybe sonic initiative? pic.twitter.com/NkalFpWoJ5
@bakiwop
@PBeyer the staff @Arbys are outstanding, aren't they? quite intelligent & handsome, too. i believe it has to do with their special sauce.
@bakiwop
...the real crime is that we've convinced ourselves it's okay to do this to each other...
@bakiwop
@PBeyer oh, and thanks about the house...we find it groovy
@bakiwop
@PBeyer if only! for as wonderful amazing & tasty @Arbys is they don't deliver & i'm soooooo lazy. @Arbys, why have you forsaken me?!?!?!
@bakiwop
lazy, comfy sunny november mornings: pic.twitter.com/JujqKksiRP
@bakiwop
@PBeyer here's hoping you got your morning dose of @Arbys promotion...i sure did!!! all hail special sauce!!! pic.twitter.com/06CX50hCyB
@bakiwop
@PBeyer door him, threaten him with his cane & then offer up a nice @Arbys sandwich with special sauce, you know, to be right neighborly.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you have reached....THE @Arbys ZONE...welcome to the club, my man...here's a roast beef sandwich and some special sauce for ya.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer happened again...aaaaarrrrrrbbbbbbbyyyyyyyyy's!!! pic.twitter.com/f3s9K5RD0B
@bakiwop
the unearthly sounds & whines continued to rise from the surrounding darkness. Jenny, her mom yelled, Wake Up! You'll Be Late For School!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @kathyblandin I hope that "meeting the family" went well and that you chose @Arbys to help facilitate such an important life event.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer arby's is following me now. i think the joke may have gone too far...
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @kathyblandin pat beyer, kathy blandin....you would never have that problem with a roast beef sandwich from @Arbys.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you see? that's the power of the arby's initiative right there! soon execs will beat down your door for you to do THEIR work too!.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro @MattHardigree doug was, despite the utter shame & humiliation of it, willing to buy an auto V to delight his readers. hire him!
@bakiwop
Remember Me Fondly, he said with a smile & a jaunty wave, leaving behind his wife, 5 kids, paraplegic mother, 3-legged dog & 6-toed cat.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @Arbys THANK you! is that too much to ask? i just need one goddamned thing in my life but nooo...you just have to try and be a hero
@bakiwop
@PBeyer but it is so much more fun to give you and arby's a hard time...*sniff*
@bakiwop
@PBeyer make arby's stop...please make arby's stop...all i can think of is special sauce and roast beef these days... pic.twitter.com/8bUzIg039a
@bakiwop
@PBeyer see? stalkin' me! the arby's initiative is out of control, man. out of control! abort! abort! abort! pic.twitter.com/616xg3mKoN
@bakiwop
@PBeyer is the iphone still a thing? ;) android, of course
@bakiwop
@PBeyer what do you use? i prefer to keep my creepy friends but get rid of the creepy ads.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer goddamnit! ever since we came up with the arby's initiative i keep getting ads for arby's in my twitter feed! motherfucking arby's.
@bakiwop
i ain't nuthin' but a big ol' don quixote, yo, tiltin' at the motherfuckin' windmills.
Oct 2013
@bakiwop
But...But...I Really Like Watching TV, he said. It's So Much Easier Watching Other People Live Their Lives Than It Is To Live My Own!
@bakiwop
i have this all-encompassing fear that i am here simply as a result of the desire nucleic acids have to express themselves.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer yes! you can call it the arby's initiative...within a year you'll be running the company...in 2 you'll be a fortune 100 ceo. go pat!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer not a problem! for the mere price of an arby's "snack 'n save" item you can have them do all your work while you kick back & relax.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro so they're like a box of chocolates (in the gutter w/ a wilted rose & "die!" scrawled in blood) you never know what you'll get?
@bakiwop
@ElSaborAsiatico but it forwards to pay-pup.com! why do you hate puppies...poor starving puppies...you monster!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare janis was not only ahead of her time musically, but theologically as well.
@bakiwop
set your soul free for the low, low price of $29,900 (+ tax, title & license)...god bless you mercedes benz! pic.twitter.com/7COW4dZ3Ud
@bakiwop
some very humorous writing: amazon.com/Avoid-Huge-Shi… - the amazon reviews for "how to avoid huge ships"
@bakiwop
we might not come with instruction manuals, but the library has one for ya, "You, The Owner's Manual:" pic.twitter.com/VE89V4WVoA
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro the fervent belief that there are speeds & Gs one can reach that will not only remove leaves but all dirt & grime from your car.
@bakiwop
sleeping in bed with my arm held at an awkward perpendicular & a goddamn ghost goddamned high-fived me at goddamned 3:13 in the goddamned AM
@bakiwop
You May Call That Love, she said to him, But I Call It Brain Damage.
@bakiwop
I Feel Safe Here, he told her. But It's A Fucking Dive Bar & It's 1 In The Fucking Morning, she yelled. But You're Here, he said quietly.
@bakiwop
sixty bucks of beer later he was through...finished with the whole thing...finished with everything...Who's Buying The Next Round? he said.
@bakiwop
i am such a rebel....'please do not remove,' indeed: pic.twitter.com/zobo0QslZz
@bakiwop
No, Dear, he told her, I Just Want To Snuggle Up To You And Make-Believe That, For The Time Being, All Is Right With The World.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer so...business as usual for you then? (my man, you keep setting yourself up!) you two crazy kids moving in together? congrats!
@bakiwop
congressional approval rating: 9% (rasmussenreports.com/public_content…) incumbent congresscritters reelected: 90% (opensecrets.org/bigpicture/ree…) #americrazy
@bakiwop
I had no idea that John Astin (TV's Gomez Addams) was the original Riddler in "Batman": pic.twitter.com/DM5gvXvcax
@bakiwop
Proof there's a book @ your library for darn near anything: "Tell Me What To Eat If I Have Irritable Bowel Syndrome" pic.twitter.com/4wL7Y1f2yo
@bakiwop
Proof that there's a book at your library for darn near everything: "Tea Bag Folding" pic.twitter.com/oeCj75jg77
@bakiwop
wait...what? congress is back? didn't they all disappear from shame and humiliation? i thought we were done with them.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer nah man, they've just been dealing with your crap for years so they can't but help themselves ;) i kid! i kid!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro - do you have both your books in paper format now? if not, any idea when it might happen? must...give...demuro...money...
@bakiwop
anything that happened in the 1990s shall, henceforth, be known as that thing that happened behind the flannel curtain.
@bakiwop
new to resume: arbiter of global, multi-million dollar deals based on electronic correspondence; esp. nigerian princes & probate attorneys.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro dear lord, cadillacs are whiny!
@bakiwop
rebel lego, bitches! pic.twitter.com/HKdVmM6ntT
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro yes! the "ass" was a mistake...or are there really any mistakes? gettin' way too bromanc-y in here.i'll go sulk in a corner now
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro a principled man. even more respect for ya now...damnit!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro i used to have so much respect for you...*sigh*
@bakiwop
the trillion dollar war on drugs has made 'em cheaper & purer...thanks for subsidizing my drug habit, taxpayers! esquire.com/blogs/news/war…
@bakiwop
I Feel Like The People I Meet Are Just A Bunch Of Funhouse Mirrors, she told her therapist, Simply Reflecting Back What I Project At 'Em.
@bakiwop
ya know, i think janis had a good question there...why *won't* the good lord buy everyone a mercedes benz?
@bakiwop
"Because of the federal government shutdown, all national parks are closed and...webpages are not operating." pic.twitter.com/KdzqybCenM
@bakiwop
he put on a yellow cut-off t-shirt, red headband & mirror sunglasses, then pulled up knee-high tube socks. he was ready...& he was glorious
@bakiwop
just finished the "paranormal activity" series, seems the demon is a reality tv wannabe - only haunts those with video cameras. #sleeptight
@bakiwop
I'm Really Sick and Tired Of Embarrassing Myself, he told his therapist. Your Fly Is Unzipped, she replied.
Sep 2013
@bakiwop
"the miracle of baking soda" - anyone else think god may not be giving his all in the miracle department these days? pic.twitter.com/H9E7UNVaq1
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro you know what car would really stand out there? the italian designed, "fortune" mag best product: the 1st gen hyundai excel gls.
@bakiwop
Because, My Love, she said, picking up another drink while smiling at him. For The Next Few Hours I'm Going To Do My Best To Destroy Myself.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare usually the monumental effort of dragging their tired, old carcass through yet another unsatisfying day puts 'em right out. ;)
@bakiwop
"the complete idiot's guide to managing stress" ... step 1? stop calling me a 'complete idiot': pic.twitter.com/xXyFkebmtH
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro fiat 500? all I see are some hubcaps & tires. & the white & black cars in the background, though they aren't fiat 500s.
@bakiwop
Not Personal, Just Business? she sighed. Honey, If You Aren't Living Your Life Where Everything's Personal You're Living All Kinds Of Wrong.
@bakiwop
he strode into the boardroom confident in the fact that his girlfriend's lace panties weren't showing through his regrettably unzipped pants
@bakiwop
revenge is a dish best served to someone else - someone o'other
@bakiwop
just another day, working away in the book mines
@bakiwop
Excuse Me, Lord? he said, raising his hand because god likes that kind of thing. Is Life's Test Pass/Fail Or Letter Graded?
@bakiwop
spend your time however you want, just remember there're no refunds - someone o'other
@bakiwop
found in tony hillerman's book on cd, "the sinister pig." sincerely great placement of an epitaph for an author: pic.twitter.com/f3APIyImBf
@bakiwop
Homer's "Iliad" the 'story of a bully and a whore' - Philip Stanhope ("Book Smart," Jane Mallison, p. 254) pic.twitter.com/N1gmB0Hch7
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro spongycalifragilisticexpialidocious, if you try to brake with them it might seem quite atrocious. loving the car, though! :)
@bakiwop
@kondapavulur ha! i'll buy gas, you buy snacks...records shall be beaten, tears & blood shall be shed and hearts shall be broken.
@bakiwop
@kondapavulur excellent! now i know what i can do next weekend :)
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro @kondapavulur now that's interesting. demuro suggested i buy an sho (twitter.com/DougDeMuro/sta…) and i did: pic.twitter.com/DcDrzTbmdw
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro yes, please! :)
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro "plays with cars" & "from my perspective?" (please say 'yes' please say 'yes' please say 'yes')
@bakiwop
so sick of 'em using pretty women & sexual innuendo to sell math, soon fashion/alcohol industries will follow suit: pic.twitter.com/DeptN9gFMQ
@bakiwop
Thank God There's Religion & Morals & Ethics, he told his therapist, For If There Weren't We'd Have Nothing To Be Hypocritical About.
@bakiwop
good lord, people! whatever you do, DON'T move to milwaukee! (except, evidently, in the spring): pic.twitter.com/vHDmV4aVJC
@bakiwop
How Ya Doing? asked the Culvers employee. Good, i replied. You? Oh, You Know, Livin' The Dream, he responded with a smile. Livin' The Dream.
@bakiwop
death is a published author (mostly mysteries): pic.twitter.com/KMpV5n1RBa
@bakiwop
he toppled the statue of himself to the cheers of the people who quickly erected another in his honor.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro next time you're at carmax for warranty work on the range rover ;) try it.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro SHO brakes were mushier than gummed oatmeal at a retirement home (eep! metaphors are hard, i'm gonna leave it to pros like you).
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro since i'm goin' auto anyway: thinking SHO - S6 performance/ford $$$/techno-gadget-o-rama & the brakes from a 30-yr-old schwinn
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro you looking to unload an auto V perchance? ;) (& dear lord the e60s are ugly! sorry...sorry...enough about the ugly m5. but DAMN
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro btw, have i mentioned i do not like the way the e60 m5 looks?
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro the bastards! & i know with a good set of snows the e60 m5 would be fine...but i'd still have to look at it when it was parked.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro (lack of) handling during upper midwest winters (it'd be our only car) and e60 styling (leaves me colder than our winters!)
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro - i'm looking at an '08 audi s6 & just can't get over the auto. tho i'm using your demuro approved method of buying carmax cars.
@bakiwop
after walking through the valley of the shadow of death he decided to buy a refreshing beverage. Mimosa, he said, offering death a tenner.
@bakiwop
the only thing making the troll doll on the "timeless toys" cover timeless is that it'll swallow your immortal soul: pic.twitter.com/R1lAU6k1as
@bakiwop
@PBeyer are you thinking of vogon poetry? sigh...you are totally losing your nerd cred.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer with apologies to douglas adams, you could be like the great lig lury jr. - experience the eternal lunch. missing, presumed fed.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro even canada's cars are polite...see how much room it left for the bicyclist? i believe it's a mandatory canadian safety feature.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you've turned into a mindless tool of the man, man. big daddy business is massaging all the, like, thoughts, from your brain, man.
Aug 2013
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare :)
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare and you've never seen the movies starring america's tom hanks and directed by america's ron howard? are you a communist?!?!?!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare to be fair, isn't that what all of his books are about? ;)
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi why? why would you say such awful things?
@bakiwop
i got the "my woman's eatin' my homemade pumpkin bread" blues.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer there's nothing else for it...he must be stopped...at all costs...with extreme prejudice...go! go! go!
@bakiwop
The Crystal Ball Said I'd Died 5 Years Ago But Here I Am, he told the witch. You've Worked In A Cubicle For 5 Years Now, Right? she replied.
@bakiwop
What I Miss Most About Childhood Is Going Potty Whenever & Wherever I Want, he told his wife, pulling an adult diaper out of a grocery bag.
@bakiwop
There's Going To Be Plenty Of Time To Not Enjoy Life Later, she said to him over her shoulder, shutting the door behind her.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer with what, your ginsu knife? i'll bring my aluminum can of new coke and we'll see who wins you cheap code-slinging monkey!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer mastercard? you still use mastercard? do you still wear bell-bottom pants and pop the collar on your denim suit when you use it?
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro look, just because your V is probably worth less than the bicycles you're parked next to doesn't mean you don't fit in...per se.
@bakiwop
I Don't Care If He Looks Like Brad Pitt & Is Richer Than A Politician, Why Be With Him Instead Of M-...Oh...Oh! I Get It. Have A Good Life.
@bakiwop
whenever I start to think how especially special my special job is i'm put in my place by a book like this: pic.twitter.com/nxryH9W09v
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare give up the goods! you take the book back or decide to finish reading it?
@bakiwop
the man is always trying to keep us down: pic.twitter.com/EZ2sxfelE7
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro damnit! every tweet so far has been about the car, so, after reading this i feared you drove the V into a cold mountain lake!
@bakiwop
I Can See, she told her therapist, Why God Turned His Back On Humanity.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare oh you better believe...if anyone can make an amnesiac with a flashback work it's dan brown :)
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare does it then move into a flashback?
@bakiwop
"sheilas!" thanks, outback steakhouse, for an immersive & authentic cultural aussie experience: pic.twitter.com/57lx63XRnZ
@bakiwop
initially excited to try the prototype invisibility suit i soon discovered people are boring & fart a lot when they think no one is around.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro based on updates, i'm absurdly ashamed that your V seems to be doing more exciting things/leading a more fulfilling life than me
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @kathyblandin pat beyer and kathy blandin sittin' in a tree...k-i-s-s-i-n-g.
@bakiwop
@kathyblandin @PBeyer and don't forget the saying thing twice, kathy blandin, the saying things twice.
@bakiwop
@kathyblandin @PBeyer totally take back the sweet & innocent thing...that is the PERFECT response...well played, kathy blandin, well plated.
@bakiwop
my recurring dream where i try to make "naked gun 444 1/4: yay" with the deceased leslie nielsen but o.j. simpson holds out for more money.
@bakiwop
Well, began his therapist, Your Problem Seems To Be-.Pthththththththt, he interrupted, sincerely.
@bakiwop
she walked down the street to the sounds of jeers, cheers & clinking beers but put rest to her fears when she witnessed their sincere tears.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @kathyblandin goddamnit! now i wish i had cancer so i could rub it in your pig face! (shit, i'm such a bad person)
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro all the desert pics of the V is giving me a real "Duel" vibe - i'm waiting to see a forearm pop out of the V beckoning to me.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @kathyblandin run, kathy blandin, run! you look far too sweet and innocent for patrick! run while you still can!!!
@bakiwop
"The Complete Gnomes" - book you're most likely to check out after eating shrooms. high 70s kitsch factor. must read: pic.twitter.com/X06h1e733K
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i very obviously stand corrected & can only offer my most sincere apology for such a grievous & pathetic personal error of judgement
@bakiwop
@PBeyer do you even lift, bro? chocolate milk is the new muscle milk: m.runnersworld.com/nutrition-for-…
@bakiwop
@PBeyer if you want to go boss-level make sure to go around drinking only gatorade & smelling of bengay and gold bond powder all afternoon.
@bakiwop
probably the scariest book at the library, "Dolls in National Costume," by Iola Barlow: pic.twitter.com/FJqaPdhZUR
@bakiwop
@PBeyer it is important to not shower after your lunchtime workout and continue to breathe in a "cooldown-y" way for an hour after at work.
@bakiwop
he walked through the door & knew everything he'd hoped & dreamed was about to come true 'til he heard, Hey Mr., Get Out Of The Ladies Room!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro hope you have safe and interesting travels!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro when you say the cube is a "massive middle-aged woman magnet." do you mean women "of" or "in" massive proportions? just curious.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer ha! totally see god going...so there were these people, you see, yeah, these *other* people, who ere doing this thing i don't like.
@bakiwop
"the catholic mass for dummies" written by a) the pope or b) an atheist? pic.twitter.com/GURvL0Rccx
@bakiwop
future great scientific inventions: the defenestrating fly.
@bakiwop
I present to you, the most boring book in the universe, "dictionary of accounting terms, second edition" - pic.twitter.com/kpawhC0u0U
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i have never been more attracted to you
@bakiwop
@momorgan is gonna rock you?
@bakiwop
buy your refreshments at the gates of mordor... pic.twitter.com/rBLFpFBMXd
@bakiwop
more small town baseball goodness...@Hartford_Hawks...#gohawks... pic.twitter.com/uoLopcuTef
@bakiwop
@PBeyer come on over, we even have a local software company that'd love to have someone like you working for it: apihealthcare.com
@bakiwop
beautiful night for small town baseball ... @Hartford_Hawks ... #gohawks pic.twitter.com/7xXV8kK6l9
@bakiwop
I love this small town stuff #gohawks ... pic.twitter.com/cx7cys69fN
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro now that is truly a compliment coming from you, thank you kind sir!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro looking @ p.123 of my leased 320i' sedan (w/ leatherette seats) user manual you'll see this is precisely how bmw suggests i park
Jul 2013
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro pshaw, everyone knows you only need a "Q" speed rating for living room accessory tires, tire salesman saw you comin' a mile away
@bakiwop
so "hog farmer's meeting" is a thing at the library. pic.twitter.com/RvpHsfZgmU
@bakiwop
I Have Found, she told her therapist, An Honest Day's Labor To Be An Unfulfilling Pursuit.
@bakiwop
time travel involves moving in time & space. if time travel is possible, does that mean time molds space? goddamn i'm drunk early.
@bakiwop
earth selfie: flickr.com/photos/gsfc/93… - nasa releases photo of earth taken from the dark side of saturn by the cassini spacecraft
@bakiwop
I'm A Better Man Than You, he said. I'm A Woman! she yelled, exasperated. Still, he replied.
@bakiwop
instead of cookie monster have letter monster - eats letters (numbers for dessert) & writes after eating #SesameStreetFanFic
@bakiwop
The Desire To Do Nothing, she told her therapist, Increases Every Day.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro so you're saying cvts are gonna be big in florida? (sorry sorry sorry! so wrong...so very very wrong)
@bakiwop
@PBeyer just means you don't suck
@bakiwop
You're Ok With The S-Word But Not The F-Bomb? Well Shit, she said, I Can Honestly Say That I'm Sorry I Said I Didn't Want To Fuck You Over.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer :D
@bakiwop
@PBeyer a bastion of journalistic integrity, is it?
@bakiwop
@PBeyer yeah, i should have gone for "deranged 'cat man' slings furry feline pals at late night hopkins raspberry festival bands"
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i'm worried about ya, i now picture tomorrow's headline reading "deranged 'cat man' shoots into crowd at hopkins raspberry festival"
@bakiwop
Game Over, he sighed, flat-lining on the operating table. Respawn! yelled the doctor, rolling up her sleeves & charging the defibrillator.
@bakiwop
@ElSaborAsiatico the horror...THE HORROR...it flows.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you didn't keep us posted, you fucker.
@bakiwop
happy friday, everyone...and for goodness sake, visit your library: pic.twitter.com/XUC9FbaXuA
@bakiwop
@ElSaborAsiatico how about "curated excrementation copies" instead? 5th grade potty humor...what have i been reduced to?
@bakiwop
so amish romance novels are a thing: pic.twitter.com/cmRctiUebf
@bakiwop
funny bone tickled - "redshirts" by @scalzi. if you get 4 chapters in w/o laughing take a long, hard look @ the kind of life you're leading.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer what i really want is my hand on some of that barbecue!
@bakiwop
"let it go - forgive so you can be forgiven" by t. d. jakes. mr. jakes, you're forgiving the hell outta that coat: pic.twitter.com/x9isl9Bb56
@bakiwop
Looks like some folks in town got their grill on over the weekend (based on book returns today): pic.twitter.com/kmGibewyga
@bakiwop
@PBeyer holy toledo - the place looks AMAZING.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro we see a cts-v in its natural environment: the pumps. notice other vehicles wait for it to finish before approaching #naturedoc
@bakiwop
sheesh...."morale," not "moral"...so flustered i'll type "there" or "their" instead of "they're" wankers.
@bakiwop
no complaints until moral improves: pic.twitter.com/BIzOve6xdl
@bakiwop
memo received from ceo & managers stating there will be no complaints allowed concerning across the board cut to all benefits...mmm...yeah.
@bakiwop
I'm So Scared, she told her therapist, That All The People I've Wronged Are Going To Get To Judge Whether Or Not I Get Into Heaven.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro I didn't say you were the GOOD paid writer... ;)
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro wonderful observations like that are why you're the paid writer while i'm the anonymous internet commenter. well done!
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro better mpg, cheaper insurance, no car payments, probably better crash test rating - based on stats we should just buy matchbox.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer hr folk are people? thought they were a prolific & slightly dim alien race here to enslave us via inane bureaucracy & casual fridays
@bakiwop
@PBeyer right? it's timeless.
@bakiwop
with all this prism/nsa/political-&-economic-b.s., i've finally figured out what this country needs...more cowbell: funnyordie.com/videos/80a71ef…
@bakiwop
@PBeyer hey! homeland security! this guy is getting a little too excited for no reason, dontcha think?
@bakiwop
@PBeyer nsa is SO gonna be all over you butt now. way to go, beyer. #snowdenpresidentcongressnsaamericaciafbipatrriotismleakyleakykeywords
@bakiwop
I'm So Sick, she told her therapist, Of Workplace Break Rooms. The Smells, Sounds & General Atmosphere Mirror The Futility Of Our Existence.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare reading is what manuscripts are *for*
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare read it! read it! read it! read it! read it! read it! read it! read it! read it! read it! read it! read it! read it! read it!
@bakiwop
Foolishness, she said, looking at him & tapping her book while getting off the elevator. Usually Is, he replied, smiling, before hopping on.
@bakiwop
I Feel Like Life Is Just One Big Practical Joke On Me, she told her therapist. It Is, he replied putting on a joy buzzer & shaking her hand.
@bakiwop
Get A Job? Why? Either Your Bosses Are Assholes, You're Coworkers Are Assholes Or You're An Asshole Because You Hate Your Job, she said.
@bakiwop
feeling pretty good about today...think i'll start with dr. seuss' book for obsolete children. pic.twitter.com/PTEXTs8E0p
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare max barry, woo! think you'll especially like this one given the subject.
@bakiwop
SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Quitting The 24-hour News Cycle Now Greatly Reduces Serious Risks to Your Health.
@bakiwop
i am so very confused on this texas hail satan thing - people on all sides of the issue seem to be using it earnestly *and* ironically.
@bakiwop
i hope edward snowden seeks asylum with the american people. we should be helping those who need it & cleaning up our horrible mess.
@bakiwop
Well-, he began. Look, interrupted his therapist, We Can Both Save A Lot Of Time, Effort & Money If You Just Stop Whining & Get Better.
@bakiwop
Smells Like Hippie, he said, cracking his knuckles. Yippee! said the hippie. What? he replied. Huh? asked the hippie. he threw his punch.
Jun 2013
@bakiwop
if you're trying to convince me that watching ads is an "experience," @hulu, you should drop "ad" from "which ad experience do you prefer?"
@bakiwop
nsa storing all our emails/txts/calls/etc.because they've been taken over by alien anthropologists studying the human race. #breakingnews
@bakiwop
seeing these books got me thinking of a jackie chan reboot of the 3 stooges franchise. jackie as larry, mo or curly? pic.twitter.com/0gCMOBsFex
@bakiwop
previous post? proof positive i need an editor. me speak good english.
@bakiwop
proof positive that "nonfiction" not necessarily equal "true" pic.twitter.com/UDJ3kQF8uT
@bakiwop
i further present, to an unsuspecting public, bobblehead jane austen & bobblehead william shakespeare. vine.co/v/hazAjPDxXi7
@bakiwop
gosh darnit all to heck vine is annoying to use
@bakiwop
@PBeyer see? you so get me.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i gotta say, my man, it seems pretty self-explanatory...
@bakiwop
i present, unto an unexpecting populace, the double dog dare ya toilet of doom. pic.twitter.com/XS3c32ymWe
@bakiwop
his cubicle mate on vacation, he threw wild coffee break parties in a brave, yet ultimately futile, attempt to drown out his sense of loss.
@bakiwop
please - pretty please with a cherry on top - remember these things the politicians in the party you voted for did come next election.
@bakiwop
happy "we all almost worked for veridian dynamics" day, thanks for saving us portia de rossi @jayharrington3 & @malcolmbarrett #betteroffted
@bakiwop
exercise or pizza...pizza or exercise...the eternal struggle. choose wisely. pic.twitter.com/WF4Jesr5Ft
@bakiwop
"the mark of international distinction & service to humanity is no longer the Peace Prize but an espionage indictment from the US DoJ" -j.a.
@bakiwop
49 years old, yet "mary poppins" (& dick van dyke: @iammrvandy, natch) are still enchanting a new generation of kids pic.twitter.com/ZZ4DItB8V3
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare it seems like the majority of the books i've been reading lately have been unfulfilling: lots of new authors = pththththththt.
@bakiwop
money money mo' >> money money money mo' >> money money mo' >> - mo'ku
@bakiwop
So In My Dream, he told his therapist, I'm Being Born And Just Before My Head Crowns I See A Sign Reading "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter."
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare holy toledo
@bakiwop
No One Ever Listens To Me! he said to his therapist. I Do, she replied. But I Have To Pay You $250 An Hour To Do It, he cried.
@bakiwop
It Was Not A Happy Ending, he said to his therapist. he lay back on the couch, closed his eyes and sighed before continuing, Yet.
@bakiwop
@MaxBarry not all who work in a library switch off. vartix velkor mannik wissick! write more books! pic.twitter.com/suVflNVDus
@bakiwop
I Miss The Time, she told her therapist, When Gazing Out On Rainy Day Made Me Sad.
@bakiwop
who to follow? @AXE, @Twitter? really? i spend all this time with you and it's like you don't even know me at all.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i totally completely honestly without-a-doubtedly love the way you take a compliment
@bakiwop
@PBeyer now that's art
@bakiwop
breaking news: bipartisan congressional support for new law disallowing use of NSA as computer backup. companies & foreign gov'ts exempt.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro doug, not dying was NOT one of the three factors you said you were considering in your post. give the readers what they want! ;)
@bakiwop
breaking news: companies & individuals foregoing data backups, relying instead on NSA to provide copies of any future data losses.
@bakiwop
NSA Director Keith Alexander has conversation he thought was private heard by others who might now use it against him theatlanticwire.com/politics/2013/…
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro ariel atom
@bakiwop
What Are You Doing! she yelled. The First Time I Shower After We Do Laundry I Use The Guest Hand Towel To Towel Off, he replied, smiling.
@bakiwop
"Goal," "Plan" & "Work," he said kicking up his feet, eating chips. All 4-Letter Words. Fuck! she yelled. Yup, he said, Just Like That One.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you should go walk the mean main street of the hopkins reunion ride with your kids...nothing unites a family like fear!
@bakiwop
You Said It Was Impossible Not To Love Me! he cried. I Know, she replied, smiling as she walked out knowing she could now do the impossible.
@bakiwop
Even My Farts Are Pathetic And Weak, he said, signing the paperwork for the porsche 911 gt3. Not Anymore, smiled the saleswoman.
@bakiwop
Baby, I Sleep A. La. Carte, he said snapping fingers for emphasis. Does That Mean You Sleep Naked, Around Or With Lots Of Food, she replied.
@bakiwop
the library - life lessons for every occasion, folks: "how to shovel manure." pic.twitter.com/EYgFTZMEkH
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare tell him not to worry - the library police are on the case to bust the perpetrators of this horrendous crime.
@bakiwop
obama: choose between privacy/security. yet can't prevent 2 texting/tweeting/emailing/phoning brothers bombing boston marathon. #gotneither
@bakiwop
Billions Of Years Of Evolution Backing Me! he ranted to his therapist. And I Still Sometimes Bite My Goddamn Tongue When I Goddamn Sneeze!
@bakiwop
goodreads.com/book/show/9269… - "Gnomes" by Wil Huygen. "Illustrated observations...habits, anatomy & lifestyle" of *garden gnomes*.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare so what's the difference?
PRISM US Gov @PRISM_NSA
Let's be honest: isn't it a little bit comforting to know that someone out there is listening?
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
They Made Me Take Down My Wind Chimes, he told his therapist. But What If The Wind Just Wants To Make Music? he hung his head and cried.
@bakiwop
@DougDeMuro you are dead to me! dead, i tells ya! dead!
@bakiwop
Variety Is The Spice Of Life, he said when she confronted him with his affair. Then Why Do We Always Sit At Home & Watch TV, she replied.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i was hoping for sexual favors...but fine, we'll do it your way.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you decadent lazy property owners and your bragging! i will apply for serfdom on your estate forthwith.
@bakiwop
Sometimes You Really Just Wanna Do All You Can To Save The World, she said to her therapist. And Other Times You Just Wanna Burn It Down.
@bakiwop
the things they teach kids these days...it just isn't right. pourin' one out for pluto tonight pic.twitter.com/HsJrqHQE95
@bakiwop
@PBeyer congrats on getting a place!
@bakiwop
an alien race who whistles - beautifully, melodiously - as they breathe in & out. it's their language. they change whistle based on mood.
May 2013
@bakiwop
I Believe We Travel In Time & See Our Future Self, she told her therapist. Only What We See Is So Horrifying We Repress All Memories Of It.
@bakiwop
I'm Getting Angry. You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry, he told his therapist, shirt ripping. Another Xanax Prescription, she thought.
@bakiwop
Twitter Is People! he shouted at his therapist in a soylent-greeny way. I'm Sorry, What Now? she replied, looking up from her twitter feed.
@bakiwop
I Can't Decide, she told her husband, If You Act Like A Bad Kid Or Have Simply Retained A Childlike Innocence. he pulled her ponytail & ran.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer every toot is sacred (with apologies to monty python)
@bakiwop
@PBeyer well shit...then you totally suck.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer best. dad. ever.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer sbarro. is there even another realistic choice? sbarro...hands down.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer very nice! looking forward to seeing it in the frame.
@bakiwop
for all those who have willingly sacrificed themselves for their belief in the august ideals of this nation - thank you.
@bakiwop
@kurtisscaletta @jodiwilldare @DJJasonNagel oh dead lord! the ending! pointless! my eyes! the burning agony!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare i'm tellin' ya,,,you're wanna go back in time to before you read this book & not read it.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer but she wants something only YOU can make her and it's free - totally. awesome.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare gotcha. pretty shout...pretty shouty...it's all the same when it comes to that book. i'm so upset just thinking about it again
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare :) i understand. I pity you, but I understand. I've been there, too. Just prepare the gigantic hollow rage upon completion.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare don't say i didn't warn ya. one last try: for the sake of all that is holy...DON'T DO IT. your time is worth oh so much more.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare put the book down. walk slowly away from the book. most importantly... DO NOT KEEP READING THE BOOK!
@bakiwop
not included in the book "120 jobs that won't chain you to your desk?" desk chain tester at the desk chain factory. pic.twitter.com/QdYXncdnhu
@bakiwop
"the best of friends martha & me" & "the complete idiot's guide to getting along with difficult people" side-by-side. pic.twitter.com/XoQUUjuHM8
@bakiwop
"Prithee thee, my lord, sirrah, dowst thou desireth moi sword?" - opening line to the 1930s scifi romance medieval period piece i'm writing.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer rawr! hello there, handsome.
@bakiwop
zirconias & shells #discountedPrincesongs
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare it's easy: you're cool because you don't care about being cool but being you & get befuddled (nice cool word, btw) by cool.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare well yeah, the reason you are too cool for school is because you weren't too cool for school. duh!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare or, you know, too cool for school...
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare that's because you are too cool for school.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare oh yeah! sony walkmans! a portable music device where you could actually replace the battery.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare *grin* totally. feel like i'm in 8th grade. gonna pass a "do you like me" checkbox note to my wife & pop the collar at work.
@bakiwop
my new favorite cartoon: suddenlyelephants.blogspot.com/2012/04/swag.h…
@bakiwop
potential darkside of the new huey lewis curriculum? resurgence of skinny ties, upturned collars & sunglasses that look like window blinds.
@bakiwop
in not completely unrelated news...rhyming "one" and rung" in huey lewis' smash hit "jacob's ladder?" genius! utter genius!
@bakiwop
quick example of the new "huey lewis" curriculum? change "power of love" part of "power of love" song to "george washington." et voila!
@bakiwop
improve child test scores? set class material to huey lewis hits. i haven't forgotten the lyrics in his greatest hits album for over 30 yrs.
@bakiwop
They Made Fun Of Me At Recess, she told her therapist, So I Said 'Sticks & Stones May Break My Bones'...& They Gave Me Sticks & Stones.
@bakiwop
I Had A Dream, he told his therapist. Nathan Fillion & I Were Driving A Camaro. Which Is Weird Because, You Know, It's Usually A Porsche.
@bakiwop
I Want To Live In A World Without Racism Or Color, said rep. pelosi. A World Where The Movie "Undercover Brother" Didn't Have To be Made.
@bakiwop
The Sound Of One Hand Clapping, said the monk, Is The Celebratory Sound Made After One Hand Has Successfully Washed Itself.
@bakiwop
Doc! he cried. I'm Afraid I'm Turning Into An Asshole! Why? she asked. I Just Spent An Hour Talking 401(k)s & Resale Value. he sobbed.
@bakiwop
Sweetie? What're Ya Doing? he asked his daughter. Stepping On Every Crack, she said concentrating on the sidewalk. Mom Made Me Eat BROCCOLI.
@bakiwop
twitter should stop calling 'em "promoted" tweets & instead call 'em "cluttery crappy commercial" tweets - PROMOTED BY @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
breaking: holy ghost, peeved at bieber's nonrecognition in acceptance speech, promises to unleash "10 plagues of bieber" upon stunned world.
@bakiwop
it's not easy being beautiful....AND CURRRRRRRRRRSED!!! pic.twitter.com/OqXIief68n
@bakiwop
We Are The Stories We Tell Ourselves, he said smugly. And You're A Plagiarizer, she smiled.
@bakiwop
I Prefer My Way Of Feeling Bad Over The Way I Feel Bad Coming Here Every Week, he told his therapist. You're Healed, she replied.
@bakiwop
It's So Hard Being The Person I Want To Be! she cried to her therapist. Can't I Just Be The Person I Am? her therapist giggled & said, Nein!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you got it? congrats!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer eat'n in at Wendy's - you go playa.
@bakiwop
Life, she told her therapist, Would Be So Goddamn Boring If Everyone Did The Smart Thing. her therapist replied, I'd Sure As Shit Be Poor.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you are a motherhuggin' genius
@bakiwop
@PBeyer ah, but if i'm impartial to the next wee baby hitler then history will judge me as uncaring toward the plight of decent human beings
@bakiwop
@PBeyer "you brought your bitch to the wafflehut?"
@bakiwop
then again, if I'm not nice to a baby & they become the next hitler i'm worried history will judge me harshly for creating a monster. *sigh*
@bakiwop
i worry that if i'm nice to a baby & it turns out to be the next hitler that history will judge me harshly for my kindness toward a monster.
@bakiwop
Run! she shouted at him. Run For Your Life! But, he responded, For The Life Of Me, Does That Mean I Should Run Toward You Or Away From You?
@bakiwop
I hear ya, alexander...I hear ya. pic.twitter.com/4AQpN2opsy
@bakiwop
'What's Happening,' Twitter? Really Wanna Know Or Just Being Polite Like Everyone Else In This Cold, Cruel World! he cried to his therapist.
@bakiwop
he dropped his phone & stopped it from smashing on the ground with his bare foot which hurt lots so he kicked his phone & broke it & his toe
@bakiwop
@arjunbasu canuckistan
@bakiwop
Hot Diggity! I Love Reading Online Comments, he told his therapist. I Love Seeing How Absolutely Wrong Everyone Else Is All The Time!
@bakiwop
I Just Don't Know, he told his therapist. I Mean, If God Won't Grant Me The Power To Smite My Enemies Or Make Me Rich, Then What Good Is He?
@bakiwop
If Rock Stars - With All Their Talent, Fortune & Fame - Choose To Commit Suicide, What Chance Do The Rest Of Us Have, Really? she sighed.
@bakiwop
Some People Don't Want To Get Fixed, she said, writing out a check. But We're Not Done Here, said her therapist. Yes we are, she replied.
@bakiwop
I Think I Stopped Excelling At Life, she told her therapist, When I Stopped Trying To Impress Other People.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer huggin' a, motherhugger. huggin' a
@bakiwop
mea culpa theya culpa wealla culpa it's true. mea culpa theya culpa without remorse or clue. mea culpa theya culpa wealla culpa boo hoo.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer sorry, it must have been the apple jacks breakfast theater toon i just did.
@bakiwop
Apple Jacks Breakfast Theater Presents...This Pic: pic.twitter.com/KousxBCRxg
@bakiwop
@PBeyer Fuck! Don't you commute? How the hell do you manage to not fucking swear while you're motherfucking commuting?
@bakiwop
hotei's shadow pic.twitter.com/0B3gUR30XP
@bakiwop
@jayharrington3 "better off ted" - amazing writing & acting. stupid senseless it got cancelled. who knew veridian dynamics was based on abc?
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare you just blew my mind.
@bakiwop
@UnusedDomains oooo...good one for the upcoming grilling season.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer tell him you've already seen the series all the way through, thought the ending was weak & have no intentions of purchasing it ondvd
@bakiwop
@thisgirltv you're right, of course. darn it all to heck and back.
@bakiwop
@thisgirltv no. seriously. it is so darned good. i can't believe we have to wait so long for 4 more lousy stinking episodes. cruel!
@bakiwop
@thisgirltv i finally got to watch sherlock after your comparison between it and elementary...OMG FUCKING AWESOME HOLY CRAP AMAZING!
@bakiwop
rumor has it that the u.s. government is going to make the longlist for the man booker prize in fiction when nominees are announced july 23.
@bakiwop
she took an ap government course. during model senate she took bribes & rammed through unconstitutional legislation. A+, said the teacher.
@bakiwop
You Got Fired, he yelled, For Gross Insubordination? Well, she replied, To Be Fair They *Were* Telling Me To Go Fuck Myself. she smiled.
@bakiwop
Beware The Hot Air All The Heck Way Up There For Authority Often Blows It Out Their Derriere. Frequency? Not Rare. & Seemingly Without Care.
@bakiwop
The Lazy Is Strong With This One, he mumbled while turning over in bed, continuing to dream of star wars instead of going to work.
@bakiwop
he auctioned his last twinkie & retired to fiji. ever after he felt life was missing something. on his deathbed he realized it was twinkies.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i know...i know. but just to be in your presence, to bask once again in your warmth, humility and basic, all-around, compassion...
@bakiwop
@PBeyer the 1st rule about lunch group invite is you don't talk about lunch group invite? boy howdy, i sure do wish i still worked with you.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer it's ok to admit, my man. cubicle enuresis - the involuntary voiding of urine in your cubicle - is a growing, country-wide, problem.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer don't get fooled! "push my boss down" is a memory aide for a new managerial method: Percolate-Matriculate-Bloviate-Devastate.
@bakiwop
Percolate (let ideas bubble & froth) Matriculate (enroll coworkers to help) Bloviate (discuss at length) Devastate (destroy the competition)
@bakiwop
i simply cannot wrap my head around the concept of having leather clothes as part of a daily wardrobe. see it often 'round these parts.
@bakiwop
& what a weird head-space to be in to listen to 3 straight hours of nickelback on auto-repeat @ full volume. cheaper than hard drugs, though
@bakiwop
it can now be said, officially, without a doubt, that 3 straight hours of nickelback on auto-repeat at full volume is 3 hours too much.
@bakiwop
goddamn nickelback, you glorious bastards. #wealljustwannabebigrockstars.
@bakiwop
@UnusedDomains while i appreciate the follow, no need. my tweets are barely interesting once - you don't need a double up! save yourself!
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi i did. but it was a close thing. she was really laying it on thick. :)
@bakiwop
Why Pay For The Whole BDSM Thing, she said to her friend. Want Humiliation? Get An Office Job. And They'll Even Pay You For Your Ignominy.
@bakiwop
dear lord (stop) my 15-mo-old niece is a gas giant (stop) she is in a perpetual gaseous state (stop) send chemical warfare suit stat (stop)
@bakiwop
Right, said the genie. You Get One Wish & It Isn't To Free The Slave From Its Magic Lamp? Fine, 'The World's Greatest Slice Of Pizza' It Is.
@bakiwop
"philanthropists & their legacies." unfortunately, going by the pic, the legacy is "let me touch you for a buck, kid" pic.twitter.com/WzjoVVCCdh
@bakiwop
how long do you think steve guttenberg has been waiting to use the title, "the guttenberg bible" for his memoirs? pic.twitter.com/hjNbamQKaI
@bakiwop
@PBeyer and I love you, too, man. i've loved you ever since that day you got me fired
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you just made me cry a little. next time I see you, you get a big hug and all the free beer you can drink.
@bakiwop
and with some regard to my previous post, do you think that ghosts might have a sense of smell?
@bakiwop
take a brief moment, if you would be so kind, to imagine just how horribly often an invisible person must get farted on.
@bakiwop
titled: spring >> cherry blossoms bloom >> bloom bloom bloom motherfuckers >> goddamn allergies
Apr 2013
@bakiwop
life...the whole thing just reeks of effort.
Entertainment Weekly
✔
@EW
@edgarwright You're a winner to the 'Scott Pilgrim' screening! DM us for details. #EWCapeFest
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
@PBeyer right? now i'm all nostalgic for the pre-comment/advertising days, you know, when you had to code html by hand both ways up hill.
@bakiwop
tripod and angelfire are still around. time to go make a dancing gifs website and then submit it to the yahoo and lycos search engines.
@bakiwop
@thisgirltv new gig? that is AWESOME!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare Dooooooon't forget me when i'm gone...
@bakiwop
dreamt all night about writing new episodes of the original "90210" tv show. also, never drank bourbon after just having woken up before.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare @PBeyer & given the fact that she's 15 mos. old means she doesn't have a lot of choice right now, you know, in almost anything
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare @PBeyer well, i say we've got her listening to it but she seems to like whatever we play. and she dances and tries to sing.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @jodiwilldare poison? talk dirty to me.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare @PBeyer coldplay! ach! you know, there should really be laws about who is allowed to procreate...
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare @PBeyer we've got my 15 mo.old niece listening to ac/dc, vivaldi, b.b. king, ella fitzgerald, garbage & janis joplin.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer oh dear lord, is this what i have to look forward to with my niece? the inhumanity of it all!
@bakiwop
You Know, he said watching a dog. We All Chase Our Tail In Life. I'm Cheating On You, she said. Damnit! he replied. I Said Chasing 'A' Tail.
@bakiwop
We Would Value Your Input, Ralph, said the ceo at the board meeting. I'd Like To Put It In Ya! replied ralph. the board voted 'nay.'
@bakiwop
You Are, she exclaimed, As Useless As This Metaphor!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer tell him going will be your tip. and he should comp the meal. and dessert. and a coupon for the next meal free. and the next one.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @jodiwilldare *sniff* y'all are just beautiful.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare see? and here I being all critical about a book...in public even. look how I'm growing as a person.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare it's like someone told him that boring pseudo-philosophy is the same interesting
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare #%&@$##%! iwas afraid of that. someone said he was funny. I don't get the joke unless it's on me.
@bakiwop
someone please tell me that chuck klosterman's "the visible man" is worth the 125 pages of insane sick ickiness i've experienced thus far.
@bakiwop
@ElSaborAsiatico oh dear lord! and the bad parr is it's pretty darned good...you know...as fae as chris gaines fan fiction is concerned.
@bakiwop
...people in this tweeting area should be aware that blackout conditions may occur & should not leave the house unless absolutely necessary.
@bakiwop
...total beer accumulation expected to be 10 to 12 pints with strong localized shots & a possibility of overflowing stomach and bladder...
@bakiwop
a strong external crazy front is moving into my high pressure internal grumpy system leading to a strong chance of heavy drinking tonight...
@bakiwop
i hereby resolve, on this 26th day of april in the year of our something or other two thousand and thirteen, to say "boink" more frequently.
@bakiwop
had this great workup about a person from planet mearth who found joy & amusement in every little thing & found it's kinda been done. crap.
@bakiwop
finished osha chemical & blood spill training for work. take away point: for any nasty spill mop up with superfluous staff or nearby patron.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer try "glad-slapping" and "back-handing" to liven up those UX cubicles. Show the AE folk you can party hearty, marty.
@bakiwop
@ElSaborAsiatico tell them a me me is all all about you you and everyone everyone else else passing along ideas ideas & behaviors behaviors.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare you, too, must live in a parallel universe time vortex portal thingamabob. i wonder why they are generated by homes? hmmm...
@bakiwop
i must assume, given i cannot keep clocks in my home showing the same time, i live in some parallel universe time vortex portal thingamabob.
@bakiwop
it seems so enormously unfair that the monsters among us get to go around looking like normal human beings.
@bakiwop
lamentor ex libris /n/ - the feeling you get after purchasing a book & realizing you cannot bring yourself to finish it see also: goddamnit
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare movies do seem less a personal thing than books. although i'll probably get off my moral mountain here soon & criticize away.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare i would also like to point out that, in that last tweet, i got the right number of 'c's and 's's in "occasionally." so happy.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare i do, occasionally, too: matthewbaiocchi.com/wall-e_galacti… matthewbaiocchi.com/spiderman_3.php matthewbaiocchi.com/30_days_of_nig… sucky things are sucky
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare not in the least. i'm saying i rarely have the heart to publicly critique it when it's bad. although, damn, these books sucked
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare i know. & i know they're bad. but someone worked so hard on them. it'd be like kicking a puppy. a published puppy, i tells ya!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare given how hard it is to write a book/get it published i would feel absurdly bad badmouthing someone's work. #todaysisabsurdday
@bakiwop
i'm absurdly upset about the last couple of books i've read. bad. so bad. so very bad. so very painfully bad. so very painfully utterly bad.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare nope. i checked. can go either way. you're so good you didn't even know how good you were.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare holy toledo! i always thought it was kowtow. being from wisconsin "cow-tow" means something else entirely. #liveandlearn
@bakiwop
dearest boston globe, washington post & publishers weekly - regarding my recent book purchase based in large part upon your reviews: pththt!
@bakiwop
@ElSaborAsiatico like blue-collar shriners. wonder what kind of hats they'd wear? i'm going with those baseball/beer/straw hat thingies.
@bakiwop
we can send a man to the moon but we still can't poop properly in space (hint: floating was involved) via; @lbaiocchi cosmiclog.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/04/…
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi need 2 hours with Lucky stat!
@bakiwop
i'm scared silly & trying to remember i'm an adult & don't believe in boogeymen & thinking that's how horror stories start & crap crap crap.
@bakiwop
i'd hoped "have a new husband by friday" was wacky fiction but then read the blurb & saw the non-fic catalog label. pic.twitter.com/bXvBuwZtW7
@bakiwop
at its heart, our galaxy tastes like raspberries, smells like rum & there's 10 billion billion billion liters of alcohol to be had. party.
@bakiwop
universe = 70% dark energy + 25% dark matter + 5% normal (you/me/everything we see) matter. we are outliers. celebrate our absurd existence!
@bakiwop
someone got their pratchett on @ the library! pic.twitter.com/GjJAqzMaSO
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare :) i have absolutely no idea what I was thinking. i've put it on hold as well.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare @JoshACorman @elizmccracken got the giants house on hold. owen meaney? a prayer for Owen meaney?
@bakiwop
@JoshACorman @jodiwilldare thanks anyways, josh.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare put on hold at the library - thanks!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare @JoshACorman @BookRiot y'all have anything terry pratchett/douglas adams/tom holt/chris moore/a. lee martinze -y to recommend?
Dresden Codak @dresdencodak
The Last Starfighter isn't on Netflix because we live in the worst of all possible realities.
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
yes...yes...that carefully staged profile pic of you flipping off the camera does indeed show off your defiant/brazen/radical frondeur side.
@bakiwop
never say "the" (in german) #failedmotto
@bakiwop
Goddamnit! he said to open the meeting. I Forgot To Wear Underwear. and they all knew it was true because it was his first powerpoint slide.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare doubleheader! wait until you hit the trifecta!
@bakiwop
I'm So Amazing, he said, That I Know To Tell Everyone How Amazing I Am Before Anyone Has Even Had The Thought That I'm Amazing.
@bakiwop
sad: drinking alone. sadder: drinking alone without wanting to be alone. saddest: drinking alone without wanting to drink or be alone.
@bakiwop
sometimes one must really *commit* to mediocrity & it is, in fact, these very times when i wonder if it's worth all the hard work & effort.
@bakiwop
the human brain is so meta
@bakiwop
@TheWeightSaint i hope your days are filled with joy & contentment.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare chug! chug! chug! chug! chug! (well, ok, but you get the idea)
@bakiwop
i 've been strangely haunted, for the greater part of this day, by my imaginings of what richard simmons might be like when in a bad mood.
@bakiwop
just how, exactly, can one tell when a pringle is stale? & have the pringles people been selling us stale pringles all along? #conspringlecy
@bakiwop
there he was just a walkin' down the street singin' doo-ah-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-do 'til he got thrown in jail for public intoxication.
@bakiwop
whatever happened to the whole "acid rain" thing from the 80s?
@bakiwop
my wee little niece is the potentate of potent toots.
@bakiwop
perhaps not the best phrasing for the title of the blurb section on a book about the assassination of lincoln pic.twitter.com/y2quueJAy3
@bakiwop
the state of our children's math & science cereal box education is, quite frankly, appalling. #nochildleftbehind pic.twitter.com/lctvuSqrhy
@bakiwop
new "evil dead" remake - best anti-drug psa ever.
@bakiwop
so i introduce the off-centerpiece. home design for the utility inclined! (fine, i'm just lazy...but still, right?) pic.twitter.com/qZVoAlIUxo
@bakiwop
the centerpiece is one of the most annoying, useless pieces of decoration. every time i use the table i must move it. pic.twitter.com/wazt7Mm2Rt
@bakiwop
there are times when i fear that life is really about trying to return netflix dvds as quickly as possible.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer oh man, i sincerely hope you checked for plaques in the bathroom.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare @PBeyer y'all are missing out, nothing like a bracing kick to the head to let ya know what to expect from the rest of the day.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @jodiwilldare cheater! i used to use the electronic alarm sound but I wanted a bigger challenge, so now I pay someone to kick me.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare it's people like you - those who don't simply mindlessly consume - who are ruining this great nation of ours.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare for me, today, it's a BMW X5, Tampax Radiant and a subscription to Money magazine.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @jodiwilldare tropical? that is sooooooo cheating.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare twice is twice as nice - my respect for you deepens daily.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare totally! my spite list is long indeed.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare @PBeyer - now now, jodi, just cuz he's better at it than us doesn't mean we have to viciously attack that lazy sloth of a man.
@bakiwop
paradise is a pressed 'snooze' button.
@bakiwop
some of the best sleep i get comes after hitting the 'snooze' button, knowing i'm sleeping instead of doing something productive.
@bakiwop
i love the sound of my alarm clock so much that i hit 'snooze' time and again just to hear that melodious electronic buzzing noise.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i envision a bleak future where hordes of scruffy cubicle dwellers scavenge supplies from RIF'd coworkers in this down economy.
@bakiwop
it is distressingly easy to forget that, as political constituents & bank customers, we are, actually, the boss.
@bakiwop
think how bad committees are @ accomplishing anything worthwhile then try not to cringe when realizing we rule our politicians by committee.
@bakiwop
get 239 days of vacation a year, free healthcare & choose your own salary - socialist paradise or united states congressperson?
@bakiwop
congress: the same people who get to vote on their own salary don't have to take a paycut due to the #sequester thehill.com/blogs/on-the-m…
@bakiwop
obama - good on ya for giving up 5% ($20,000) of your salary, but you did so voluntarily. #sequester nytimes.com/2013/04/04/us/…
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare jimmy fallon better watch out, i think jay leno might end up being the brett favre of the late night world,..forever retiring.
@bakiwop
every time north korea threatens us with nuclear weapons i imagine them catapulting 1970s microwaves at us while yelling "capitalist swine!"
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare damn, i just got totally pwned...and with such style. you win this round, chromey...you win this round.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare omg! i would LOVE to learn more about the writer/musician/artist/etc.sheila heti! LOVE to!
@bakiwop
folks, friendly reminder: on-ramps are for accelerating (/v/ to go faster) to highway (/n/ place you'll get smooshed going slowly) speeds.
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi so did dominos come or what? why you gotta leave us hangin'?
@bakiwop
just finished godfather movies-seems michael corleone got exactly what he didn't want by being exactly the kind of man he didn't want to be.
@bakiwop
dprk head of state title: supreme leader. accuracy: 100%. missed opportunity head of state title: chief eternal supreme emperor infinity god
@bakiwop
dprk official motto: powerful and prosperous nation. accuracy: 33%. missed motto opportunity: powerous and prosperful nation.
@bakiwop
democratic people's republic of korea. name accuracy: 25%. missed name opportunity: independent united democratic people's republic of korea
@bakiwop
dprk responds to increased u.s. radar coverage by broadcasting "north korean idol" & "dancing with the supreme people's assembly" 24 hrs/day
Mar 2013
@bakiwop
what, exactly, would "inauthentic" french brioche be? pic.twitter.com/seAhrsU6V2
@bakiwop
catholic biz i work for pays holiday pay on the day of their lord & savior's brutal murder but not the day of his miraculous resurrection.
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi hopefully someday he'll figure out what winning actually is.
@bakiwop
Work pic.twitter.com/ia5KgaT1b8
@bakiwop
@pedantrix decades of confusion lifted - thanks!
@bakiwop
@pedantrix but in movies when someone is going on a date & their friend says it salaciously - like they're saying do anything & everything?
@bakiwop
i've never been able to wrap my head around the phrase, "don't do anything i wouldn't do." not once. even after researching it online. s#%t,
@bakiwop
@PBeyer and just where is this alleged list of links, hmmmmmm?
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi socks story: m.rollingstone.com/?redirurl=/pol…. and HSBC story: m.rollingstone.com/?redirurl=/pol…
@bakiwop
guy steals tube socks worth $2.50, gets life in prison & fined $2500. HSBC knowingly launders $15b for drug cartels, no jail, fined $1.9b.
@bakiwop
you think with all the free time retired supreme court justices have they watch daytime tv, drunkenly kibitzing judge judy decisions?
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i love you, man
@bakiwop
@PBeyer let me know how it goes and can i see your reader site when you get it up and running?
@bakiwop
parents want their kids to be better off than them so i'd like a moment of silence for all the trust fund kids who aren't as rich as ma & pa
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi i'm goona have to go with the big o on that one.
@bakiwop
oyce (noun/interjection): ice the neighbors should've cleared from the sidewalk a month ago which you slip on daily during your morning walk
@bakiwop
i'd so enjoy hearing the '83 soviet version of "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" from "meri poppins, do svidaniya" imdb.com/title/tt008593…
@bakiwop
more work pic.twitter.com/PcS7kkLlZH
@bakiwop
work pic.twitter.com/MwImN5VIPq
@bakiwop
Because...That's Why, my wifely wife explained explanatorily, pulitzer prize for fiction, here i come!
@bakiwop
when ya flush a live bug down the swirly porcelain-white-light toilet-tunnel what if that's actually what our near-death experience is, too?
@bakiwop
BIPARTISAN: matthewbaiocchi.com/bipartisan.php - "All (chanting): It Is Not A Perfect Acronym But Good Enough For Government Work." #therutabaga
@bakiwop
@PBeyer that is brilliant - theon1on.com
@bakiwop
"And it's still true, no matter how old you are - when you go out into the world, i's best to hold hands & stick together." #AmendmentXXVIII
@bakiwop
"Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Take a nap every afternoon. Wonder. Look. Love." #AmendmentXXVIII
@bakiwop
"Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush." #AmendmentXXVIII
@bakiwop
"Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess." #AmendmentXXVIII
@bakiwop
grand bargain, fiscal cliff, bailout, torture - we need to amend constitution with "all i really need to know i learned in kindergarten."
@bakiwop
both the european union & the international monetary fund want cyprus government to tax existing bank deposits to bailout cyprus banks. #eep
@bakiwop
I'm Handsome Joe, Pleased To Meet You, he said. But You're Ugly, she replied. It's Ironic, Like When I Said 'Pleased To Meet You,' Joe said.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer but the extra commute time gave you more time to send that tweet. it's a blessing is what it is really.
@bakiwop
Blackmail Is Such An Ugly Word, he said. That's A Little Racist, she replied. What? he asked. Huh? she said. commence awkward silence.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer my goodness, they look so grown up! and happy :)
@bakiwop
@PBeyer 'fraid so. but he was very upbeat about the whole thing.
@bakiwop
a guy came up to me today to congratulate me on getting the job he applied for then said he'd lose his house if he didn't find a job soon.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer cigar, eyebrow, vocabulary - you are monocle & tophat away from complete badassery.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer it's that crazy cool eyebrow work you've got going on that seals the deal
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare which begs the question, what's wrong with "at the end of the day?" at the end of the day it's just "at the end of the day."
@bakiwop
papabile & vaticanologist are words. if you aren't picturing a vomiting pope next to cardinals vulcan saluting by a volcano, i weep for you.
@bakiwop
i stop paying attention to world events for 1 day to take care of this newegg thing to find the pope thinks he knows what child abuse is?
@bakiwop
did i mention today that newegg sucks giant hairy donkey balls? #eggregious
@bakiwop
newegg doesn't tip the pizza delivery guy.
@bakiwop
newegg drinks all the coffee in the coffee pot without brewing a fresh pot.
@bakiwop
newegg claims to have beaten han solo's record making kessel run. newegg also kicked chewbacca in the berries.
@bakiwop
newegg likes nuts in their chocolate. the barbarians.
@bakiwop
rumor has it newegg was on the grassy knoll.
@bakiwop
little known fact: newegg rounds pi to 3.1, the bastards. happy pi day.
@bakiwop
knock knock. who's there? newegg. newegg who? newegg sucks.
@bakiwop
it's my understanding that newegg was the company that sold amelia earhart her navigation unit. & didn't include the "included" ac adapter.
@bakiwop
i'm not saying it's true but i've heard that when newegg opened its new warehouse in portland that kittens started disappearing. & babies.
@bakiwop
newegg & 2 friends go to a park. newegg says, Hey! Let's Go Kick Those Puppies Over There. who'm i kidding, newegg doesn't have any friends.
@bakiwop
newegg, hitler & pol pot walk into a bar. hitler & pol pot look at each other & say, No Way We're Drinking With Newegg, then walk out.
@bakiwop
newegg? more like stupid-doody-poopyhead-egg. crappy-crummy-ickycowpooey-egg. screwegg shrewegg pooegg. #eggregious not #eggcellent #newegg
@bakiwop
@PBeyer "outraged consumer pants?" love it. my justice jeans are lying around here somewhere. rookie mistake buying from newegg. #eggregious
@bakiwop
newegg sells me a laptop with the wrong ac adapter, blames me, won't replace. not #eggceptional customer service, newegg. most #eggregious.
@bakiwop
Breaking News: Firemen Put Out White Smoke Fire At Conclave, Vatican All Wet #therutabaga
@bakiwop
white smokin' via chimney stokin' signals brand new pop'n with brand new hop'n from funny hat folk'n who ain't never jokin' 'bout pope vot'n
@bakiwop
white smoke from conclave toke signals chosen pope.
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi i had no idea the number was so high!
@bakiwop
the conclave doesn't actually pick the pope - rumor has it that the finger of god comes down from on high & wet willys the chosen one.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare and so ends the great easter dots experiment of 2013.
@bakiwop
said when discovering the griddle was broken after having already made the pancake batter: Fine, Then *You* Eat My Broken Pancake Dreams.
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi right? like the federal telephone excise tax to fund the spanish-american war that is still mostly on the books?
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi did someone mention turning? :)
@bakiwop
based on what many people in govts & corps do i feel like i'm in an adult version of "the giving tree" only i've no choice in being the tree
@bakiwop
@angelcollins1 hey angel! how the heck are ya? yeah, the pope is big news lately. :)
@bakiwop
Breaking News: "Mass Confusion" Not Actually A Band Name. Also - Mass Confusion Not Confusion At Mass (In This Instance). #therutabaga
@bakiwop
Breaking News: Vatican Never Considered Indie Rock Group "Papal Inaugaration" For Papal Inaugaration Due To Mass Confusion. #therutabaga
@bakiwop
Breaking News: Vatican Also Cancels Appearance Of Papal Inaugaration Opening Act "Papal Cutback" Due To Papal Cutback. #therutabaga
@bakiwop
Breaking News: Vatican Cancels Appearance Of Indie Rock Sensation "Papal Position" Due Papal Cutback. #therutabaga
@bakiwop
Breaking News: God Smites Believers For Failing To Support Vatican Staff In The Lifestyle To Which They've Become Accustomed. #therutabaga
@bakiwop
Breaking News: Vatican Decides To Cut Staff - Including Currently Unfilled Papal Position - Due To Declining Church Attendance. #therutabaga
@bakiwop
@PBeyer right? went around with my analog wristwatch comparing it to all my digital clocks. this fall i'm thinking of breaking out a sundial
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi yeah,i expected that :)
@bakiwop
good lord help me, i actually liked "hot tub time machine" - sincerest apologies to all my loved ones & anyone else whoever believed in me.
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi ooo, burn!
@bakiwop
I think USA could be ok if politicians were sold on listening to us regularly instead of us regularly listening to how they sold us out.
@bakiwop
I think USA could be ok if politicians voted on the merits of a bill instead of letting lobbyist bills merit their vote.
@bakiwop
I think USA could be OK if politicians voted for their constituents instead of vying for their constituents' votes.
@bakiwop
I think USA could be ok if dems stopped pretending they weren't for corp. interests & gop stopped pretending they were for small government.
@bakiwop
stock market now officially above pre-recession highs. that's it folks, anything you can't cope with financially is now solely your fault.
@bakiwop
just look at those creepy crazy eyes & smiles. won't somebody please think of the children...the children, people! pic.twitter.com/BsdKCkpSbk
@bakiwop
"Best Buy cuts 400 corp. employees to save $150 million." $375k per employee? also: ceo says "employees disposable" lifeinc.today.com/_news/2013/03/…
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare what? like, in a row? sheeeeeiiiiit. good on ya.
@bakiwop
sequestration - mix of "series" "quest" & "castration" - which unfortunately translates to "looking for a number of things to *ahem* cut."
@bakiwop
corporate-speak-wise we've gone from employee to personnel to human resource to human capital to the probably forthcoming human chattel.
@bakiwop
@colinmochrie thought you were harrison ford's mexican sidekick, marcus broma, in the upcoming indiana jones movie "laughter of the titans."
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare 1st time? woo! then you're in for a treat. isn't it just marvelous when a new author sideswipes you like that? enjoy!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare i read "attachments" by rainbow rowell & dug it. i'll be interested to read your review of her new one.
@bakiwop
he was an evil man, but not a bad one - he might attempt to destroy civilization as we know it but he'd pick up the tab at the after party.
@bakiwop
Are You Ready, Dear? he asked. Yup, she replied. You Don't Want To Make Fun Of Me Again First? he inquired. Nope, she said, smiling.
@bakiwop
It's Like The Eternal Trials Of Those Tragic Greek Heroes, he cried to his therapist. I Just Don't know If I Can Sit In That Cubicle Again.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer my man, maybe you should stop trying to make eggs!
@bakiwop
our water of perpetual illumination. now, if i could just get it to turn into wine. pic.twitter.com/F2vaIrPFEC
@bakiwop
place the baby food next to the condoms with a spill response station in between. well played, walmart. well played. pic.twitter.com/MQ6mYLRuCm
@bakiwop
Derriere Drug Mule: matthewbaiocchi.com/derriere_drug_… - "Yes, I believe convicts well on their way to rehabilitation use the word 'tush.'"
@bakiwop
But You Said You'd Love Me Forever, he cried. Baby, she replied, Forever Is A Long Time.
@bakiwop
Obama to Republicans: "I can't Jedi mind meld a budget deal." Boehner response: "It's a trap!" Americans: "This is all highly illogical."
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare imagine billy bob jovi, billy bob dylan & billy bob joel w backup vocals by billy bob idol & billie bob holiday on 'piano man'
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare but your typo was hilarious! i was thinking all billy bob jovi and imagining him playing a mean breakdown on the banjo.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare Bob Jovi? Is that like Val Morrison, Mel Tallica and Janie Joplin?
@bakiwop
Obama: "Now witness the power of this fully armed and operational federal budget. Full impulse power!" #jedimindmeld
Feb 2013
@bakiwop
i'd just like to take a brief moment to thank all you wonderful amazing people who've shown me kindnesses both big and small over the years.
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi sorry to get your hopes up - that's just my opinion.
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi you know...stuff.
@bakiwop
a curl of unease as the short hairs rose on the back of her neck, goosebumps blossomed on her forearms & her breathing grew shallow & quick.
@bakiwop
if welfare folk have to get drug tested to receive taxpayer money then executive officers of bailed out banks and politicians should too.
@bakiwop
that anxious, ecstatic, anticipatory frisson you get just before starting a new book - start it or ride out the vibe? the eternal question.
@bakiwop
so how many of you got to carry around a cup of your own urine today?
@bakiwop
@that1guy please release more DVDs for purchase of your concert appearances. i love the music, but being able to SEE you perform is AMAZING.
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi awwwwwwwwwwwww come on! again? freakin' blackhawks.
@bakiwop
can't get the idea of a "mad about you" sitcom sequel out of my head - @HelenHunt & @PaulReiser are grandparents in NY. it hurts my brain.
@bakiwop
I Am Heartened, he began, That Despite Myself, People Are Willing To Love Me.
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi awww, come on. blackhawks again?
@bakiwop
great googa mooga - it seems the best way to find legitimate jobs these days is to search with "rockstar," "guru" and "ninja" as keywords.
@bakiwop
cuz possessions, man, are like ghost possessions, only our possessions, like, possess us, man, just like ghosts do, but with stuff, ya dig?
@bakiwop
snow shovel snow shovel snow shovel snow shovel snow shovel snow shovel snow shovel snow shovel snow shovel snow shovel snow shovel snow...
@bakiwop
Arachnattack: matthewbaiocchi.com/arachnattack.p… - where thousands of spiders descend from the sky to suck out all your bone marrow. bummer.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare @PBeyer jodi - bad news - he's already written a book, the smug bastard. he's a heck of a writer, when he, you know, writes.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare you kidding me? totally looking forward to it.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare woo!
@bakiwop
just how does the inside of a throat itch, exactly, anyway?
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi never abby! she's my favorite four legged girl!
@bakiwop
when i see a lapdog yapping away at me i can't help but think it's asking me, ever so politely, to help it achieve flight...with my foot.
@bakiwop
Children Prefer Things In Cages: matthewbaiocchi.com/children_prefe… - kids prefer dead great white sharks to toys & prisoners? balderdash!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i literally laughed out loud! that's hilarious.
@bakiwop
dear u.s. gov't, please revisit the original star wars trilogy to help you remember if it's the good guys or bad guys who torture people.
@bakiwop
you're the hotmail maintenance department & you want me to give you all my personal & financial information? ok, i'll get right on that.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare i hope you remembered to pour a bit out for your feline homey.
@bakiwop
definitely no laser guided laser guns in star wars, ewoks more accurate with sticks and stones than imperial trained troops with laser guns.
@bakiwop
curse you george lucas for all the star wars movie changes over the years, i feel like a weak minded fool you're using jedi mind powers on.
@bakiwop
when storm troopers board the ship at the beginning of star wars i can't help but imagine the actors going "pew pew" while acting the scene.
@bakiwop
too big to fail too big to jail too big to ail too big to curtail too big to derail too big to assail too big to quail too damn big to nail
@bakiwop
spent all night watching horror movies, discovered i'm not nearly as scared by freddy, jason & leatherface as i am by bankers & politicians.
@bakiwop
everything i'm reading about confirmation bias proves how right i am about it.
@bakiwop
when spelling "skeptic," please do not forget the "k," it is, otherwise, a whole nother ball of wax.
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi right? found it floatin' around online somewhere...kinda like a big #2
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi he looks so comfy!
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare shiny!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer that absolutely positively did work for some reason. astounding!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer we need a real life example of this new socialization tool, can you do it in the form of a knock knock joke?
@bakiwop
Boom Chakra Chakra Chakra, Boom Chakra Chakra Chakra, Boom Chakra Chakra Chakra. Boom. Boom, sang the dalai lama when meeting sly stone.
@bakiwop
the horror of creating, living with & raising a child for nearly 2 decades then realizing you don't understand them even a bit = parenthood.
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi i did not :(
@bakiwop
The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants, she said, sharpening the blade. And What My Heart Wants Is Your Heart. she smiled.
@bakiwop
red for valentine's day because of the rivers of blood flowing through the streets from the slew of lovers who gift poorly.
@bakiwop
according to this survey: lifeinc.today.com/_news/2013/02/… - 4 in 10 people have had an office romance. the other 6? just in it for the sex.
@bakiwop
Everything You Say Is So Absolutely Worthless, she continued, That Even The Emails You Send To Yourself Go Straight Into Your Junk Folder.
@bakiwop
↓↓↓↓↓↓ Clowning Around At Midnight ↓↓↓↓↓↓
@bakiwop
he discovered, as the clown slowly pulled the blankets from him revealing its whiteface smile, red nose & razor sharp teeth, that it wasn't.
@bakiwop
he trembled under the blankets in a puddle of his own urine & wondered if it was true that blankets were nightmare & boogeyman kryptonite.
@bakiwop
as his bladder let go, soiling the mattress, he thought, Well That's One Problem Solved. then he saw the clown's silhouette in the doorway.
@bakiwop
scared in bed & bladder full, he thought of trying for the bathroom until he heard the faint sound of an oversized shoe scraping a stair.
@bakiwop
he awoke with a start - all goosebumps and raised hair - then heard the clown from his nightmare whispering his name from the basement.
@bakiwop
↑↑↑↑↑↑ Clowning Around At Midnight ↑↑↑↑↑↑
@bakiwop
I've Had It With These Motherfucking Thetans On This Motherfucking Plane Of Existence! yelled Samuel L Jackson in the new Scientology movie.
@bakiwop
to all the people following others temporarily to see if they'll follow you back - stop it, you're just embarrassing your needy-ass selves.
@bakiwop
Second-Graders And NFL Players Living In Harmony: matthewbaiocchi.com/second_graders… - kids learn sex ed from 300 lb., blushing, tongue-tied NFL players?
@bakiwop
@PBeyer cut it out with love, patrick, with love.
@bakiwop
perhaps using the phrase "cure frigidity" in a query letter was not as good an idea as i'd originally hoped. stupid submission guidelines.
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi i'm trying to write my own greeting cards :)
@bakiwop
i like that our love is, like, love. like, like the love that i, like, like is, like, love that i love because, like, it's, like, love.
@bakiwop
he could afford a clown for a weekend or cable tv for a month. even after the 5th pie to the face, he still felt he'd made the right choice.
@bakiwop
Look, she slapped him again. I'm Not The One Slapping You, Obviously My Subconscious Is Working Something Out. he felt better about it.
@bakiwop
shuddering, he walked through the door, icy fear enveloping him, panic paralyzing his voice so he could but only whimper the word: cubicle.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare you are GOOD! i so stand corrected.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare does life get any better? well, maybe if we found out the cookie fairy was real...
@bakiwop
Man Recently Decides Moon Landing Probably Did Happen: matthewbaiocchi.com/man_recently_d… - new 'the rutabaga': "Um, sure...yeah...it probably did happen"
@bakiwop
@PBeyer woo! muchas gracias.
@bakiwop
great googamooga - just received my first official rejection letter (about my writing) ever. pour one out for me tonight.
@bakiwop
One Billion Euro Computer Brain: matthewbaiocchi.com/one_billion_eu… - digital Gandhi erupts fully formed from the bowels of a billion € research facility
@bakiwop
@ConanOBrien or, for the days when you're sick and things aren't going so well toilet-wise, sad trombone.
@bakiwop
I Can't Believe You Gave Away My Superball, he told his wife. She Was 1, said his wife, And She Gave It Back. Yeah, he replied, But Still.
@bakiwop
Humiliation, the self-help guru said, Is Just A Wonderful Combination Of The Words "Human" & "Jubilation." Embrace Your Humiliation!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i knew it! you're not helping your daughter write HP fan-fic, you're actually in the band harry & the potters: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_and…
@bakiwop
Um, Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune &, she said flipping off her middleschool science teachers, Pluto Bitches!
@bakiwop
Mom...Dad, she said, shuffling her feet. Before I Show You My Report Card, I Just Wanted To Remind You Both Of How Much You Say You Love Me.
@bakiwop
learn to do #2 while trying to be #1: "2-in-1 iPotty with Activity Seat for iPad" ctadigital.com/item.asp?item=… via @nevverdaily pic.twitter.com/USSrAimT
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @jodiwilldare you know, it's true you rat bastard. not only did you get me fired but you never - not once! - gave me a butterscotch.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer @jodiwilldare if y'all choose to continue on with the butterscotches i'm afraid i'm going to have to call you both "grandma."
@bakiwop
The Power Of Cheese: matthewbaiocchi.com/the_power_of_c… - "It'd be just like the Aurora Borealis with cheese!"
Jan 2013
@bakiwop
@ALeeMartinez that would be wonderful! (don't care if i get to vote for 'em, DO care that i get to read 'em).
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi ooooo, sound like he isn't going quietly!
@bakiwop
You Know, he said, trying to waggle his eyebrows sexily, I Live With My Mom So I Can Afford To Buy You Dinner. he smiled. At Wendy's Even.
@bakiwop
Random Acts Of Politicalness: matthewbaiocchi.com/random_acts_of…
@bakiwop
@PBeyer gah! Go sign on the internet with your 56k modem and check your AOL email before browsing metafilter.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer OP delivers!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer pics or it didn't happen!
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi execs and gov't both seem to need a refresher on kindergarten-level ethics, & i'm sure they could all use milk, cookies & a nap.
@bakiwop
i so badly want to make a joke out of this but i just can't get one to come. the 1st ejaculation known to mankind - brainpickings.org/index.php/2013…
@bakiwop
good news for all minimum wage folk - the government DOES grant wage increases after all! Washington Post: washingtonpost.com/business/repor…
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi I posit that the lord almighty has a bumper sticker sense of humor. god also likes those "coexist" bumper stickers.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare that is just a spectacular use of "onus." spectacular!
@bakiwop
i fear someone might have already encoded a message in our dna which states: "if you can read this you're too close." - cbsnews.com/8301-205_162-5…
@bakiwop
approach. he smiled. she smiled back. embarrassed, he stopped. confused, she frowned. upset, he scowled. distraught, she wept. depart. fin.
@bakiwop
he slumped in his beige chair in front of his beige computer in his beige cubicle. But We're Supposed To Be Made Of Star Stuff, he cried.
@bakiwop
Honestly, Ireland, It's Like You're Not Even Trying Anymore: matthewbaiocchi.com/honestly_irela…
@bakiwop
No swimming attire at Rikers Island? Darnit to heck! Anyone have a nail file and a cake? nyc.gov/html/doc/html/… via @Rmcortes @MacMcClelland
@bakiwop
Dear Lance Armstrong, Winning has little to do with fame, money or trophies. To actually win? At life? Try integrity. Try compassion.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer tell her to start a blog with her HP fan fic - she can make millions, i tell you, millions!
@bakiwop
Said Deep Space Industries CEO Gump,"Asteroids are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.": cnn.com/2013/01/22/us/…
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi thanks!
@bakiwop
Birds Do It, Bees Do It: matthewbaiocchi.com/birds_do_it_be…
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi it's so easy to forget, though, that we're human and that being a part of something bigger doesn't absolve us as individuals
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi nuthin' :)
@bakiwop
corporate greed & political corruption. it's too easy to blame corporations & governments when it's really just people choosing to be bad.
@bakiwop
@PressSec: "messages...subject to the PRA and may be archived." good. stop torturing people, spying on Americans & bailing out the assholes.
@bakiwop
prefer the criticism that will do you good to the praise that deceives you (with apologies to François de La Rochefoucauld)
@bakiwop
Elementary, My Dear Watson: matthewbaiocchi.com/elementary_my_…
@bakiwop
LOTR is just a giant game of monkey in the middle. i bet that's how sauron got so evil in the 1st place - losing at monkey in the middle.
@bakiwop
Lloyd Blankfein: 'Still Doing God's Work' - matthewbaiocchi.com/lloyd_blankfei…
@bakiwop
okay all you tumblr philosophers with your reblogs about how to love & live a better life - i get it: i'm doing it wrong. bugger off.
@bakiwop
y'know, i'd be very happy indeed if i even ocassionally spelled occassionally correctly w/o having to look it up. gosh darnit all to heck.
@bakiwop
Stone Age Mortgage: matthewbaiocchi.com/stone_age_mort…
@bakiwop
Honestly, Dear, she said, cocking the gun. Who, Exactly, Sets The Goddamned Television Remote By The Goddamned Television?
@bakiwop
can't get the image of snoop dogg, 50 cent, ice cube, jay z & ll cool j playing hip-hopscotch out of my head. chalk, rap, gin & juice.
@bakiwop
Fat Is The New Black: matthewbaiocchi.com/fat_is_the_new…
@bakiwop
know what, ms. corporate automated telephone voice? no. i don't believe your menu options have recently changed. i don't believe it at all.
@bakiwop
love is excitement & monotony, boundless & momentary, growth & ruin, confident & desperate, order & chaos, perfect & flawed, common & rare.
@bakiwop
love is being able to experience something fully and completely while being neither full nor complete ourselves.
@bakiwop
New Year Throughout The Years: matthewbaiocchi.com/new_year_throu…
Dec 2012
@bakiwop
Woo! he said nearly fumbling the soap in the shower, That'd Be Bad. an inmate looked over & knocked it from his hands. Oh, he replied sadly.
@bakiwop
it seems so very unpatriotic that the url cialisviagrapetraeus(dot)com goes to an illegal canadian online pharmacy and not an american one.
@bakiwop
2 hertz employees watched 17 clowns load into the single, subcompact car they'd reserved. Clown Convention's In Town, said one to the other.
@bakiwop
Socks For Christmas: matthewbaiocchi.com/socks_for_chri…
@bakiwop
titled: ah, crap: horifically >> disastrously terribly >> utterly in love
@bakiwop
Goddamn Mayans, he mumbled, dragging himself out of his stupid bed to his stupid car to his stupid traffic-filled commute to his stupid job.
@bakiwop
he skinned his compose new tweet box to read "'Sup *head nod*" instead of "What's happening?" it made him feel like he had actual friends.
@bakiwop
Home. pic.twitter.com/C2qHLEBK
@bakiwop
Santa FBI Ten Most Wanted Fugitive - matthewbaiocchi.com/santa_fbi_ten_…
@bakiwop
cut and past movers - ctl x & ctl v: controlling the unknown to get you & your stuff to the right place fast.
@bakiwop
I Want Batman, he cried. I'm The Boss, she said giving him aquaman. OK, he replied. superfriends underoo themed corporate retreat? success.
@bakiwop
Ninja Day Care - matthewbaiocchi.com/ninja_day_care…
@bakiwop
588-2300 Empire! said the TV. What? she asked. 588-2300 Empire! repeated the TV. I Can't Hear You, she replied. is.gd/1H2xTu #tvads
@bakiwop
drink after drink she slowly blurred into the vision of his ideal woman. when perfection was reached, he celebrated with vomit & a blackout.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare a gedney pickle jar? can't say that'd be a bad way to live, assuming you read out loud to your stored souls once-in-a-while.
@bakiwop
@jodiwilldare it's the cutest zombie hypnotist penguin of the season! it's staring into my soul - my soul! - saying, "ho ho ho" over & over.
@bakiwop
after the storm sunlight streamed through the clouds & glistened on the fresh snow. Fuck! Joe yelled after dropping his keys in a snowdrift.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer models these days create such unrealistic expectations of appropriate body image ... bbc.in/VyHtFr
@bakiwop
we are snowflakes: matthewbaiocchi.com/we_are_snowfla…
@bakiwop
the clown army nose-honked and big-shoe high-stepped their way across the battlefield, bringing new meaning to the phrase "special forces."
@bakiwop
There's No Need To Wish You To Die A Slow And Painful Death, she said to her ex, I've Seen You For The Past 11 Years - You Already Are.
@bakiwop
poo flinging midlife crisis: matthewbaiocchi.com/poo_flinging_m…
@bakiwop
the true test of a person's character is what they do when they think they can get away with it.
Dave Gilson
✔
@daudig
Federal agency that faked moon landing says Mayan Apocalypse is a hoax mojo.ly/Sxyupw #skeptical
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
he put on a toga, a crown of laurel leaves & raised a grape over his mouth. Oh Yeah, he thought, dropping the grape, Roman As A Motherfucker
Nov 2012
@bakiwop
Make Love, Not Peace! she yelled. Don't You Mean W---, he managed before she ripped his clothes off and threw him on the bed. Oh, he smiled.
@bakiwop
Nothing really mattress... pic.twitter.com/KhTzYp4h
@bakiwop
Keep Calm and Merry On --- --- --- pic.twitter.com/9P0ZMi90
@bakiwop
dearest taco bell, it is not a single mint i need included with every purchase, but rather a pepto bismol chew tab. sincerely, bakiwop.
@bakiwop
Beer, he demanded. the barkeep raised an eyebrow. Please, he said. the barkeep stared. Pretty Please With Sugar On Top. the barkeep poured.
@bakiwop
Goddamnit! he cried, chucking the remote @ the tv. It's Like You Can't Even Hear Me! the bears played on, oblivious to his amazing coaching.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer still have that thing? you know you're not supposed to love it, nurture it & keep it warm until it hatches, right? pass. that. shit.
@bakiwop
wealth redistribution: process wherein some folk complain if forced to give other folk billions while taking trillions from them. #polyticks
@bakiwop
Puny Citizens Of Earth, he said, stomping - Godzilla-style - around the 1-year-olds at his daycare. I Shall Teach You To Walk & Potty Train.
@bakiwop
Goddamnit! cried the deacon, goofing up yet again. You Know, replied the pastor, This Is Why Our Religion Can't Have Nice Things.
@bakiwop
We Have A Very Good Life Together, she said, a tear in her eye. he turned to her, Hold On To That Thought Tightly, Dear... he began.
@bakiwop
brewster's millions reboot: presidential candidates must waste $2.5b campaigning so citizens can inherit $16b in debt from uncle sam.
@bakiwop
That's The Stupidest Fucking Thing I've Ever Done, he said, turning to her. And I've Done Some Really Stupid Fucking Things.
@bakiwop
if you're going to vote today, please vote for someone, not against someone. nobody but political parties win when you vote against someone.
@bakiwop
le pitre petite mort - their bow ties twirled furiously as they simultaneously hit the high notes on their kazoos. clown sex...go figure.
@bakiwop
Oh Yeah! he tweeted to his 8 followers, The Ladies Love Me!. All These Beautiful Women Keep Following Me And Offering Me Stuff. I'm The Man!
@bakiwop
god's anterograde amnesia is an olly olly oxen free for billions of future sinners.
Oct 2012
@bakiwop
they entered the halloween house of horrors & encountered the unemployed, homeless vets & campaigning politicians. no one made it out alive.
@bakiwop
They Say That Love Is The Light, he mumbled to himself, chopping her into finer & finer pieces, But It's Not. It's The Dark...It's The Dark.
@bakiwop
Why Won't You just Die! he yelled at the monster chasing him. Hey! Wait A Minute Now! That's Just Using Words To Hurt, replied the monster.
@bakiwop
There Will Be No Talking, intoned the pale man in the dark suit, gesturing inside. However, Scream As Loud & Long As You're Physically Able.
@bakiwop
↓ The Rousing ↓ #CheesyHalloweenMovieTitleEvenThoughThisIsNotAMovieButRatherTextAndNotALotOfTextAtThatBecauseItIsAsYouKnowTwitter
@bakiwop
they laughed about it & fell asleep in each others' arms without stirring as the monster, watching from the corner, slid toward them.
@bakiwop
You Awake, Hon? said her husband caressing her arm, getting back into bed after peeing. You Okay? You're Clammy & You Kinda Squeaked There.
@bakiwop
she felt the mattress groan with weight as something brushed up and down her arm. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! she cried to herself repeatedly.
@bakiwop
she felt the sheets pull up & away. It's Getting Into Bed With Me! she screamed to herself as her vision clouded gray with terror.
@bakiwop
she strained to hear the slightest movement as she blinked furiously at the alarm clock to test her theory. Shit, she thought. Can't Tell.
@bakiwop
she focused on the glowing numbers of the alarm clock. 2:27. Wait, Why Did The Numbers Just Wink Off & On? she thought, Or Did I Just Blink?
@bakiwop
she woke abruptly. Something's In Here With Us, she thought, frozen with terror. Something's In Here With Us And It's Getting...Closer.
@bakiwop
↑ The Rousing ↑ #CheesyHalloweenMovieTitleEvenThoughThisIsNotAMovieButRatherTextAndNotALotOfTextAtThatBecauseItIsAsYouKnowTwitter
Admiral Ackbar @AdmiralAckbar
IT'S A TRAP!
Retweeted by @matthewbaiocchi
@bakiwop
electshun, noun: the process whereby a voter is forced to choose for office somebody who they would not normally tolerate. #polyticks
@bakiwop
pole-ing place, noun: a designated place during an official election where, no matter what ballot is cast, one takes it up the... #polyticks
@bakiwop
two-party system, noun: a system where, no matter who is elected, both parties celebrate their stranglehold on american politics. #polyticks
@bakiwop
campaign finance re-form, verb: the ability to circumvent and/or subvert a law designed to remove money from politics. aka pac. #polyticks.
@bakiwop
dissin'franchisement, transitive verb: politicians' insidious inundation of personal affronts leading to one's despair in voting. #polyticks
@bakiwop
paytriot, noun: a corporate entity (or, according to the u.s. supreme court, "person") who purchases rule of law via legal means. #polyticks
@bakiwop
byepartisanship, verb: the casting of aspersions toward members of the opposing political party. aka the neener neener code. #polyticks
@bakiwop
debait, noun: ludicrous & often untrue words & phrases politicians cast at one another to try to reel one in hook, line & sinker. #polyticks
@bakiwop
campain, noun: the intense throbbing in the front of the head one gets after listening to campaigning chuckleheads too long. #polyticks.
@bakiwop
Leave Me Alone! cried the lone leaf. I Think You Mean 'Leaf Me Alone,' replied the rake with diabolical glee, tines sparkling malevolently.
@bakiwop
I'm Beginning To Believe, she sighed, turning the TV off after watching the latest political ad, That Voting Just Encourages Them.
@bakiwop
Bipartisanship! yawped the politician. You Keep Using That Word. I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means, replied Inigo Montoya.
@bakiwop
he ran down the street in his favorite underoos yelling, I Am Batman! as his wife stood in the doorway, shouting for him to come back home.
@bakiwop
I'm Feeling Mean, she said. Anyone Have a Puppy I Can Kick? The Cuter The Better. Or A Kitten? I'm Not Picky, she finished hopefully.
@bakiwop
Kill 'Em All And Let God Sort 'Em Out! she shouted. But Sarge, he said, You're An Atheist. I Didn't Say It Was A Perfect Plan, she replied.
@bakiwop
How'd It Feel Being With You? You Know How When You're Wiping Your Bottom & The Toilet Paper Rips & You're Like 'Ew?' Yeah, Just Like That.
@bakiwop
i done did it, she said. done did it good? he asked. done did it good, she answered. ya did? he asked. done did it good and done, she said.
@bakiwop
nicp (new independent christian party) brings bible-based christian values to politics. theme song? "everybody must get stoned" by bob dylan
Sep 2012
@bakiwop
"Apes Enjoy Slapstick Humor" - is.gd/1fStkY - #ThisJustIn via @lbaiocchi
@bakiwop
hmmm...go to rev. moon's funeral or the dnc? one is filled with a mindless fervor of fanatical devotion, the other is rev. moon's funeral.
@bakiwop
↓↓↓ bob the future sun god buys his first grill ↓↓↓
@bakiwop
a billion years later the newly evolved intelligent life on jupiter gazed upon the second, brighter, sun in the sky & chanted Bob, Bob, Bob.
@bakiwop
You Should've Read The Lighter Fluid Directions, said bob's wife, hands on hips, a split second before becoming fuel for the newborn star.
@bakiwop
bob cooked the burgers to such a degree on his new grill that he started an actual fusion reaction, turning the earth into a second sun.
@bakiwop
↑↑↑ bob the future sun god buys his first grill ↑↑↑
Aug 2012
@bakiwop
why aren't the rnc and dnc conventions held simultaneously in the same city? think of the possibilities! the awesome awesome possibilities!
@bakiwop
"...but only slightly less well-known is this: Never go in against the Republican National Committee when Ron Paul is on the line!"
@bakiwop
“Haha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is ‘never get involved in a land war in Asia’..."
@bakiwop
hmmm...go to burning man or gop convention this year? one is filled with foul, dirty, radical, uneducated misfits; the other is burning man.
@bakiwop
surgeon general warning: politicians may cause dyspnea, nausea, hypertension, infertility, syphilis & death. listen at your own risk.
@bakiwop
he was a substitute rodeo clown - women adored him, men wanted to be him and he took no bull. Yipee-kiyay, Motherfucker.
@bakiwop
Holy Is As Holy Does, says forrest gump jesus. (and life truly is like a box of chocolates).
@bakiwop
assholes to the left of me, assholes to the right, here i am, stuck in the middle with you.
@bakiwop
is.gd/PXkBgr - "Twilight" Is REAL, People. REAL! he said, glistening with perspiration, clutching his jacob plush doll to his chest.
@bakiwop
he farted in line at starbucks. loudly. odorously. no nearby dog or baby to blame so he raised his hands like nixon & yelled, Hello, Fresno!
@bakiwop
she couldn't handle the olympics withdrawal, so she wandered around aimlessly, awarding medals to random neighborhood children.
@bakiwop
lying on the couch, he sniffled repeatedly. Depression Or Cocaine? asked his therapist. Do I Have To Choose? he replied.
@bakiwop
tsa beats congress is.gd/59y9KN & prez is.gd/xr8bwM - people prefer chance of rectal exam to dealing with elected official.
@bakiwop
It's A Good Thing I Like Baked Beans And Pixie Sticks, she mumbled as she slipped under the sheets. What Was That, Dear? he asked.
@bakiwop
Life, she smiled, slowly twirling the blade. No One Gets Out Of It Alive.
Jun 2012
@bakiwop
@momorgan seems like you're both the better half - kick cancer's @ss! Our thoughts and hopes are with y'all.
May 2012
@bakiwop
baby, you're like a nearly empty plastic bottle of ketchup: squeezable. #RejectedHallmarkCards
@bakiwop
I Want World Peace & An End To World Hunger, said the beauty contestant. So You're Into Boring Fat Guys? asked the pageant judge hopefully.
@bakiwop
I Wanna Be A Clown, he said. A Clown? she asked. Yeah, he smiled, Wear Funny Clothes & Make People Laugh. But, she replied, You Do That Now.
@bakiwop
the creator of the cupcake? diabolical genius. they are, simultaneously, so very yummy & so very nearly impossible to eat with any dignity.
@bakiwop
give me the troubled, the mad, the certifiably insane, the lost, those so confused they cannot function, for they, at least, are honest.
@bakiwop
a mere 140 characters & i *still* need an edit feature. goshdarnit all to heck.
@bakiwop
destiny woke him up early, fate burnt his coffee, karma tripped him on the stairs & luck ripped the seam of his pants. Goddamnit! he yelled.
@bakiwop
he'd been so sure the uncertain first five times he'd pulled the trigger, but now, on the sixth...final...certain...attempt, he hesitated.
@bakiwop
Why Do You Write? he asked. For The Same Reason I Breathe, she replied. To Live.
@bakiwop
the 1st - & only - time he saw her, his heart beat so hard it knocked him over. as he lay on the ground dying from a heart attack he smiled.
Apr 2012
@bakiwop
Well, she said, standing over him while he clutched his groin, writhing in pain, At Least Now We Know Who The Asshole Is.
@bakiwop
I'm Gonna Rock My World, he said, kissing her. You Mean *My* World? she asked, kissing back. 30 seconds later he proved himsef right.
Mar 2012
@bakiwop
@PBeyer look here you knuckledragging rat bastard. 2 things over 4 weeks or so hardly counts, you ginormous bowel movement of a man.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer well, thanks. and while i appreciate the kudos, what I'd really like is more writing from you on tdb.
@bakiwop
I Worry About Life After Death, he said. I Worry About Life Before Death, she replied, idly making shapes in her gravy with her fork.
@bakiwop
america's economic policy: pyramid scheme?
@bakiwop
They didn't get the job.
@bakiwop
Right, replied the interviewer. 'Cause That Response Is So Original. Well At Least I'm Not A Corporate Sell-out Whore, said the interviewee.
@bakiwop
Think Outside The Box, said the interviewer. You Mean Like You Just Did With That Cliched "Wisdom?" replied the interviewee.
@bakiwop
@ElSaborAsiatico heck, was excited for a moment that you might actually be writing again. you tease.
Feb 2012
@bakiwop
@TinyDeadBunny it was pretty hard, what with you being tiny...and dead...and quick like bunny.
@bakiwop
I Don't Know What Else To Say, she sighed. Then Don't Say Anything At All, he replied, moving in to kiss her. E=MC²! she blurted.
@bakiwop
the handless, armless eye of sauron was powerless against frodo's three stooges-style attack. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk, said frodo to gandalf.
Jan 2012
@bakiwop
I Feel Sorry For People Who Died In The 80s, she said, For They Died Believing Skinny Ties And Duran Duran Were The Apex Of Civilization.
@bakiwop
he left all he'd known behind- his wife, his house, his pension- to form a neil diamond mariachi tribute band. Los Diamantes Mariachis. Olé.
@bakiwop
Oh No You Di'unt, she said. Oh Yes I Di'id, he said. Oh No You Di'unt, she said. Oh Yes I Di'id, he said. finger waggle. finger waggle. fin.
@bakiwop
Oh Crap! he said, wide-eyed, to his interviewer. You're Going To Do It Aren't You? You're Actually Going To Ask Me What Kind Of Tree I'd Be!
@bakiwop
...and they laughed happily ever after...
Dec 2011
@bakiwop
Goddamnit! he cried to the mass of humanity around him. Respect Isn't Something You Earn, It's Something You Lose!
@bakiwop
when the priest finished the eulogy, fifty oversized red clown noses honked into fifty brightly colored handkerchiefs in sadness.
Nov 2011
@bakiwop
You Know, the clown said to the bewildered civilian, The Large Bump At The End Is For The Clown Shoes. Clown Caskets Are "L" Shaped.
@bakiwop
There's Nothing More Beautiful, he sighed, wiping the painted on tears from his whiteface makeup, Than A 21 Squirting Flower Salute.
@bakiwop
he had to go to work but he didn't want to go to work but he had to go to work but he didn't want to go to work but he had to go to work but
@bakiwop
watching the first snowfall of the season, ever larger white drifts turned orange in the brightening streetlights, left him in darkness.
@bakiwop
Thank God I Was Scared Shitless, he said. Why? she asked. Because It Means I Only Peed My Pants, he replied.
@bakiwop
Lord! he cried into the night, face & fists raised to the darkness above. Why Have You Forsaken Me? Because, replied the lord, You're A Twat
@bakiwop
@PBeyer that and s. singing that gosh darned song for the better (or, actually, worse) part of the night. village people are evil.
@bakiwop
↓YMCA↓
@bakiwop
the judge, a normally stoic & rational woman, shuddered - recoiled - at seeing the strange arm gestures. Not Guilty! she declared.
@bakiwop
Why? asked the judge. while making the Y M C & A shapes, the accused said, To Save Humanity.
@bakiwop
And To Destroy A Certain Song Based Upon The Young Men's Christian Association - Yes, Your Honor, replied the accused.
@bakiwop
You Left Your Family, Studied Physics For 20 Years & Built A Time Machine...All To Kill These So-Called "Village People"? asked the judge.
@bakiwop
↑YMCA↑
@bakiwop
I Feel Dead Inside, she moaned. Maybe That's Because You're A Zombie, said the host. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! chanted the audience.
Jul 2011
@bakiwop
he & his trophy wife walked from his trophy house to his trophy pier located on his trophy lake & stepped onto his trophy yacht. trophy.
@bakiwop
he finished writing his memoir, titled, "some things that may have happened."
@bakiwop
ALAS! she cried. WAIT...WHAT? he asked. YOU GIVE ME SHIT ABOUT LEAVING THE TOILET SEAT UP BY SAYING 'ALAS?' she replied, FORSOOTH, VERILY.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer ha! ha! that is so funny! and original! it reminds me of the time i decided to get rich by following this link: http://bakiwop.com
Jun 2011
@bakiwop
@PBeyer where were you when it happened?
@bakiwop
No! he said. Yes! she replied. No! he yelled. Yes! she cried. No! he hissed. Yes! she seethed. No! he implored. Yes! she demanded. Weep. Fin
@bakiwop
we're naught but the fevered dream of a napping god digesting a dodgy chimichanga. Beware Paco's on 6th, mumbles the lord between snores.
@bakiwop
the owners of the bikram yoga studio threw a toga party where clients slammed chai tea in a semi-circle while chanting Yoga! Yoga! Yoga!
@bakiwop
I Love Hot Days Cuz I Get Free Ice Cream! he said to the stranger on the curb just before flinging himself in front of an ice cream truck.
@bakiwop
i've found my reason to have kids: "You don't want to see your dad...in a wedding dress waving at you on the bus," Rain said. j.mp/itKAwz
May 2011
@bakiwop
kick a puppy? tell off the boss? do something you just plain shouldn't have? try S&P's Guilt Avoidance System & feel better now. it's a GAS!
@bakiwop
@PBeyer wait until you start buying liniment, old man.
@bakiwop
Da, gurgled the baby, reaching for his dad, His First Word! said the maid. Pinko Commie Bastard Of A Son, grunted his dad, a u.s. senator.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer bring it, beyer, bring it!
@bakiwop
goddamnit! what do i need to do to get a rapture up in this mutha?!
@bakiwop
Rapture, she said. Huh? he replied. I Go To Heaven, You Stay Here, she said. You're Going? he asked. Yes, she replied. Promise? he asked.
@bakiwop
Him: But I Thought I Didn't Get The Job? Her: We Like To See How Our Best Candidates Deal With Failure, There's So Much Of It In Life.
@bakiwop
breaking: bin laden's neighbor, "glad the world's no. 1 terrorist dead, sad i won't be able to borrow osama's lawnmower anymore."
@bakiwop
and city names like "islamabad" and "abbottabad" sound as peculiar as "dizzy dean" and "daffy dean" in "who's on first" ... yeah.
@bakiwop
because A=abbott and C=costello and since abbott/abbottabad with abbott saying they have "peculiar, strange, pet" names in who's on first...
@bakiwop
because...abbott and costello/abbottabad/who's on first/substitute pakistani city names for baseball player names because abbott is...yeah.
@bakiwop
A:It seems to me they give these Pakistani cities nowadays very peculiar names. C:You mean funny names? A:Strange names, pet names.
Apr 2011
@bakiwop
I'm Sorry? asked his therapist. Hmmm? he replied, Oh, Nothing...Nothing. I'm Just Mumbling Amongst Myselves.
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi dork
@bakiwop
blotto the clown's carnival rides: the boozy-go-round, tilt-a-whiskey, rummy coaster, wassail-o-rama, teacup and souse'r & the hammer'd.
@bakiwop
tax day: the day most of us formalize giving money we don't have to people we didn't vote for for programs we don't approve of.
@bakiwop
@momorgan you need to come to the states this weekend: http://hedgehogrendezvous.com - Hedgehog Rendezvous Hedgehog Shows
@bakiwop
he walked into the diner. everyone stared. I'm The Man, he thought. Zip Your Fly, thought the diners. Sheesh, No Underwear, thought his mom.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you know, someday you're going to start writing an drawing again so i can pimp your wares, too.
@bakiwop
Get Ready For An 80s Flashback Weekend! smiled the dj. Flashbacks Are A Symptom Of PTSD, she growled, turning off the radio. #hatethe80s
@bakiwop
over dinner & wine: I Love You, Tina, he said, holding out a ring. Will You Marry Me? You Were One Word Away From Perfection, replied Tanya.
@bakiwop
Call Me 'Force Majeure,' he said. Misfeasance, she replied. Malfeasance! he yelled. Nonfeasance, she yawned. lawyer repertory theater.
@bakiwop
april fools' day officially over. upcoming national fools' days include 4/1/2012 & 11/6/2012. state & local fools' days may vary.
Mar 2011
@bakiwop
@PBeyer c'mon beyer! i'd pay good money to see you ride a bull in only a tight wet t-shirt, cowboy hat & boots with spurs. GOOD money.
@bakiwop
Well, Mr. High & Mighty, she harrumphed. You Think Very Highly Of Yourself, Dontcha! If I Didn't, he replied, No One Would. he ducked.
@bakiwop
waking to the sounds of waves breaking on a beach & a stranger calling him Honey, he saw a ring on his finger. Shit, he thought, Not Again.
@bakiwop
as he got ready for work, he cried. Don't Worry Kids, said his wife to their kids' sleepover friends. He Does This Every Day. he vomited.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer why i oughta...
@bakiwop
the ex-clown told the world her story, which became known as "God's Circus" & was given as proof that god's chosen are humans, not clowns.
@bakiwop
then, lightning struck each clown. giant floppy shoes flew off clown feet & red noses gave a final, pathetic honk. clown denouement.
@bakiwop
the clowns, seeing her now as human, performed - for no clown can help but perform around humans. as the storm raged they threw cream pies.
@bakiwop
save one young clown who stood her ground, stared up into the storm & cried, Human! as her baggy pants & oversized shoes filled with water.
@bakiwop
it rained. the clowns ran, desperately hiding their faces from one another as their whiteface smeared, showing signs of their lost humanity.
@bakiwop
"poor is a state of mind, broke is, 'godDAMNIT i need a nickel!'" - not quite dave ramsey
@bakiwop
"not until the pain of the same is greater than the rain in spain falling on the plain will you embrace change." - not quite dave ramsey
@bakiwop
"success is a pile of failure that you are standing on, unless it's dog poo." - not quite dave ramsey
@bakiwop
“live like no one else today, for tomorrow you may die." - not quite dave ramsey
@bakiwop
he watched the wind play delicately with her dress, the light & shadow dance across her face. 35 Bucks, she said, nodding toward a motel.
@bakiwop
I Don't Want To Fight Anymore, she said. Good, he replied, I Didn't Mean To Sleep With-. she punched him. Changed My Mind, she said, smiling
@bakiwop
Think Outside The Box, said her boss. so she walked out of the 8x8 cubicle, the 70x70 cube farm, the 180x180 office bldg & into a new life.
@bakiwop
as they kissed he said, I Lo-, but she interrupted, Don't Ruin It With Words. & so with only looks & touches their marriage lasted 37 years.
@bakiwop
they talked. for hour & hours they talked until the words ran out & all they had left was the way they looked at each other. they kissed.
@bakiwop
I Need To Have A Few Words With You! she yelled. I'm Guessing, he replied, That Those Words Don't Include 'Love' Or 'I Made Breakfast.'
@bakiwop
↓↓↓↓↓ ignore the tweet below, i simply couldn't help myself ↓↓↓↓↓
@bakiwop
yo mama so fat yo daddy bought her at a 2-for-1 sale. #yomama
@bakiwop
↑↑↑↑↑ ignore the tweet above, i simply couldn't help myself ↑↑↑↑↑
@bakiwop
Dearest America, There's already a place where you give up freedom for security - it's called a prison.
@bakiwop
collective bargaining? think of it as Groupon for stuff you'd actually want like a decent retirement plan & affordable health care.
@bakiwop
Wow, she said, That's Really Something. Absolutely Amazing. Stunning. Astounding Even. I'm Utterly Flabbergasted. so he washed the 2nd cup.
@bakiwop
his bow-tie wouldn't stop spinning, his nose wouldn't stop honking & his flower wouldn't stop squirting seltzer - this is a clown's bad day.
Feb 2011
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i would like to thank my fans, the director, the entire production crew, my agent, my co-stars, my family and friends, my wife...
@bakiwop
Enough, said her teacher. But-, she cried. Stop! he said. I'll Stop When Wave-Particle Duality Is Explained To My Satisfaction, she yelled.
@bakiwop
he slips again. hard. horns? silent. arms? lowered. a pause. a heartbeat. a lone, slow clap. & all join in with ardent, thunderous applause.
@bakiwop
crossing the snowy street, he slipped & fell. horns honked & people pointed as he slowly got up, brushed off, looked around & took a bow.
@bakiwop
it was snowing. again. so he drank. again. it stopped snowing. he kept drinking. Outlasted Mother Nature, he said, grabbing another bottle.
@bakiwop
after nearly a week with a head cold, she'd concluded that we humans were naught but mucus producing machines.
@bakiwop
In My Defense, he said to his new wife after falling asleep during her recitation of wedding vows, You *Were* Going On & On.
@bakiwop
@angelcollins1 absolutely wonderful name for a movie! i would hope for a sequel titled "gnomes need love 2: the secret of the pointy hat"
@bakiwop
@PBeyer you have it worse - frontiersmen could communicate any way they pleased, you're blocked by THE MAN. frontiersmen would pity you.
@bakiwop
he put on his 'friday' labeled underwear on monday. That'll Show My Wife, he thought as she cut the crust off his tuna sandwich.
@bakiwop
they told their 4yo girl she had a tail & watched her run around in circles trying to find it. I'm OK Not Having A DVR Now, said the wife.
@bakiwop
@henderob i'll lay in a generous supply of nails & beads (& ramen) for gifts
@bakiwop
You're My Heart Of Hearts, he said. Hardy Har? You Bastard! she yelled, leaving. he wished he'd bought her a hearing aid instead of flowers.
@bakiwop
Djibouti! What am I, 12? Next stop Sheraton Djibouti Hotel, then the Djibouti Barber Shop. Djibouti! http://4sq.com/dJEDmD
@bakiwop
It's Freaking Me Out Doc, he cried, When I Try Having Sex Now, All I Can Think About Are The Smiling Sperm & Ovum From My Kid's Sex-Ed Book.
@bakiwop
he died (cardiac event). in heaven he saw ex-wife #1 (natural causes) & ex-wife #2 (electrocution-don't ask) talking & giggling & pointing.
@bakiwop
I Want Complete Honesty, she said. No Lies. so he oiled up, put on his 13EEE pumps & sashayed into the room. Honestly? she said. I Love It!
@bakiwop
To Me, She's An Open Book, he proclaimed. his friends laughed & lifted beers. Now, he continued, If I Could Only Read The Language. silence.
@bakiwop
he feared he'd goofed when, introduced to the woman interviewing him - one Rosé Cristal McMammary, he said, Hey, That's My Porn Star Name!
@bakiwop
he stood, victorious, king o' the hill - weeping children lay scattered 'round the snow pile beneath him. his wife said, I Want A Divorce.
@bakiwop
"3 clowns & a shovel" snow removal service was a hit. people loved watching 3 clowns trying to use 1 shovel in a snowstorm. bliss.
@bakiwop
they shoveled. him: Snow Is Like A Woman, Only Pretty At First. her: Snow Is Like A Man, Always More To Deal With. they got a snow blower.
Jan 2011
@bakiwop
@PBeyer it's guy love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL4L4Uv5rf0
@bakiwop
@PBeyer aw shucks, now you're getting me all misty eyed. i love you, man.
@bakiwop
he watched the 1st snowflakes fall gently to the ground. C'mon If You're Tough Enough, he yelled, shaking his fist into the gathering storm.
@bakiwop
@angelcollins1 thanks angel :) now, i think the ? all YOUR followers want answered is - do you get to expense all these great places you go?
@bakiwop
You're Looking For Your Princess? she asked. No, My Princes, he replied. But Mine Wear Pretty Pink Dresses, she said. So Do Mine, he smiled.
@bakiwop
You're Always Clowning Around, she said turning away. But Honey, he replied, honking his big red nose, You Hired Me For This Birthday Party.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer i fear i may already have said too much.
@bakiwop
No! he screamed. YOU'RE Using An Older Version Of Twitter That Won't Be Around For Much Longer! he wept quietly over his bowl of cheerios.
@bakiwop
does social (& mainstream) media make us like the belcerebons of kakrafoon? what 'good gig' will save us? who will be our disaster area? #42
@bakiwop
The Key To Happiness Is To Be Happy Wherever You Are, he said. Look, she replied, If You're Too Cheap To Take Me On A Vacation, Just Say So.
@bakiwop
the librarian shushed repeatedly but the patron wouldn't stop talking loudly to herself, so he asked her imaginary friend to leave. silence.
@bakiwop
he'd done it! he invented time travel! he could finally go back & see that Klymaxx concert he'd missed in '86. it'd change his life forever.
@bakiwop
she'd had a very bad week. God May Be Testing You, he said. she looked to the heavens & screamed, Is This Going To Be On The Final?
@bakiwop
Do You Love Your Wife? his friend asked. I Love "A" Wife, he replied. Isn't That Good Enough? the divorce papers he received suggested "no."
@bakiwop
it snowed. White Power! yelled the klansmen, burning a cross. using its warmth & light, the kkk's protesters shoveled away the snow. #mlkday
@bakiwop
@scott_ad thanks for the kind words, scott!
@bakiwop
he'd gone sledding to recapture his childhood & was now cold, wet & had broken his arm. Mission Accomplished, he told the ER nurse.
@bakiwop
she put on her snowsuit & walked uphill - both ways - to school. Take That Mom & Dad, she yelled, 8-year-old fist raised into the snowstorm.
@bakiwop
she pushed the stranger's car free from the snow. God Bless You! said the driver. I'm An Atheist, she replied. You'll Burn In Hell, he said.
@bakiwop
the snow swirled & the tree branches twirled as the wind whirled, it was alliterative rhyming tuesday & mother nature wasn't messing around.
@bakiwop
starting my own business. picked up a great book on fostering a business culture of success http://j.mp/dMi0Kf - see you on the fortune 500!
@bakiwop
clown chain gang for hire: ditches dug, roads paved & trees trimmed. childrens' parties a specialty. help rehabilitate clown convicts today!
@bakiwop
Violence Never Solved Anything, he said. she punched him in the mouth. he was surprised, speechless. It Shut You Up, she said, smiling.
@bakiwop
"Huckleberry Finn" to lose all instances of 'nigger' and 'injun', will keep all instances of 'whitey', 'guido', 'douchebag' & the letter 'a'
@bakiwop
Why Go To Work Today? he thought. My New Year's Resolution Was Happiness! so he stayed home, grabbed some ice cream & watched daytime tv.
@bakiwop
wikileaks breaking news: Whitehouse documents state that the last 10 years have just been a dream. #wikileaks #spoiler #dallas
Dec 2010
@bakiwop
@angelcollins1 Happy NYE to you, too, Angel. Hope you have a good time tonight!
@bakiwop
jubiliation: partying so hard on new year's, & being tagged in so many facebook pictures, that even your mom (a facebook friend) finds out.
@bakiwop
@lbaiocchi thanks :) check you out, being all social media :)
@bakiwop
he woke up on the wrong side of the bed, in a bed that wasn't his, next to a man he didn't know. Good Party Last Night, he thought, yawning.
@bakiwop
he burst into the meeting & yelled, You Can Synergize Later! If You Want To Work, Come With Me! no one followed him out of the meeting room.
@bakiwop
and the winner for the most honks, squirts & ahoogas during a TSA pat down goes to....Mr. Binky R. Klown!
@bakiwop
Clowns greatly resent Santa's popularity with children this time of year so they paint on pouty faces, spike the eggnog & sulk in basements.
@bakiwop
he cranked Huey Lewis & The News, filpped up his collar & grabbed a betamax copy of Back to the Future. he was ready, oh yes, he was ready.
@bakiwop
the nativity: http://j.mp/DXgyz featuring Gosh (God), By Golly (The Holy Spirit), Golly Gee (Jesus) & a cast of tens.
@bakiwop
So Santa, you may have won this round, my chubby friend, but there's always next year....there's always next year.mwuhahahahahahahahahahaha.
@bakiwop
i mean, really, Bill - "'knock knock' 'who's there?' 'a cigar,' 'a cigar who?,' 'it's a long flight why don't you suck my !#$%&*" really?
@bakiwop
that sleazy Bill Clinton hitting on me in the jet on the way home.
@bakiwop
but the worst of all - even with the wife, the kids, the press, the Frosty water boarding & the millions screaming for my blood?
@bakiwop
the press has dubbed me 'the Grinch', my kids won't talk to me and my wife sent me a text message saying, 'wnt dvorce - don't come home'.
@bakiwop
President Obama just finished yelling at me for half-an-hour, saying how i may have permanently damaged his chances at reelection in 2 years
@bakiwop
harassing Santa Claus is not, evidently, a very popular move with the American voters during the Christmas season.
@bakiwop
it turns out Clinton was there to negotiate my release - but it was because the current Administration was so embarrassed by my actions.
@bakiwop
Big brouhaha at the North Pole today, evidently Bill Clinton is coming for an official state visit. i hope it's to negotiate my release.
@bakiwop
@PBeyer right? leave him cookies, but lace 'em with something BAD - strychnine, rat poison, laxatives- you know, whatever you have on hand.
@bakiwop
Kringle was so upset, he got Frosty the Snowman to sit on my face while turning up the heat to 90. Water boarded with a snowman, a new low.
@bakiwop
Santa found my twitter acct (it's one of the ways he checks on people for his naughty/nice list) & saw my joke about water boarding an elf.
@bakiwop
...non-stop. it's his favorite movie. he wouldn't even let me have so much as a candy cane for fear i'd gouge my eyes and ears out. ho ho ho
@bakiwop
am weak with fear and hunger, and have never been so mentally abused. for the past 24 hours Claus has made me watch "Jingle All The Way"...
@bakiwop
although he does set me free for an hour each day so i can go online and check my email & twitter. even Santa's not a complete monster.
@bakiwop
so Santa got me to the North Pole without further incident, bound my hands & feet with garland & left me in a room surrounded with old toys.
@bakiwop
turns out PETA filed a lawsuit against the feds for cruelty to animals (evidently for trying to blow up reindeer with f-16s).
@bakiwop
Special Agent Williams texted me again, saying they got the message from the highest levels in government saying to stop rescue operations.
@bakiwop
and really, who knew 1) Santa was packing so much heat and 2) Rudolph's nose was a laser guide? joy to the world & peace on earth my ass.
@bakiwop
it was a heck of a battle, but the f-16s didn't have a prayer against Santa & his 9 magic reindeer.
@bakiwop
i peaked over the edge of the sleigh - past Santa, past Rudolph's red nose - & saw hope in the form of a dozen f-16s. i got down right quick
@bakiwop
during my abduction a couple of days ago i got a text message from Special Agent Williams reading, "jet fghtrs cming now - get down!"
@bakiwop
so here i am, shivering with cold & fear on the floor of his sleigh, wondering where he's taking me & what he'll do to me when we get there.
@bakiwop
...& with Rudolph giving Santa only the smallest of hurt glances, the sleigh accelerated into the night, leaving the mob far behind...
@bakiwop
...,"to the top of the hotel! to the top of the wall! now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"...
@bakiwop
..., "now Dasher! now Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen! On Comet! on Cupid! on Donder and Blitzen!"...
@bakiwop
...more rapid than eagles his courses they came, and he whistled and shouted and called them by name...
@bakiwop
...the people behind me were pulling and grabbing, so i took Santa's hand and just missed a stabbing...
@bakiwop
...said St. Nick, arm outstretched, with the only hope to give, "Come with me if you want to live."...
@bakiwop
...when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a really big sleigh & 9 mean ass reindeer...
@bakiwop
...the lights from the lamps of the tv news shows, gave the lustre of mid-day to the mob below...
@bakiwop
...away to the window i flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash...
@bakiwop
...when outside the window i heard such a clatter, i ran across the room to see what was the matter...
@bakiwop
...people stormed in, running & screaming up the 12 flights of stairs to my room. they kicked & clawed at my door, which exploded open...
@bakiwop
ok...ok...not sure how much time i have here...about an hour ago i looked out the window and saw Santa kick in the door to the Parmelia...
@bakiwop
I'm at Parmelia Hilton (14 Mill St, Perth). http://4sq.com/94ycwN
@bakiwop
...but i won't give that jolly maniac the satisfaction of giving in. i will not bend to the terror of this mad man we call Kringle.
@bakiwop
...& Special Agent Williams got a message through saying they were trying to rescue me but were being thwarted at every turn by Claus...
@bakiwop
...even worse, Santa's made sure i've had only Australian soap operas to occupy my time and the nearly empty mini-bar for sustenance...
@bakiwop
day 2 stuck in the hotel room. the mob outside has swelled to over 100,000 people, the night made bright with 100's of burning effigies...
@bakiwop
...i wish I cold say the same for me - i'm surrounded by 30,000 protesters, crazed elves, mad sugar plum fairies and the big man himself.
@bakiwop
...i woke up a few minutes later back in the hotel room. Special Agent Williams called & told me the team got away fine. they are safe...
@bakiwop
...as i was blacking out i saw Special Agent Williams start coming back for me before being overcome by a dozen or so sugar plum fairies...
@bakiwop
i'm back in the hotel room. alone. as my team was running to the roof i was hit by a candy cane pole by one of Santa's little helpers...
@bakiwop
crowd getting out of control - @ABCaustralia estimates crowd to be over 30,000 strong and growing. helicopter roof evacuation planned.
@bakiwop
Special Agent Williams stomped the fire out, turns out it was a flaming bag of poo. Williams is now crying softly to himself in the corner.
@bakiwop
a soft knock on our door followed by the sound of bells jingling down the hallway. Special Agent Williams is investigating...fire!
@bakiwop
chants of “San-ta!“ & “U.S. Go Home!“ - & is that Santa down there smiling up at us with a twinkle in his eye? ho, ho, ho you rat bastard.
@bakiwop
looking out the widow I see actual torches and pitchforks - torches and pitchforks! - frakkin' aussies. (@ Parmelia Hilton)
@bakiwop
got word of enormous pro-Santa rally outside our hotel at midnight. either we have a leak or Santa's behind it - such a cunning adversary!
@bakiwop
huh, toilets really do flush counterclockwise in Australia. (@ Parmelia Hilton) http://4sq.com/94ycwN
@bakiwop
long flight to the land down under. (@ Perth Airport: International Terminal) http://4sq.com/8kQK4O
@bakiwop
he says that if we let Santa dictate our actions then Santa has won. Special Agent Williams will not be cowed by Santa's reign of terror!
@bakiwop
& some good news: Special Agent Williams is sticking with the case! (@ Dong Wu Hotel) http://4sq.com/baBR23
@bakiwop
@angelcollins1 thanks, angel. i love the "not for" children's book idea.
@bakiwop
concierge says Santa had a real big thing for vegemite. not much to go on, but, Australia here we come. (@ Dong Wu Hotel)
@bakiwop
Special Agent Williams now asking for reassignment because of Santa's threat & his 5-year-old twin girls. damn you Santa, damn you to hell!
@bakiwop
just found note stating our friends & family could end up on naughty list, too, if we don't stop chasing him. Santa is one mean mother.
@bakiwop
all we found here were our names on the naughty list and an empty mini-bar. back to square one.
@bakiwop
Landed in Taipei. (@ Taoyuan Internatinal Airport) http://4sq.com/gHIS1Z
@bakiwop
@PBeyer aw shucks. i missed you, too, big guy.
@bakiwop
Brightly says Santa is going to Taipei to relax a bit before ramping up operations for the 25th. how do i say "busted fatso" in Mandarin?
@bakiwop
U.S. Federal Candy Cane & Sugar Plum Reserve took a big hit but Brightly accepted our bribe. nothing uglier than an elf jonesing for sugar.
@bakiwop
dry cleaner charging double for tapas pulpo a la gallega rush job. told 'em it was a matter of nat'l security. now they're charging triple.
@bakiwop
good news, though, we caught the elf - his name is Brightly. taking him back to HQ for questioning. never water boarded an elf before.
@bakiwop
found santa here celebrating St. Nick's Day, would've had him but an elf threw tapas at us while Kringle made his escape
@bakiwop
Heading to Santa's last known nation-wide sighting - NY Macy's Parade. (@ J. Edgar Hoover FBI Building) http://4sq.com/4CSd9u
@bakiwop
First briefing of Operation Catch Kringle going well. Over 3 dozen agents on my team. FBI coffee is great! (@ J. Edgar Hoover FBI Building)
@bakiwop
Made it to Logan in 20 mins. Special Agent Williams told pilots to put the pedal to the metal. Private charter to DC leaves now.
@bakiwop
somewhere over toledo. as i was dozing off i glanced out the window & saw santa ride by - he winked at me. cheeky, fat bastard's going down.
@bakiwop
OK, enough messing around - Santa is out there somewhere plotting his Christmas onslaught. I'm going to get some rest.
@bakiwop
Who knew that FourSquare would work at 30000 feet over South Bend, Indiana - well, it says Civic Theater, but still...30000 feet
@bakiwop
Evidently we are flying into Boston and then taking a private charter to DC - FBI has some mad travel skills. http://myloc.me/eTbes
@bakiwop
In-flght wifi works great but Special Agent Williams gave me a BlackBerry & said I cold use it on the plane - flight attendants not happy.
@bakiwop
Didn't think we'd make the flight but Special Agent Williams had them hold it. We taxied straight to the runway and took off - no lines.
@bakiwop
Booked AA Flight 1358. Rushing to gate - Special Agent Williams stiff-armed TSA at security checkpoint & I have full magnum of Cristal :)
@bakiwop
Nice! FBI set me up in the Red Carpet Club in Terminal 1. Sipping Cristal while Special Agent Williams & his posse harass TSA employees..
@bakiwop
FBI grabbed me an hour ago, currently at O'Hare Int'l to catch first flight to FBI Headquarters in DC to head up task force to find Santa!
@bakiwop
Breaking news! FBI Ten Most Wanted Fugitive - Santa Claus: http://j.mp/DXgyz (via @FBIPressOffice and http://www.fbi.gov/wanted/topten )
Feb 2010
@bakiwop
so the circus clowns & the rodeo clowns made peace, but as they left the bar they saw the childrens party clowns lurking in the shadows. fin
@bakiwop
the circus clowns hesitated - rodeo clowns were their sworn whiteface enemies & yet they were trying to help a brother out. clown quandary.
@bakiwop
the rodeo clowns leapt into action trying to distract the mechanical bull & save the fallen circus clown. rodeo clowns are brave, not smart.
@bakiwop
as the rodeo clowns raised their hankies to attack, the circus clown riding the mechanical bull fell off & landed on a squirting flower.
@bakiwop
a circus clown dropped & stepped on its whoopee cushion, breaking the spell of the mechanical bull riding circus clown for the rodeo clowns.
Jan 2010
@bakiwop
a circus clown hopped onto the bar's mechanical bull - the rodeo clowns couldn't help but watch. the circus clowns crept up behind them.
@bakiwop
while fighting, a rodeo clown deftly repainted a circus clown's happy face to a sad one making the circus clown slump on a bar stool & sulk.
@bakiwop
a circus clown sprayed a bottle of seltzer wildly, hitting friend & foe alike; a panicked circus clown is nobody's ally (save laughter's).
@bakiwop
another circus clown tried to make a balloon animal bull to scare the rodeo clowns with, but in haste, made a giraffe instead. big mistake.
@bakiwop
a rodeo clown threw the 1st punch, the fist landing squishingly on a circus clown's red nose with an AOOGA! before bouncing off harmlessly.
@bakiwop
the rodeo clowns emerged from their barrels - with their sneakers they were confident they could outmaneuver their floppy-shoed adversaries.
@bakiwop
seeing the rodeo clowns' hankies, the circus clowns dropped their kazoos & grabbed their own hankies from ears, noses & mouths. it was on.
@bakiwop
the rodeo clowns dove into barrels for cover, slowly peeking over the edges, adjusting cowboy hats & brandishing hankies for the onslaught.
@bakiwop
as the circus clowns burst through the bar's door they whistled Ennio Morricone's "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" theme on their kazoos.
@bakiwop
the circus clowns tumbled out of their miniature car & flopped, in their big-shoed way, toward the rodeo clown bar. time for a reckoning.
Dec 2009
@bakiwop
top ten things of the past decade: 10) '00, 9) '01, 8) '02, 7) '03, 6) '04, 5) '05, 4) '06, 3) '07, 2) '08 and 1) '09
@bakiwop
But Jack, I Love You, she said, crying. Of Course You Do, he replied, I'm Me! The referees gave him a 5-minute penalty for being an asshole.
Nov 2009
@bakiwop
I Love The G String, she said. Me Too, he replied. after the initial confusion she played her guitar for him as he danced around in panties.
@bakiwop
Look, she said, I Told You I Didn't Want A Relationship. But, he replied, We're Relating Right Now! No, she responded, We're Really Not.
Oct 2009
@bakiwop
he honked at the clown in the crosswalk. she honked her red nose & pulled 25 colored kerchiefs from her ear. he saluted her superiority.
@bakiwop
trainee demon bob's final test was to scare an atheist but she kept blaming the haunting on drafty windows. so it bought her double glazing.
@bakiwop
"that guy parked illegally," said the pimp to the meter maid. "look," the meter maid replied, "i don't tell you how to pimp slap your hoes."
@bakiwop
walking the streets at 3:30 in the morning, he started having second thoughts about being a clown prostitute. then he found his next trick.
@bakiwop
a brief summer rain washed off the whiteface makeup revealing his true, sad face. the kids now cried when he handed them balloon animals.
@bakiwop
she'd partied all semester & now had to cram for her clown school finals. 30 cream pies & 8 bottles of seltzer water later, she felt ready.
@bakiwop
in the bedroom she was all over him until she saw the clown shoes in the closet. she fled, screaming, her greatest childhood fear realized.
@bakiwop
"no god" trending topic started by christians: http://j.mp/1yIM1d
@bakiwop
"no god" trending topic pulled by twitter. "know god" and "know peace" trending topics left up.
@bakiwop
Lord Acton, the guy who came up with 'Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely' believed in an absolute, omnipotent god.
@bakiwop
...while at the same time hoping that the ex- vampire hunter/customer would finish him off and not, instead, make him a vampire as well...
@bakiwop
...because really, who wants to hear a vampire going around saying things like, "i gots the mad undead skillz, yo!" before being killed ...
@bakiwop
...honestly, just kill me please, ex-purveyor-of-fake-holy-water, and save me the bad gangsta-wannabe lingo...
@bakiwop
...to which the undead ex-purveyor-of-fake-holy-water vampire would respond, "what da hell is 'ingo yo? is dat da thing dat ate dat baby?"..
@bakiwop
...& then you'd be stuck explaining what 'lingo' meant to a vampire with the IQ of a jellyfish when he was just going to kill you anyway...
@bakiwop
...& by the time you were done explaining it to him you'd really want the eternal embrace of death because he was THAT annoying...
@bakiwop
...& then you'd be stuck with him for all eternity, hearing him say things like, "dag yo! playa had some mad blood up in dem veins!"...
@bakiwop
...until one day, far in the annoying future, you'd realize that you just couldn't deal with him anymore and would contemplate suicide...
@bakiwop
...but would initially despair because you were already dead - well, undead - and darned near immortal and thus pretty hard to kill, yo...
@bakiwop
...& when you thought 'yo' you would redouble your efforts toward ending it all because you'd realize you were starting to speak like him...
@bakiwop
...just as you were starting to drive the stake through your heart you'd be so pissed that he'd live while you died & then it hit you....
@bakiwop
...you could end it all for yourself by killing him because he was your maker - every vampire he made would die if you killed him...
@bakiwop
...you'd met many of the other vampires he'd made, they were just like him, saying "yo!" and "tru dat!" you'd be doing the world a favor...
@bakiwop
...so that very night, with much glee & a light heart, you staked the annoying undead ex-purveyor-of-fake-holy-water vampire in the heart...
@bakiwop
...as he turned to dust in front of you he blinked back a single blood tear and said, "bitchez!"...
@bakiwop
...which made you feel bad for a moment until, from all around the earth, you heard thousands of undead scream, "bitchez!" before dying...
@bakiwop
...then you'd wonder why you hadn't turned to dust with your maker & why you no longer craved blood or could turn into a vampire bat...
@bakiwop
...you'd wander around for a while & then watch your 1st sunrise in over 100 years. you'd realize that god was pleased with your work...
@bakiwop
...after the beautiful sunrise you'd slowly rise toward heaven and god would say to you, "mad propz on killing dat annoying vampire, yo!"...
@bakiwop
...& then perhaps after hearing his silly speech you wouldn't feel so bad about him being killed by an undead ex- vampire hunter/customer...
@bakiwop
...to which he would respond, "yo!" (because that's how he spoke) "have you seen the mad prices the priests are charging to bless da h20"...
@bakiwop
...so why, might you ask, didn't he just go legit in the vampire hunter world & sell real holy water to vampire hunters in the 1st place...
@bakiwop
...which would, you know, suck (both literally and figuratively) for him....
@bakiwop
...and then, since he sold fake holy water, he wouldn't be able to protect himself against the undead ex- vampire hunter/customer...
@bakiwop
...although the killed vampire hunter could potentially come back as an undead ex-vampire hunter and kill him for selling fake holy water...
Sep 2009
@bakiwop
...& if the vampire hunter used the fake holy water against a real vampire then they would most assuredly die & not be able to sue him ...
@bakiwop
...and everyone - the vampire hunter & the "vampire" - could go home happy without the knowledge it wasn't real holy water he'd sold them...
@bakiwop
...& if the vampire hunter used the fake holy water against a vampire they were chasing & lived then it wasn't a real vampire...
@bakiwop
he sold fake holy water for $7/bottle figuring those who used it & lived didn't really need it & those who used it & died couldn't sue him.
@bakiwop
because, you know, he was selling the holy water to vampire hunters...
@bakiwop
a light bulb blew but he couldn't change it in the dark - why was fate so cruel sometimes?
@bakiwop
the leaves starting changing & he thought, "why can't i start changing?" so he got a Porsche, hair plugs & a girlfriend half his age.
@bakiwop
he ate healthy and jogged to get in shape to impress a girl. the girl died. he stopped jogging and started eating junk food.
@bakiwop
he walked around the office in a daze all day, not coming alive until he swapped his suit & tie for whiteface, a red nose & big floppy shoes
@bakiwop
nothing like waking up to a cold beer and a hot chick, although why there's a baby chicken in my bed...doesn't matter though, it's so cute.
@bakiwop
she punched him in the face. "THAT'S why you don't leave the toilet seat down! Need another reason?" she yelled, raising her fist again.
@bakiwop
he planned to take her to a movie, dinner & dancing but then lost his job. so she took him. i was also going to take you to Cancun, he said.
@bakiwop
cooties AND girl germs - she'd told him he'd pay dearly for pulling her pigtails. the doctor had done all she could, his parents wept.
@bakiwop
he wanted to hold her hand but hesitated. it's all he could think about. finally, as the movie credits rolled he reached out toward her and
@bakiwop
@awhoopeekat i think she stood up just as he reached her hand. she hates watching credits & was upset he didn't try to hold her hand earlier
@bakiwop
have blood, guts, shit, muscle, sinew, brains, crushed bones and a dying heart in the palm of my hand. finally got that damned fruit fly.
@bakiwop
he proposed. she countered. they negotiated without consensus so called an arbiter who said, "you shall get married & be miserable. next!"
@bakiwop
"swim!" he yelled. "swim as if your life depended on it!" she stopped & said, "but it does depend on i--" before the shark caught up to her.
Jul 2009
@bakiwop
"huh," he said to himself, cutting off another piece, "i called her sweetheart for years, turns out i was right. a bit chewy though"
@bakiwop
he really didn't want to, but he hunted her down & while chopping her into pieces yelled, "stop asking me questions when cleaning my teeth!"
@bakiwop
he realized he could stop. so he did.
@bakiwop
as a clown who'd dreamed of joining the largest circus in the world, she smiled her first day on the job when she heard, "hello, senator."
@bakiwop
he danced. "10 years!" he laughed. "10 years since i lost a sock!" the patrons in the laundromat applauded & showered him with dryer sheets.
@bakiwop
he hated his job so he stopped going. he felt free but aimless so he went back to work. he discovered he'd really missed the free coffee.
@bakiwop
walking around in a fugue he couldn't recall what 'fugue' meant. was it perhaps a dreamlike state caused by too much melted cheese?
@bakiwop
bakiwop: walking for president because running is too much damned work. - #campaignSlogan
@bakiwop
she didn't know how to respond, so she didn't. couldn't. she stood there, dumbfounded, until finally she was able to utter, "no chocolate?"
@bakiwop
he was a lawyer but had dreams of being a clown - his favorite was where the jury found his client guilty so he sprayed them with seltzer.
@bakiwop
she called him two-faced. he reminded her he was a clown with, in fact, 5 distinct faces but, because of her mood, would put on a sad one.
Jun 2009
@bakiwop
she strutted down the street, trying to flaunt her self-loathing into submission with high heels, short skirts & ravenous stares from men.
@bakiwop
you're traveling to another dimension, of not only sight & sound, but of mind. that's the signpost up ahead: "please remove your shoes -TSA"
@bakiwop
he loves the sound of crying kids, it sounds like victory. which explains why he's the lowest grossing ice cream truck driver in the city.
@bakiwop
vote for bakiwop - a man with issues. #campaignSlogan
@bakiwop
she met him at the zoo for their blind date & said, "you're so cute." later when viewing the lazy stinky hippos she said, "they're so cute."
@bakiwop
she stopped taking her medication because she was lonely without the voices in her head.
@bakiwop
adjective noun verb >> adjective noun verb adverb >> adjective noun verb #haiku
@bakiwop
the interviewer asked her what kind of tree she'd be. she responded, "weeping willow, because that dumbass question makes me want to cry."
@bakiwop
he was up the creek without a paddle, but he just smiled. "take that clichés!" he said cranking his new evinrude motor. which then misfired.
@bakiwop
during her review she threw a chair at a window yelling, "i am not a personal brand!" the HR rep checked her file & smiled, "that's so you!"
@bakiwop
he felt it vile to have hit puberty at the height of hair bands. the universe agreed but was powerless against the awesomeness of aqua net.
@bakiwop
he thought it a fundamental flaw of the universe that he hit puberty at the height of the hair band craze. the universe agreed and imploded.
@bakiwop
'rectory' - an official residence for a catholic priest - is such an unfortunate combination of 'rectum' and 'victory'.
@bakiwop
she saw him at the reunion for the first time since high school. "you have a baby boy now? congrats on finally having sex once." she smiled.
@bakiwop
she told her friends he had the body of a greek statue. he smiled at this until she explained about his pasty white skin and amputated arm.
@bakiwop
he literally had a monkey on his back. ironically, to learn about addiction. "stupid corporate retreat," he mumbled as his team synergized.
@bakiwop
i get to safely mock the likes of devo & flock of seagulls. in 20 years kids from today will have to mock 50 cent & ja rule -good luck kids!
@bakiwop
she hated the 80s so she ran, she ran so far away, she just ran, she ran all night and day, she couldn't get away.
@bakiwop
smoking gun in hand he ran, tripping in his floppy shoes, landing honkingly on his big red nose, activating his jumbo seltzer squirt flower.
May 2009
@bakiwop
involuntary shudders, facial tics & caffeine shakes - waking up to another work week, she sure did feel lucky to have a job in this economy.
@bakiwop
jobless & desperate, he leapt at the ice cream truck driver gig, but after a week of that music he was, now, desperate & looking to leap.
@bakiwop
she walked in on him & her best friend. "liz," she said, "i'm so sorry. i told you he was awful in bed." liz nodded agreement. he whimpered.
@bakiwop
if god is nothing w/o faith yet god knows god exists & can't have faith in godself is god nothing to god? how much does that piss god off?
@bakiwop
TSA confiscates the clown outfit but he smiles, waiting patiently for them to find the line of colored kerchiefs during the cavity search.
@bakiwop
we interrupt your regularly scheduled broadcast for this special bulletin: clown innards (via sloche). http://is.gd/xRM4 & http://is.gd/Cawb
@bakiwop
the clowns were stuck in the tiny car, all twitches & muffled nose honks. the crowd roared laughter as the ringmaster called for the lions.
@bakiwop
she loved driving fast & hated being passed - so when the ferrari blew by her followed by 8 cop cars & a news chopper she smiled. ready.
@bakiwop
the construction workers had gone to a sexual harassment seminar the previous day & now felt bad, so today they whistled at ugly women, too.
@bakiwop
they'd told him, "dare to dream," then gotten upset when all he did was lie around and sleep all day.
@bakiwop
cherry blossoms bloom >> and a man from nantucket >> watches intently #lowku
@bakiwop
he promised to follow her anywhere - a new city, a new job, to the ends of the earth, but he'd be damned if he'd hold her purse on the way.
@bakiwop
she was petulant, had over 500,000 followers & loved "nwa" so she started her own elite twitter group: tweeters with attitude. #twa
@bakiwop
he'd tried putting on a brave face for his 1st clownoholics anonymous meeting but had run out of whiteface, so he wore size 15 shoes instead
@bakiwop
he walked up to the bar, elbowing his way past bikers & outlaws, grabbed the bartender by the throat & said, "shirley temple. straight."
@bakiwop
when asked why he became a clown, he replied, "the tiny car." he could not bring himself to admit he did it for the honking red nose. honk!
@bakiwop
he liked wearing wigs & makeup, they laughed cruelly, so he added a big red nose & sprayed them with seltzer, they laughed lovingly.
@bakiwop
she became a clown for the shoes, the big floppy colorful shoes. she could now shop for shoes for her regular life & her clown life. bliss.
@bakiwop
he knew he'd made it big when he saw his comedy show advertised (chicago theater, april 8) over the urinals by section 226 at wrigley field.
@bakiwop
she called him a clown, amusing her mean friends, but she meant it literally. her secret shame was he clowned bar mitzvahs. and he was good.
Apr 2009
@bakiwop
after failing to reach her by phone or email, he walked the streets, yelling her name, wishing it weren't Eugenia Persephone Fuckerpants.
@bakiwop
i dreamt a dream of dreaming dreams whose dreamy dreamscapes dreamily dreamt dreaminess into dreamers' dreams. i then stopped dropping acid.
@bakiwop
his father died of a stroke. sadness. at the wake he was lost until he began tweeting the memorial. he got 8 new followers & 1 spambot. joy.
@bakiwop
figuring he'd be late again, she drank her dinner, so when he showed up early with anniversary gift in hand, she threw up gratefully.
@bakiwop
she hated flying with her husband, who suffered from anterograde amnesia, because she'd have to join the mile high club over and over again.
@bakiwop
he sat down & stared into the drizzling fog from the steps of their front porch, awaiting her return, not realizing he was already all wet.
@bakiwop
things start getting mighty interesting when one's multiple personalities begin agreeing with one another...
@bakiwop
irs form 1040 line 74a: amount of line 72 to give directly to an investment bank. 74b: allow as retention bonus (checking reduces refund).
@bakiwop
ladies and gentlemen, i am an actual mind reader. for instance, just this morning i was thinking to myself, "hey, i can read my mind."
@bakiwop
are the christian politicians who want people to accept responsibility for their own actions the same who are glad jesus died for their sins
@bakiwop
jesus nailed to a cross for my sins? awkward! what kind of thank you note do i write for that? can i just text "thx?"
@bakiwop
jesus died for my sins? before i committed any? i might have turned out to be a good guy - way to have faith in me, asshole!
@bakiwop
i bet jesus found the guy who nailed him to the cross and gave him a swift kick to the groin for it.
@bakiwop
if jesus had to die for my sins, instead of impalement upon a cross, couldn't he have just died of old age?
Mar 2009
@bakiwop
"bakiwop's air guitar bazaar" 24 hour sale event. buy 1 air guitar and receive an air amp and an air wah-wah pedal absolutely free!
@bakiwop
the washington post breaks down congressional votes by astrological sign. example: stimulus vote: http://is.gd/jBuZ (watch out for virgos!)
Feb 2009
@bakiwop
#lifegoal - play "customer #3" in a major motion picture. i'm off to hollywood to realize my dream.
@bakiwop
liquor stores have become my Mecca - unemployment check cashing, wine coolers & lottery (with plenty of praying) all in one place. huzzah!
@bakiwop
FinancialStability.gov - because building a website about it is easier than actually doing it. coming soon: BipartisanForReals.gov.
@bakiwop
our captains of industry are revealed to be the Gilligans of our country, now paid trillions solely for their bumbling entertainment appeal.
@bakiwop
my fortune cookie: "your dream will come true when you least expect it" which would be right after taking advice from a stupid lying pastry.
@bakiwop
this year, federal tax instructions contain info/pics of missing kids, i think to remind their parents they no longer qualify as dependents.
@bakiwop
god, grant me the serenity to accept those who say i'll burn in hell, the courage to keep not believing in you, and the wisdom...ah...crap.
@bakiwop
letting michael phelps take a hit off your bong is like showing mike tyson your vietnam ear trophy collection. they'll both hit that. hard.
@bakiwop
meteorologists with college degrees & more tech than an Apple fanboy rely on a rodent to forecast weather...with equivalent accuracy.
@bakiwop
most homoerotically charged Super Bowl commentary, "they have to get that backfield in motion if they're gonna force it through the hole."
Jan 2009
@bakiwop
diet sunkist, like getting kissed by the sun with bad spelling & grammar. also, more health conscious and orange flavor. & less vaporize-y.
@bakiwop
went to work today wearing pearls, black pumps and a little vera wang number. i winked at my boss and said, "change you can believe in."
@bakiwop
"rectified" is an icky word. too much of a cross between "rectum" & "crucified." nobody wants that unless they're paying good money for it.
@bakiwop
it seems rather unfair that after 23 years of marriage i find out she preferred bubblicious. irreconcilable differences, your honor.
@bakiwop
nice that on their bags doritos honors young photogenic go-getters who 'do something', reminds me of what i could be if i didn't eat doritos
@bakiwop
got to page 147 of my first david sedaris book before i laughed: "The keys are then slapped and pounded." david, you cheeky dominatrix, you.
@bakiwop
got an extra nickel in change from the purchase of a mcdonald's happy meal. the counter-person winked and said, "change you can believe in."
@bakiwop
presidents begin their term with half days. it's like the kindergarten of politics: first day welcome party, learn your address, take a nap.
@bakiwop
bush gets a final, free ride home on air force one after the inauguration, just like that free bus voucher i got when i got out of prison.
@bakiwop
either the robed justices of the supreme court just entered the ceremony or harry potter's older, fatter quidditch teammates just got there.
@bakiwop
he is my best friend until the clown makeup goes on, then i hear only the tortured screams of countless scarred youth crying for vengeance.
@bakiwop
http://afa.net ::: take the homo out of homo sapiens, convert a gay today! family values family values family values family values family va
@bakiwop
dear gmail, despite your insistence, emails from a mr. peter wong regarding sucking it like a popsicle are spam, please mark as such. thanks
@bakiwop
alumni magazine question of the month: where would you be today if not for your degree? answer: debt- and cubicle-free with a will to live.
@bakiwop
3:00am is a lot like a box of crap. that's it. it's 3:00am for christ's sake. you want a good metaphor? dream one up, you sleeping asshat.
@bakiwop
10 husband points: flowers for no reason with a card that reads, "look at what beautiful things i have killed for you, darling."
@bakiwop
dead christmas trees on curbs in january are subtle reminder of the glitter with which we futilely try to veil our short lives. or something
@bakiwop
there may, indeed, be "more to life than just money," but i've experienced much of that kind of life. now i'd like the money, please.
@bakiwop
to my economist friends who say price deflation of goods & services is bad because it causes lower production & greater job loss: fuck off.
@bakiwop
new year's resolution to refrain from anything responsible or productive continuing nicely. example: this twitter post.
@bakiwop
2009 ytd charitable contributions: 1/2 bottle smirnoff to homeless guy on new years. 2009 ytd hookers and blow: $0. heaven here i come.
@bakiwop
life is like a usa network "monk" marathon, you never know which debilitating psychological disorder you're gonna get.
Dec 2008
@bakiwop
earth's rotation slowed, had to add a leap second. slacker earth. "ooo, i can't rotate as fast as i used to" "ooo, i'm too polluted" whiner.
@bakiwop
bones heal, chicks dig scars, and crying myself to sleep from pain and vicodin and booze gets me a full 8 hours of sleep.
@bakiwop
list of the best things about the end of 2008: 1) no more "best of '08" lists 2) no more "end of '08" lists 3) no more "worst of '08" lists
@bakiwop
terry bradshaw's naked buttocks! it's "failure to launch"!
@bakiwop
chubby fucker broke into the house a few nights ago, put up a bit of a fight, kept calling my wife a ho, but i put him down right good.
@bakiwop
the new, pure, virginal snow from the sky meets the old, dirty, salty snow on the street and gets a real world education while lying on top.
@bakiwop
how many things die for christmas cheer? pig (baked), tree (chopped), little asian girl (asphyxiation from dye process of Baby Gap tees). 3.
@bakiwop
each snowflake may be a uniquely beautiful construct but those inimitable crystals turn into conformist, mob mentality assholes right quick
@bakiwop
with snow falling at an ave. rate of .32"/hr over a period of 37.6 hrs with a mean temp. of 27°F my analysis is my back hurts from shoveling
@bakiwop
lead cnn story: the dead mall problem. lead horror story: the dead maul problem. zombie protest placard: more brains less bailout!
@bakiwop
my mother decided she wanted another child. i asked why. she said she wanted a girl. i said wait. the surgery hurt but i did it for you mom.
@bakiwop
shouldn't obama be naming administrative assistants instead of secretaries? "secretary" is so old school. think he'll pinch their bottoms?
@bakiwop
when the clerk asks, "can i help you?" try replying, "needing help implies weakness, you cur!" while slapping him with your dueling glove.