UNLAWFUL FLIGHT TO AVOID PROSECUTION (BY SLEIGH); BRIBERY (GOOD KIDS ONLY); TAX FRAUD (NO TAX PAID ON WORKERS/NO TAX COLLECTED ON GOODS/NEVER FILED PERSONAL TAX RETURN); BREAKING AND ENTERING; PERSONAL PROPERTY DAMAGE (SLEIGH/REINDEER RELATED); FAA FLIGHT VIOLATIONS (FAILURE TO FILE FLIGHT PLAN); RACKETEERING INFLUENCED AND CORRUPT ORGANIZATIONS (RICO); CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT EXTORTION (MUST BE ON 'GOOD' LIST TO RECEIVE PRESENT); DISTRIBUTION OF ILLEGAL NARCOTICS ( MAKES REINDEER 'FLY'); DISREGARDING CHILD LABOR LAWS (NO SUCH THING AS ELVES); CONSPIRACY TO ATTACK NATIONAL DEFENSE (FAILURE TO SUPPORT U.S. ECONOMY - MAKES OWN GOODS INSTEAD OF PURCHASING THEM); MAIL FRAUD
Santa Claus
Aliases: Kris Kringle, Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Sankt Nikolaus, Sanct Herr Nicholaas, Sinter Klaas, St. A Claus, Father Christmas
DESCRIPTION
| Date of Birth: | Unknown | Hair: | White |
| Place of Birth: | Unknown | Eyes: | Unknown |
| Height: | Average | Complexion: | Pale/Rosy Cheeks |
| Weight: | Over | Sex: | Male |
| Build: | Stocky | Nationality: | Unknown |
| Occupation: | Giver of toys/Bringer of joy and good cheer | ||
| Remarks: | Most likely to be seen around post-4th Thursday of November/December. In recent years has been seen earlier and earlier (pre-4th Thursday of November). Sometimes seen on TV in June/July selling Christmas Albums. Disappears after December 25th. | ||
| Scars and Marks: | Sometimes seen wearing eyeglasses. | ||
CAUTION
SANTA CLAUS, A FAT, JOLLY MAN OFTEN SEEN WEARING A RED SUIT AND DRIVING A SLEIGH PULLED BY EIGHT (OR SOMETIMES NINE ON PARTICULARLY SNOWY/FOGGY NIGHTS) REINDEER IS THOUGHT TO ENTER RESIDENCES THROUGH FIREPLACES (ALTHOUGH LACK OF FIREPLACE DOES NOT SEEM TO DETER SUSPECT). RUMMAGES THROUGH KITCHEN LOOKING FOR COOKIES/SWEETS AND MILK/HOT CHOCOLATE/EGG NOG AND LEAVES "GIFTS" BEHIND FOR GOOD KIDS EVERYWHERE. CAN OFTEN BE FOUND SITTING ON ORNATE DECORATIVE CHAIR IN MALLS/PARADES/PARTIES, RINGING BELLS OUTSIDE OF STORES AND ON STREET CORNERS BEGGING FOR MONEY FOR "CHARITY". SELLS CONSUMER GOODS THROUGH TV/RADIO/PRINT ADS. IS MOST OFTEN SEEN IN DECEMBER BUT IS, ANNOYINGLY, BECOMING MORE COMMON IN STORES IN NOVEMBER AND EVEN OCTOBER.CONSIDERED ARMED AND EXTREMELY DANGEROUS (HAS REINDEER AND IS NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM)
IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION CONCERNING THIS PERSON, PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT YOUR LOCAL FBI OFFICE OR THE NEAREST U.S. EMBASSY OR CONSULATE. THIS ISN'T REAL.