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Thursday 2, August 2001 
Evil hosting company equals lack of updates and email. If you've sent an email in the last week, chances are I haven't received it. So, it is probably safer to send any email here for now. As I try to enlighten my hosting company, I probably won't be able to update much - frankly, I don't know how this post got through - so you may want to ignore me for a while! Friday 27, July 2001
When I was young, lying in bed, and scared because of a storm, or because of the shadows in my room, or because of the monsters under my bed I would close my eyes real tight, pull the covers up over my head (to quote an author, "covers are boogey-man kryptonite, baby"), and try to think my happy thoughts. My happy thoughts generally revolved around Mickey Mouse. Those big ears, that fun smile, those happy eyes. Usually, thinking of Mickey Mouse worked. I would go to sleep with that image in my head and I wouldn't have bad dreams. Now, of course, I know Mickey Mouse to be the corporate whore that he is. Wednesday 25, July 2001
I am *so* geeking out this week: Me: "DIE REBEL SCUM!" Her: "What?" Me: "DIE REBEL SCUM!" Her: "But I don't want to be rebel scum!" Me: "No no no. You don't understand - rebel scum is a good thing. That means you get to be Luke Skywalker or Princess Leia." Monday 23, July 2001
"Honey, can you get the remote for me?" She said as we were both lying in bed, very comfortable and in no mood to move whatsoever. The remote was at the far edge of the bed. Maybe if I just lie here she will think I'm asleep. "I know you are up, love...pleeeeaaaassseee." Okay, can't play 'possum - battle stations! "Hoooonnneeeeyyyy!" I said, going for the whine, thus indicating that I didn't feel like moving. "Pleeeaaaasssse," she said, batting her eyelashes a bit. "If you want it, why don't you get it, dear?" I said, hoping logic might win the day. "Pleeeeaaaassse," she said again - more eyelash batting. Uh oh, she isn't even bothering changing tactics - this does not bode well. "Woman, get it your damn self!" I say in my best "woman don't you mess with me I am your master voice". "Pleeeeeaaaaasssse." Again with the batting. She didn't fall for it - I never could get that caveman approach to work. "Alright! Alright!" I said extending one of my arms and making a humming noise. "What are you doing?!" She asked "Using the force." Hum ten seconds. "Honey, the force isn't working. I'll try super-samurai-ninja-kick." Super-samurai-ninja-kick manages to fling remote off the bed. "Honey, super-samurai-ninja-kick didn't work. I'll try simple levitation." Close my eyes, put my fingers to my temples, concentrate hard. "Honey, simple levitation didn't wor..." "I have the remote," she said having gotten off the bed and retrieved the remote. "I'll try not-so-simple levitation," I said grabbing the remote and flinging it across the room. "What did you do that for?!" She asked. "Not-so-simple levitation, dear. I'll try vulcan mind meld!" "I'm taking a shower." She said, getting up and leaving me alone. If your interested, the vulcan mind meld didn't work either. Friday 20, July
Each day this week I've felt that it was a Friday. Even Monday, which I usually think of as an evil and horrible joke perpetrated on (or by) humanity, I felt it was Friday. So each day this week I've been trying to talk myself out of the "Friday feeling". Now that today *is* Friday I pretty much feel validated, and a little confused. Thursday 19, July 2001
It has come to my attention - through Tara - that HR Puff 'n' Snuff was actually HR Puf'n'Stuf. Damn women always proving me wrong. How can I make a good anti-tobacco joke from puf 'n' stuf?! Wednesday 18, July 2001
I think my girlfriend and I may have a problem. You see, I was an "Electric Company", "Sesame Street", and "Mr. Rogers" kind of kid while she was a "Land of the Lost", "Electric Boogalos", and "HR Puff 'n' Snuff" kind of kid. Yeah, like puff 'n' snuff is a good message for kids - can you say "sponsored by big tobacco" boys and girls? Like I said, problems - serious compatibility issues. I think we do have a saving grace, however. We did both like "The Great Space Coaster" (come on board! it's the great space coaster, yeah, yeah, yeah!). God bless Speed Reader and Gary Gnu. There's no news like Gary Gnus! Monday 16, July 2001
I was driving with my girlfriend the other day, when I noticed someone tailgating me. I mean really riding my butt. Now I can understand why this person would want to do that - my derriere being the fine example of anatomy that it is. But I didn't like it, so I moved over when I could, to let them pass. When they *did* pass I noticed it was a family - mom, dad, five little kids in the back seats, and a dog - they were in a minivan. When they went by, the mother and two of the little kids flipped me off. I even thought I saw the baby pull the pacifier out of its mouth and throw it at the window. I glanced at their license plate, it read, "FMLY VLS". Family Values. Friday 13, July 2001
CNN Headline News usually uses the tagline, "CNN. The get to the point news network." before cutting to the commercials. And there are a *lot* of commercials. Point taken. Wednesday 11, July 2001
Tuesday night. For my Thursday night class I have just over 200 pages of book reading, just over 50 pages of research paper reading, and a 10 page paper to write. I have to really buckle down so I can get it all done in time. So I ask my girlfriend if she wants to go see a movie. Quick run to the ATM. Hop on over to the theater. Pay for tickets. "That'll be $15.50 please." "Huh?" I say trying to explain that she must have made a mistake. "$15.50." "What?" I manage, adding a confused look. "$15.50." "Uhh." I argue - and rather coherently I thought. "1...5...dot...5....0." "..." I add. "$15.50, *please*." "Here you go," says my girlfriend handing over a $20. "Come *on* honey!" She says grabbing the change while smiling at the cashier in a way that suggests I am feeble but not dangerous. "But...but...but..." I explain to my girlfriend. "Yes, dear," she says. "This is what people pay when they go to an evening movie." I manage to nod my head and close my mouth. In my defense, we usually go to matinees. Head on over to the concession stand and get a large, buttery, salty popcorn and a large box of junior mints. Oh yes, we also get *medium* sodas - have to watch our health. "Now honey," I said. "Are you *sure* you don't want to get the extra-large popcorn?" "No. I don't want any." Right Show the tickets to the ticket-taker guy. Try to figure out if he mumbled "on your left" or "on your right". Find the correct theater. Get some good seats. Previews begin. Our hands meet romantically in the popcorn box. "Hey," I say as indignantly as I can while whispering with a mouth full of popcorn, "I thought you didn't want any popcorn." "I'm just taking it from the side," she offers. "Perhaps you don't understand how this works," I say. "It doesn't matter from *where* you take the popcorn, it still leaves the box." Receive small peck on the cheek as she reaches in for another handful of popcorn. Movie begins. Tuesday 10, July 2001
Aaaaaacccchhhh! Aaaaarrrrghhhhhh! Eeeeeeeeeek! (insert surprised semi-nonsensical word here) So I just found out that my *mother* and *father* are reading my blog! I couldn't fucki...I mean...hi mom and dad! So, I am afraid I will have to take a day or two to scour my log for all the naughty bits and remove them. Until then, here are some recent logs I have discovered (or rediscovered). He's not a loony! I had hours of fun trying to discover the difference between "pissed off" and "pensive" on his "who" page (I guess I have that simple mind, simple pleasure thing going on). She's dynagirl! I''m from the Milwaukee area and it is nice to find a good blog down there. What?! Bob the Corgi?! She's actual size but she seems much bigger. Michele has a fire inside. She's a Yankees fan, but she is still very nice. Monday 09, July
It was Saturday night, around 10:30, and my girlfriend and I were driving back from a weekly outdoor car show in downtown St. Paul. I don't know much about cars, except for the fact that there is a pedal for acceleration, a wheel-thingy to turn with, and some knobs to play with the radio. Oh yeah, there is also a pedal for slowing down, but I don't use that much. So we are driving back from this car show and I hear this advertisement on the radio: "Abosulte Bail Bonds. Buy one of our t-shirts for $19.95, and the next time you get arrested while wearing one of our t-shirts you get 10% off the up-front money of your bail bond. Why are we doing this? Because Absolute Bail Bonds wants *your* patronage! Call xxx-xxxx today" Excellent. Friday 06, July 2001
I'm cool. You may not have known that. You may not have suspected that. That thought may never have entered that beautiful head of yours. But I assure you, it's true. Here's why. It was a slow day at work today. None of the big-wig boss-types were in, and most of us little-wig non-boss-types were gone - but not me. I was puttin' in my time to the man. Can you dig that? I knew ya could. So it got to be around 1:30 or so, in the post meridiem that is, and I started thinking to myself, "Hey, I'm a cool-cat who is done with his chores. Let's say I blow this pop-stand." So I puckered up and blew. Can you dig that sassy-frassy-malassy? Heck, I knew ya could. So I took the road to splitsville. I amscrayed. I ran, did not walk, to the nearest exit and departed the den of my dear employer. Two hours early. Yeah. What a fine and glorious day it was outside. Bright sun, cool breeze, and the great it's-a-friday-afternoon-i have-the-whole-weekend-ahead-of-me vibe was undulatin' to my very core! Oh yeah. So I hop in the car, open up the moon-roof, roll down the windows, and pop B.B. King Live at San Quentin into the cd player. Let the good times roll, baby. Let the good times roll. I am about to get on the highway when I see a Dairy Queen off to my right. Quick pocket-check turns up a five-spot. Ten minutes later I am on the highway, chocolate malt in hand. I got some iiiiiiiiiice cream, and you ain't gooooot none. Want some ice cream? Psych. I'm hittin' about 82 m.p.h. (in a 70 zone mind you), and I pass myself a group of about seven cars. Just ease right by 'em in the left-hand lane. I say, can you *dig* it?! Mmmmhmmmm. So I'm cruisin' right along. Not a care in the world. Cool as a cat. Cool as a cucumber. Cool as a cube of ice on a hot summer day. Cool as an antarctic night. Pick your metaphor. Mix 'n' match, if you'd like. Cool So, like I said, I'm cruisin' right along, somewhere in the low 80s, when all of a sudden I see a copper, the fuzz, the law, the man - sitting there in the left-hand break-down lane. Not cool. I check the rear-view, the nearest car is about a 1/2 mile back. No one to hide behind. I am stone-cold busted. It's the slammer for me, the lock-up, the big-house. Well, at least a hefty fine. Ya dig? So I blow by the copper, about 80 or so. Nothing. No lights. No siren. That pork-mobile is just sittin' there. Maybe that copper's a cool-cat catchin' a little cat-nap. Check the rear-view again. Nope. There's the copper, pullin' out. Sheeeeeiiiiiiit Move to the right lane. Slow down. Turn down the volume of the cd player. Check the rear-view again. Copper-lights are flashin'. Wait? What's this? That copper done gone pulled over one of those cats I passed a few miles back! Shweeeeeeeeeet. Hit the left-hand lane. Turn up B.B. Reach comfortable cruising speed. Get home safe and sound. Can you dig that? I knew you could. Thursday 05, July 2001
AAAARRRRGHHHH! I just realized I have turned into a whiny bahstahd!!! So, instead of whining about my job, I figure I will do something about it! My inspiration came from Dawn and a headline found on her site, eventual blog . The headline reads: Former lottery winner jailed for meth manufacture. What a great idea! Drugs! This guy won a million dollars and turned a 400% profit! Isn't that what capitalism is all about?! Talk about your good money management! Talk about your smart investing! Let's see those Wall Street fat-cats do better! Look at all the poor saps who invested their money and themselves in the so-called "legitimate" investment of a dot-com. Oh sure, for a few months they were driving around in SUVs and drinking double-mocha cappucinos, but where are they now? Laid-off, walking to Starbucks and buying single-mocha cappucinos. The inhumanity of it all! Arresting that poor lottery winner was horrible - just another sign of big government trying to keep the small busineesman down! All he did was invest his money in a profitable business model! So, inspired by a drug-lord millionaire, I am going to keep the dream alive! Now if I can just find some venture capital. See you all in 3 to 5. Wednesday 04, July 2001
Stttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike Threeeeeeeeeeeeee! AM: "Can you change the nav? Make it bigger. Make the text 2 points bigger. Also, If you change the logo, that would be great. Oh yeah, and the colors, change the colors." Me: "Was this site approved before you had me cut it up and make it live?" AM: "No. The client wanted their site up ASAP, so we just put up what we had at the time. We were just trying to make the client happy." Me: "And are they happy that we went and put up a site that they don't like?" AM: *noncommittal grunt* Actually, since I have to keep paying my bills, I suppose I will have to call this one a foul-tip. But...pow! bang! zoom! Tuesday 03, July 2001
BIG swing and a miss; strike two for work. You may remember that I was supposed to create a site that looked like this - only blue. That was strike one. Strike two involved the following conversation with an account manager (AM): AM: "Can't you make it bigger?" Me: "Make what bigger, exactly?" AM: "You know, the site?" Me: "What about the site design would you like me to make bigger?" AM: *noncommittal grunt* Me: "The text. You would like a larger font?" AM: *noncommittal grunt* Me: The images. You would like the images to be larger?" AM: *noncommittal grunt* Me: "The logo. You would like the logo to be more prominent?" AM: *noncommittal grunt* Me: "You don't like the fixed width. You would prefer that I make the page stretch all the way across the screen?" AM: *noncommittal grunt* Me: *finally wises up and keeps my mouth shut* AM: "It needs...something..." Me: *keeps wised up and keeps my mouth shut* AM: "You know. Something." Me: *keeps wised up and keeps my mouth shut* AM: "It needs to be bigger." Me: *keeps wised up and keeps my mouth shut* AM: "Bigger." Me: "Is this something the client wants, or something you want?" AM: "Something I want." Me: "You are the weakest link. Goodbye." Sunday 01, July 2001
entrata - just what everyone has been waiting for, a bakiwop portal! Friday, 29 June 2001 Turns out I am an untalented, unoriginal hack (which, to many of you I am sure, is no surprise!). I had an entry on the thirteenth "If at first you don't succeed, you probably shouldn't try skydiving." - turns out that SpasticReb - a really neat-o type person - had a Brain Spasm way before I knew what a Brain Spasm was. In more untalented, unoriginal hack news: After another LONG-ASS COMMUTE I have begun asking myself why city, county, and state engineers couldn't come up with a more 3-D approach to the highway system bakiwop.excess - your source for untlaneted, unoriginal hack-edness. Thursday, 28 June 2001 I have a commute. A really long commute. A really friggin' long commute. Seriously long. I HATE commuting. Given the choice between commuting, and say, being pulled apart by wild horses whilst simultaneously being dipped in a boiling vat of oil filled with piranhas - I would choose the, well, I would choose the commute - but it would be *close*. Commuting sucks. So I have this commute. During this commute, while on the highway, where the speed limit is 70mph, I am frequently passed by children with small dogs that are enjoying their summer off by laughing at stupid adults on the highway as they watch from the walkway that runs parallel to the highway. Seriously. Yesterday I saw a group of pre-teens pointing and laughing at what they called the "really big line of cars moving really slow" - then they saw me looking at them, flipped me off, and biked away while I just sat there in traffic. The little shits. All this, however, changed today. I was online and saw a review of the BMW Films site. I had heard of this site earlier, but had skipped going because I thought they'd just be 10 minute ads. They are, but they are also a *lot* of fun. The stories are about this driver who does amazing things with this BMW. He spins it, he flips it, he weaves in and out of traffic, he jumps it into the air, and he saves little boys from harm (no one's perfect!). He doesn't let anything get in his way. I was inspired. So on the way home yesterday, I drove like him. I weaved in and out of traffic. I accelerated hard. Stopped fast. I basically acted insane (but that's alright, because I Am Driver God)! I was Driver God right until the point that the state trooper pulled me over and gave me a ticket for speeding. Damn mortals. Wednesday, 27 June 2001 On Blogs of Note, fame, and weblogging. A rebuttal. Dark side to fame?! Dark side to fame?! What I wouldn't *do* to be on the receiving end of the dark side of fame! Sex? Good! Drugs? Good! One legged transvestite prostitutes? Absolute heaven! And how, my friend, you can whine about having an actual working ATM card and *two*, *TWO*, leather-clad midget biker chics from which to retrieve cash - and probably *without* ATM fees! Night Train?! What I wouldn't do for a good bottle of Night Train! It sure beats the box of Thunderbird I have been nursing for three days! Don't even get me started on the raccoons - I'm stuck with alcoholic lab rats. You may have the audacity, nay, the temerity, nay, the big, brass pair to suggest that blogger fame is a $10, half-and-half, cold-cocking whore, but at least your fame affords you the opportunity to buy the lamp with which you can see her in a decent light! I'm stuck with fumbling around with my hands in the dark - and I have absolutely no idea what that wet, slimy stuff that I just put my hand in is. And then...wait a minute...I don't even use blogger. Oops. Sorry. Tuesday, 26 June 2001 Wonderful part of a wonderful conversation with a wonderful person... GeminiMat: it sucked so many giant donkey balls bakiwop: man, i HATE giant donkey balls! I have completely forgotten that to which we were referring, but it just *sounds* so true. Sunday, 24 June 2001 Please forgive the name change. My host was having muchas problemas with the subdomain access.bakiwop.com, so rather than wait for them to work on it ($20 says they find Jimmy Hoffa first!), I decided to change up the name and the url a bit. I picked bakiwop.com/excess in a fit of 4:00am humor. Get it? Access, excess? Similar sounds, you used to get access to my life through this blog, but now it is more like excess of my life because of all the superfluous stuff I write about? Get it? Ha! Okay, I agree, 4:00am humor sucks, but that's what you and I are stuck with now. So, I hope the redirects from access.bakiwop.com work for a bit, and the new url is bakiwop.com/excess. I really should start working on that ressearch proposal. Saturday, 23 June 2001 Well, I spent a good part of the day working on the skins for this site instead of writing the first draft of my research proposal (dumb! dumb! dumb!). I think the skins are working again. If you notice a problem just drop a line to let me know!!! Friday, 22 June 2001 Our esteemed governor, Jesse Ventura, was being interviewed recently about our state's (MN) senate not being able to reach an agreement over a budget for the next fiscal year (which starts in July). The interviewer and Jesse were discussing what might happen to state-based programs in a month or so... Interviewer: "Are you afraid that..." Jesse: "I fear nothing." Interviewer: "Okay. But when the..." Jesse: "I'll tell you again...I fear nothing." He seems to be like this in many of his interviews. I keep waiting for him to look into the camera, jump out of his chair, rip off his shirt, and yell, "Ooooohhhhhh Yeeeaaaahhhhh! Snap into a Slim Jim!" Thursday, 21 June 2001 ASP And Me (A Tragedy) I thought I was cool I thought I was fly With the ASP I knew I thought I'd get by But I couldn't, you see 'Twas those damned cookies That got me down on my knees With the beg and the plead Oh Gods of ASP Why have you forsaken me All that I wanted Was a working cookie But it wasn't to be Damn me and ASP So you're stuck with this skin 'Til o'er ASP, I win Thursday, 20 June 2001 Hell is: lying awake all night, in a soft and comfortable bed, until 5:30 in the morning when the alarm goes off, all-the-while humming the theme song to I dream of Jeannie. Monday, 18 June 2001 I'm not a father, but I *am* a godfather (I'll put ya in da shement boots, capisce?!"). My goddaughter, age five, gave me a cute little card that she made herself (Everybody all together now, "Awwwwwwwwww.") and a cute little timex watch on which you can plug headphones into and listen to the radio ("Awwwwwwwwwwwwww."). Receiving this adorable, unexpected gift got me to thinking about gift-opening When I was a kid, my mother always made me open up the card first. "They took the time to write you a note, and that is more important than any gift they could give!" She would always say with one hand on her hip and the other waving her index finger at me. "But Mooooooooooo-ooooooom!" I would say as I opened the card, which I read as quickly as I could so I could get to the good stuff. Nowadays, of course, I am an adult. A mature adult. A mature, intelligent adult. An adult that can make up his own mind about politics, religion, the nature of the universe, and yes, whether or not I should open up the card or the gift first. I chose...the gift! Of course, it helped that my mom lives over 300 miles away. Friday, 15 June 2001 "Hi. My name's Matt, and I'm a website designer." [All together] "Hi Matt!" "I first started designing websites about four years ago. I was doing fine until I did my first website for a client, that's when it started going bad..." * or * Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be website designers. * or * How I got cheered up by a friend on AIM when an account manager and a client ganged up on me to create a site that looked exactly like this - only blue. bakiwop: :-) IMSpeechTherapy: whasuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup bakiwop: designing boring webistes, so i thought i would try and find some stimulating chatter! IMSpeechTherapy: hehe IMSpeechTherapy: whatchoo working on? bakiwop: lawyers websites - they all think that having a curve in the upper left hand corner is daring and a great design IMSpeechTherapy: hehehe IMSpeechTherapy: oh how i know that type of client IMSpeechTherapy: this one client i have insists on HUGE beveled buttons and text under EVERYTHING to explain it IMSpeechTherapy: not to mention garish, horrible color schemes IMSpeechTherapy: ugh bakiwop: oh yeah, gotta love bevelled buttons! ;-) IMSpeechTherapy: "I can't tell it's a link" "Well, it is underlined you know" "YEah, but put 'click here' under it so there's no question" bakiwop: :-) ha! sorry., but ha! IMSpeechTherapy: no problem IMSpeechTherapy: it's just tough for me not to laugh at them on the phone bakiwop: i hear that bakiwop: the contact for the site i am working on wants me to design a site that looks like this: http://sgwlaw.lawoffice.com/ - but blue IMSpeechTherapy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!! IMSpeechTherapy: i am blind now bakiwop: :-) no doubt IMSpeechTherapy: dad always said "son, if you masturbate, you'll go blind" and i'd say "dad, i'm over here" IMSpeechTherapy: *ahem* IMSpeechTherapy: rat-tat-tat-tat-TAH! Wednesday, 13 June 2001 More better goodness through more better bakiwop tips. If at first you don't succeed, you probably shouldn't try skydiving. Tuesday, 12 June 2001 more independent goodness Monday, 11 June 2001 Saturday night. "Thanks you for making dinner, honey. It was very good," I said. "Your welcome dear. You aren't feeling sick or anything?" Pause. "Excuse me?" "You know. Your stomach isn't upset or cramping?" "Um, no." "Oh good," she said, "I was a bit worried about those rolls - they didn't seem quite right after I made them. I wasn't sure if they were good." 20 minutes later I was in the restroom - in all kinds of pain. The guilt factor she will be experiencing over the next few days will be *extremely* high; I will make sure of it. For those of you interested, the rolls in the story were in fact the rolls referred to in Friday's post (you were dying to know, weren't you?!). Sunday, 10 June 2001 Sometimes I let the web experience become monotonous. It gets to be a daily grind, a rut, something I have to do instead of something I want to do. Sometimes I just visit my list of daily sites - type in url, click here, type in url, click here... - without really caring much one way or another. Sometimes I think it gets to be all the same, that there can be nothing new or inspiring or fun or interesting or exciting or worthwhile. And then I have a day like yesterday. Thank you Jann for being so nice and always offering to listen. Thank you Sara for the fun conversations about you and Rob and Stacy and me and ice cream and html and everything else. Thank you Six for being so honest, open, and forthcoming with your ideas. Thank you all for reminding me that while the web can be inspiring and wonderful and beautiful because of what is on it, it is more often inspiring and wonderful and beautiful because of who is on it. Tito, get me a tissue. Friday, 08 June 2001 I was sitting in my car yesterday, parked outside of a grocery store. My girlfriend had just run in to get some rolls for dinner. As I was sitting there, I noticed a car pull up next to me. The fellow got out of the car, put on those really big sunglasses that cover the entire top portion of your face, unfolded a blind-person's walking stick, and tapped his way into the store. Wednesday, 06 June 2001 "Honey," I said. "Do you realize that you will be xx years-old this year!?" Evil look ensued, but I kept going anyway. "Not only that," I said with gusto, "but when you turn xx years-old, you will be the oldest woman I have ever dated!" Our couch is surprisingly comfortable to sleep on. Monday 04 June 2001 I am taking a bunch of psychology courses this summer, and in one of them we are reviewing a study of primates' learning ability and intelligence. The study goes something like this... The primate sits in a room in which the researcher has put a small box, say the size of shoe box. The box has holes in it, so the primate can see something shiny inside - primates love shiny things. The primate begins trying to open the box, but it is not a normal box, it is a puzzle box. The primate has to slide certain doors and flip certain levers in a particular order for the box to be opened. The primate doesn't like this very much. Often times it will start chuffing, grunting, and pounding its chest. It will also try and bite the box or pound it on the floor in order to open it. Sometimes, in order to add a degree of difficulty, the scientist will shrink-wrap the puzzle box with cellophane. This really pisses the primate off. In other news, I just bought the new R.E.M. cd. I timed myself, and it took me 17 seconds longer to get it open than it took a primate named Angie to open a shrink-wrapped puzzle box. However, I did it with far less chuffing and pounding of the chest. Friday, 01 June 2001 ... err ... one How to not impress your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, or general significant other - real life studies. After the beautiful, romantic dinner in the beautiful, romantic restaurant, as you stroll around the lake hand-in-hand, as you stop and stare lovingly into their eyes, as you move forward to kiss them, do not, at the top of your lungs, shout, "Headbutts Equal Love!", and then prove it. Wednesday, 30 May 2001
four, three, two Sunday, 27 May 2001
seven, six, five Thursday, 24 May 2001
eight Wednesday, 23 May 2001
nine Tuesday, 22 May 2001
blog minus ten and counting Friday, 4 May 2001
hasta la escrita Sunday, 22 April 2001 Earth Day, 2001. Friday, 20 April 2001 Gotta love the bendy-straws! Thursday, 19 April 2001 The following commercial is not endorsed or approved by bakiwop.com. Bakiwop.com cannot be held responsible for any of the claims made in the following post. Any relation to any persons, living or dead, is completely unintentional and coincidental. Any unauthorized recording or distributing of the following commercial for personal or public use is illegal, offenders will be prosecuted ... or possibly dragged out into the street and shot. "Are you having problems getting going in the morning? That caffeine kick from coffee not doing it for you anymore? That morning jog not creating the same endorphin rush it used to? Try Super Duper Baki Adrenocorticotropin Kick, the all-natural way to get a jump start on your day!" 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"No more wanting to pull out a gun to shoot that idiot who cut you off. No more wanting to pull that moron out of his car to slap him because he ran that red light. With Super Duper Baki Adrenocorticotropin Kick, all of those road-rage feelings will be magically changed into neurologic nirvana!" "Sound too good to be true?! Of course it isn't not!" "What would *you* pay for this marvelous morning magic?! 159.95? 159.94? 159.93?" "No! for the low low price of 159.92, you can have Super Duper Baki Adrenocorticotropin Kick. Yes folks, that's right 159.92!" "So call now to receive Super Duper Baki Adrenocorticotropin Kick, the way to get the jump start on your day, today." Common side effects of Super Duper Baki Adrenocorticotropin Kick include vomiting, dizziness, general malaise, drowsiness, depression, hives, pregnancy, and blindness. Wednesday, 18 April 2001 I was outside my apartment waiting for a friend to come pick me up yesterday. It was about 9:45 in the morning, and although it was a bit chilly outside the sun was shining brightly. There was a good springtime vibe on the streets of downtown Minneapolis. As I was waiting, I noticed a man take notice of me and start walking my way. He had on fairly dirty clothes, and when he got closer, I noticed he didn't smell so great either. I figured I knew what was going to happen. "Hey there!" he said with a big smile. "Beautiful weather we're havin' today! Just Gorgeous!" I usually don't talk to people like him when I am walking downtown, they are usually asking for money, but it was such a beautiful spring day - and there was that good vibe going - that I said, "Yup, gorgeous day. Yes, sir." He looked a bit surprised that I had talked to him (or maybe that I had called him sir) and then said, "You got 73 cents, mister? I only need 73 cents to get my san'wich at the store." I usually don't do this either, but I reached in my pocket and pulled out a buck. "Thank you! Thank you very much!" he smiled again, grabbed my hand, shook it, and then gave me a big hug. "Thank you!" I watched him walk down the street and turn into a convenience store. About 5 minutes later he came back out eating a sandwich and walking my way. As he walked by me he smiled, held out his sandwich for me to inspect, and said, "Thank you! Thank you!" He continued on down the street without giving me my 27 cents in change. The bastard. Tuesday, 17 April 2001 * Last night * Girlfriend: "What day is it today? Is it Monday?" Me: Thinking a bit; since I don't have a job I don't use a watch or calendar much. "I believe so, dear." Girlfriend: "I hate Mondays. Is it going to be Monday again soon?" Me: "I'm afraid so, dear. In about a week or so." Girlfriend: "Damn," she said while heaving a big sigh. Me: "Indeed." Monday, 16 April 2001 * Please, take a moment and send some good vibes her way. * Friday, 13 April 2001 It has been a while since I've had a nightmare, but last night I had three. Each one a little scarier than the last. Nightmare Number 1: I was outside of the woods of a foreboding castle being chased by zombies on a cloudy night (of *course* it was cloudy, of *course* it was night). However, I wasn't too worried. I mean, sure, these zombies were the undead trying to eat my brain, but they weren't too smart (or fast, thank goodness zombies walk slowly!). Every time they would get close to me, I would give an awful, exaggerated head-feint to the left and then sprint right - they fell for the feint every time. The worst part of this nightmare was the smell. Undead zombies from the grave smell like, well, dead people who have been decomposing in the ground for years. Nightmare Number 2: There has been a lot of flooding in Minnesota recently and I dreamt that I had fallen into the Mississippi River and was drowning. This was an "oogie" dream - mostly because the thought of being in the Mississippi is oogie, but also because drowning is a bit oogie too. Up here in Minneapolis, the Mississippi is dirty, and murky, and smelly. The kind of dirty and murky and smelly that you expect to see dead bodies floating in - very oogie indeed. So, I was starting to drown in the Mississippi when I realized that I could swim. So I swam. Problem solved. Nightmare Number 3: This was the worst of the lot; I was a guest star on the television show V.I.P. - the detective show starring Pamela Anderson Lee. Her and her two other female partners were chasing me. Now I know since I am a normal heterosexual guy that this should have been pleasant, not scary in the least. Wrong. Have you seen how bad this show is?! I know I am unemployed right now and that money is a little tight, but I would hate to think that I would ever get so low in life that I would need to do a guest spot on this show. Really. Seriously. Have you seen their acting?! Thursday, 12 April 2001 Server SNAFU signals small sabbatical. I am sorry if you have tried coming here over the last couple of days, there have been some server issues. My hosting company now assures me that all is well. In other news... I picked my girlfriend up from work on Wednesday. I got there a little early, so I went into the building where she works to surprise her. She works in a suite of offices inside of a much larger building. As I was entering the door of her offices, I noticed a sign for a suite of offices next door. It read, "(Company Name), Division of Psychopharmacology". "Psychopharmacology?" I thought to myself. "Better mental health through better mushrooms?" Friday, 6 April 2001 My girlfriend and I went to bed early last night - I have a couple second interviews today and she has another big presentation - so we thought we would get a very good night sleep. We got into bed and snuggled a little bit. I could feel her starting to fall asleep - her breathing deepened and regulated, her heartrate slowed a bit, and her body started relaxing more and more. I was in that half awake, half asleep stage. I started dreaming a little. All of the sudden I heard this loud, awful, abrupt noise and I jumped as I struggled to wake up! My jumping pushed Stacy onto the floor where she hit the remote control, turning the television on and the volume all they way up. I jumped for the second time, away from the television, and I ended up on the floor as well. We crawled back into to bed and Stacy said, "Sorry for snoring honey," as she went back to sleep. Thursday, 5 April 2001 I watched the end of the Eco Challenge last night. In the Eco Challenge, you start with four competitors per team. Each team has to race under a single flag - so a US team has to be comprised of US citizens, a French team has to be comprised of French citizens, etc. If any one of the four team members leaves the race for whatever reason, the entire team is disqualified. Two of the teams, a US team and a UK team lost *two* team members each, but the race officials let the two teams combine to form the first international team. They called themselves U*SUK (you suck, get it? ha ha. US and UK combined, get it? heh) and went on to finish the race together in the spirit of international cooperation. Their name got me thinking of the strangest names of groups to which I have belonged. I think the winner would have to go to UBASTARDS. UBASTARDS was a cycling club of which I was the vice president. UBASTARDS stood for United Bicycling Association of Social and Traditional Actions Regarding Domestic Safari. What is the strangest group/organization/club name that you have belonged to? Wednesday, 4 April 2001 I was talking to my girlfriend the other night... Me: *Just told my girlfriend a lame joke* Girlfriend: "What?" Me: "I was trying - unsuccessfully - to be funny." Girlfriend: "What?" Me: "I was trying to be funny." Girlfriend: "Oh. Well, trying is half the battle." Me: "I thought knowing was half the battle." Girlfriend: "What?" Me: "G.I. Joe! Yo Joe!" Girlfriend: "What?!" Experts say that communication is the key to a good relationship. Tuesday, 3 April 2001 My girlfriend and I were watching Eco Challenge last night. Girlfriend: "I think it would be very interesting to participate in the Eco Challenge." She then paused and seemed to think about something for a moment. Girlfriend: "Except for paddling through an ocean, hiking for miles and miles with a pack on your back, mountain biking through mud, not sleeping for 36 to 48 hours at a time, having to walk through a jungle that has poisonous snakes, alligators, and leeches, and not showering for a couple of weeks." Me: "So what you are saying is that you would like to very much participate in the Eco Challenge by sitting on the couch and watching it?" Girlfriend: "Yes." Monday, 2 April 2001 Oops, I dropped a little iced tea on the floor. Let's see. I can put down the plate and the glass I am holding, grab a dishrag, wet it, bend over, clean the iced tea I spilt off the floor, stand up straight, rinse out the dish rag, pick up my plate and glass and be on my way... or... wipe it up with the sock on my foot. Friday, 30 March 2000 There is a new skin - it's that new crazy-cool xhtml/css/deprecated thing. Feeling a bit non-compliant? Then skin the bakiwop for a veritable cornucopia (dig that phrase, baby!) of other skins. Thanks to Rob at bluerobot.com for all the css-goodness he shares and the folks at istockphoto.com for providing *wonderful* royalty free images. Find a problem with the new skin - or any of the old skins? Speak up! Ciao! Thursday, 29 March 2001 Go here and wish him good luck. Go here and wish him good luck, too. - - - - - - - - - - Me: "I had this dream. You and I had moved and we were so poor that we had to live in a mall department store. We would sleep on the shoe-trying-on chairs and customers would walk over all of our stuff." Girlfriend: "We would have been much happier living in a book store together." Isn't she wonderful! Not, "Why were we so poor?" or "Those damn people were walking all over our stuff!", but rather happy that we were together and wishing we could live in a bookstore instead because of our love of books (and her love of double mocha cappuccinos). Wednesday, 28 March 2001 People that *I* hate, a rebuttal. Morons who are under the impression that the safety cushion that I've left between myself and the car ahead of me is actually there for them so they try to squeeze their way in without signaling first. Morons who are under the impression that they don't have to check to make sure they can enter traffic safely from a parking slot before leaving the parking slot and cutting me off. Morons who know that their exit is coming up, but think that the lane furthest from that exit is faster so they wait until the last possible second before cutting through three lanes of traffic in a manic effort to make their exit - while cutting me off. Morons who think that I don't own the road. Morons who are under the impression that just because they have flashing lights and sirens they should be able to make me move out of the fast lane so they can get to their "emergency". Morons who are under the impression that just because I have a little red sign that reads "STOP", I should. Morons who are under the impression that just because the sign shows a little guy walking means that they have the right of way. Oh yeah, and morons who are under the impression that the speed limit is anything more than a suggestion. Remember, I am Driver God! I smite all those who cut me off. No signal? Poof! You are gone in a puff of smoke! Run through a red light? Pow! I turn you into an insignificant flea! Try and force your way in front of me? Zap! I hit you with a lightning bolt! I am defender of the weak, propagator of justice, bringer of doom! Tuesday, 27 March 2001 Me: "I once took a babysitting course." Girlfriend: "What? Really? Why? When?" Me: "I think I was in seventh or eigth grade. I took the class so I could get my babysitting credentials." Girlfriend: "Credentials? For babysitting? Through who?" Me: "The American Red Cross. If I got my babysitting credentials through the American Red Cross, then I could make the big babysitting bucks." To my girlfriend's credit, she did a remarkable job of controlling her laughter. Monday, 26 March 2001 Sunday, March 25th, 8:18am: *phone rings* Telemarketer: "May I please speak with Matthew Buh...Buy...Bah...Bin...Buhcachi?" Me: "Matthew who?" Telemarketer: "Matthew Bitchoki?" Me: "Who?" Telemarketer: "Mr. Matthew Buckahki." Me: "Who?" Telemarketer: "Mr. Bintaki." Me: "Come on, you can get it right." Telemarketer: "Mr. Bakaki?" Me: "Nope." Telemarketer: "Mr. Bayoucachi?" Me: "One more try." Telemarketer: "Mr. Bakaki?" Me: "That's not it either. He's not here right now, can I take a message?" Telemarketer: "No message, but when would be a good time to reach him?" Me: "Reach who?" Telemarketer: "Mr. Backatchi?" Me: "Never." Me: *click* Friday, 23 March 2001 The search for goodness of life , baby. Yeah. Thursday, 22 March 2001 Since I work on a computer for a living, my and my girlfriend's family considers me their personal tech support guru. They couldn't be farther from the truth concerning my tech support abilities, but that's beside the point - at least with them. Anyway, my girlfriend's half-sister called up the other night (which was strange, because since we moved we accidentally-on-purpose forgot to give her our new phone number). Her tech support question? "How do I print this porn calendar? There's a new position for every day of the year." Every time you hear how computers will revolutionize the human experience, how someday soon they will be an integral part of every human beings' life, how computers are helping bring human beings into a new golden age of life experience - remember this: To print a porn calendar, choose "File" and then "Print". Wednesday, 21 March 2001 "I love you, honey!" "Really?" "Yes!" "Sucker!" Tuesday, 20 March 2001 I was watching Dante's Peak last night. About half way through the movie, the volcanologists finally figure out that the volcano is going to blow. The next morning, the mayor of the town calls a town meeting for 6:00pm that night to discuss evacuation procedures. At the town meeting, while the townspeople are discussing evacuation procedures, the volcano blows - an hour of action-packed Hollywood adventure begins. So, the volcanologists wait to tell the mayor and the townspeople about a volcano that will explode until the next morning. When the next morning arrives, the mayor doesn't call for an immediate evacuation, but rather for a town meeting to discuss how best to leave town. Then during the town meeting, the volcano erupts. Everyone in town seems surprised by this. I've got to tell ya folks, if the mayor of my city calls a town meeting to discuss evacuation procedures because a volcano is going to erupt - I am not going to sit around and wait eight hours for the town meeting. I am going to be eight hours away from the erupting volcano. Which, I suppose, goes a long way in explaining why I rarely ever have any action-packed Hollywood adventure in my life. Monday, 19 March 2001 My girlfriend and I watched Devil's Advocate with Al Pacino and Keanu Reeves over the weekend. In the movie, there is a part where Keanu and his wife and his mother (who has just recently come to visit) are going into Keanu's apartment building where they run into Al Pacino (who, by the way, is playing the part of the devil) with two models that he is taking into his loft for a good time. Keanu introduces his mother to Al and then Al asks Keanu about "doing some work" with him in his apartment (read: going upstairs with him and his supermodel friends for some comparative anatomy). At this point during the movie, I ask my girlfriend whether or not she would be upset if I left her with my mother for a few hours while I handled some work with my boss. To which she responded, "Yes, I would mind, because the devil would be tempting you with the pleasures of the flesh." "All right, honey," I said, "Assuming my boss isn't the antichrist..." Friday, 16 March I went to pick up my girlfriend from work yesterday - and on the way there, I drove through puddles. Yup, I am one of those puddle-driver-throughers. I am powerless to not drive through a puddle when I see one. And since Minneapolis is experiencing forty and fifty degree temperatures, there are lots of puddles to drive through - especially around some of the lakes in the area. Big, road-spanning puddles. Yeah. So like I said, I was on my way to pick up my girlfriend from work and driving through puddles. I was driving around one of the lakes and there were a lot of people using the path to jog, walk the dog, walk the baby, etc. - taking advantage of the warm weather. The walking path is often very near the driving path. See where I am going with this? So I am driving, looking for puddles to drive through, and I see this great, big, road-spanning, super-puddle. I accelerate a bit and enjoy the *huge* spray of water coming from both sides of my car. When I am through the puddle, I look in my rear-view mirror and see a guy soaking wet and gesturing with one of his fingers. Guess which finger he was using. In my defense, I swear I didn't see him before I drove through the puddle. I was too busy looking for puddles to drive through. Thursday, 15 March 2001 Does anyone actually buy from telemarketers when they call? What is the marketing concept behind all this? A stranger calling you at all hours of the night and day - disturbing personal time with friends and loved ones - to try and sell you double glazing for your windows or another credit card. Then, if you are interested, you are supposed to give all this personal financial information to this stranger who may or may not be who they say they are. And if you are not interested and try to politely tell them so, they just keep talking like you haven't said anything. It seems as though "ignore the customer" is their motto. Can anyone help me with this? I really would like to know how these companies think being annoying and stupid will make me want to buy their product. Wednesday, 14 March 2001 Arby's has a new commercial out stating that they now have "restaurant-style appetizers". A restaurant is advertising that after having been in business for years, they now have restaurant-style food. Tuesday, 13 March 2001 "You're so quiet. You're sure everything is all right?" She asked. "I'm not quiet - you just stopped talking, dear." Monday, 12 March 2001 I was sitting on the couch last night, reading a book, with my feet propped up on a footstool. I shifted my right leg slightly. "Ow!" I shouted. I had twisted my knee. I twisted my knee. Sitting on the couch. Reading a book. Friday, 9 March 2001 My girlfriend's response to yesterday's post was, "Well dear, you *are* getting older - you have to take better care to watch your health." To which my response was, "You're still older than I am, honey." I am very glad I still have some decent reflexes. Thursday, 8 March 2001 I used to see how many Mountain Dews I could drink in one hour. Last night I actually found myself wondering if I had drunk enough water during the day to stay well hydrated. Damn. Wednesday, 7 March 2001 I was watching a sports show last night and the commentator asked one of the players how he did it - how he dealt with the pain, the frustration, the stress, and the constant need to practice to make himself better. The player responded, "I make my opponent my bitch." This should be every web worker's credo. Don't beat yourself up over cross-browser and cross-platform issues, stop worrying about deadlines and stupid management and/or client suggestions, and don't stress about employing the latest technologies when something simpler would be better. Don't sweat the pain, frustration, and stress that working with the internet can cause - there's no need to get worried. There is always a solution. Web workers of the world unite - make the internet your bitch! Tuesday, 6 March 2001 My girlfriend has a very big presentation today, so I gave her some words of encouragement. "You are an intelligent, capable, wonderful, beautiful woman who has great taste in boyfriends." It's all true. Monday, 5 March 2001 "So what color do you want to paint the room?" I asked my girlfriend. "Burnt coral," she replied. "What color does coral resemble?" "It's kind of an opal-like color." "What color does opal resemble?" "You know what opal looks like." "No, I don't" "Yes, you do." "No, really, I don..." "Yes you do." "Oh, okay. So what does *burnt* coral look like?" I said, ducking quickly as one of her cardboard color samples flew at me. Friday, 2 March 2001 I've heard that Congress might begin looking into whether or not Bill Clinton received money that may have influenced one or more of his pardons. So Congress is going to set up a committee to look into whether or not a politician was influenced by money. A congressional committee checking to see if a *politician* was *influenced* by *money*. A politician influenced by money. I think after looking into this, Congress might want to start a committee to look into the "grass being green" and "sky being blue" issues. Thursday, 1 March 2001 The Lord God Almighty. Creator of the Heavens and Earth - of all that is seen and unseen. Omniscient. Omnipotent. But for some reason can't seem to arrange for me to get the proper six numbers in the lottery. Wednesday, 28 February 2001 I was watching television yesterday and saw the following. Two guys walk into an AA meeting. The first guy is an AA newbie - he's never been to a meeting before. The other guy is just a stranger who has brought in some "special" brownies. The stranger starts walking around the room offering people the brownies, which everyone accepts, except for the new guy - he is too nervous to eat. Everyone sits down so the meeting can begin. The new guy stands up in front of everyone and says, "Hi. I'm dave and I'm an alcoholic." Everybody stares back at him and then says, "Dave's not here, man." Tuesday, 27 February 2001 I was helping a French friend learn some web design tricks. More precisely, we were going over cross-browser issues. I would say something like, "When you are using xhtml you have to make sure there is a space between the 'br' and the '/' for Netscape 4." To which he would reply, "Merde!" I do believe that sums up cross-browser issues rather well. Monday, 26 February 2001 I had just dropped my girlfriend off at work and was returning home when I got stopped at a red light. Out of the corner of my eye I had seen these three cars waiting to turn into the opposing lane from a driveway, so I left enough room for them to go in front of me. As they passed by in front of me, I took a closer look at the cars. They were three big, black, hearses. The drivers were all wearing black suits, black hats and black gloves. And they all waved to me as they went by. It was like being waved to by death three times. It must be Monday morning. Thursday, 22 February 2001 My girlfriend and I were flipping through the channels on the television last night when we happened on Moby's Grammy performance. "Who is Moby?" My girlfriend asked. "You know Moby," I answered. "You know 'gonna rock y'all...never stop y'all...to the beat y'all...ummmmm...got a clock y'all...on the wall y'all...there's a priest y'all...been defrocked y'all'". She just looked at me. She *still* didn't know who Moby was. Can you believe it?! Wednesday, 21 February 2001 I went to a zoo yesterday. I haven't been to one in a long time, but I heard there is a very nice free one here in the heart of the Twin Cities and I went to check it out. It was pretty great. There were all kinds of wonderful animals to look at, although I am never sure how I feel about the animals being locked up like that. Anyway, while I was looking at the tigers, I heard this amazingly loud, deep, and repeating "chuffing" sound. I say chuffing because I really don't know how to describe it (except for really loud and really deep and really repeating). I guess it was probably something between a lion roar and a lion whimper (but really loud and really deep and really repeating). So I look over to where there is a male lion, two female lions and some little baby lions. The male is standing over them and making that "chuffing" sound. It looks as impressive as it sounds. The male lion is explosively pushing the air out of his lungs and scrunching up his face - makes me glad there was all of this heavy-duty glass between him and me. As I stand there watching this lion do its thing, a man (human guy) walks into my field of vision and starts shaking his head at me and pointing to the lion. "Pretty impressive," I said. "It isn't me," he replied. "Excuse me?" "It isn't me," he said again. "What isn't you?" I asked, slowly backing away from the stranger who is frightening me. "That sound. It isn't me making that sound." "You mean that deep, loud, repeating, roaring sound?" I ask him. "Yes. It isn't me." He said, getting closer to me. "I believe you?" I said hesitantly. "All right then," he replied and he walked away. All right then indeed. That'll teach me to use free, public facilities. Tuesday, 20 February 2000 My girlfriend and I were watching this tv show. In the show, the woman had to admit she was wrong about something and was having a hard time doing it. Her husband was trying to help her admit that she was wrong. It took the woman most of the epsiode, but she finally admitted she was wrong. I looked over at my girlfriend and said, "You know, you kind of have the same problem. You *hate* admitting that you are wrong." She gave me a look that I quickly backed away from and then her face suddenly softened. "Yes dear, your right," she said and then calmly turned back to the tv. You see, she had to be right. :) Monday, 19 February 2001 New skin, check it out and then let me know what you think about it . Friday, 16 February 2001 The Conservative Nature of Beer - some fascinating stuff. Go ask him about it. Thursday, 15 February 2001 I usually drive my girlfriend to to work in the morning, and pick her up in the evening. Most of the time when I am picking her up, I get there a bit early, and I park right in front so she can see that I am there. This means I park directly in front of a sign that reads, "No Parking - Deliveries Around The Back". Yup, I park directly in front of a No-Parking sign. I'm such a rebel. Breakin' the law! Breakin' the law! Wednesday, 14 February 2001 Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence. - Erich Fromm Tuesday, 13 February 2001 I saw my sister over the weekend and she wanted to show me the new tricks that she had taught her dog, Denali, a beautiful Siberian Husky. So, she grabbed the treats and was walking over to the kitchen table when she dropped them on the floor. Denali cocked his head, perked up his ears, and got this look in his eyes that said something like, "What a fortuitous event!" and then proceeded to eat as many of the treats as he could before we could pick them up. Later on, we were watching some gameshow from Israel (my sister and her husband have this amazing direct-tv-satellite-dish-type-thingy that allows a person to get a bazillion channels). The contestant was locked in a booth where money would be swirled around him - the goal was to pick up as much cash as he could within a certain amount of time. The buzzer sounded and the cash began swirling around the booth. The contestant cocked his head, perked up his ears, and got this look in his eyes that said something like, "What a fortuitous event!" and then proceeded to grab as much cash as possible. Monday, 12 February 2001 Sometimes, just sometimes mind you, a Minnesota winter makes me believe that a snowball would stand a *very* good chance in hell. Friday, 9 February 2001 So I get this call from my girlfriend yesterday morning. "I forgot to pack deodorant and tampons. Can you pack those in my suitcase before you pick me up? Sorry hon, I'm pretty busy now, I have to go. See you soon. Love you. Bye." Click. "Huh?" I say into the dead phone. I find the deodorant and pack that in the suitcase. No problem. "Okay, tampons...tampons...tampons...where would she keep her tampons?" I mumble to myself as I look through various drawers. "Hey there they are! Oh man, how many does she need?! Hmmm, let's see, we are going to be gone three days. Does that mean three tampons? Oh boy, maybe I should call her back." I call her at work. "We're sorry, Stacy is in a meeting right now, can I take a message?" I briefly think of asking the secretary how many tampons I should pack for my girlfriend, but then realize that probably wouldn't such a great idea. "Um, no thanks, I'll try back later." Click. "Hmmmm. All right, maybe tampons are like sticks of gum - one won't last all day. I'll pack six, two for each day." "But wait. Maybe she'll need extra. I'll pack three for each day. Yeah, three for each day." So, I end up packing three for each day we'll be gone. When I go to pick up my girlfriend, I tell her that I wasn't sure how many to pack. "Why didn't you just pack the entire box, dear?" she said with a little smile playing at the edge of her lips.. I didn't talk to her for the first hour of the trip. Thursday, 8 February 2001 Valentine's Day Tip #128: If you are dating more than one person and don't know which one to spend Valentine's Day with, spend it with the person with whom you are having sex. If nothing else, it will be more fun. Wednesday, 7 February 2001 I was watching television with my girlfriend last night when a commercial for diamond engagement rings came on. The jeweler advertised the 1 carat rings for $2000. My girlfriend starting shaking her head. I asked her, "Is that cheap?" She said, "I'm not sure, but it seems like an awful lot of money to me - especially for a polished rock." "Woohoo!" I thought to myself. Tuesday, 6 February 2001 Evolve, damn it! Monday, 5 February 2001 One of the great things about being an adult is being able to have two bowls of ice cream in one night. And your mom can't say anything about it. Of course, if your mom is anything like my mom, that will not stop her from *trying* to say something about it. Saturday, 3 February 2001 "Hey, ma?" "Yeah, pa?" "What's this-here newfangled contraption you got me watchin'?" "It's called a tee-vee." "Wheeee-whooooooo! Well grease me up and stick me in a 'possums butt! It's right nifty!" "C'mon pa. There's no need for language like that." "Sorry, ma." That's all right, pa." Thursday, 1 February 2001 Remember spinning? No, I'm not talking about that workout craze with the bikes and the upbeat fitness instructor. What I am talking about is being a kid and sticking your arms out and twirling around until you fall onto the grass giggling with pleasure. Yeah. A bright, shiny day. Look up at the sun. Stick you arms out. See how fast you can spin. Twirl twirl twirl. Come to think of it, we grown-ups have something that is kind of like spinning. We call it getting drunk. But there aren't too many smiles after. Wednesday, 31 January 2001 My girflriend looks at me last night and says, "Hey, I thought you did the dishes?" "I did." "There are still some in the sink." "I thought you were soaking those." "How could I be soaking those, they aren't in water?" "Well, I didn't say you were doing a *good* job of soaking them." Tuesday, 30 January 2001 I've mentioned a couple of times in class that caffeine is a web developer's friend. On Saturday, three of the students came into class, each carrying two styrofoam cups from Starbucks. I asked them what they were drinking and they said, "Double mocha cappuccinos". I've taught them well. Saturday, 27 January 2001 All right folks. I've been learning how to use cookies (or as my girlfriend puts it, "crunching cookies"). Once you pick one of the skins, I'll give you a cookie (you supply the milk!) and then you will be good to go. So if you come back, all you have to do is go to http://access.bakiwop.com (no more mucking about with the letter of the skin and the underscore if you don't want to!) and you will be automatically bounced to your favorite skin. (With all the cookies and bouncing going on around here, this sure is one fun place!) When you want to change the skin, just click on "skin the bakiwop" in the nav and pick a new skin (I'll even give you another cookie!). And don't worry, if you don't (or can't) accept cookies you can always type in the letter of your favorite skin followed by the underscore and then index.asp (example: a_index.asp) to get to your favorite skin. (Or you can just come here click on your favorite skin.) Friday, 26 January 2001 So I've been in touch with this cool guy that I used to work with. He was one of the unfortunate ones last Friday as well. In fact, just hours before we were laid-off, we had a brief conversation that went something like this: Me: "Here I am returning your chair." (I had borrowed one of the chairs in his area without asking - he wasn't there at the time, honest!) Pat: *Says something witty which I can no longer remember* Me: *Attempts to look crestfallen* Pat: "Don't cry." ME: *Begin to tear-up.* We both snicker, not knowing that mere hours from now we will both really have a reason to cry. Looking back on it now, I of course blame everything on him! Then, this morning, I get an email from Pat saying that I blatantly left him out of last Friday's entry, and now he feels guilty for being so self-centered as to look for his name in last Friday's entry. So, here you go Pat - it may not be last Friday's entry, but it *is* a Friday entry. Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat Pat . Thursday, 25 January 2001 Note to self: Do not attempt to walk through doorway before I open the door - it hurts. Further note to self: Ignore previous note if goal is to make girlfriend choke on a refreshing beverage from laughter. Tuesday, 23 January 2001 I accomplished something from yesterday's list. Actually, I accomplished quite a few things. I woke up late, read a good book, and did the laundry. But the thing I am most proud of is the cleaning! I did a major cleaning of the apartment! (no applause, please) It wasn't just any cleaning, it was one of those spring cleanings - one of those really thorough, scrub the apartment from top to bottom and put everything back in its proper place type cleanings. Unfortunately that means things are not where they usually are - which means I cannot find anything that I want to use (for instance, it took me 15 minutes to locate the stereo remote). Someday I am hoping to find the toaster. Monday, 22 January 2001 Recap of Friday morning to Sunday evening: Friday 5:29am - Enjoy dream of me flying through space without a spaceship - exploring new worlds, meeting space creatures, and spreading intergalactic peace. 5:30am - Alarm goes off. Remain as unconscious as possible while I hit the snooze button. Briefly revisit alien worlds. 6:15am - Wake up and realize a few things. 1) Managed to shut off alarm clock, not just hit the snooze button. 2) Must stop watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. 3) While I woke up late, I can still make it to work if I hurry. 6:45am - Begin walking to work and try to think up something to put in the web log. 7:00am - Get to work, type this for entry. 10:17am - Finish small xml/xsl/asp project I was working on. Remember there is a new ALA article out (actually two) and read them. 10:35am - Remember web development company I worked for that went out of business. They called me at 10:15pm on Easter Sunday to tell me not to come in the next day. Still waiting to receive 3 weeks pay they owe me. Also remember that a week and a half later I was working again. 10:37am - Think, Thank goodness that I am currently working for a good web development company that hasn't relied on venture capital or public stock options to stay in the black. They've been doing nice, controlled, slow growth and working here is just really neat-o. 10:46am - Receive company-wide email stating there is going to be a company-wide meeting at 11:15. 10:50am - Call mother to wish her a happy birthday. 10:57am - Manager comes to my cubicle and waits for me to get off phone. 10:58am - Mother asks me how work and school are going. I tell her work and school are going great but I have to get going because my manager is waiting. Happy birthday, Mom! 11:00am - Manager tells me he wants to see me in his office. He doesn't look happy. 11:00:05am - Try and think what I could have done to tick off manager. 11:00:25am - Walk into manager's office and see head HR lady sitting there waiting for us. 11:00:26am - Breathing and heart rate accelerate as I wait for them to tell me what's up. 11:00:55am - Consciously control breathing and tell myself to relax. It works - a bit. 11:01am - They begin talking. 11:03am - They finally get around to telling me that I, along with some other people, am being laid-off. 11:13am - After reassurances that it has nothing to do with job performance - I was just one of the newest guys and wasn't currently assigned to a big project - manager and HR lady give me business cards so I can use them as references. Meeting over. Decide to skip company-wide meeting. 11:15am - Call girlfriend to tell her I got laid-off. 12:15pm - Finish tying up loose ends. 12:26pm - Make sure the resume is up-to-date. 12:26pm - Try to think of web development firms that I've heard good things about so I can check if they have job openings. 12:30pm - Remember that I have heard very good things about this place and this place, it looks as though they are hiring interactive designers - woohoo! Send out resume. 12:45pm - Make sure that I have tied up all loose ends. 12:50pm - Fire-off emails to co-workers letting them know how much I enjoyed working with them and asking for some references. 12:55pm - Leave office. 1:00pm - It is a very cold, but very bright day outside. It is 1:00 in the afternoon and I am walking home from work, with my briefcase in hand, having just been laid-off from a job I liked. As I watch people walking around me I experience the sense of unreality that Nick was talking about. 1:05pm - Decide that I don't need to be anywhere in particular at the moment and enjoy a nice (if frigid) 2 hour walk around downtown Minneapolis. 3:03pm - Get home. Think how nice it was to take a long walk during the middle of the day 3:15pm - Girlfriend gets home about an hour and a half early. 3:15:10pm - Begin nice long hug. 4:30pm - Check email. Have received responses from 7 co-workers expressing their sympathy and letting me know they would be happy to be a reference for me. Man, I'm gonna miss that place. 6:00pm - Go for long walk with girlfriend. Enjoy the sights and sounds of downtown Minneapolis. 10:30pm - It has been a long day. Go to bed without watching Star Trek. Saturday 8:00am - Wake up. Look at clock. Realize it is only 8:00 in the morning. Figure I must have made a mistake and fall back asleep. 9:30am - Wake up a second time. Look at clock. Think about waking up for a bit, but then decide against it and go back to sleep. 10:00am - Finally decide to get up. 10:30am - Realize that school is very expensive and I may have to drop out for the semester. 10:45am - Talk it over with girlfriend. We end up agreeing that it would probably be best to save the money for now. 11:00am - Log into school and drop courses. Ouch, that hurt. 11:15am - Realize I should probably call my family and tell them what happened, but it was my mom's birthday yesterday - can't bring myself to do it. 1:00pm - Look for some more places to apply. 8:00pm - Go to local comedy club with girlfriend for some laughs. It works. Sunday 8:00am - Wake up. 8:15am - Go back to bed again. 10:00am - Wake up again. 10:15am - Realize I should probably call family. 10:45am - Call family. 11:30am - Finally manage to convince family that everything is all right and my girlfriend and I are doing well. 11:15am - Go to Barnes and Noble to stock up on books for the coming week. 12:30pm - Make list of things to do for coming week: Find job Clean apartment Do laundry Take lots of long walks Read lots of good books Wake up late Enjoy not having to go to work 12:45pm - Realize that not having job might not be such a bad thing! 10:00pm - Make and post this web log entry so I don't have to get up tomorrow morning to do it. 10:30pm - Fall asleep knowing that I can sleep in tomorrow. Yeah. Maybe I'll dream of flying through space without a spaceship again. Friday, 19 January 2001 I started taking some courses recently, and in them, I have to take notes - handwritten notes. Back in the day, when I was finishing up my business degree, I didn't take notes (although I do not know if this was because most teachers gave out tacky, printed PowerPoint presentations of their lectures or because I just wasn't that interested in business - probably a bit of both). Anyway, last night I had to take actual notes, with actual pen and paper. It was amazing! I had to sit down and think about the last time I actually handwrote something longer than a grocery list or a sappy, little note to my girlfriend. It's been about five years. All the "writing" I do now is typing. The short and long stories I write are done with a computer. All the code generated for this site is done, of course, on a computer. The presentations I give at work are all put together on a computer, including the notes for those presentations (unfortunately, I now occasionally give out the tacky, printed PowerPoint proposal). When I was growing up, I wrote everything by hand. I never learned to type well, and those few times when I had to turn in an assignment that was typed, I struggled mightily with the typewriter or word processor (remember those!). Actually using pen and paper. Amazing. What a novel idea. Thursday, 18 January 2001 Sorry, still trying to recover my dignity after yesterday's post. Now let's see, I know I left that dignity around here somewhere... Wednesday, 17 January 2001 When I was thirteen I had my first real kiss. It was fall and my parents had taken a very nice and pretty girl named Allison and me to this wonderful state park that bordered Lake Michigan. The leaves had changed, the air was crisp and the waves were crashing on the beach. Basically, it was romantic as heck. We walked a bit along the sand, holding hands, and then went up a path that lead into the woods. Once we were far enough away from my parents, we started kissing. After a while we stopped and looked at each other. She smiled and said, "That was very nice." I smiled back and said, "Yeah, but kissing tastes like dishwashing liquid." Dishwashing liquid! We broke up about a week later. But in my defense, the kiss had tasted like dishwashing liquid. Tuesday, 16 January 2001 I was trying to make myself an ice cream sundae last night when I discovered I couldn't get the top off the hot fudge. The hot fudge jar has one of those screw caps, and the fudge seemed to have gotten on the screws and was binding the cap to the jar. So I struggled and struggled while my girlfriend started giggling harder and harder at my obviously futile attempts. I looked over at her and with an amazingly restrained voice said, "Would you like to try it, dear?" She nodded so I gave the jar to her. She looked at it for a moment, tapped it on the bottom once, and twisted the top off. "Thank you dear," I said in my amazingly restrained voice as I started rubbing fudge all over her face. Monday, 15 January 2001 Things I learned from watching tv over the weekend:
Friday, 12 January 2001 I was walking around the apartment yesterday when my girlfriend pinched me in the butt. Yup, she goosed me. "Ouch!" I said. "That really hurt!" "Sometimes love hurts honey," was her reply (well, she gave me that little, playful grin as reply too - darn women!). "I don't know if love is supposed to hurt or not, but it sure can be a pain in the @ss!" Ba dum bum! Thursday, 11 January 2001 My girlfriend chose to pay the taxes she owed the government last year in installment payments. Her last installment was this past September. After making her final payment she received a notice from the government stating she owed another installment. She wrote them back stating she had paid them all their money. They sent another bill. She sent another letter. They sent another bill stating that if they billed her she had to pay it. She sent them a copy of the returned check and a note stating this was her final payment. They sent another bill stating that if they billed her she had to pay it. She sent them a copy of a statement they sent stating she had paid all her money. They sent another bill stating that if they billed her she had to pay it. She sent in a check for the amount they wanted. Last week, she got a check for the amount she had paid them with a letter stating she had overpaid on her account and they were refunding her money. Wednesday, 10 January 2001 I was reading a book last night while my girlfriend was "doing her toes". "Doing her toes" involves many things that I don't understand. First she scrubs them with something, then she files them with something else, then she scrubs them again, then she'll either oil the cuticles or paint the nails. What? All I do to my toes is cut the nails every two weeks or so. Anyway. When she was done she asked me if her feet looked feminine. Uh oh, I thought to myself. Let's see. She is a beautiful woman who likes to take care of the way she looks so I should probably answer "Yes, they do honey." but at the same time she is a strong, independent woman who likes to be thought of as a person, not just a woman, so maybe I should answer, "No honey, but they do look wonderful." oh man I hate questions like this why didn't she asks me if she looks pretty, I know that answer to that one, or she could have asked me if she looked fat in that shirt, i definitely know the answer to that one, oh man, she is looking at me, okay, answer her question, yes or no or yes or no or yes or no or "Yes honey, they do." She smiled. Yes! It was the right answer! "Yes honey," she said. "It was the right answer." I hate it when she reads my mind. Monday, 8 January 2001 I hate those pest control commercials (like the ones for Orkin or "Roach Motels"). They always show close-ups of cockroaches and play those horrible little cockroach sounds. I imagine that the cockroach sounds that they play are of cockroaches saying things like, "Come into this guy's apartment. Yeah! Apartment H805! There are plenty of good cockroach-things to eat in here!" So then I would have to use their services. I need to stop watching so much television. Thursday, 4 January 2001 My girlfriend and I were watching a "Cops-like" show last night. In these shows, I noticed that the officers almost always ended up pointing their guns at the suspect. I wondered, if the suspects tried to run away, would the officers be able to shoot them. "Sure they can," my girlfriend said. "But what if they don't pose a threat to the officer. They don't try and pull a weapon, they just try and run away." "That's resisting arrest. They can shoot you for that." "Even if they suspect isn't threatening the police officer?" "Sure. They shoot them and go for the good wound." "Honey, you've seen Speed too many times." Wednesday, 3 January 2001 It's a bad thing. The last two days I have woken up an hour late, but I enjoy sleep, so that's not a bad thing. I walk to work and back home everyday, but I enjoy the walk, so that's not a bad thing. While I am walking to work I see all of these giant snowbanks. I walk past mounds and mounds of snow. I love snow, and remember playing in huge snowbanks as a child. But now I have to walk passed all of these wonderfully large snowbanks so I can get to work on time, or class on time, or do one of a hundred other things on time. No more playing in the snowbanks. That's a bad thing.  Friday, 29 December Funny how the word monosyllabic isn't. Thursday, 28 December My girlfriend and I were driving to my parents house this past weekend. I said something and she made a comment that besmirched (cool word, huh?) my personality. Me: "Why do you make fun of me like that?" Girlfriend: "I don't make fun of you; I make you laugh." Me: "No, you make you laugh." Her reply to this was a mischievous grin. Women are evil. Wednesday, 27 December My parents wanted to take my girlfriend and me out to dinner over the weekend. So my dad picks up his wallet as we are walking out the door and checks it to make sure there is money in there. "Honey," he says to my mom, "Did you take any money out of my wallet?" "No. Why?" "Well, I usually have a lot more money in here. I thought I had around eighty dollars or so, but I only see three." I took a closer look at his wallet "Umm, dad? That's my wallet, and that's about as much money as I ever have in there." Tuesday, 26 December My girlfriend asked me to get a "good" bottle of wine as a present for one of our friends. "What constitutes a good bottle of wine?" I asked. "Just use your good judgment", she replied. I only know two things about wine: 1) It comes in either the red or white variety, and 2) If you drink enough you get drunk. So, I went to the liquor store, looked at the bottles of wine, and decided that a "good" bottle of wine consists of two things: 1) A cork instead of a screw top, and 2) A price tag greater than $20. Thursday, 21 December  Wednesday, 20 December I was watching television with Tim last night. Tim is a 6-year-old boy. A very loud, noisy, and annoying 6-year-old boy. I was babysitting him (I don't think his parents went out anywhere, they just needed a break). As we were watching t.v., one of those Blue Man Group commercials for the Pentium III came on. Tim stared at it wide-eyed and when it was over he asked me how he could become a Blue Man. I thought of telling him to hold his breath, but on further thought that didn't seem like such a good idea. So I told him he had to go to 8 years of college and get his Ph.D. in Chemical Engineering. "What's Kimcal Engneerin' and why'd I need it, Uncle Matt?" "You have to take Chemical Engineering so you can learn how to make yourself blue." He looked at me with complete trust in his eyes and then started watching t.v. again. Man, I love kids. Tuesday, 19 December Finally! Proof that I am intelligent! I was watching the Discovery Channel last night and there was a documentary on chimpanzees. The narrator was going on and on about how chimps were tool users and that this made them intelligent. For instance, one chimp wanted to get at some termites that were in their termite mound; she took a stick, dipped it into the termite mound and when she pulled it out there were termites on it which she began eating. A classic example of intelligent tool use. After the show I wanted some milk. I got the milk and took off the cap. The cap slipped from my fingers and went between the fridge and the cupboard. I looked at the cap; there was no way I was going to be able to reach it with my arm. So, I grabbed an umbrella and pulled the cap toward me. I got the cap, washed it off, and put it back on the milk container. A classic example of intelligent tool use! Monday, 18 December I was watching the James Bond movie Tomorrow Never Dies over the weekend. In it, there is a scene where James is fighting a goon over a newspaper printing press. James defeats the goon by flipping him over the rail and into the speeding printing press. All you see of the goon is a streak of read covering the newspapers. James' one-liner as he straightens his tie is, "They'll print anything thing these days." I was thinking more along the lines of "What's black and white and red all over?" Friday, 15 December "La dee da dee da. It's the one and only Dee Oh double Gee." "Snoop Dogg!" Snoop Doggy Dogg. Yeah. I like that. La dee da dee da. It's the one and only Em Ay double Tee. Snoop Matt! Snoop Matty Matt. Yeah. I like That. Thursday, 14 December I was in a very good mood last night. It had an almost giddy quality to it. So much so that I caught myself making "vroom vroom" noises as I accelerated from a stoplight. Vroom vroom! Wednesday, 13 December The really big debate at casa bakiwop last night. Is it neo-maxi-zoomed-dweebie or neo-max-zoomed-weenie? You decide. Tuesday, 12 December My girlfriend has this purse. It looks like a small purse, but as she was cleaning it out last night, the amount of stuff she pulled out was amazing. She was like one of those magicians who put a bag on the floor and start pulling out lamps and couches and people. By the time she was done pulling everything out of her purse, the entire floor was covered with things. Amazing things, wondrous things, things I didn't even know the name of. If she had pulled out lamps and couches and people I would have been less surprised. Monday, 11 December I have experienced no sound worse than that of an alarm clock going off on a Monday morning. Except for maybe my singing. Friday, 8 December Whenever my girlfriend drives me to work, we drive past the State and Orpheum Theaters in downtown Minneapolis. As soon as I see those blinking neon lights something comes over me. I start singing show tunes. But instead of singing the actual show tunes I make up my own lyrics. For instance, instead of: "I am the very model of a Modern Major-General. I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral." I'll sing: "I love my beautiful Bina and I think that you are neat-a, You have such pretty little feet and I think that you are sweet-a." How horrible is that?! Thursday, 7 December I was out to dinner last night when I overhead the end of a conversation at a table next to me. Her: "You are so self absorbed!" Him: "Well, yeah. It's my life." They are probably better off without each other. Wednesday, 6 December  Tuesday, 5 December Remember Hubba Bubba and Bubblicious bubble gum? I was more of a Hubba Bubba man myself, but Bubblicious would do in a pinch. The flavor would only last a few minutes and then the gum would get hard, but the sugar rush, oh man, gotta love that Hubba Bubba sugar rush, baby! Monday, 4 December It is Friday afternoon (December 1st), I get a call from my girlfriend. "You want to go see a movie at 5:00?" "Sure," I say. "Pick me up at 4:30." 4:25pm - I get a call saying she is running late and will pick me up at 4:40. 4:42pm - Get picked up by girlfriend. 4:47pm - Get stuck in traffic jam, decide to take "alternate route". 4:49pm - Alternate route turns out to be a very bad idea. 4:52pm - All traffic is trying to merge into my lane (yes, it is my lane!) because of accident. 4:53pm - Being merged upon 4:54pm - Being merged upon. 4:55pm - Being merged upon. 4:56pm - Get past the accident, traffic flowing nicely. 5:00pm - Get on off-ramp. Theater in site. 5:01pm - Sitting at stoplight. 5:03pm - Find parking space - woohoo! 5:05pm - Find ATM. Wait for lady ahead of us to get money out; she is humming Jingle Bells. 5:06pm - She is humming Amazing Grace. 5:07pm - She is humming Who Let The Dogs Out?. 5:08pm - She is humming Frosty The Snowman. 5:09pm - I wonder why they don't have ATMs for "special people". 5:10pm - She is humming Jingle Bells again. 5:11pm - She leaves - woohoo! We get money out. 5:12pm - Buy tickets. 5:13pm - Get into movie. Previews are still rolling; we made it! 6:50pm - Walk out of movie theater shaking heads, what a bad movie. Friday, 1 December Flashback to 15 years old; my father is teaching me how to drive. More specifically, he is teaching me how to back into a normal parking space (the evils of parallel parking are to come later). We are in an empty parking lot early on a Saturday morning. The sun is shining brightly, the asphalt is black, and the parking lines are yellow. I'm good to go. "Okay son, this is what you are going to do. Pick out the parking space you want and slowly turn the wheel while backing into it." I begin. "Good job son! Keep looking at the parking space. Slowly. Slowly. Keep turning the steering wheel." I end. "Perfect! You did it perfectly on your first try!" "Umm, dad? I wasn't aiming for this parking space." Thursday, 30 November 2000 I was walking to work this morning and I happened upon one of those people who talk to themselves. You know the type; they walk around talking just loud enough so you can hear them but just quiet enough so you can't quite make out what they are saying. I have always been interested in what they are saying, but I have never had the courage to go up and ask them. So I snuck up behind this one and got real close. Here is what he was mumbling. "If energy equals mass times the square of the speed of light and force equals mass times acceleration then mass equals energy over the square of the speed of light and mass equals force over acceleration so energy over the square of the speed of light equals force over acceleration so energy times acceleration over the square of the speed of light equals force so since force equals mass times acceleration and force equals energy times acceleration over the square of the speed of light then mass times acceleration equals energy times acceleration over the square of the speed of light..." That's all I heard because I had to go into my office building then. Who knew? Wednesday, 29 November 2000 My girlfriend and I were talking about which cartoons we liked as children; the Superfriends ranked high with both of us. We looked at each other, put our fists together, and said, "Wonder Twin powers activate." Me: "Form of ice cube!" Her: "Form of cup!" Me: "What? You can't be a cup. You have to be some kind of animal type thing." We put our fists together. Me: "Form of ice cube!" Her: "Form of cup!" I looked at her. "Honey, you can't be a cup!" We put our fists together. Me: "Form of ice cube!" Her: "Form of big cup!" She looked at me, "I want to be something where I can be close to you." I smiled; you just can't argue with logic like that. Tuesday, 28 November 2000 I was looking for something to eat last night and I noticed some of those buns that you can heat up sitting on the counter. I looked over at my girlfriend and said, "I think I'll warm up these buns", as I started moving my hips and making a little rubbing motion around the general area of my...err...buns. She just looked at me. Monday, 27 November 2000 I've got an f-o-r-d Ford Made out of t-i-n tin board And I'll t-a-k-e take you For an r-i-d-e ride Into the p-a-r-k park Where it is d-a-r-k dark And I'll k-i-s-s kiss you All the t-i-m-e time. Friday, 24 November 2000 I've got this problem. I don't know how bad it is. When you've had a problem for as long as I have you lose all objectivity over the control it has over your life. It started out simply enough; You know how it goes. One day you are sitting around, just a little bored. Maybe the meeting you are at is going into overtime because they can't decide if they should use the color blue. Or maybe you are sitting in traffic, there is nothing good on the radio, and you see the little old lady walking with the cane pass you again. You begin looking around for something, anything, to keep your interest; Something to take the edge off. You are desperate. Then it hits you. You know the answer to your problem! You begin doing it at work, at home, in class. The boss coming down hard on you? Do it. The client being a pain in the butt? Do it. That assignment got you down? Do it. Pretty soon, you are doing it constantly. "Just one little fix", you say. "I can stop whenever I want." But it just keeps getting worse. You don't get the same rush anymore. You begin doing it just so you can feel okay. Then one day it happens. You crash. You start looking for more product, but there is none to find. You get anxious, annoyed. You've got to get that fix! It is all rather embarrassing to admit. Like I said. I've got this problem. Whenever I see a paperclip I just have to pick it up and start bending it. Doesn't matter if it is the nice metal ones or those awful colored, plastic ones. I just pick it up and starting bending away. I am not proud. Can you help? Wednesday, 22 November 2000 Friends, as we begin this holiday season, I would like to take a moment to warn you of an evil. An evil so horrible, so horrendous, so heinous, that it affects millions of people around the world. If left unchecked, this evil will endanger families, cities, countries, and continents. It will undermine the very fabric of our existence. The evil I speak of is, of course, nuts in chocolate chip cookies and fudge. We must be ever vigilant against this diabolical tyranny. Chocolate chip cookies and fudge were not meant to have nuts! So, I implore you. During these wonderful holidays enjoy your loved ones, but remain watchful for the enemy, for it is everywhere. Tuesday, 21 November 2000 Recommended way to try and wake up in the morning when you don't really want to wake up. 1) Nudge your girlfriend while mumbling, "It's time to get up, honey." 2)Repeat until she gets up. 3)After she gets up and she starts moving about, grab a pillow. Believe me, there is a reason for this! 4)As she walks past the light switch, mumble, "Can you turn on the light, honey?" 5)Quickly put the pillow over your eyes! DO NOT HESITATE! Hesitation may cause some actual light to hit your actual eyes! THIS IS A BAD THING! 6)Go back to sleep. If you have pulled this off correctly, she has hit the light switch just as she is walking out the door of the bedroom. Remember, you have to wait until just after she has walked past the light switch! This way, she will have turned the light on and will walk out of the room thinking that you are getting up. You will notice that the above scenario uses a girlfriend; However, in a pinch, a boyfriend might do the trick. Under no circumstances try this trick on your mother; She will know what you are trying to do! Monday, 20 November 2000 Her: "I love you." Him: "I love you more." Her: "I love you most." Him: "I love you more than most." Her: "You better." Him: "I do." Everybody all together now, "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Friday, 17 November 2000 I woke up this morning and the sheets were wrapped around my head. I can't remember having enough fun in bed last night to warrant sheets being wrapped around my head. Thursday, 16 November 2000 Warning! Warning! Excessive stereotypes ahead! I repeat. Excessive stereotypes ahead! Human Male: Species: Coitus Desirus Objective: Sex Duration: 0-3 months of a relationship Offensive Assets: Barry White CD, Candlelit dinner Defensive Assets: Will not take 'no' for an answer. Battle Cry: "C'mon baby, if you loved me, you'd do it." Human Female: Species: Coldfeetus Maximus Objective: Warm feet Duration: First night of sex until end of relationship Offensive Assets: Snuggling, Whining Defensive Assets: Will not take 'no' for an answer. Battle Cry: "C'mon baby, if you loved me, you'd do it." Wednesday, 15 November 2000 Me: "I love having the remote control. The power of being able to do whatever I want with the television. Yeah, I like that." Her: Looks over at me and makes a brief noise in the back of her throat. Me: "Except for when you tell me to do something, dear." Tuesday, 14 November 2000 I am Driver God! I smite all those who cut me off. No signal? Poof! You are gone in a puff of smoke! Run through a red light? Pow! I turn you into an insignificant flea! Try and force your way in front of me? Zap! I hit you with a lightning bolt! I am defender of the weak, propagator of justice, bringer of doom! Hey, I can dream, can't I?. Monday, 13 November 2000 The cable fairy took our cable away over the weekend, and rightfully so it seems. We weren't paying for it and neither was our landlord, but I still think that little cable fairy is a bitch. When we did watch television over the weekend we would end up saying things like: "I don't like the static." "Oh yeah? Which static is that, the visual or the aural?" or: "What's the score of the game read, honey?" "We are watching a game?" Friday, 10 November 2000 I was watching television with my girlfriend yesterday afternoon when she asked what was going to be on later in the evening. I thought about it for a second or two. "We'll, it's Thursday. Whose Line is it Anyway? will be on, Friends will be on, and my groove will be on." "What's 'My Groove'," she asked, looking a bit perplexed. "You know," I said, "My groove." I began moving my hips back and forth. "What?" "My groove," I said again as I stood up and began doing what I hoped was a 'fly', 'dope', or even possibly 'rad' dance move. She still looked a bit perplexed. "You know, my groove. I am going to get my groove on." "Oh," she said. Of course I had to kill her after that. Thursday, 9 November 2000 It's the day after the day after the presidential election here in the United States and we still don't have a winner. Maybe we should keep it that way. Tuesday, 7 November 2000 *The post that had previuosly been here has been removed. For some reason the post that was here was causing a problem with my table. Of course it was the fault of the post and not the fault of the author. And if it wasn't the fault of the post then it was the fault of the browser. The author assumes no liability for the old post. Or this post for that matter.* Monday, 6 November 2000 While men may be from Mars, women are from the evil alien overlords on the planet Xenon. Friday, 3 November 2000 I was so happy that it was Friday today that I started singing the Friday Song. It goes somethig like this: It's Friday. It's Friday. It's Friday. It's Friday.You can sing those lyrics to whichever tune you want. Thursday, 2 November 2000 My umbrella is horrible. I was walking home from work yesterday when it started to rain, not deluge like the day before, just rain. Actually, just rain and thunder and lightning. I went to open my umbrella and noticed that it had a three inch long metal rod sticking out of the top of it. Now I know that the chance of lightning hitting little old six foot me is a lot less likely than it hitting one of the scores of really tall building around me, but that's not the point! Why should I have to walk around with a lightning rod in a thunderstorm? I have all of these conflicting emotions about my umbrella. *sigh* Wednesday, 1 November 2000 My umbrella is awesome. I was walking home from work yesterday when it started to deluge. I opened my umbrella and got behind the wall of a building to wait it out ("Why didn't you just walk into a building?", you might ask. To which I would answer, "Ppppffffhhhhhtttt!"). Now I was able to get very close to the building because my umbrella is broke. One of the metal "spines" that holds the umbrella cloth out is only half there. This allowed me to get flush up against the wall, maintaining full wall protection while giving me full umbrella protection as well. Oh sure, those fancy people with their fancy umbrellas are probably glad that part of their umbrella doesn't fold up in a rain storm, but they were getting wet standing next to the wall by me. Ppppffffhhhhhttttt! Tuesday, 31 October 2000
My Halloween experience: I was walking to work this morning and on the streets of downtown Minneapolis, eight people smiled at me and said "Hi". Then, as I was walking into the building where I work, two more people smiled at me and said "Hello" (I distinctly remember it as being Hello, not Hi). Finally, when I got on the elevator there were three people inside, and they all smiled at me and said "Hello" (except for an elderly gentleman in the back of the elevator wearing a suit, he said "What's up"). It doesn't get any scarier than that. Monday, 30 October 2000
When my mother was making homemade chocolate chip cookies, she used to get me to stop eating the chocolate chip cookie dough by telling me that I would get worms if I ate raw chocolate chip cookie dough. I now know that isn't true...right? Friday, 27 October 2000
I hate car washes. When I was a little kid and I would be in the car when my parents got the car washed I was scared. There was all this noise and all these flashing lights and all these big brushes and all these big squeegees and you couldn't see outside of the windows because of all the water and brushes and squeegees so you just knew there were monsters out there making all those noises and flashes of light and they were trying to get in and eat you because they were the types of monsters that ate little children and why aren't my mom and dad worried don't they love me? Excuse me, I need to find a Valium. Thursday, 26 October 2000
Note to self: Drop acid, not bombs baby! Wednesday, 25 October 2000
Note to self: Make love, not war. Tuesday, 24 October 2000
I woke up at 4 this morning and went to go turn on the news. I hit the button on the remote and nothing happened. Understand that the television is 9 years old, which makes the remote 9 years old as well; when you hit the button it doesn't always work unless you hit it just right. For about 5 minutes I stood there in front of the television, trying to hit the button just right while trying to keep my eyes open to see if the television had come on - I wasn't very successful with either attempt. I looked down at the remote and shook it a little bit, as if to say, "Come on little guy, I know it's 4 in the morning, but I want to see what the weather is going to be like today." And as I stood there at 4 in the morning talking to my little remote I realized that I was punching the number 1 button, not the power button. Man, sometimes I hate 4 in the morning. Monday, 23 October 2000
I was brushing my teeth really good. I mean really good - just like the dentist teaches you. I was reaching way in back, I mean way in back and all of the sudden I started choking. Have you ever brushed in back and started choking? I hate when that happens. Friday, 20 October 2000
There are wild fires burning in some counties to the north of Minneapolis. As I was watching coverage of this on the news, the camera panned to the left to show a bunch of people who were setting up tents at a gas station. The newscaster stated, "The people behind me have been evacuated to this gas station near where the wild fires are burning. The flames have claimed their houses and are heading this way." How good of an idea is it to set up people at a gas station when wild fires are heading in that direction? Thursday, 19 October 2000
I was walking to class yesterday evening and I noticed two men sitting on a park bench looking very comfortable and chatting to one another. When I walked home from class 4 hours later I noticed the same two men, sitting on the same park bench, looking even more comfortable, and still chatting about whatever. They looked very happy. Note to self: Take off work early, grab nearest friend, sit on park bench and chat about nothing important. Wednesday, 18 October 2000
Note to self: Butter bread after taking it out of the toaster, not before putting it in the toaster. Tuesday, 17 October 2000
My girlfriend is the most wonderful, kind, intelligent person I know. But when she holds my hand, she always presses down on that nerve between the thumb and the index finger, she says that she doesn't know she is doing it. Riiiiiiigggght. Monday, 16 October 2000
This is in honor of the Twin Cities ramp meter experiment. Friday, 13 October 2000
"You know, life is much better now that I'm born" - Alex Taylor, 5-year-old future ruler of the universe. Wednesday, 11 October 2000
Dragging your feet on a new carpet for 90 seconds at 5:30 on a beautiful Fall morning and then touching your girlfriend on the arm to wake her up is not a recommended way to maintain a healthy relationship. Tuesday, 10 October 2000
"We interrupt this regularly scheduled program. You know, the one you really like. The one you actually try to make the time to watch, and if you can't, you tape it and then actually watch it? Yeah, that one. We interrupt that program for this StormWatch-SuperDoppler-WeatherSystem Alert. It is raining, and kind of hard at that. Water is falling out of the sky and there is some thunder and lightning. In fact it is a pretty neat-o show out there. We could now return you to your regularly scheduled program, after all, that is all we have to report, but we won't. We want to show off our new SuperWeather5000PredictoMatic System, the one that has over 16 different colors for various intensities of rain. Ah, look at it, aren't the colors pretty? Now we have to recap and talk a bit more about how it is actually raining....outside with some actual thunder and lightning. Isn't lightning nifty? It is so pretty. Hey, did you know that thunder is actually angels bowling? Yeah, it's true. Alright, we have kept you from your regularly scheduled show just long enough for you to have to watch the commercials now. Yup, that's right, we can't take our sponsor time away. No siree Bob. Commercials are gooooooood. So we now return you to your regularly scheduled programming." Monday, 9 October 2000
Back in high school, I owned a pair of Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars. They were yellow. I would wear them and then roll up my pants a little at the end. I thought I was soooooooooooooooo cool. Please try and control your laughter. 21 Steps to a Better Alien Abduction
Step #1 - Go to a bar. Step #2 - Drink lots of alcohol. Make sure that while you are drunk everyone knows that you are a huge fan of the X-files and Star Trek. Step #3 - Flaunt your "Roswell Rules" t-shirt. Step #4 - Just before you leave the bar, make sure everyone knows you are going to go be abducted by aliens - but don't tell them where you are going to be abducted by aliens.. Step #5 - Read the last step again, it is kind of confusing - especially when you are drunk (see step #2). Step #6 - Go out into the middle of nowhere and strip naked. Step #7 - Put your clothes back on, what do you think, aliens have no sense of dignity? Step #8 - Move toward strange light. Step #9 - Turn off truck headlights you idiot! If you drain the battery you won't be able to drive to the nearest bar to brag about your alien abduction. Oh, and be sure that when you are moving toward strange lights they are in the sky - not on the ground. Take another drink (see rule #2). Step #10 - When aliens finally do pick you up, ask to be taken to their leader (like they have never heard that one before). Step #11 - Beg them for the deep anal probe! Step #12 - Wave to Elvis. Step #13 - Listen as they impart the wisdom of the ages to you. Step #14 - In regards to intergalactic peace, don't breathe directly on them (see rule #2). Step #15 - When they drop you off at your truck, remember to check to make sure you have your keys before they leave you there. Step #16 - Walk back to the bar because you left your keys on the alien mother ship. Step #17 - When you get to the bar, drink (see rule #2) and brag. Step #18 - Be so loud, annoying, and smelly (see rule #2 and #11) that no one will listen to you. Step #19 - Be so loud, annoying, and smelly (see rule #2 and #11) that everyone will make fun of you. Step #20 - Get so drunk that you end up mumbling the wisdom of the ages to a napkin. Listen as napkin recites Shakespeare to you. Step #21 - Wake up two days later despite the protests of all the townsfolk, discover you have forgotten the wisdom of the ages and despite many arduous attempts at communication, the napkin isn't talking to you anymore. Rosa
The year was 1995; I had this car. Rosa was a bright red, mid 80's Nissan 200sx xe with power windows, power moonroof, power mirrors, air conditioning, radio/cassette with equalizer, 5 speed manual transmission, pop up headlights, keyless entry, and that voice that would tell you when you left your lights on or your door ajar. This was, however, 1995, not the mid 80's. The power windows only worked if it was above 50 degrees (I lived in Minnesota at the time), the power mirrors only worked if I used my own power to move them, the air conditioning button did depress and light up when pushed - but no cold (or even slightly cool) air would come out of the blowers (unless of course it was winter), the radio could only catch one frequency (a golden oldies station that played music like Chubby Checker's The Twist and Jerry Lee Lewis' Great Balls of Fire), the pop up headlights would not pop down, the keyless entry was indeed keyless - the driver's side door would not lock, and the voice would only say "Yo or s ar" (translation: Your door is ajar) but it would say this often because the driver's side door was a bit off of its hinges and did not close entirely properly. The power moonroof and the manual transmission worked fine. I loved this car. Rosa was given to me by my cool cousin who was moving to Australia to begin some high-paying business-type job. He knew that I was in college and was looking for a cheap car. Rosa cost me $1 to buy and $20 to register. She was perfect for me. Over the years that I owned her, I had to make a few modifications. I had to put duct tape over the sharp, pointy, metal edges by the doors so people (including me) wouldn't keep snagging their shirts, sweaters, and coats on them. I had to use dental floss (surprisingly strong stuff!) to help hold the license plates in place. I had to hold the manual transmission firmly in first gear because of its propensity to slip out into neutral. I had to stock a goodly number of spare fuses in the glove compartment because the radio's fuse kept blowing. All of this was okay though. She was *my* car. She was fairly maintenance free (besides the occasional changing of the duct tape, dental floss, and fuse). And I only used her a couple of times a week, mostly to pick up groceries, friends, or dates. Speaking of friends and dates, they didn't like her much. They didn't like the way she looked, the way she sounded, or the way she smelled (in her declining months, there was some sort of exhaust problem) - she was pretty much an assault on the senses. The groceries didn't mind her at all. The last few months of her life she struggled. She couldn't make it up large hills. She couldn't produce any warm air for the blowers. She could no longer say "Yo or s ar". The transmission warning light was always on. The parking break stopped working (this along with her propensity to slip into neutral made parking difficult). I had to giver her up. I couldn't even get the fifty bucks that the salvage yard offers people for their cars because they had to come to my home and tow it instead of me being able to drive it out to them. Cheap bastards. --- The year is 2001; I have this car. It's a nice, shiny, new luxury car with power windows, power mirrors, air conditioning, seat warmers, cd player, etc. Everything works. It is a very nice, comfortable, safe car. But it isn't Rosa. Fall Rollerblading
Having taken off from work early to go rollerblading at Lake Calhoun (a park/lake near downtown Minneapolis), I was enjoying a nice fall day. The temp was in the mid-60's, the leaves were whispering in the breeze, and the colors - whoa baby! - the fall colors were magnificent. I got my 'blades on, popped BB King Live at San Quentin into the headset, and took off down the path. After about 5 minutes of working out the kinks in my muscles from my morning of sitting at a computer, I hit the zone. You know the zone - that place where your muscles are warmed up, you don't feel like you are exerting any effort to move. You feel like you could just keep going, and going, and going - just like that little Energizer Bunny. As I was making the wide circle around the lake I looked to my right and noticed a woman standing by the edge of the water. It looked like she was just enjoying the day, watching the sun play across the ripples in the water. I also noticed she was holding one end of a leash. I glanced to my left and noticed a dog playing in the leaves. It looked like it was just enjoying the day, rolling around on its back and getting all dirty. I also noticed it was tied to the end of a leash. I looked to the right. Yup, she had a leash in her hand. I looked to the left. Yup, the dog was tied to a leash. I looked straight ahead. Yup, there was the leash stretched across the path I was on suspended about 3 feet in the air. "Hmm," I thought to myself. "That is one long leash." Remember, I was in 'the zone'. I was feeling fine. That may explain why I was thinking, "Hey, that leash doesn't look so high from the ground. I can jump it." Temporary insanity, baby. Now, I'm a pretty good rollerblader. I don't wobble much while at rest or on the move. I can get around a corner easily enough. I can even go up and down stairs. As I have now learned, I cannot jump 3 foot high dog leashes. I got close to the leash. The lady was staring at the water - oblivious. The dog was rolling around in the leaves - oblivious. I was getting closer to the leash - oblivious. I looked further up the path and noticed that a group of people had stopped whatever it was they were doing and begun watching me - definitely not oblivious. Jump I was in the air. This wasn't so difficult. I was already over the leash, absolutely no chance of me hitting the leash with my 'blades now. No face-plant for the bakiwop. I had cleared the leash. Ladies and gentleman, we had clearage! Oblivious. Oblivious to the fact that it isn't the flying, it's the landing that hurts. Oblivious to the fact that I was not going to make it. Land My 'blades hit the ground first, my butt hit the ground second, my headset hit the ground third, my pride hit the ground last. The people who were watching me rushed over to make sure I was alright. "Nothing to see here people, keep moving along", is what I thought to myself. "Yes, thank you very much, I am fine." Is what I told them. I looked to my right. The lady was still standing there. Still staring at the water - oblivious. I looked to my left. The dog was still rolling around in the leaves - oblivious. I looked down the path, picked my butt, headset and pride off the pavement and continued on my way. Fall Rollerblading, baby. Cable Guy
I had decided to get cable. When I first moved in to my apartment I had not signed up for cable, so I was using an antenna on my television to "improve" the television reception. While the use of the antenna was indeed an "improvement" over the complete visual and aural static I received without it, I had come to realize that "improve" was one of those extremely relative terms. In this case what improvement meant was going from complete visual and aural static to complete visual and aural static with the occasional morse code beep thrown in for good measure. After a week of this and with boxes to still unpack lying all around the living room, I plugged in one of the cable cables that was left behind by the previous tenant. I figured what the heck, it might work, and even if it didn't it would stop me from looking at all of those boxes lying around. It worked! There were crystal clear pictures and sounds coming out of my little 12'' television! The Simpsons never looked so good. I was so happy, in fact, that I finished unpacking that very evening. Fast forward two months. I came home from work and flipped on the television - no cable. I'd been busted. I wasn't paying for it, my landlord wasn't pay for it, and now I was back to trying to figure out if "...---..." meant "SOS", and if so, who was in trouble and how could I help them. "Who needs cable anyway?" I thought to myself. "I have a life, right? I have friends, don't I? Why should I fork out $40 bucks a month for cable when I can go out and do tremendously wonderful and exciting things instead of sitting in front of the television, right?" After two days it was time to order cable. I looked up the cable company's phone number, picked up the phone, and dialed the number. "Welcome to Time Warner Cable, all of our operators are currently busy." That's all the voice said. No approximate waiting time. No options to reach different departments. No music. Nothing. The only reason that I didn't think I had been disconnected was because I was not getting that annoying beeping in my ear which seems to be the telephone company's way of saying, "Hey buddy, why are you just sitting with this phone on your ear when you could be out doing tremendously wonderful and exciting things with your life!" The silence went on for just over half an hour. The only sound on the phone was my breathing. Every once and a while I held my breath to check and see if it was really me breathing, and yes, it seemed to be me. There was no other sound, just dead air. Up until now I had always hated that music that companies played while they put you on hold. It all sounded like Metallica as played by the Recorder and Wind Chime Orchestra, but listening to myself breathe over the phone for half an hour had changed my mind - bring on Enter Sandman, baby! "This is Chris, how can I help you?" (Notice: The names have not been changed to protect the innocent. If you know Chris who works at Time Warner Cable, please slap him upside the head for me) "Hello, I would like to order your standard cable package, please." "You don't want any of our premium packages?" "No thanks, just the standard package?" "So you don't want HBO?" "No." "You don't want our Encore package?" "No." "You don't want Showtime?" "No, I would just like the standard package." "How about our optimum premium package?" "No, just the standard package." "How abo.." "Standard package, please." "Or our ..." "Standard package, please." A confused silence on Chris' end, then, "So you want our standard package?" "Yes." "Okay. Can I get your address?" "1150 Hennepin Avenue. Apartment H..." "What were the numbers?" "1150." "Eleven?" "One. One. Five. Zero." "Street?" "Hennepin Avenue." I also eventually managed to give Chris my apartment number, city, and zip code. "Hold please, I am having trouble pulling up your address." I was left again in silence. No music, just me and my breathing. After the first three minutes I began to worry. Is Chris okay? Did he maybe forget to breathe and pass out on his keyboard? After five minutes of holding I began to think maybe Chris called over his other "special" customer service friends. I imagined a dark room with ten or twelve faces staring over Chris' shoulder, bathed in the light coming from the monitor. Chris would ask, "Guys, where is the '1' key?" A small sigh would escape from one of his buddies, "I think it is by the 'any' key." Chris broke me out of this reverie by coming back on the line, "Can I have your credit card number?" I gave it to him. "All right," he says. "We can schedule a tech to come out in a week." "Why do I need a tech?" "So we can hook up your cable, sir." "But I have everything I need on this end, the previous tenant had cable." "One moment please." Chris left me alone again with my breathing. Five minutes later he came back, "What was your address?" Sigh. I told him. "One moment please." Another Five minutes later, "Your right, all we have to do is turn it back on from here. It should take about five minutes and then you should be all hooked up." "Thank you." I waited five minutes, unplugged the antenna and plugged in the cable. I had cable again! Thank you Chris. |
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