I am strongly in support of issues.
I promise universal healthcare coverage for every American citizen who is willing to pay for it themselves.
Education: No Child Left Behind is not enough! I introduce All Children Pushed Forward.
Jobs good. No jobs bad.
I am absolutely pro-marriage, and to uphold this wonderful union am fully prepared to legalize prostitution for those times of stress when couples aren't happy but they still need to get some.
I am positively maybe definitely possibly for legalization of gay marriage.
I support the war on drugs, not because it is doing anything to stop drug use, but because it employs hundreds of thousands of American citizens and it would suck if they lost their jobs.
I fully support the Star Wars initiative, but only the original trilogy, Episodes I and II weren't all that great.
War with Iraq is not enough. We need to ramp up our war effort with the entire world in order to save our economy. It worked in WWI and WWII so I promise, as your president, to push WWIII through congress to kick-start the economy that our Democratic and Republican presidents have ruined with devastating deficits and enormous and egregious overspending.
The Domo Aregato Mr. Roboto plan. I promise to outsource every single American job I can. In doing this I will assign every American who cannot find a job because of outsourcing a Federal Unemployed Consumer Kickback Undersignment number which will allow them to receive the comparable US wages from the company that outsourced their position. This means someone else does the work and you get the money. Period.
I strongly support the privatization of Social Security. That way, when the private company screws up Enron-style, the Federal government can swoop in on them, acquire all of their assets, and actually afford Social Security again.
I strongly support global warming. I am from the Midwest and it gets fricking cold here in the winters.
I am against crime, unless you aren't, in which case I am for crime.
I am against big government. I promise to raise taxes and spend billions of additional dollars a year expanding and improving your government to ensure a small government for all Americans.